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 xsapphirex_uk
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 326
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Fear of dating single mothersPage 14 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
well im a single mum of 2. if you really have a problem with it then dont, but the way i look at dating im looking for someone for me not a replacement dad for kids. single mums are just as much fun we just dont have as much time as others
 SIR_REAPER
Joined: 12/1/2006
Msg: 327
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/13/2009 7:21:40 PM

I'm a single mother. I chose to be. I left my daughters father because his behavior was out of control. If I had known that he was the way he is/was, I never would've been with him. Now I'm finding it really hard to actually meet a really nice guy who doesn't mind that I have a baby. Right away the turn and run.

You shouldn't have a fear of dating someone who has a child. There's nothing wrong with it.

I've seen a lot of the posts state a lot of different issues and I agree with some and disagree with some.

When dating a single parent and that parent is raising the child all by themselves, you should see that they are independent and responsible. Don't look at the fact that they are a single parent and either didn't use protection or something else mean that they are NOT responsible.

Who knows, maybe that child could change YOUR life for the better. Maybe you'll end up loving that child as your own and help raise him/her. Not all single parents are looking for a mommy/daddy for their child. I mean, if they've been doing fine by themselves for as long as they have why would they need someone else to help them?

I guess that's all I really have. I just wish that guys would look past the fact that I'm a single mom and give me a chance.


So what your saying is that we should give you a chance right....kind of like the first line of your profile?


I AM ONLY INTERESTED IN TALKING WITH WHITE MALES (i am not racist)


LOL...you may not be "Racist" but you certainly are a hypocrite.....
 The rock man
Joined: 4/13/2008
Msg: 328
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/13/2009 7:40:11 PM

LOL...you may not be "Racist" but you certainly are a hypocrite.....

So dating preferences (dating only white's)and life situations (single parent) are the same how?

They would need to be, in order for her to be a hypocrite.
The comment about who she is willing to date is nothing more then her being honest about what she's looking for.

You can make what ever "I had a dream" arguments you would like about it, but it is what it is.

I voted for Obama yet only date caucasians. Does that make me one too?
I'm simply not attracted to color.

There is someone for everyone out there. Stop searching and stand still for a few. Give the person searching for you a chance to find you!
 SIR_REAPER
Joined: 12/1/2006
Msg: 329
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/13/2009 8:11:24 PM
Hypocrite : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

She wants to be given a chance, even though she is a single mom. The point is that people have preferences, and it is as the above definition explains a contradiction when she says she prefers contact with "white males only" (as is her preference) yet cant fathom why people would have a preference to not date her...may be a strong word but it is "..in contradiction to her stated beliefs or feelings"

Preference does not define hypocrisy, but the above situation uniquely does. I just kept thinking in her post replace the word "child" with "person of colour"

here;


Who knows, maybe that child could change YOUR life for the better.


and here;


You shouldn't have a fear of dating someone who has a child.


also uniquely here;


I just wish that guys (you) would look past the fact that I'm a single mom (person of colour) and give me a chance.


Guess i am spoiled living in the most multi cultural city in Canada....

JC
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 330
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/13/2009 8:29:42 PM

Preference (also called "taste" or "penchant") is a concept, used in the social sciences, particularly economics. It assumes a real or imagined "choice" between alternatives and the possibility of rank ordering of these alternatives, based on happiness, satisfaction, gratification, enjoyment, utility they provide. More generally, it can be seen as a source of motivation. In cognitive sciences, individual preferences enable choice of objectives/goals.



The word prejudice refers to prejudgment: making a decision about before becoming aware of the relevant facts of a case or event. The word has commonly been used in certain restricted contexts, in the expression 'racial prejudice'. Initially this is referred to making a judgment about a person based on their race, religion, class, etc., before receiving information relevant to the particular issue on which a judgment was being made; it came, however, to be widely used to refer to any hostile attitude towards people based on their race or even by just judging someone without even knowing them. Subsequently the word has come to be widely so interpreted in this way in contexts other than those relating to race. The meaning now is frequently "any unreasonable attitude that is unusually resistant to rational influence."[1] Race, sex, ethnicity, sexual orientation, age, and religion have a history of inciting prejudicial behaviour.


I have no issue with people's preferences but I do take issue with prejudice. I think Wikipedia needs to add into the definition of prejudice the "judgements" made upon single moms....lol.

If someone says they prefer not to date single moms...fine.
If the person then says the reason they won't date single moms is because of *insert stereotype here* that crosses the line from preference to prejudice.
I still can accept that they won't date a single mom but I will call them out on their prejudice against single moms.
 SIR_REAPER
Joined: 12/1/2006
Msg: 331
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/13/2009 8:46:21 PM

I have no issue with people's preferences but I do take issue with prejudice. I think Wikipedia needs to add into the definition of prejudice the "judgements" made upon single moms....lol.

If someone says they prefer not to date single moms...fine.
If the person then says the reason they won't date single moms is because of *insert stereotype here* that crosses the line from preference to prejudice.
I still can accept that they won't date a single mom but I will call them out on their prejudice against single moms.


Wow...just wow. I never thought about it that way, i mean you kind of have me gaga here in a sense. I mean i know some are going to argue that you cant change the skin you were born with and that you are you regardless of the outside, and that single moms had a "choice" in who to choose to have kids with etc, at the same time a widow does not "choose" for her husband to die, and a woman does not "choose" to be beat on 20 years down the road because her hubby got laid off and is now a drunk and is a shell of the man he once was..

This point i have to admit really kind of opened my eyes.

A heartfelt thank you....i would say more but i have to get ready to see "The Watchmen" on an IMAX screen lol.

JC
 gjd616
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 332
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/13/2009 9:10:40 PM
The thing is, the single mother is still just a woman. If she is everything that you are looking for in a woman, great!
If she has one child or a couple then you need to see how well you all go together. Remember, you are still only seeing the woman. I wouldn't totally discard someone because they have a kid. Sometimes, if things are really working well between you two, provided you've spent time with the child, you could get a free glimpse of what life could be. If you actually meet somebody that you love, then being with them is most important. If having that child around is too much for you, then you need to end it.
 LonestarStar
Joined: 12/14/2008
Msg: 333
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/14/2009 12:02:40 PM

have no issue with people's preferences but I do take issue with prejudice. I think Wikipedia needs to add into the definition of prejudice the "judgements" made upon single moms....lol.

If someone says they prefer not to date single moms...fine.
If the person then says the reason they won't date single moms is because of *insert stereotype here* that crosses the line from preference to prejudice.
I still can accept that they won't date a single mom but I will call them out on their prejudice against single moms.



I agree. I feel the same way about prejudices towards any group of people. Do what you want, I don't care, but EVERYONE should be aware of why the do the things they do. If you're going to hold a belief because of a generalization and you're OK with it, then fine. But claim it. Don't claim absolute fact.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 334
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Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/14/2009 12:49:11 PM

She wants to be given a chance, even though she is a single mom.

The point being missed is that simply doing that... (giving her a chance) is in itself a risky proposition....

First, getting involved for a while with a single mom can leave the guy on the hook for child support for her kids even if they are not his kids...
Then, also, how will getting involved with her affect her kid(s)? Will they get emotionally involved with the guy and vice versa....?
There are just so many dynamics involved when dating a single mother.... it's a big decision and involves a lot more than taking a 'chance' on her.... it affects more than just the guy and the girl....it can and often does affect their futures even if they don't stay together...
Some people would prefer to just not take that chance....
I don't need to get hit by a car to know that it might hurt....
 LonestarStar
Joined: 12/14/2008
Msg: 335
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/14/2009 1:08:37 PM

The point being missed is that simply doing that... (giving her a chance) is in itself a risky proposition....


I think a truly open-minded person would analyze the situation to see how risky it really is (if he's truly interested in her as a person, of course.). You're only at risk if the situation warrants the risk. In Texas, you have to adopt the child to be responsible for child support, so by dating a single mother here, you're not risking that in any way. If you're dating a mother who also doesn't want their children to become emotionally involved with the men she dates and takes measures to prevent that, then your risk is slim to none unless the game changes. A woman's ex may have been out of the picture for years.

There's always risk when dating ANYONE. Whether you admit it or not, there's a list of reasons why people shouldn't date you, as well as everyone else on this planet.
 trleon
Joined: 2/21/2009
Msg: 336
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Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/14/2009 2:29:29 PM
I think you really hit the nail on the head (lonestarstar). Single parents need to be conscientious of their children. They don't need to be introduced to your dates. I think you also have to be realistic and realize that most guys are scared of being financially responsible which is normal, same as most women don't want to become emotionally involved with someone else's kids. I try not to date men without children, because I know personally I don't want more and don't want to close that off for someone. I think if two people have an attraction they should see what happens (whether is be children, skin color, education level, finances etc) We all know the dating signs that equal run away now (clingers, possessive, pyscho, plans wedding on first date). They're the same no matter whether you're dating a single parent or not.
 VanieCalde
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 337
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/15/2009 4:17:44 AM
As a single mom ive dated great guys with no children and although they didnt mind my having a child i felt like i was gonna make them feel like an instant parent. Thats not easy to adjust to and if someones not ready for that its just heart ache for the kid(s) and them when things dont work. personally ive ran from great guys and prefer to date men wth children. i just feel i can relate to them more.
 Disneylover27
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 338
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/15/2009 6:50:57 AM
Wow hateful much? So, I am taking it that the sun shines on you 24/7 and you have never made a mistake? I can't speak for other women, but I can speak for myself. In my case I made a bad decision when I was 17. I married someone who promised me the moon. Stupid? Yes. Naive? Yes. However, I started a family with the intention of always being a family.

You ask didn't we know something was happening? Well, the truth is no. Some men lie and put on fronts. In my case, my ex husband went two years without a problem, and then one day he changed into a totally different person. Started doing drugs, sold everything we had, and eventually became abusive. Did I make a stupid choice by getting married at 17? Yes. Do I deserve to be alone for my entire life because of it? No.

On the other hand, I agree with you. No woman should ever look down on a man who does not wish to be involved with a single mom. It is a choice and preference just like anything else. To the original poster, at 23, I would avoid single moms like the plague. You are NOT too immature, but you have a lot of life ahead of you and you should take the chance to enjoy it.

To everyone else, if you think that all single moms are just looking for someone to take care of them, don't want more children in the future, or don't know how to love anyone but their children? Then you are simply stereotyping and in my opinion that IS immature. If you want to choose not to be with a single parent, then by all means that is your choice but there is no reason to put them down. I take care of four boys by myself everyday of my life with little to not help from their fathers and absolutely no help from the government or taxpayers (another common misconception about single parents.) I run a successful business and own my own home. The only thing I ask from any man I meet is to be treated with the same respect as any other woman.
 Disneylover27
Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 339
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/15/2009 6:53:28 AM
Sorry, my post above was meant to target this post which was originally from m_church.

"I'm not going to blame the women who's husband died... or in some cases, really unforseen issues did arise...
But in a lot of cases, the problem is partly the women...
As was just pointed out, a lot of women tend to choose unwisely... They often pick the wrong guys to have kids with, then after the guy splits, they can't understand why some other schmuck doesn't want to raise the other guys kids...
But NO, it wasn't YOUR fault that you married a guy who cheats, beats or does drugs, Nope... You didn't see it coming?
Divorce not your fault? Yes it is, he couldn't divorce you if you didn't marry him in the first place....?
Sorry, if you know the guy well enough to have sex with him, and have a kid with him, then don't come crying to the world about how you didn't expect this... you either didn't know him well enough to have kids with him, or you were too stupid to see the truth...
Oh, yes, and I DO throw this onto the mothers... you are the ones raising and nurturing the kids... you should know better than to try to raise kids in a bad environment....
Single mom... yes, and where is the father...? He took off, didn't want to be bothered or is out screwing some other naive woman and probably getting her pregnant and he will move on...
And don't give me the birth contol didn't work argument. "Oh the condom broke" when you're pregnant... but "Condoms don't break" when we're talking STD's...
You got pregnant because you either wanted to or you weren't very bright... End of story....
So now, a guy who isn't "nice" or is too "immature" to not want to raise the other guy's kids gets looked down upon. Too bad, he probably would have been a much better source of genetic material than the guy who fathered your kids... "
 Larkheart
Joined: 1/18/2009
Msg: 340
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/15/2009 8:50:09 AM
I guess it's a personal choice whether or not you want to date a woman with children. Unfortuntatly there is a bit of responsiblity that comes with it and that is although you don't have to be their father, you do have to be a role model. Those children are innocent and will look up to you, especially when their fathers are not active in their lives. This can be very rewarding to you, or not... I know for me, I have two children and we have lots of fun together. I don't let the fact that I'm a single mom hold me back from obtaining my goals and bettering myself. I think I actually twice as hard as most which makes me appreciate the little things that much more. I'm not high maintenance and I don't need a man to do everything for me. I think if I found the right guy to be a part of our lives, we be just as much of a blessing to him as he is to us.
 gninew64
Joined: 12/14/2008
Msg: 341
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 3/15/2009 12:43:04 PM
I agree with that completely. As a single mother, I have had a lot of guys "pass" on me simply because they don't want to deal with the kid issue. I'm a great catch though and alot of men are missing out because of that. It will only be your loss...so my advise is to find a nice woman you have a lot in common with and when it comes to the kids, just don't close any doors. Some of the closest relationships are "Step" relationships...go for it!
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 342
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Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:32:57 PM

In my case I made a bad decision when I was 17. I married someone who promised me the moon. Stupid? Yes. Naive? Yes


Did you learn from it...?



I take care of four boys by myself everyday of my life with little to not help from their fathers


Nope, apparently not.... (How many fathers?)



To everyone else, if you think that all single moms are just looking for someone to take care of them, don't want more children in the future
And your profile says "Do you want children: Prefer not to say"
So it's probably a "No", or it will be one more father...
 akkitty
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 343
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Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:42:33 PM
"I'm not going to blame the women who's husband died... or in some cases, really unforseen issues did arise...
But in a lot of cases, the problem is partly the women...
As was just pointed out, a lot of women tend to choose unwisely... They often pick the wrong guys to have kids with, then after the guy splits, they can't understand why some other schmuck doesn't want to raise the other guys kids...
But NO, it wasn't YOUR fault that you married a guy who cheats, beats or does drugs, Nope... You didn't see it coming?
Divorce not your fault? Yes it is, he couldn't divorce you if you didn't marry him in the first place....?
Sorry, if you know the guy well enough to have sex with him, and have a kid with him, then don't come crying to the world about how you didn't expect this... you either didn't know him well enough to have kids with him, or you were too stupid to see the truth...
Oh, yes, and I DO throw this onto the mothers... you are the ones raising and nurturing the kids... you should know better than to try to raise kids in a bad environment....
Single mom... yes, and where is the father...? He took off, didn't want to be bothered or is out screwing some other naive woman and probably getting her pregnant and he will move on...
And don't give me the birth contol didn't work argument. "Oh the condom broke" when you're pregnant... but "Condoms don't break" when we're talking STD's...
You got pregnant because you either wanted to or you weren't very bright... End of story....
So now, a guy who isn't "nice" or is too "immature" to not want to raise the other guy's kids gets looked down upon. Too bad, he probably would have been a much better source of genetic material than the guy who fathered your kids... "



What an unbelievably hateful post. 'Women tend to choose unwisely'...last time I checked we don't live in a perfect world. I could live with someone for 20 years and still never really know a person. Falling in love with someone is a leap of faith all the way. The idea of being with someone who is abusive, or unsuitable in other ways is unappealing. We don't CHOOSE to get into those situations knowing how it is upfront. Most people wear masks, and take a long time taking them off. It's no one's fault that they think they've married one person, but really married another.

'Too stupid to see the truth' Really? Women are stupid becuase some people are capable of fooling us? Of masking their true colors effectively for indefinate periods of time? I'm reminded of Ted Bundy....

'Know better than to raise the kids in a bad environment' I didn't realize some women had a choice. The women who were raised with no education, in that abusive home, who fall for the wrong the guy who says he loves her, gets her pregnant, and then leaves her. What are her options again? We are a product of our environments. Statiscially proven fact.

'Where is the father' Well for most women who are single with kids, the father is still in the picture in some capacity. Not all men are scum just because the relationship that produced the child didn't work out.

It's a choice for anyone to make not to date a woman who has children. For whatever reason. But don't make it out like we're stupid, or in some way lacking because we have an opinion about the negative responses we get from small minded, bigoted fools who have nothing nice to say about single mothers dating.
 missbrandi28
Joined: 5/12/2009
Msg: 344
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Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 7/21/2009 1:08:32 AM
I think you answered your own question. But if it really bothers you, don't test it out to see how it goes. Hearts can get broken that way, tiny ones too.
 ajpenguin
Joined: 6/13/2009
Msg: 345
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 7/21/2009 5:50:05 AM
I'm a young single mom, and while I enjoy talking to single guys who only have work and/or school to dedicate themselves to, I find that non-parents are not as....understanding, I guess, of the priority system of a single parent. I've had wonderful ongoing "friendships" with single dads who are able to brag about their kids, relate to the struggles, and for the most part, have their priorities straight. On the other hand, of course, it means that there's less time to spend together. That's just something that comes with the territory of kids; it's the same within a marriage. I've had good times with guys that don't have kids, and while it would be retarded to hold the fact that they have no offspring against them, the fact is that without that little person responsibility in their life, they can't fully comprehend it. I don't get much time to spend with my daughter because I'm back at school and I work two jobs, so for the times I do get, I spend them with her. Non-parents don't seem to understand why I wouldn't want to spend that time with them.

Don't fear us though; we're humans just like you. I do understand it; we each have our own dramas, some more than others, and not all of us are as responsible and mature as we should be.

As far as advantages, the only thing I'd be able to say, without a doubt, is that if you look at a single mom's life, you can see the real her very clearly. Do we leave the kids somewhere to go shopping, or is our wardrobe worn out and the kids' is looking nice? Selfish versus caring. Do the kids throw constant hissy fits in public, or are they well behaved? Careless versus disciplinary. My mom was a single mom for 8 years and she worked her butt off to support me. I like to think I was a well-behaved kid. Then she married someone and we moved, and that man is the closest thing to a daddy I've ever had; I call him so. He thinks of me as his own, he cried with me when I went through my legal fits. He was on the phone with me WHILE I was being served, trying to comfort me and advise me.

But if you don't think you can handle it, good. At least you're mature enough to recognize that before trying and getting into a bad situation.
 2009WhyNot
Joined: 7/9/2009
Msg: 346
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 7/21/2009 6:02:35 AM
Ok ill be honest and i havnt read all the 14 pages prior to posting this.

But just wanted to add my 2 cents and say man, i havnt been successful on this hehe.
Maybe its my profile or pics or just me lol, but all i want is to go to the movies, have a drink, meet new friends. I have a feeling my 'single dad' status scares most away, its a shame. I do understand though. Dating to me is going out having a great night. Doesnt mean you have to have sex, or get serious or get married etc.

Come on girls gimme me a bell, im new to this so i might be jumping the gun alittle, but all i want is great company.

Do i sound desperate hehe?
 Crunchy Tacos
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 347
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 7/22/2009 1:17:02 AM
Don't subject yourself to "ifs" about a possible relationship. You are not obligated to anyone with or without kids. But if having a relationship kid free is what you seek, then don't compromise and go for someone who does have kids.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 348
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 7/22/2009 9:55:52 AM
2009WhyNot, you only recently joined POF, do not become so discouraged so early into the experience of POF...lol. I checked out your profile. You are to me anyway an attractive man who seems to have his life on track. You shouldn't have too much trouble meeting women who will date you....patience is a virtue. Do you sound desperate? Yeah, a little bit..... good luck in the pond.
 steveedster2000
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 349
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History
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 8/11/2009 1:52:10 AM
I never judge a girl on her situation, I judge her on who she is. Simple.
 Keepburning
Joined: 12/25/2011
Msg: 350
Fear of dating single mothers
Posted: 2/5/2012 4:48:25 PM
I can't date a single mom. I can't stomach the thought of being 2nd place for some other guy's money shot. Why the hell should I suffer? I'm not very fond of kids anyways.
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