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| First Meeting Place
Posted: 1/12/2009 9:49:13 PM | | I didn't even realize that you never spoke on the phone and he expected to meet at one's house? That is even scarier, like emails only classify a home visit. | |
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Posted: 1/12/2009 9:50:02 PM | | uh no. I can think of plenty of others that are far cheaper. | |
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Sefra
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 29 | |
| First Meeting Place
Posted: 1/13/2009 1:29:11 AM | NO I can honestly say that no one has said that we should me at either one of our places... this guy obviously has only one thing on his mind..but im sure it wasn't to hurt you.. He's prolly offended that you didn't trust him. Tell him that trust is earned not automatic. And then say: 'GOOD BYE'. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 1:36:37 AM | PERV alert ! With all the nuts all over, one has to be very careful where they go and are by themselves. Im thinking if hes that adamant on it being HIS place (much less YOURS) he has some major control issues. Anyone that insists on THAT, should only spend time with their laundry instead of people.
Come on, you listen to the news....you arent a wide-eyed easily tricked teenager anymore, why would you even want to HEAR from this nutjob anymore? Move on and find someone that respects you . Anyone that would question meeting in PUBLIC for the first time, is just wayyyyyy too off the center line to even consider in my book. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 3:36:11 AM | You know the answer. Be confident in it.
As I told my daughter, "95% of all men are jerks heading one place, your job is to cut your losses early."
If some guy walked up to you on the street and said "lets have dinner at my house", would you? HECK NO! You know more about that guy on the street than you do someone you meet on the internet. Set this guy on the curb with the garbage and don't think another thought about him.
In the future, if a guy says he doesn't understand, suggest volunteering at the local rape crisis center or meeting in the lobby of the police station for coffee.
Sorry guys, the 95% may be a little strong but before you flame me can we at least admit there is a lot of room for improvement in our behavior as a group? | |
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| First Meeting Place
Posted: 1/13/2009 4:58:52 AM | If a man suggests that we either go to his place or mine...whether for the first meet or after it...no matter how comfortable I may feel with him...my answer is an unequivocal "NO." The old "come on over and check out my etchings (apartment, hot tub, etc)" is still a tactic used by some men out there.
My preference for a first meet is to either go out for dinner or attend one of the local POF get togethers. The POF gathering, or any other venue where you are known and acknowledged, is my ultimate choice, as my friends may observe something about the man that I didn't pick up on. On the positive side, they would also be honest in their critique of him after they met him. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 6:18:38 AM | Yet, with all that's been said here.... I still notice many men suggest something like, dinner at their house, as a first date.
In fairness to men, I think many just don't consider the implications, from a woman's point of view.
So, the invitation in it's self is not a red flag, in my opinion. But their reaction, if you decline, really tells the story..
tb | |
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| First Meeting Place
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:24:27 AM | Actually, when dealing with people of a certain intelligence, I find it amazing that in 2009, such a suggestion would come from either side.
I believe it as a matter of a troll who may do this on a regular basis and gets enough comers that it pays off. He knows the right strings to pull, what to say, what to pretend to be in order to reel in the catch. It's sort of like a delivery service, without the pizza. I felt as if it was a request to bring a part of my anatomy for consumption. Tha that was all that was wanted or needed.
And yes, there were subtle control issues which, admittedly raised red flags. One, funny enough ,was that I was on POF after we started emailing and his being 'disappointed' that I was looking @ other men. So, I stopped signing on. Lo and behold, when I came back to POF, who's pic was lined up as someone who had recently been on site? I laughed.......... | |
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| First Meeting Place
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:36:18 AM | I believe it as a matter of a troll who may do this on a regular basis and gets enough comers that it pays off. He knows the right strings to pull, what to say, what to pretend to be in order to reel in the catch. It's sort of like a delivery service, without the pizza. I felt as if it was a request to bring a part of my anatomy for consumption. Tha that was all that was wanted or needed.
Oh yeah....that's the thing. If it never worked and no woman ever went for it, it wouldn't be asked. Some women somewhere are falling for this crap, so these men are just working their numbers and waiting for the less savvy ones to fall into the net.
I get any kind of request that defies logic and common sense, and I know for sure that somehow somewhere it must have paid off for them to try it again. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 9:43:41 AM | | I'm a man and I would insist on public too. I don't blame you, that creeps me out. | |
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| First Meeting Place
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:46:11 AM |
And yes, there were subtle control issues which, admittedly raised red flags. One, funny enough ,was that I was on POF after we started emailing and his being 'disappointed' that I was looking @ other men. So, I stopped signing on. Lo and behold, when I came back to POF, who's pic was lined up as someone who had recently been on site? I laughed..........
Unless we've had the exclusivity talk after dating for a while, my activities on dating sites are no one's business but my own. You can't really "know" someone in email. That takes a face to face meeting in a public place. Any guy who insists that you meet in your home or his is just looking for sex. This man has more red flags than a battle map. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 9:49:28 AM | Ladey
you did right by not going to his place or yours on a first date, there are way to many people in this world that are untrustworthy, and some even worst than that. A good friend of mine accept a ride home from a party the other night by a guy she hardly knew, and it turned out bad, really really bad...so always keep your guard up. | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 12:59:32 PM | My best guess is this guy is married or in a relationship and looking for something on the side. Doesn't want the possibilty of running into someone he knows in a public place because then his secretive wandering ways will be discovered.
There's my two cents ! | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 5:07:25 PM | OP I will say this and thats there is not tha much laundry in the world to be doing all the time and in my opinion he only wants whats in the pants. Me personally will not go to the female house or bring her to my place but will meet at a very nice cozy resturant or better a park or something. And I have to say thank God I never had that experience and never will and with that I will say good luck and hope it all works out.
FYI === If he is really interested in you then he will meet you where you suggests | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 5:31:24 PM | Its always best to meet in a public place-I think most of us know that. However, just because its public does not mean its safe. There was a woman near me who was raped as the man walked her to her van, after their 1st meet for dinner. It was already dark out, so he just pushed her into the van, closed the door & raped her. It was never reported to the police (I heard about it through the grapevine). Since no one knows what this guy looks like, and the woman was around my age, I am even more careful with meeting men for the first time. They met through one of the online sites.
Every man I've met in person has been very understanding about meeting in a public place and my not divulging personal information until that time (if ever).
Ladey....only a loser would do what he did and it sounds like you dodged a bullet. Not only did he appear controlling, but as someone said, he could even have been married or involved and who needs that?
HR  | |
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Posted: 1/13/2009 11:24:30 PM | | Public place is always best..I've had stalkers. Unless you're arranging an "intimate encounter" ..in that case..someone's place would be most economical. You stood your ground and if he didn't want to comply with it..too bad...nothing too unreasonable about a public place. | |
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| First Meeting Place
Posted: 1/14/2009 9:40:59 AM | | Wow! I'm am amazed that anyone would even suggest a meeting at their place as a first date. What an assumption! Even if it was just a bit of a slip, how could he possibly be offended when he's (or she's...) told that would be inappropriate or make you uncomfortable? You did the right thing by backing off from that one. No matter how well you think you might know someone based on some emails, it's just not enough when it's your safety at stake. I hope lots of people read this thread and re-think their plans for that first date... | |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 11:27:51 AM | It's interesting to read these responses because I honestly didn't realize that this was such a "red flag".
I've never had a negative experience meeting someone at their home or mine before going out someplace else so I never bothered giving the risks much thought. I've never thought of just staying at that person's home as a first date though because really there isn't much to do usually.
There was one person I had a difficult time arranging a date with and I expect these reasons above are why. The plan was to go indoor rock climbing but she didn't have a car or money to bus to the gym (she was a student) so I was going to pick her up at her place then drive her to the gym and back. After we agreed on that, she backed out, saying she "didn't think it was right" and instead wanted me to pick her up at a mall where I would have find directions for and pay for parking, as well as gas, and her day pass at the gym. At this point I started getting suspicious that she just wanted someone to pay for her leisure activities and drive her around town. I didn't really know this person vary well so I just wanted an opportunity to get to know this person to decide if I wanted to spend time with her, so it was easy at this point to decline her suggestion and just assume she wasn't worth the effort to meet.
It could be discouraging for a guy to be told "I don't want to meet you somewhere where I can't scream for help if I want help" because it can make the guy feel she doesn't trust him to not assault her. I find it difficult to understand how a woman could be attracted to me while at the same time think I might assault her. | |
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| First Meeting Place
Posted: 1/14/2009 12:28:02 PM | as a guy no.........but obviously he wanted to be somewhere private if ya know what I mean.
When I about to meet someone, I always suggest a public place, it's safe for both parties. and easier to get out of if things go wierd.....
I have never asked to meet at my place or asked to meet at her place..........just common sense..... | |
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| First Meeting Place
Posted: 1/14/2009 6:54:52 PM | It's not just women that need to be safe....
Either way, if you go to their place,,,, it could be an ambush, you are on their turf, They know the "lay of the land" where all the wepons are.
If you have them at your place.... so that you can control the situation, then they know where you live. If they are psyco-nuts you may have to move.
I once had a younger co-worker invite me to her apartment to sit in the hot tub and drink wine. She had been up front about her fiancé being in Turkey in the military, she didn't have a car and often socialized with men from work, platonicly.
I accepter her offer, about an hour after I got there, while enjoying the hot tub, not hitting on her, another friend from work showed up to visit, after a swim he left.
I think she had him drop by incase she needed help, and then told him he didn't neet to stay.
We went out many times platonicly, I did fall for her, but always knew I couldn't have her. | |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 8:03:15 PM | Honestly I have met many women at one of the others house on a first date. This is always after talking for a while both on the phone, and in Emails. I have NEVER expected anything and I've made it plain they shouldn't with me as well.
Contrary to what many women think not ALL guys are after "one thing" when they go on a first date, even if it's at an others house. Some guys actually want to get to know someone and feel a connection before the "one thing happens".
Now if the woman I asked out felt more comfortable meeting in a public place....Then that's perfectly fine too. And anyone can understand that.
Sometimes people need to take chances. Those chances don't have to make you freak out and do something that makes you feel unsafe.... But what the heck.... Take a little chance and actually go out with people. | |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 9:02:13 PM | Contrary to what many women think not ALL guys are after "one thing" when they go on a first date, even if it's at an others house. Some guys actually want to get to know someone and feel a connection before the "one thing happens".
Sometimes people need to take chances. Those chances don't have to make you freak out and do something that makes you feel unsafe.... But what the heck.... Take a little chance and actually go out with people.
I'm all for being spontaneous and taking chances. But not with my life and my emotional well being!
I believe it as a matter of a troll who may do this on a regular basis and gets enough comers that it pays off. He knows the right strings to pull, what to say, what to pretend to be in order to reel in the catch. It's sort of like a delivery service, without the pizza. I felt as if it was a request to bring a part of my anatomy for consumption. Tha that was all that was wanted or needed.
DIXIE: Oh yeah....that's the thing. If it never worked and no woman ever went for it, it wouldn't be asked. Some women somewhere are falling for this crap, so these men are just working their numbers and waiting for the less savvy ones to fall into the net.
I get any kind of request that defies logic and common sense, and I know for sure that somehow somewhere it must have paid off for them to try it again.
OP, Dixie, you both are incredibly intelligent woman.
Many men just have a huge sense of entitlement and an unrealistic idea of what is okay. They continue with their dysfunctional behavior and consider it an accomplishment if they can brow beat a woman into doing what they want -- so sometimes it might not just be women falling for this crap, but manipulated and conned into it, you know? | |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 10:34:24 PM | Stuff like this makes it harder for the sincere.
After thinking about it, it did occur to me that what some have said: that he is married or "involved" (not so much, though, huh). One reason that comes to mind is that we would exchange emails 5-6 times/weekend days, but not those evenings. His hobby may be emailing, "playing" with women. And then when it comes time to meet, he sets it up so that he is "rejected" (1st meeting site being unacceptable for the woman). Then, he moves on to the next. Just a thought into a possible sick mind. | |
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Posted: 1/14/2009 11:01:24 PM | i met a girl once at a bus stop, it was different i went along with it we caught a ride on the bus toured the city for a while.
another date i met a girl in a taxi she told me to meet her at such and such and she pulled up in a taxi she was the pasenger of course... different it was different indeed. | |
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