| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:28:47 AM | OP, how many more posts do you need to make you see the light?????? We've all said the exact same thing. I think you know what you need to do but just need to gather up some courage and dothe right thing.
You don't owe anybody a damn thing and if any of his family members continue to call you and harass you, I'd put a stop to that pronto. There is something called a restraining order you know, people cannot just talk to you in any fashion they desire. As for your mother, what kind of a mother is she that she'd make you feel guilty over ending it with this man????????? If I were you, I'd run far far away from all these drama filled, crazy, nutcase people who are controlling you. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:30:43 AM | Did you enjoy your experience so much that you will put your own daughter at risk of the same or worse?
I find it hard to believe that you would seek internet input on this matter. His MOTHER is telling you that you are really screwing up, and to run away. You confronted him and confirmed that she isn't telling you a lie. She cared so much for you and your daughter that she found the courage to tell you face to face. Now you are asking us. Are you kidding me?
I appologise to anyone that was offended by my words above, but someone needs to kick OP in the head before she ruins her daughters life. Of couse I realize that there is ZERO enjoyment from being sexually attacked. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:43:26 AM | You have several issues here. Some are related to your relationship with him, regardless of past, others are associated to the subject that you brought up. Now, let's star with the past. My problem is not so much what happened with his sister. There could be many circumstances and conditions for what had happened and we could discuss that until we are blue on the face, but one thing remains to this day, and that is his lack of responsibility, that it was not "his fault". "He didn't know what he was doing" really? "Had no control over it." People who use that type of language scare the be jesus out of me. Why? Because they blame everyone else for what happens to them. They blame everyone else for their own actions. They live a script on life that plays by "Look at what you made me do."
This people, this attitude of disassociation from your actions are at the center not only of the molester, but the abuser, THE emotional abuser that sees everything wrong with you, THE physical abuser that complaints that you set him off, THE sexual abuser, that will complaint that your daughter was just too cute and it was not his fault.
Just on that premise, I would not even go into point two, the huge problems you have with this individual. I think you should remove him from your life completely. And start working on your self esteem, you owe it to yourself and your daughter. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 8:54:25 AM |
I just found out from my boyfriends mother, that when he was younger he sexually molested his sister. Im not sure of the age. but hes 29 now.
I'm just trying to grasp how "29 years later" in the title of this thread comes into play? He was molesting his sister in the womb? Twins? Anything else, and its *not* "29 years later", and yes, a major red flag! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:03:57 AM | Most women would run at the mere mention and rightly so!
Then again, if the right people don't learn to deal with this sort of guy, he will only learn to hide his issues and pose an even greater threat to society.
Nevertheless, we may be able to change our ways, but we can't change who we are and until he accepts "responsibility" for what he did and engages in some meaningful counseling, there can be "no" exception. His anger, defensiveness and controlling ways are all indications that he does not get it and he is a threat to you and your daughter's well being, both physically and emotionally. You need to move on and not look back. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:08:55 AM |
he was younger he sexually molested his sister. Im not sure of the age. but hes 29 now. He hasnt mentioned it and when i brought it up after finding out he denied it, and then claimed it wasnt his fault. He didnt know what he was doing and had no control over it, and doesnt think he should be blamed for it
This statement alone would be the deal breaker for me. These words tell me he is in denial.
Ive been sexually assaulted in the past..and i have a daughter..
Then how can you knowlingly put your daughter at risk. You know the pain and tribulations you go through to this day. How in the world can you put her right in the path of a offender.
My advice is to google sex offender and start reading.
Facts are usually for every victim we know about there is at least 10 that we don't from the same perp. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 11:21:10 AM | Good Lord, and you wonder why the world is sooooooo screwed up, man o man life on Mars is looking real good about now.
I cannot believe you are asking these questions and staying with a guy like that? talking about dysfunctional his own mother told you that? why you havent let the door hit your ass on the way out is beyond me?
I say get your ass over to a qualified therapist because your not sane enough to make qualified decision, YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER, isnt her safety and well being paramount? | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 3:01:38 PM | I would not trust someone who had molested their sister.
Especially of concern would be the way he is not taking responsibility for what he did.
He also sounds like he just plain old isn't very nice to you. I don't really feel you are quite that desperate for a relationship...are you? Stay away from this guy. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 3:24:29 PM | | Please get away from this guy before we read/hear about it on the news !!!!!! Your boyfriends Mother told you about it, she is probably the one who does know him best and knows he hasn't changed or won't change!!! (mothers know best) Your not responsible for this guys actions!! Please don't let him try to control your life, you can see the same things going on in your moms life, get out NOW!! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 3:31:29 PM | Hershey
Run as fast as you can away from this!
I'm not kidding,
This is how preditors first start, first they wear down your self worth , then proceed to mentally abuse, then physical abuse, then isolation. At the Point of Physical abuse he believes he owns you and he will hurt you bad if you attemp to leave then.
Looking at your post, phase one is nearly complete, phase two is under way , its only a mater of time before the black eyes and broken bones begin.
the past is irrelevent, this is real and now | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 3:37:42 PM | There are so many parts of this that I find offensive.
1. I think it is heinous that his mother took it upon herself to inform you of this very private and personal situation. It was not her place. It was YOUR place to inform her to stop and go no further once you realized what she was doing. I find this disgusting and appalling.
2. The specifics of what occurred - would definitely be relevent to how I treated my "boyfriend" in this case. There are a number of things which happen between young siblings while growing - some call abuse, others call children, etc., So to know the details and what if any counseling occurred would be essential in making a decision.
HOWEVER, I do not see how it is ANY of your business.
If this truly occurred when he was a child. I would say younger than 10 - I do not see why you needed to be informed.
That's absurd.
And to "tell on him" when he's 29 by his mom?
Sounds like Mom is one twisted ****.
Now, as to your issues with him....
You have enough complaints about him to warrant dumping him, if you wanted to. Clearly they weren't bothering you enough that you were willing to stop sleeping with him and be alone...until now.
I think it's weak and lame that NOW THAT YOU KNOW his naughty secret, NOW you want us to tell you it's ok to dump his ass.
It was okay all along.
Why do you need the validation of total stangers to be a grown up? | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 3:42:41 PM | OP, this has "train wreck" written all over it - in HUGE RED LETTERS.
for your daughter's sake, if not your own, run like hell away from this guy. your mother's a grown woman; she can handle her relationship with this loser's father on her own. don't stay because of her feelings or anyone else's.
your first duty is to keep your child safe. get her away from this pedophile fast before he does something to her that you'll regret for the rest of your life. you said you were molested. you know what that's like, what kinds of feelings it causes. do you want your child to go through that? I don't think you do.
leave now!
EDIT: msg 38 - I cannot believe the first part of your post! I think it was right and courageous of his mother to tell the OP of his past. I doubt the loser would have told her himself until it was too late - meaning that another innocent child would have been harmed. whenever any of us perceive danger to a child, it's our duty to step up and try to protect her/him! his mother did this. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 3:50:14 PM | | WTF? NOT his fault? whose fault was it? his sister's? what, did she seduce him or something? i'm sorry but it sounds like he's in denial and needs some therapy. i wouldn't have anything to do with this creep because he sounds like he's mentally ill. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 3:53:38 PM | | of course it's a deal breaker!!! wow, i'm shocked that you even need to ask this question. i realize you are young, but still, for the sake of your daughter, please dump this creep. also sounds like a major control freak, not another good trait to have. if he is a pedophile, then there is no help, these people cannot be rehabilitated from my understanding. RUN RUN RUN!!!! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 4:33:54 PM | | xhershyxkissesx, can you send me a message to my inbox? I have some personal insight for you on the situation, but I don't want to post it on the forums for everybody to read, and I can't email you with your filters up, unless you send me a message first. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 4:51:30 PM | ~tilts head~ OP what in the world are you doing?
Do you have so little self esteem that you would subject yourself, let along your daughter to this type of life?
First and foremost he's admitted to the molestation but denies fault no matter how you found out. Then, you gave no specifics as to the molestation and his age at the time.
Point is, you have a young child.
All that aside.....
Then, he belittles you etc, etc....
Then, you are afraid that your mother is going to be angry with you for dumping him because she's dating his father and you will be looked down upon by her and she will take it out on you?
Look, do you need lightening to strike you or something?
Grow up and start thinking like an adult. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 5:11:25 PM | OP: Back away from your PC and look for a Social Worker....TODAY.
This is a nice friendly date site filled with well meaning but
unqualified people. You need a wee bit more than what anyone can
expect to get from the Forums. Don't put it off. Don't quote the Forums
in any kind of "talk" with anyone in your Family. Google Social Service
agencies in your area and go to them..... tomorrow at the latest. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 5:39:36 PM | You know, I"m really hesitant and reluctant to chime in on threads like these, but this one has brought me to the brink and thrown me headlong into the mix.; this straw has broken my vow of silence in these matters....
First off - when I read through sad laments such as yours, I try to scratch the surface, read between the lines - you know, sift through the subtext to see if there's a trace of the only possible redeeming factor that could mitigate these circumstances:
"Love".... And guess what?... There's not even a hint of it here, not an inkling; only insanity, control, manipulation, and Uber- Dysfunctionality...
Should you exit this sordid drama before you become a permanent player in it?...
D' ya think?!?!?....
Here's the deal: When (and I do mean "When" and not "If") you leave this sinking ship, I'm willing to bet that the lunatic you've described also possesses a stalker's mentality ...
Only he'll lack the balls to do it himself- he'll go whining to Daddy and probably got the old man to do his stalking for him...
There's a frikkin' hot screenplay in this, I swear.....
Good Luck. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 5:40:56 PM | I so agree with posts 28 And 47. This is Very serious and needs to be dealt with outside of these forums.
<div class="quote">and i'll be to blame. and i dont want that .. And how will you feel when your daughter tells you - or worse .. when she doesn't, but you Know .. you Know.
PLEASE reread posts 28 and 47 especially.
Take care of your little girl And take care of her mother. You're in Canada - there are all kind of helplines, hotlines = all kinds and they're toll free. Look in the phone book right inside the front cover usually there are lots of numbers for help. If you're afraid - call a womens shelter, they can help get you and your little girl to a safe place where you can start over and get counselling. I do think you need it .. if you had good self esteem ( likely because of your child abuse) .. however - you can learn to love yourself and know that you deserve someone who treats you the way they feel about you - Special. Don't settle for less.
Your daughter should be the person you consider most in this. She has no choice .. Dont let it happen to her. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:36:54 PM | I'm going to say something that I couldn't read through all the responses to determine if it's been said.
People who molest children don't just occur. They come, generally, from the same background; it happened to them likely. So take a good look at daddy-o too, while you're at it.
Perhaps your mom and you both are drawn to something within these men that you're tyring to provide resolution for, something from the past. I'd guess there are serious reasons that you and your mom have not been close.
You're 19 and you've got a chance to escape this dysfunction. Walk on by. | |
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