| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 6:37:41 PM | wow
I agree that the age of him when he "sexually abused" his sister, and the extent is a key factor here (a great deal of youngsters do experiment/test with peers/family) . If he truly was a child, I wonder where it came from? Is there more than one sexual predator in the family?
If what you mention of his father and your predictions of his reaction towards your mom is true and accurate... I think some things may have been directly inherited!
Even without the conversation from his mom the other classic abusive traits (belittling, control) would be more than enough for me to be running away. It is so not worth it and the longer you wait the harder it will get.
RUN!!!
... and take your mom with you. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:05:59 PM | Thank you. So much everyone.
You all encouraged me in different ways.
I sent him a text a couple hours ago ending things with him.. My phone is on silent and i have about 15 messages from him im ignoring. Because i know that hes tryin to change my mind.
I appreciate all the feedback. and I was also told by his mom that his dad has done sexual things.. Waht kind. Im not sure of..But.
Thank you a gain. So much!
And Im going to delete this thread. As its no longer needed.
Best wishes to you all and a happy late new year xo | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 9:23:06 PM | | Regardless of who he was in the past, it is obvious that he isn't making you happy *right now*. He does not respect your body or your feelings. That should be the deal breaker right there. I think you need to ask yourself what it is you are getting out of this relationship. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/13/2009 10:27:49 PM | Sweetie, you know what to do. Re-read your post as though it was a friend asking you what to do.....you know the answer.
Just in case.....
You need to drop him. Molestation aside,
Im a ''curvy'' girl. And every day he sees me. He has to bring up my weight and the fact that im not a size 0.
He is trying to make you feel bad about yourself. Men like this will keep at it until you feel as though no other man will ever want you. This is how they get you to stay with them and their behavior only gets worse. You've only been together for 4 months.... you should still be in the "newlywed" phase of the relationship.
You're only 19, this is not a guy you should consider any kind of long term relationship with. You are beautiful and will find someone who can have a healthy relationship.
This guy doesn't sound capable. The molestation is only a small part of why you should leave him. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/14/2009 3:19:45 PM | | Wow..next on Jerry Springer, our parents are dating, he molested his own sister, and now I am afraid to leave him alone with my daughter.....should you continue in this and give him another chance.....GIRL are you a case or what, do it in a text, on the phone, via email...just do it, run and run fast, protect your child before she becaomes another victim. Dont look back, and dont feel bad, this guy is never going to accept responsibilty for his own actions, so now you must. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/14/2009 3:48:47 PM | Given the fact that you have a daughter and that this guy is otherwise proving himself to be unworthy of your affections, and clearly can't take responsibility for his past actions, I'd say: run. You're not happy, there's previous risky behavior that he may not have dealt with that could be a risk to your child, and I'm guessing he's never dealt with this through therapy. NOT a good mix, especially where there's a control streak. DTMFA, now.
ETA: I see that you did. Good for you for being strong on this!
Also: He's clearly a manipulator with abuser potential from the red flags I see all over your posts. If he does or says anything suspicious, keep a log of it and report it to the police. This is NOT a guy to mess around with. Best of luck to you and your daughter. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/14/2009 6:12:33 PM | You know...I couldn't help but laugh at the sheer number of people who are trying to cleverly gloss over the past of this dude, when all they're really saying is dump him based on his past transgressions...but at the same time, the same number of posters are the ones I've seen chime in with rhetoric previously about how "the past is the past/everyone can change" crap in other posts on POF.
Hypocrites. Gotta hate 'em.
OP -- you're damn right this is a deal breaker and some things don't warrant forgiveness. Molestation being one of the top 3 in my books.
But I thought I'd add that I wanted to be direct about it, where so many other hypocrites have wanted to gloss it all over so that they appear less hypocritical about their previous "the past is the past" bullshit.
Molestation = EPIC FAIL.  | |
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10of6
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Joined: 8/27/2008
Msg: 62 | |
| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/14/2009 6:13:06 PM | If he's 29 now and he did something bad 29 years ago...that's not a lot of wiggle room.
The only one who needs to forgive him is the one he trespassed against, and he needs a period of penitence...to set it right, if that can ever be. Frankly, I'd check out of The Bates Motel, without shower, as soon as possible. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/18/2009 11:16:17 AM | I`ll tell you exactly what to do. If you really, really have a need to inflict pain on yourself, there are such easier ways, which will injure only you, but keep your daughter safe.
You get a fork out of your kitchen drawer, heat it up over a red hot burner and stick it in your forearm.
You could stand in front of a mirror for fifteen minutes a day and chant,"I`m fat and ugly, fat and ugly , fat and ugly.
You can wait until the coldest night of the year and sleep outside with no jacket or blankets.
You could just make a fist and punch yourself over and over in the face.
You could volunteer at a mental ward to assist patients that are out of control.
The point being, you really don`t need him to beat yourself up. Because being with him , this is exactly what you are doing. WHY????????????????????????????????????? | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 12:11:56 AM | Does anyone else feel like they are previewing a script for the next lifetime movie?
I skipped a reading a few pages so excuse me if I am redundant. Honey, drop him. If your mother can't understand why you dropped him with all these reasons, maybe you need to re-evaluate your desire to have a relationship with her. It wouldn't be heartless, it's called being smart. It will also ensure that your daughter doesn't have to go through the pain of a sexual assault like you did. From what you have written this man has abuser written on his forehead in big, screaming, red letters.
Good luck. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 5:08:44 AM |
I just found out from my boyfriends mother, that when he was younger he sexually molested his sister. .....This greatly goes on his age at that time.
I remember back to the days when I was just discovering the pleasures of sex and it's forbidden fruits. I was very very young when a group of us kids decided to play Doctors and Nurses. We looked and prodded and didn't really know what it was all about, but we did know that our 'private' bit's are sacred which made the whole 'game' all the more exciting.
These days our 6 year old behaviour would probably lead to a court room because everything seems magnified in the parents eyes.
Personally I don't think you are happy within your relationship and are looking for excuses to leave. I don't think his mother had any right to bring up his past without him being there. If you want answers then go and speak to his sister with whom he allegedly molested. Sorry, but I cannot tolerate 'second hand' news. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:17:31 AM | For the past month, you haven't been happy with him...but you needed to find out something like this to justify getting out of it?
First of all, if he's 29 years old, this did NOT happen 29 years ago, as your title suggests. I guess what would determine this for me, would be HOW much younger was he? Were they 3 and 4 at the time, playing "I'll show you mine if you show me yours," or was this 5 years ago? If they were very small children, then someone is over-dramatizing this by calling it "molestation." If they were pre-teens or older, then he KNEW what he was doing. How much younger is his sister than him?
And lastly, does any of this really matter, since even before you knew this, you knew you weren't happy with him and that he's a control freak? People like him never accept the responsibility for the things they do. Keep that in mind, when you are allowing him to be in the same room with your daughter.
You don't need our help to know what you need to do here. YOU have nothing to forgive him for, what happened was between him and his sister. What you need to be thinking about is protecting your daughter, not whether or not you have a man around. | |
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