| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:21:38 AM | Your mother is a grownup. If she would blame you for protecting your daughter, then tell her she's doing exactly what you expected her to do, and if she can't be supportive of YOU, then she can get the hell out of your house.
YOU are not responsible for the relationship between his dad and your mom, nor that of him and his dad. They are all adults who can deal with their own relationships without you risking the safety of your daughter (or of yourself, IMO.)
I wanted to ask this, but I am glad someone else beat me to it:
How can you possibly consider staying in it because of your mother? You self report that you were abused in your own past. Is that part of the reason you haven't been close with your mother? Did she not "protect" you as a child, much in the same way you're thinking of not protecting your own daughter and not for her sake but for everyone else's sake? If it's a deal breaker for your and your mom's relationshp that you don't stay with this screwed up guy because either her or her boyfriend will get yelled at by this control freak, messed up short-term boyfriend who has called you the centre of his universe, or that your mother will get mad at you for "screwing her relationship up", you have no business being with your mother either.
Tell your mother that protecting your child is more important than having a man in your bed, which is more than you can say for HER. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:26:10 AM | My God those people are warped. Is your mother going to allow him to call you and yell at you? If so, then you and your mother are NOT "getting it together." If everything has to be perfect in your mothers world for the two of you to get along, then you have accomplished nothing.Tell that man and his son that they are no longer welcome in YOUR home, and maybe your mom can go and live with THEM.
He is NOT going to kill himself. If he does, then he was going to anyway, it's not your fault if he does. From now on when he mentions suicide tell him he need professional help, you aren't qualified to deal with that kind of mental illness. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:35:09 AM |
1. I think it is heinous that his mother took it upon herself to inform you of this very private and personal situation. It was not her place. It was YOUR place to inform her to stop and go no further once you realized what she was doing. I find this disgusting and appalling.
I feel the opposite. I think that this mom had a responsibility to warn this girl to protect her own child. The mother probably knows a lot more, but told the OP just enough to let her know not to let this guy near her kid. It's not like HE was ever going to tell her about it, seeing as how he doesn't think he did anything wrong! If I was his mom I'd tell every woman he ever dates. I couldn't sleep at night if I didn't. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 7:44:12 AM | He sounds like an azz without piling on the potential that he is a pedophile and you are asking this question why?
Also, the situation would not be for you to forgive, he did nothing to you, it is for you to evaluate whether you want to put friends and family potentially at risk and whether you wish to be with someone that potentially has deep-seated emotional problems.
If he were innocent in the situation, which could actually have been the case if he was a child at the time, he would have shared details and explained why it wasn't his fault, yada, yada.
Okay, I'm not reading four pages but from the posts above me, I gather you have a child. Be a parent and to hell with everyone else in the situation. And color me stupid, why didn't you just ask the sister what happened? Or his father if the guy is so juiced about the whole situation?
You know, having a boyfriend is not the goal, having a good man in your life that you want around your children is. And if your mother is so lame that she is more worried about her romantic life than her own grand child, no matter how much your heart bleeds for that relationship, let it go, she is not worth it. Find other valuable women to fill your mother's shoes. Trust me, I am 44, my mother is 78, they don't change and suddenly become Marry Poppins, what you have always had is what you are always going to have. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 8:11:17 AM | I just wanted to offer some {{hugs}} and reminder to stay strong now that you have broken up with him.
I suspect that his dad, your mom, and him will pressure you to take him back.
DON"T.
YOu have absolutely no responsibility to stay with someone you do not want to be with. I dont' care if he's suicidal or not (and he's not- I guarantee it, that's just manipulation of the worst kind). He has a family to help him deal with his emotions.
You are not his keeper. He is not your husband. YOu are allowed to break up with him and get on with your life.
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You might need to put a little distance b/t your mom and his dad right now if they pressure you...that's ok.
And I second what the other person said - NEVER ever leave your child alone w/his dad...if that means your mom can't babysit, that's ok. DON"T take chances. Even if the molestation hadn't occurred, dad sounds like the kind of person to avoid...
Do NOT give in to pressure to take the as*hole back. Stay strong.
If they tell you to forgive and forget? Tell them this is my CHOICE, and my LIFE, and I do NOT want to be with him, STAY OUT of my business. Word for word....that's what you say. Then say goodbye and hang up the phone. DOn't give any of them the opportunity to blather on about how he feels or suicide or anything else.
NOne of that matters. Who you date is YOUR decision. Hell, if you want to dump a guy because he chews with his mouth open, that's ok too. People break up every day for little things. You broke up for about 100 really good reaons. So don't give in and take him back.
Ok????
Years ago I dated and broke up with a guy who wasn't very mentally stable. And he threatened to kill himself. And said he'd never love anyone again. Blah blah blah... I avoided him , refused to speak to him at all after we broke up. 3 weeks later he had a new girlfriend and was blissfully happy with her. And I went on with my life free of his crazy self...thank goodness. But for about 2 weeks right after the breakup it was really hard w/his pressuring me to take him back and it did make me second guess myself....it was pretty scary and hard for me. Luckily I had plenty of social support from friends and family who reminded me that I had done the right thing.
So that's what I"m doing. Reminding you that you totally did the right thing.
Keep us updated, ok?
Kaylie | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 8:12:03 AM | WTF.. Say Drama much?
Your dating a control freak perv.
His mother is a meddling b*tch.
His father is f*ckin your mother, trying to control you.
You have a suffering relationship with your mother.
His sister is perhaps untreated and f*cked up.
He is a Loser who thinks your fat and unattractive.
You like being called Fatso?
He wants to dictate your thoughts and emotions.
He is easily angered.
He shuts down, doesn't communicate with you.
He tried to f*ck his sister and was unpunished.
His parents let him get away with that, what else?
The only victim here is your daughter. She is perhaps subject to all kinds of abuse being the innocent in the mix with all you f*cked up crazy adults. She would be better off being raised up in a zoo by gorillas.
The only hope in your post is that you admit "I just need help". Go get some. Don't hesitate. Get a committee. The fact that you even need to ask about this situation is just plain scary.
Wow.. is all this bull shyt really worth getting your p*ssy wet? Start thinking with your brain instead of your crotch. Start being a mother instead of a doormat whore. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 9:36:08 AM | Deal breaker? It should be. His own mother told you this? Trust her. Family knows him better than you. You have a daughter and are willing to let a molester, an incest molester no less, near your child?
The fact that you are "curvy" should have nothing to do with your intuition, your child's safety, and your self worth. If he's verbally abusive about your weight, what else is he capable of doing or saying?
If you want to forgive him, I hope it's worth it. You may just happen to be in the ER with a daughter he molested. If you're not worth saying good bye to him, shouldn't your daughter be the catalyst for saying goodbye?
I have very very bad feelings about this... | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:02:05 AM | You say in your first post you had been sexually abused in the past. How would you feel if someone knew that this was likely to happen but didn't stop it because "they didn't want drama with their mother".
Your daughter could be a risk here and you won't do anything about it because you don't want drama? Think of the drama when your daughter has to give evidence in court when he's up on a rape charge.
Be a strong woman and leave him. Be a real mother and leave him.
Be anything you want to be - just leave him. If your mother doesn't understand, thats a shame but she damn well should! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:05:03 AM | I think in this case of child-molestation, especially to a sibling (that's just SICK!) & when the offender admitted his/her guilt, I would NOT get involved with that person EVER!!
"He has to bring up my weight and the fact that im not a size zero. He tells me what kind of emotions i should have".
OP: He sounds very controlling. Control always leads to abusive behaviour. Cut off contact & find someone who can appreciate you for who you are! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:06:36 AM |
He is easily angered.
Right on chillpill! And so is his father. And all these threats are very disturbing.
I also wonder why his mother brought it all up. Maybe it has something to do with HIS father dating YOUR Mom.
There is NO REASON TO BE WITH THIS GUY!
Stick to your guns, stay broken up. Just say you don't want to be with him. End of story. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:11:03 AM | Forget the past transgressions and focus on the present.
Personally, I love to be insulted and manipulated on a daily basis. It's fun and fulfilling in every way. I really like it when people order me around and make me their personal slave — stripping me of all my pride and independence. And, I really hope my children learn how to be just as dysfunctional by observing my relationships.
Gee. That sounds like true love, doesn't it?
-z | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:13:57 AM | Are you thinking straight? (Not sounding judgemental here but I hope to get you to think)
you have a daughter, you're 19. You may have some extra weight, so what?
1. the guy has molestation in his past
2. the guy may commit suicide!! Whether it's because you're asking him things or whatever reason, this is sign of an unstable unhealthy character.
3. the guy doesn't like you and has an issue with your weight. What do you need? Someone who bashes your self esteem and confidence day-in, day-out?
4. most important of all, you have a daughter. She is witnessing what's going on in your life and you can potentially be exposing her to a danger situation with this guy. You are her role model and you could be a complice with her molester
I am not here to tell you what to do, (nor anyone in the forums), you live your own life.
But, if I were in your shoes, I would cut off the relationship with the guy right away! I wouldn't seek undeserved attention. I would be strong to seek the right person to love me and my daughter for who we are. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/19/2009 11:20:58 AM | | You need to get out of this relationship fast, how many warning signs, red flags do you need. You said he is controlling, and puts you down - leave him! more importantly, the fact that he denies / and refuses to acknowledge what he did to his sister is worrying big time and what about your own daughter, do you want to risk her safety! sorry to be so alarming, leave this man | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2009 1:41:25 PM | | OP I'm really shocked you felt the need to get a second opinion on this one!! Get out of this relationship now! Who gives a f**k about ur mothers relationship with his Dad! YOUR DAUGHTER should be your only concern! And regardless of how long ago it was that he molested his sister! HE STILL DID IT! Those thoughts and the drive to do such things only live in unstable, sick people! Will he change? Has he? I doubt it! But none the less, or you prepared to take the chance?? | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2009 1:58:52 PM | Is anyone else worried that the OP hasn't been back to post on this thread since the 18th???? 
OP, you okay? How about a follow-up? Please tell us you stayed broken up with this...guy. Your profile still says "not single/not looking." | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2009 2:07:55 PM | Is this a deal breaker?
Not to be condescending but what do you think?
For the past month i havent been happy with him to begin with.. He doesnt care about me. Im a ''curvy'' girl. And every day he sees me. He has to bring up my weight and the fact that im not a size 0. He tells me what kind of emotions i should have.
Not only is he a physical predator, he is an emotional one as well, preying on your weight issues and berating you.
just need help. Ive been sexually assaulted in the past..and i have a daughter..
I suggest removing your self and your daughter from the situation and getting counseling in order to revamp your self esteem. You owe it to both of you to get away from him as it can only get worse. Best to you. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2009 2:22:26 PM | What you say about you and your bf and what you think about you and your bf, is none of my bussiness.
I'll see you as a mother, before a woman; I'll treat you as such, before a lover and, I'll claim from you to have a responsability with your child with no other option.
I'm not going to tie the rope too much around your neck because you're only 19... however, you're already being warned by -pressumably- an inside good source.
Go to your family, friends, co-workers, crisis center, women's shelter, advocacy groups, support organizations, charitable foundations, pro-bonus lawyers, city hall, police station... they're all in the yellow pages.
Unfair or not, proved or not from suspicious, just because the risk's possibility... if I could, I'd report you to Social Services for investigation.
Edit: There is woman from Canada, that can't not be mentioned while posting because forums' rule violation. She can be an excellent source for guidance based on professional expertise by her field. Please, contact me for her reference. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2009 2:40:30 PM | | dr laura says that if the kids are under 12 within a 2 year age gap, its just kids being kids.. give or take a few years and i think its still a normal occurence.. but i think you need to focus on your daughter right now and raising her, instead of looking for a man. by the looks of it you don't have the best judgement in men and you still have issues but it isn't about you anymore, you're living your life for that little girl..sorry if i come off brass, i just think you need to get your priorities straight especially when you have a little girl who is looking up to you.. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2009 2:40:58 PM | I am not trying to be rude...
So, please.. hang with me..
You ask us if the fact he molested his sister should be a deal breaker.. uh..
HELL YES...
But what concerns me the most about your topic, you follow that question up with the fact you haven't been happy with him for the past month, to begin with.. Why? Because he is a jerk to you about your body after only 4 months of dating..
So.. lets take a look at this:
Before you found out he was a sexual offender- He was offensive to you as a person. He was being verbally abusive and assaulting your confidence as a human. But you still don't leave? 4 months of dating- what would it look like after 20 years of marriage?
It is only when you think you have found your 'out' that you use it as an excuse to walk away..
Girl. . . Until you decide that your emotional well being is reason enough not to hang around someone to verbally abuse you, you will continue this pattern with men and in your personal relationships..
My advice: Get away from him as quickly as possible, get some counsel and gain a new confidence in knowing that YOU are reason enough to walk away from a less than enjoyable person..
Best of luck to ya girly.. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2009 2:48:41 PM | I feel your frustration and I know how much you feel that you and your mother need to be close. Tell the guy that you will enjoy going to his funeral because it will allow you and your mother to become even closer. (Make sure you say it very privately to gain plausible deniability)
Then proceed to seek counseling and sue his dad for causing you mental anguish and make the dad pay for the counselor.
Forget Jerry Springer. His writers never wrote anything this good.
Ursula Major:
Good point, I am checking her email preferences.
(she posted on another thread two days ago, and will only accept email from unmarried canadians under 25 within 75 miles) | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2009 3:08:48 PM | @ takeachillpill
Look at your user name. Then do it.
Seems a lot of people here have ZERO idea of what abuse does to a person; how it skews their self-worth so that they no longer can judge what is fair behaviour to them and what is not. That's one of the worst things about abuse - even though the abuse is the fault of the abuser, the victim feels to blame and feels worthless because of it.
Your abusive remarks to the OP are NOT helpful - if she had a better sense of self, she would be able to judge her situation but her self-worth was stripped from her by some idiot. And the likes of you are hardly likely to help her get it back.
The stupid BURNS.
OP, pay no mind to the likes of 'takeachillpill' . They have a LOT to learn about others' suffering. Needless to say, compassion and understanding aren't part of their makeup. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2009 3:27:38 PM | Don't you just love it when you read #1 poster...thread topic... and then you scroll/skim down relatively quickly to add post and then read contents of what's above you and realize you actually need to go back and read more of the posts to figure out how "it" ended up here! Point "A" to "G" lickity split and what the heck happened in the middle!
(That said... I'm still sticking with my original thoughts in this post)
OP: What happened presumably 15-20 years in the past in his life should have absolutley nothing to do with a decision you should have made at the very least a couple weeks ago, if as you say for the past month you haven't liked so many aspects of his behaviour in the relationship! And rightly so per your desricption.
Do not be guilt tripped by his dad, your mom or his suicide threats.... all are selfish on each of their parts, if not downright narcisistic or sociopathic. If he was trying to forget the past, get on with a successful relationship with you, why in the world did his mother let the past out of the bag? Or, were you approaching her out of your need to try to understand his moody, controlling nature? Why were you discussing things with her when maybe you should have been telling your boyfriend that you didn't approve of his current controlling, demeaning ways.
Obviously his parents are divorced if dad now dating your mom and there's that already mentiond notion that a good chance his acorn didn't fall far from dad's tree. Ever ask his mom what their split was all about? I mean you've meddled in the mud so deep as it is - good grief, what state is this taking place in? are we in a trailor park, did somebody just take out the trash? this is definitely some dirty, stinky laundry airing here! Maybe you should be warning mom to think twice about dating dad any longer too.
Yes, you are "the one" in his life as in the one he feels he can control and manipulate and feel better about himself. I hate to say it, but if he stoops so low as to threaten suicide... hand him the gun.
If the relationship with your own mother has been estranged, perhaps that will heal naturally in time if she's now relying upon living with you. It won't if you bend over backwards trying to keep everyone else happy at your own expense. You will grow to resent her even more.
The only mother-daughter relationship you should be concerned about is with your daughter. That's the only relationship you have control over getting right at this time, focus on that and eliminate the craziness of others once and for all.
You know what you need to do, grow a spine and do it! Don't be codependent with the circle of idiots you find yourself surrounded.
Best wishes to you
Edit: okay.... hold the presses - (I feel a bit duped, as others may)
OP per your profile, you aren't even 20 yet, actually have two kids - odd that you mentioned you have a daughter but also have a 3 year old son you're apparently sending off to kindergarten prematurely(!) They call it preschool for a reason - at least here in the states - but, that's a different thread. He should be learning with kids his own age... don't start him off to be picked on by older kids!
Anyway... consider yourself officially thunked upside the head! Have you no concern for your impressionable son by keeping the negatively described boyfriend around for him to gleem bad habits off of... or by continuing to behave so weak, needy and indescisive that he'll expect to hook up with a girl just like mum that he can emotionally trample with ease when he gets older?
And after seeing that your b/f's offense took place just 10 years ago, when he was 19??? (as opposed to th 9-preteen I had naturally guesstimated as being his period of time in confusion, not knowing what he was doing so not his fault, etc!) 19??? why isnt he in jail? or was he?
Oh geezo... why are you even posting this thread? Are you really this starved for attention of any kind from any source?!
Quit being a doormat! Get things stabilized in your own life before bringing another somebody who's another fly-by-nighter or obvious mess into your kids lives!
Sorry to say the obvious, but you aren't working with a good track record here when you take a look into the mirror missy.
Focus on your immediate responsibilities and relationships with your own mother and your children... for goodness sakes keep other things out of your arse* for a bit, zip up and focus on them for a change! Hopefully you are still trying to take classes, learn a trade, etc to strengthen their quality of life! If not, get yer butt out there!
Sorry to end on such a brash tone but I'm actually a bit peaved at your behaviour and notions 
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