| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/27/2009 1:35:13 PM | Guys...guys...she's dumped the loser (I think on page 3). Stop beating the OP up! Come on! At least skim the thread to see what's going on beyond the initial post. Sheesh.
This is what the forums are for...to raise a mirror to ourselves and our lives. Sometimes we can't see the sh*t that's going down in our lives because we have blinders on.
OP - no one can make you feel bad unless you let them. You did the right thing, now don't let the dad or your mom or the perv belittle or harass you. YOU have a right to happiness, no matter what happened before. You have two kids, and it doesn't matter how they got here, they are here...so you have to protect them as best as you can.
You did the right thing. Dust yourself off and feel good about yourself. The guy was a perv and a jerk. You don't need that kind of trash in your life. If your mom and that dad try to bother you, don't listen - or get away from them - they're poison.
Good luck! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/27/2009 4:19:05 PM | Get out. Get out now. Do not pass 'Go." Do not collect $200.
Regardless of his past, his actions now indicate is grooming you for further abuse.
As far as molesting his sister, that indicates a very high probability the whole family was abusive.
For more info, do a web search for Dr. Irene's abuse support site.
You deserve much, much better. You are pretty and deserve someone who sees your beauty. Good luck. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 1/27/2009 8:30:39 PM | Hershey; no one is bashing you. They are giving you advice and every person has their own way of speaking and phrasing things. Usually it's not meant to be offensive.
As well lots of people don't necessarily read through several pages of posts. The rules usually say we are to post on the topic, so sometimes people read the opening post and respond to that. It's an acceptable practice.
The other thing is that you don't own the thread. Once a thread is started, any and every person has the right to give their opinion or make suggestions. And topics can be discussed valuably even when the initial issue has been resolved. You could find your perfect partner, leave the site and have 6 children and people could still be reviving the thread to give opinions on this subject. In fact, we are supposed to be doing thread searches for topics of interest before starting a new thread. That's why some get deleted for redundancy--the topic has already been generated and we're expected to revive that thread and continue the discussion.
Just thought you might like to know why people are still posting and may continue long after we all move on from dating.
Nutt | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 3:19:19 PM | | You have a daughter and you have to ask. Once a child molester always one and I really don't want to hear about they where abused and born that way. cop out! Run away with your child . Put your self a few years ahead you daughter has been abused the cops are blaming you for not protecting her she could be taking away you life well now be torn apart people will look at you different. I already ready know the bleeding hearts will be on his side well forgiveness is gods job He did not abuse his sister by accident It was a decision and it should haunt him his life the victims pain sure will. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 3:32:08 PM | ok, fair enough. What you describe is disturbing on multiple levels. And,as unpopular as this advice seems to be lately, I'd say run, don't walk..and stay away from him. It's really not a matter of you forgiving him.
1) I'd have my doubts about it. I think if he assualted her as a child that's a huge warning flag. If you didn't have kids and there were no other bad signs...I'd suggest talking to his sister about it. Was it really innocent and a mistake...was he too young to grasp. I don't know..but honestly, with everything else it just doesn't matter.
2) You have a daughter? Not worth the risk, period. Doesn't matter if he's changed, blah blah blah. That is your primary objective, don't forget it.
3) He gives you crap about your weight? Then he needs to go be with a barbie doll and stfu. I hate it when men try to make themselves feel better by bringing their women down. And when women allow this. So don't , you don't deserve it.
4) Cut downs, controlling behavior, anger issues...they all escalate. Even if you didn't have a daughter to protect, run away. You don't deserve to be treated such and there are plenty of men out there who are good.
Cheers.
edit...glad you dumped him apparently..but phantom..some people (at least I) like to answer with a clean slate..of my own mind..before I go skimming through. Once in a while , I do end up editing/adding based on the other answers or more information. But yeah, no reason to beat anybody on here I think anyway. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 3:33:16 PM | Wow... just wow...
I sometimes have to deal with children that have been molested by adults and in all the cases that I have been exposed to part of me just WANTS to slap the mother upside the head soooooo many times.....
I will not sound politically correct here.... MOTHERS are sometimes ENABLERS and it really really pisses me off.
What is it that you, OP, are dating a man 10 years older than you, you are nineteen and have a young daughter. Have YOU ever been abused yourself because I cannot even fanthom that you are NOT SURE to kick his butt to the curb.
For the love of your daughter, if you love her that is, GET SOME HELP!!!
Molesters are control freaks and they are manipulators and why do you think he wants you to be skinny ... oh... let's see... have a prebubescant type of body...
I have to stop writing my thoughts, I do not want to be sent to the POF corner in banned camp...
Stupid is as stupid does I suppose.
Geez.... I still cannot believe that you cannot even put the well being of your daughter first...
Say what???
<div class='quote'> I appreciate all the feedback. and I was also told by his mom that his dad has done sexual things.. Waht kind. Im not sure of..But.
The father of your boyfriend has also molested his own children??? AND the woman who told you happens to be his wife or ex-wife, aka, the enabler?... The one who could not protect her own children?
I hope to God that you are not letting your daughter alone with your mom and her pedophile boyfriend too...
Ok... enough....
This is way too toxic. I sure hope you get some help... | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 3:42:49 PM | Are you friggen serious? Good lord child give your head a shake or get your head candled
your boyfriend is a child molesting f*ck, he's a control freak and he's a loser, and you have a daughter and you want this piece of sh1t around?
You need more than help, kick his arse to the curb and DO IT NOW, people like you piss me off, you have a daughter now HELLO.
Forgive this guy? you should chop his nuts off and feed them to the pigs, if this is the best you think you can do, yeah I suggest Therapy and real soon. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:53:20 PM | 'says he didn't do it/he had no control' YET: he's very controlling as well as without conscience. I wouldn't trust him around my daughter. He did have control-he chose not to use it, and probably has issues from childhood which are unhealed, meaning that: he will continuously play the victim card in every situation, claiming it wasn't his fault, he had no control, and blaming you and everyone else. You will continuously suffer with someone of this character. Try reading 'Why does he do that?"-it will answer lots of your questions about him. Good luck to you-Wiyan | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 7:59:18 PM |
He didnt know what he was doing and had no control over it, and doesnt think he should be blamed for it. Because hes a different person now then what he was then
Is this a joke? He was probably abused himself, and will likely abuse his children, if he has any. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:28:07 PM | Your boyfriend MOLESTED his sister and you have a daughter yourself? My first question is this, do you allow him around your child? If you do, AFTER finding out about this....you need to have your child removed from your custody. IF on the off chance you have not allow this animal around your daughter...I would NOT recommend it.
Simply put one of two ways....
1.) the a'hole degrades and controls you...and you think this is healthy for your child? How and Why?
2.) I go back to my first statement, he molested his sister in the past and you are trying to salvage something WHY?
You have extremely low, low, low self-esteem and for that I am truly very sorry. But, I call it like I see it, you have made comments about him mocking your weight, controlling you and manipulating conversations and denying what he has done in the past...HOW many red flags do you need sister????
No man can make you feel better about yourself, only you can do that and I would be DAMNED if I would even consider being with this jerk for one single second longer.
My advice, change your number and tell him to take a hike!! NO DOUBT ABOUT IT!! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:30:16 PM | Lather, rinse, and repeat...
As said in post #138:
Relax, everybody!
Stand down, check the dates, and read all the posts...
She broke up with him several months ago, not long after starting this topic.
Adding, for emphasis: That was in JANUARY. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 8:31:27 PM | I already left him..Like..3 weeks ago.
So please. Stop bashin and sayin shit. I dont need it. I did my duty as a person , and as a parent.
Not trying to bash, OP. There are some 'offenses' that are just inexcusable... for instance, I could see dating someone who had a DUI or was arrested at 18 for something stupid, who's my age (45)... hey, y'know, teenagers do stupid things (I know I did)... something they did 25 years ago might not be the person they are today.
That being said, he's 29 - so it isn't "29 years later", and pedophilia isn't a "stupid mistake", its deliberately taking advantage of someone in a way we *all* know is wrong, even at a young age. His own sister even, someone he *should* have been protective of. People like that generally have a seriously broken 'moral compass', and that usually doesn't change. Its also important to know that its usually chronic, almost all are repeat offenders if given the chance. Your child could be that "chance", I would run fast & far away from that situation - it wouldn't have even warranted asking the question here in the forums. That's what people are 'bashing' you for - that it was even a *question* - there should be no question, especially with a child - it *should* be no questions asked, over, done, finis.
Quite honestly, reversing the sexes, if I had the choice (neither being optimal) of dating a woman who at 17 *killed* someone threatening her younger brother (defending him), vs. dating a woman who at 17 was molesting her younger brother (taking advantage of him)... if those were my only choices, the first would be my choice. The first might have been overreaction, but somewhat 'noble' in intent, the latter would be inexcusable. | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 11:02:40 PM | Through this fish back, girl! Even though he did it 29 years ago look at how he handled it when you brought it up. He hasn't owned up to it and so I doubt he has taken the steps needed to help him not do it again. Also, how do you know that he hasn't done it to anyone since hi sister.
Rape/molestation is about control. This gut controls to the point that...it's just really unhealthy. This guy tells you how to feel? I'm having trouble understanding why you're still with him.
Also, why do you want someone that treats you like that in your life, in your daughter's life? She's watch you two interact. You can't let her think this is normal! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 11:11:09 PM | His mother was warning you away from him because you have a daughter, take the warning and run. He is already trying to control you, get out of this relationship now!
Think of your child and how you would feel if he sexually abused her and put her need to grow up safely as a child and not a statistic of sexual abuse. Your child is worth more than any relationship (especially one you have already stated you are unhappy in) good God woman I am shocked you would need to even ask anyone's opinion you already know what you should do.
Be a mother not a bimbo so desperate to hold onto a man that she would risk the safety of her baby. GOD! | |
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| Boyfriend did something bad in his past..29 years later..forgive?
Posted: 8/12/2009 11:21:41 PM | | Phew I am so glad to read you've ended that relationship, be strong and stick to your guns. You did the right thing, most of us posted on your first comment so we didn't get to read the final result until after our posts were made, I apologize for sounding harsh if I did but I have seen first hand the results of sexual predators and our children just deserve so much better. | |
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