| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:24:44 PM |
Call me old fashioned but I sure wouldn't do it.
It's amazing how fast a womans feeling's and love die when there is little money to fuel it.
your all a bunch of gold diggers. | |
|
| |
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:25:32 PM |
ha I think im the only one that noticed hydro?
he doesnt have a job yet still smokes?
Asteliapuff, the OP is in Kelowna...so the hydro she means is BC Hydro (hydro-electricity....aka power), not smoking.
OP, it's a tough situation you're in, because since you live together obviously you will keep finding a way to stretch your own paycheque to cover the bills, so that you don't get evicted. And this man knows this damned well. Methinks you might have to put your foot down with this man, don't let him away with the hemming and hawing over answering your questions, and perhaps set a definite date for when you expect him to find *some* sort of job to help contribute to the monthly expenses. Otherwise he'll just continue to ride the gravy train as long as he can. Good luck! 
ETA:
when you are in love everything goes out the windows.
Yes, but when one partner is continually footing the bill for everything for no real reason on their S/O's behalf, resentment often tends to come in through those same windows. This is obviously bothering the OP, and it's good that she's discussing it with this man, IMO. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:32:41 PM | In the current economy, I've gotta question anyone with a "business degree" who "quits his job to pursue his career" - personally doesn't say much for what he learned getting that "business degree" to quit your paying job in a down economy when layoff's are being announced on a daily basis.
And then, "avoiding" questions about when he'll have a job, or getting a "side job" to help pay bills... sorry, thats not "optional" - he needs to grow up and pay his own way, even if it means flipping burgers at McD's until his "career" happens.
"Keep you day job, until the night job pays". | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:32:42 PM | Well you're right, we are in the worst financial crisis/recession in a long, long time. And it ain't getting better anytime soon. If your boyfriend is looking for the "right" job in his field, he could be waiting for a long time. Sure, he could get lucky. The probability now is that he won't. There are so many people in the business world that have lost their jobs of late, people with resumes in all likelihood a lot more impressive than your boyfriends. We're kind of in the age of the "Road Warrior" now. He might better served to take what he can get, at least for the time being.
I think you would be better served, too. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:33:38 PM | your all a bunch of gold diggers.
The proper contraction is you're; as in 'you are'. The word your is used to denote ownership.
Actually, the precious metals market is dropping fast, but I am not quite ready to invest just yet.
Gold should be purchased to preserve wealth, not create it.  | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:48:04 PM |
Grey, did you not read the part in her post that said he finished his class? It was his decision to quit his job to "pursue his career." If he didn't have enough money to support this, then he had no business quitting work. Obviously, he did not plan things very well. He should have taken evening or on-line classes while he was still working.
Did you also see where she is paying HIS RENT and HERS, not to mention all of HIS other bills besides her own.
Well, I have to assume he only did it because he talked to her about it, and she agreed to support him while he went through the transition. I don't see him coming home and saying "Honey, I quit my job today!! Give me your paycheck, I need to pay my rent."
I can only assume that she was willing to help pay the bills 4.5 months ago, so the fact that he hasn't been working during this time is a moot point to me. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:52:46 PM | 1) He's unemployed.
2) His initial plan didn't work out.
3) You're paying all the expenses.
4) He has a new plan.
5) He is unresponsive to your prodding and hints.
6) He has very little motivation to change the current situation: he's not working, you're paying the expenses, you still love him, there's no end in sight.
Possible actions
1) Continue supporting him and hope for the best.
2) Throw him out right now.
3) Call a meeting. He has until "XXXX" to pay half of his expenses (1/2, NOT 1/3) or he will have to leave. Do not discuss this anymore. If he does not perform, you have to throw him out or spend forever supporting him because he won't believe you next time. The amount of energy this will require is the number of days you've supported him, squared, times the total utility bills. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 4:10:44 PM | OP... you should begin as you mean to go on... It's a lot harder to change the rules in the middle of the game... By this, I mean that you need to be setting down some agreements like yesterday... and then, both people need to honour them.
Kelowna is a tough... no.. almost impossible.. market to find work in and if a person isn't looking, it IS impossible. Most of the available jobs go to those who are both educated and experienced in any given area and even then, the pay is the chitz! If he isn't out there throwing resumes in every available door and trying to chat up the management whenever he gets a chance, then, he's not looking for work. He should be out the door by 8:30 every morning and busy all day just like he would be if he was going to work. If he doesn't, his chances of finding a job (never mind a viable job) are almost nil in that area. Everybody wants to live in the Okanagan and there are 300 people lined up for even the minimum wage positions. Chances are pretty good, he knows that so what's he waiting for?
You're only 21 years old and it seems you have more than enough to be responsible for with your student loans and living expenses. The sad reality is that there are way too many people being only too happy to sit at home while their partner works their butt off.
I'd be telling him that not only is he wracking up the debt of his living expenses that he's not paying now but he's also got about one month to get out there and find something that allows him to pick up his half. If he doesn't want to make that agreement with you, you can be quite sure he's just using you... Decent people don't let other people suffer for their decisions or insist that someone else go down the tubes while they "rest up"...
Arcturo... There is no difference between a boy golddigger and a girl golddigger! Put the label where it properly belongs here!!! It isn't "love" for him to be letting this young woman carry HIS share of the load so why should she pretend it is??? | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 4:45:02 PM | It's amazing how fast a womans feeling's and love die when there is little money to fuel it.
your all a bunch of gold diggers.(quote)
==========================================================
It will twice as amazing how quickly Mister Moocher ups and leaves as soon as his mooching is no longer tolerated.The gold digger aka user here is the b/f, who is not responsible for his own life or bills.
He has gotten an education and is now relaxing at this girls expense.Instead of shouldering his own load, he put it on her back.She foolishly carried it, but now is trying to throw it off.Op give this guy his cards to leave, unless he has work in 2 weeks.Pay his rent etc no longer, make him step up to the plate or take a hike.This guy is a user and a wimp, who lives off a woman. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 4:47:46 PM | | Deplete the supply of groceries in the house. Keep a supply of granola bars, almonds, noodle soups and fruit at your office, have a modest lunch each day. Eat dinner before you get home. Tell the BF there is no money for groceries as all your money has gone to heat, hydro and rent. If he doesnt get the hint and get off his a$$ and get a job, chuck him out. If he comes through, lighten up a bit. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 4:52:50 PM | arcturo-there is nothing unreasonable about expecting the other half to pay their own way. You wouldn't let a room mate get away with not paying his share of the bills and it should not be different in a relationship unless those roles are determined before hand. She isnt expecting him to pay for her stuff, only his share, there is nothing gold-digging about that.
In this day and age, with no children or marriage involved a woman cannot get away with sitting on her butt at home and the economy as it is doesnt allow for it anyways, so why should this gentleman be able to ride the gravy boat? I think this lady may have been on the understanding that he quit his job to gain a better future for both of them, but that there are now concerns because it is now becoming a burden and there appears to be some indicators that there is not an end in sight anytime soon. This would be a concern for anybody, male or female and she needs to make a decision fast before it breaks her.
I am all for supporting each other in a relationship when changes occur but what happens if this gentleman takes her for a long and hard ride and then decides he has outgrown her with the aquisition of his new career? There are many things to look at here. On one hand l say it hasn't been that long since completing his course so give him time to get grounded and find his way, on the other hand it should not be at the expense of her entirely. I lived with a man for almost ten years who was always "furthuring" himself and never satifsfied with where he was. He constantly was quitting his job because it wasnt good enough and l wasted many years of my life supporting someone who nine times out of ten did not support his family at all. Shame on me for staying that long and l do not think l am a gold digger for wanting someone to support himself. In this day and age we are past the times of one person staying home while the other brings home the bacon, its just not feasable | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 5:07:37 PM | question.... how does one get to be a sales manager.... without the ability to smell out the bs. or have the knowledge of how to push someone to preform to the top of their game...
you spent a year with this person.... more than enough time to know if they will get off their *ss... or time to cut your loses and move on. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 6:15:55 PM | What is it with people who just assume they can QUIT their jobs and go back to school, and their S.O.s will pick up everything financially? And then, once school is finished, not get a job right away to help out with the bills?
Honey, I went to school FULLTIME (not just one freakin' class), worked 30 hours a week at a restaurant, and was raising a 4-7 year old son on my own during the time I was in college to get my degree. These guys who have no responsibilities and don't get off their ass and take care of their bills just make me sick.
Give him a timeline when he has to get a job... any job... and if he doesn't have a job by then, kick his ass out. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 6:29:03 PM | Hey Happy,
Ummm, it's hard for me to say.... but it sounds like you luv the guy. Still he sounds like a selfish prick. Does he have a realistic plan for the future? Has he discussed it ? I dont like the take and no give system... perhaps you should prepare a skill test to see what kind of guy he really is...
C  | |
|
| |
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 6:41:29 PM | Arcturo I agree with you.
It's amazing how fast a womans feeling's and love die when there is little money to fuel it. I don't really think a lot of people know what love is. They are confusing it with money. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 7:01:03 PM | "What is it with people who just assume they can QUIT their jobs and go back to school, and their S.O.s will pick up everything financially? And then, once school is finished, not get a job right away to help out with the bills?
Honey, I went to school FULLTIME (not just one freakin' class), worked 30 hours a week at a restaurant, and was raising a 4-7 year old son on my own during the time I was in college to get my degree. These guys who have no responsibilities and don't get off their ass and take care of their bills just make me sick."
My brother went back to school to get a professional degree. My (now) sister-in-law supported him and paid all his bills.
He is now a dentist and she doesn't work (because she doesn't want to).
I think the situations always differ and I know many people who supported a loved one if it would result in a better life together.
I don't know the real situation with the OP. However, if he is doing this to improve your lives together, then I say some hardship will be worth it in the end. If he is being selfish or unrealistic, then it is worth reconsidering your relationship. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 7:12:54 PM | Happy and taken, indeed.
when you are in love, everything goes out the windows.
That happens a lot during the breakup, too. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 7:13:59 PM | Sorry to say but he is liking the non working thing and you taking care of him.
If you don't put an end to it now you will resent it in the very near future. He has no excuss for not getting any kind of job to help pay the bills. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:05:53 PM | While there are many people who are unemplpyed and looking, the situation you describe sounds like a person who only wants a perfect job. I currently work a job I abhor, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
So I would either cut some costs or cut the boyfriend loose. Either way you can do bad by yourself. If he is mooching off of you and doesn't seem serious about taking any job that is available, you should not put up with it. It's one thing to keep looking for a better job once you have one, but he doesn't even have a crappy job right now.
And why buy a lot of gifts and even have cable if the money is tight? But that's another thread... | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:55:34 PM | You're clearly very supportive and loving but are feeling under pressure and perhaps, more to the point, underappreciated.
Let's assume first that you have good judgement and the chap you love is a good guy. He probably feels absolutely crap about being dependent on you and realises he's putting a strain on you but it's the 'elephant in the room' now as neither of you want to mention it and put more pressure onto each other or confront the situation when they feel very uncertain about how that confrontation would go. Try to imagine yourself in his shoes. It's a really hard time for anyone job-hunting and he's probably feeling pretty low in confidence and he's grateful to you for your support because obviously he couldn't have done it without you but it will all be for nothing if he ends up being a bartender. If he talks with you about his fears, he's probably afraid he'll seem like less of a man to you. If he says nothing maybe he'll land a decent job soon and be able to pay you back and deserve your love and respect again. I wouldn't underestimate how much being dependent may be shaking his self-image.
Forget the gym thing for a bit. You can exercise at home: run on the spot, go up and down the stairs, learn exercises you can do without weights or with bottles of water as hand weights. You've put yourself in the position where you're giving more than you feel comfortable giving and I think you need to take responsibility for that -- it's not his fault that you offered to pay his living expenses, is it? Never give, offer to give or even loan more than you think will be comfortable to part with. It has put so much strain on your relationship with him that you're considering breaking up with him and that's terrible.
I think you need to try to change the dynamic. His financial/material dependence on you is unbalancing your relationship and making all the things you previously appreciated him for pale into insignificance. I think you've stopped treating him like an intelligent equal due to his financial dependence upon you and you're regarding him as someone who needs carrying in all respects, which is probably a reflection of how he feels too. Try to create some opportunities for him to be the one giving and see what he does with them. Take some time to think what it is about him, emotionally, that you most appreciate and express your appreciation. Try to restore the balance so you feel that you are with someone who is emotionally and intellectually your equal and a true partner who you can turn to, rather than someone less than you who you have to take care of. The responsibility for the dynamic is yours as well as his.
If you agreed to support him, you don't get to point a finger at him and say "mooch" now. Give it another month or two: express your own money worries openly to him and tell him you understand how awkward he must feel about being financially dependent... Give him opportunities to be supportive in other ways that are clear cut and viable for him (e.g. housework, cooking, fixing stuff), show your appreciation and see how he responds.
If you feel that my assumption on him being good could be wrong, chances are you didn't take long enough getting to know him. If you do know him well enough now to be confident that he does not care about being dependent on you, then you already know he's not the man for you. Break up with him and look at your own behaviour in the relationship -- how did you land up in the situation where you were giving more than you felt comfortable to give? | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 11:03:40 PM | Rune's post is best, BY FAR!!!!
Some thoughts and observations from me. This is one of the worst economic situations in 100 years. It may be that in this climate he may have to take a make do job to pay some bills. The big thing in any relationship is trust, honesty and communication. I'll take the last 2 first. You both must communicate honestly. Don't threaten or degrade him, speak from your heart in a loving manner about your fears and concerns. Remember men all expect to work every day of their lives, or a reasonable facsimile. Most men carry intense shame when out of work. Get him to open up to you about his feelings on the subject as well. I am assuming here you know him well enough to know he is worthy of your trust and will be honest with you.
One side note to others. Many have posted about kicking him to the curb. He's a bum and worse, etc. etc. etc. None of you know him or anything about him. As others have mentioned "when the money is gone, the love soon follows" especially with women. I believe this is true. In the case of non working spouses 90% or greater are women. I'm sure the case is the same for non working significant others in non married situations. Now why is that? It's ok in this day of equal opportunity for a woman to not work in whatever relationship exists, but not a man. HYPOCRITES!!!!!!!!!!! | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 11:34:52 PM | I'M LOST! I had to go back and reread it, and still need a map and stop for directions.
You live WITH the boyfriend, which would mean? Living in the same place he is? Then why are you paying his and your rent, which would mean you are living in separate places.
I'm not defending him not looking for a job.
I'm still trying to figure out the story. | |
|
| Bf unemployed for 4.5 months...
Posted: 1/17/2009 11:44:42 PM | Well now.... That's what happens when you play house!
This is what you call "hard times" in a relationship. Knuckle down or jump ship!
This isn't just a way for his character to be judged. Yours is on the block too! | |
|
Home
login 
