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| The Wisdom of Women!
Posted: 2/20/2009 7:07:37 AM | .....................................................................................................................................
The Wisdom of Women!
1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my shorts.
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .... Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day! | |
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| The Wisdom of Women!
Posted: 2/21/2009 3:05:07 PM | Crime Fighter Alert!
BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME...
A newfie was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the
scene found the newfie face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled
with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his ass.
Police suspect a cereal killer. | |
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| The Wisdom of Women!
Posted: 2/21/2009 7:01:53 PM | ....................................................................................................................................
Wal-Mart Greeter
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't!
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just
couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good
day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!' | |
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| Berts Boots
Posted: 2/21/2009 7:05:15 PM | ........................................................................................................................................
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.' | |
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| Berts Boots
Posted: 2/23/2009 12:51:24 PM | I just Love some of the emails I get!!! :) ... as received minus the pic...
If you don't laugh at this one, your dead!
Ethel
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing
home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into
her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
(NOW I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, THAT'S FUNNY!)
exactly as I received it less the pic.  | |
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| Getting Even
Posted: 2/25/2009 12:30:55 PM | Getting Even
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pvssycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, ‘OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my Husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, ‘Your wife's Pvssy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even! | |
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| Five Surgeons
Posted: 3/5/2009 8:50:21 AM | 5 Surgeons
Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
*The first surgeon says:*
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
*The second responds: *
"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color
coded."
*The third surgeon says:*
"No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."
*The fourth surgeon chimes in:*
"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when
you have a few parts left over."
*But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:*
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no
guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass
are interchangeable." | |
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| TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
Posted: 3/6/2009 9:08:35 AM | TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on 'Road to Avonlea.'
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night. | |
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| TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
Posted: 3/7/2009 9:08:07 AM |
You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
hahahahaha ..
Not long after that post, darkness fell on PEI. 20% of the population(having read the above) - ran out and started flicking their porch lights off and on.
I am (therefore) holding Thatguy personally responsible for the mass power outage of last evening .. there went my Friday nite! lol | |
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| Joyce's Enemies
Posted: 3/13/2009 12:07:34 PM | Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the biotches.' | |
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| The Cat ...
Posted: 3/17/2009 12:03:07 PM | A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.' God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?' The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!' | |
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| The Cat ...
Posted: 4/6/2009 1:05:56 PM | 'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length
and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling,
then fell to the floor laughing.
A few minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse
and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room. | |
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| healthcare
Posted: 4/7/2009 4:53:26 AM | A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?' The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained: 'I'm very
sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't
do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his
testicles could easily rupture.' 'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's
okay,' said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying
in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman
screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan' | |
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| healthcare
Posted: 4/7/2009 7:29:03 PM | A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus
is watching you.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and
continued..
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to
warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would
name a
bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus' | |
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| Terror on horseback ..
Posted: 4/14/2009 1:40:48 AM | A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
V
V
V
V
V
V
Mark, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse from the outlet.
And you thought all they did was say hello! | |
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| GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Posted: 4/17/2009 8:10:54 AM | Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother.
He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one.'
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| Not The Way To Get Out Of A Ticket
Posted: 4/19/2009 2:16:44 PM | Here's hoping the good folks in PEI don't mind a stranger sharing some laughs. Was drawn to this thread via one of you (Ya, I was reading through your Forum History) and had some great laughs. Thank you all for the humour. 
NOT THE WAY TO GET OUT OF A TICKET
This guy was flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge.
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is standing at the other end of the bridge and pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the guys car and askes, "What's the hurry?"
The guy says, "I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop asks, "What's a rectum stretcher?"
The guy says, "Yeah, I start with a finger, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
The cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot ***hole?"
Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge.........!"  | |
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| BELIEVE IT OR NOT
Posted: 4/19/2009 2:34:16 PM | A woman about seven months pregnant got on a bus, sat down, then noticed a man smiling at her. Feeling humiliated, she got up and moved. She then noticed him grinning at her. Feeling highly embarrassed, she moved again, but this time he laughed at her. She went up to the driver and told him and had him arrested.
The case came up in court and the judge asked the man if he had anything to say for himself.
He replied: "I noticed her condition which in itself did not amuse me, but when she sat down under a sign which read, "Gold Rish Twins are coming," I had to smile.
"When she moved and sat under the sign "Sloans Liniment will reduce the swelling," I had to grin."
"She then moved again and sat under a sign which read, "William's Stick did the Trick", I thought I would die laughing."
"But, when she moved and sat under the sign which read, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this", I lost complete control of myself."
CASE DISMISSED | |
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| DEFINITIONS OF POLITICS
Posted: 4/19/2009 2:58:08 PM | SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Sure son, what's the question?"
SON: "What is politics?"
DAD: "Well,let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me the MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her the GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call the maid the WORKING CLASS, and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?"
SON: "I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it."
That night, the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying. The boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parents room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
THE NEXT MORNING......
SON: "Dad, now I think I understand politics."
DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."
SON: "Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of shit."
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| THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO DETROIT
Posted: 4/19/2009 3:23:45 PM | !!!!!! Must be Read with Italian Accent !!!!!!
One day Ima gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. Inna morning, I go down to eat breakfast.
I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to toilet. I say you no unnerstand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma ****. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma ****.
Later, I go out to eat at the biga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock, she tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no unnerstand, I wanna fock onna table. She say you better no fock onna table, you sonna ma ****.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me go to toilet. I say you no unnerstand, I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma ****.
I go check out and the man at the door say "Peace On You."
I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma ****. I goona back to Italy."
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| THE UNION
Posted: 4/19/2009 3:47:44 PM | Four union workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was a "UNITED AUTO WORKERS" member who said his dog could do math calculation. His dog was named "T-Square" and he told him to go to the blackboard and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did no sweat.
The "UNITED STEEL WORKERS" member said that he thought his dog was better. His dog, named "Slide-Rule", was told to fetch a dozen cookies and then bring them back and divide them into four piles of three, which Slide-Rule did with no problem.
The "OIL CHEMICAL and ATOMIC WORKERS" said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog, named "Measure", was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.
All three agreed this was very good and all the dogs were smart. They then all turned to the "TEAMSTERS" member and asked, "What can your dog do?"
The "TEAMSTERS" member called his dog who was named "Coffee-Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do!"
Coffee-Break went over, ate the cookies, drank the milk, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he hurt his back, filed for Workman's Compensation and left for home on sick leave. | |
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| WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
Posted: 4/19/2009 4:10:46 PM | Sorry Ladies, but I read all yours........
1) You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2) You don't have to Wine and Dine beer.
3) Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play hockey.
4) When your beer goes flat you toss it.
5) Beer is never late.
6) Hangovers go away.
7) A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8) Beer lables come off without a fight.
9) When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.
10) Beer never has a headache.
11) A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
12) If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
13) You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
14) A beer always go down easy.
15) You can share a beer with your friends.
16) You always know you're the first one to "Pop" a beer.
17) A beer is always wet.
18) Beer doesn't demand equality.
19) You can have a beer in public.
20) A beer doesn't care when you come.
21) A frigid beer is a good beer.
And ..............
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good......... | |
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| FBI job
Posted: 4/23/2009 5:10:28 AM | The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them | |
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| hehehe
Posted: 4/27/2009 1:04:27 PM | A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You
know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When
I got fired, you were there to support me. When my
business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'
'What dear? ' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I think you're bad luck... Get the **** away from me. | |
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| hehehe
Posted: 5/25/2009 5:36:17 PM | Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
'It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.'
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
'Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.'
'When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.'
He continued, 'Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.'
'Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.'
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