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Posted: 7/16/2009 9:33:36 PM | | A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" | |
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Posted: 8/27/2009 1:50:50 PM | Dear Tide...
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people...
A 'Satisfied Consumer'  | |
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Posted: 8/28/2009 5:06:34 AM | A wife arrived home one day with a duck under her arm. She took the duck to the kitchen where she found her husband. Looking at him, she said;"This is the pig I've been f#@!ing'" To which the husband replied;"Stupid cow, that's not a pig, it's a duck!" She glared at him as she said;"I wasn't talking to you!" | |
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Posted: 8/31/2009 1:14:12 AM | A Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".
The Blonde says "No, its toothpaste this time you nosey beetch"
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Posted: 9/15/2009 4:38:15 PM | A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the
long line of judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed
to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven.
Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into
the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan
would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
Watching Satan do this several times, the
fellow's curiosity got the best of him.
So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment, but I
couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead
of flinging
them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Ah, those," Satan said with a groan.
"They're all from New Brunswick
They're still too wet to burn." | |
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Posted: 9/18/2009 8:37:17 AM | Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck
- Of course, stupid me asked, is it automatic or standard? | |
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Posted: 10/12/2009 8:46:24 PM | An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? "
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
" Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No... not if I'm gonna to have to explain it five times." | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 2:09:17 PM | A Bear, A Lion and a Pig ..............
A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."
Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh!ts itself."
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Posted: 11/12/2009 3:21:02 AM | Q - What's the difference between a hard working politician and Bigfoot?
A - Bigfoot's been spotted. | |
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Posted: 11/17/2009 5:28:01 AM | A baptist minister and a catholic priest went hunting ducks one day.
They were sitting in their duck blind, when suddenly a pair of ducks flew by.
The priest stood up and shot a duck. The minister fired. Bang, bang, bang!
The duck kept flying without so much as a tail feather missing.
****! exclaimed the minister.
The priest frowned his displeasure at the minister, but held his tongue.
After a while, another pair of ducks flew by. Same thing.
The priest downed his duck, the minister emptied his shotgun and the duck kept flying.
****! I missed again!" he fumed.
The priest frowned at the younger clergyman and said, "Young man!" The next time you say that, the heavens will part and a bolt of lightning shall smite you dead!"
The minister shrugged this off and sat back down.
After a while, two more ducks flew by.
The priest shot his with no effort, but the same thing for the minister.
Three shots to no effect. The duck kept flying.
Positively enraged, the minister exclaimed, "****!, I Missed again!"
Just then, the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning struck the priest right between the eyes, killing him instantly and a loud, booming voice exclaimed, "****, I missed!" | |
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Posted: 11/17/2009 7:42:56 PM | WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world. | |
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