|
|
|
|
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 8:51:22 PM | And the research backs up your observations - women DO initiate divorces more often than men.
I've also come across some research that says length of marriage is correlated with low IQ for women - meaning, the longer a woman is married, the lower her IQ ***on average*** (I don't want to hear anecdotes about oh, but my aunt has a PhD and has been married for 50 years!!! I'm talking ON AVERAGE). The smart ones get out, or don't get married in the first place. The women with options get out if they're unhappy. The women with no or fewer options are much more likely to stay in a bad marriage. | |
|
| |
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:06:39 PM | Here in BC if the payor does not pay court ordered support , the payee can file a claim with the FMEP, which then can take the money from a variety of sources including income tax refunds, employer payments, etc. If the payor does not pay, then the next step is for the FMEP to apply to court to take away the drivers license of the payor..the last step is an order from the court to incarcerate the payor.
Unfortunately, if the payor has no drivers license, in many cases, the payor cannot work, and therefore cannot earn an income to pay support.
Most men in my experience pay voluntary support, agree out of court, unless the payee disagrees with the amount of support, then a court hearing usually results, and a judge decides what is the amount.
In long term marriages the usual scenario is that there are lots of assets, the chidren are independent, and both spouses work. Much more problematic and injurious are short marriages with very young children. I should know.... | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:09:00 PM | | Hmmmm....well mine was more of a dissolution than a divorce.. we both wanted out and we both agreed on everything right down to the last frying pan. However I was the one to file simply because I couldn't stand all the emotional head games he was playing and it was driving me insane. Literally! So... I got tired of waiting for him to do something about it and took it upon myself to file. The quicker it was over, the better and the sooner I could move on w/ my life. I guess I just got tired of being his emotional punching bag. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:13:41 PM | Why do women file for the divorces when it is usually the woman who is keen to get married in the first place?
I divorced after 20 years of marriage. I am sad about having to do it but it was the right thing to do. I couldn't take the abuse and drinking anymore.
He had let the house go into foreclosure and we had nothing so there was nothing to split up. I left with my personal belongings and moved into an apartment.
I filed the divorce myself and represented myself. The judge complemented me on the work I had done.
I paid child support to him for 5 years until the kid turned 18.
He was not a smart man when it came to finances and I would never put myself in a situation like that again. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:19:52 PM | 'The worst outcome is when the court orders lump sum support, and that does happen, and may result in permanent bankruptcy for the payor, as several decisions here have demonstrated.
The best outcome is too work with the payor to become self-sufficient, and become responsible, not force him/her into not paying anything.
One of my tenants is a father of two kids, and must pay each month about 20% of his gross wage...he cannot afford to pay the rent, and has only $1,200 take home pay each month...his rent is $600 per month. Out of that he has only $300 left to live on. He is a union worker,a and told me that the union dues and deductions take too much off his pay check, for him to afford rent, and now he is moving to a basement suite. I have one child to support and I pay more than he does, plus I care for my child from Monday to Friday, so that his mom can earn $21 per hour, union, with the government. I cannot even get a full time job because I have to take our child to school at 8:30 am, and bring him home with me at 3:00 pm. His mom is the one that should be paying support to me... because her wage is double that of mine, even though she has no responsibilities and cost 21 days per month.
The only reason I can continue like this is that I have rental income, after expenses, of about $1500 per month, and do odd jobs for friends and neighbours. But this has to change soon, because i am spending too much time commuting between distance locations. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:24:26 PM | In my case I stayed married until the youngest daughter was graduated then I gave 2 weeks notice that I was moving out and filed for divorce. He paid me out of the house so he retained the house and I would also say 70% of the belongings and furnishings too. I was just so happy to be on my own away from the abuse at long last. He was a typical 1950's husband in that the wife did all the housework, looked after the children, also went to work, decorated, gardened and all he did was go to work and come home and play in his workshop and garage. In the 26 yrs I was married I can count on one hand how many times he cooked a meal. He only ever changed 1 diaper
and as for going out to eat - "why did he give me housekeeping if not to cook meals with"? Yeah a real prize.
My standard of living plummeted after the divorce and it took me a good 4 years before I was able to afford a holiday - had to have that one as it was my eldest daughter's wedding in Las Vegas!! Her hubby and her paid all the wedding costs - I just paid for my flight and hotel and shopping expenses- dress shoes etc.
So I did not come out ahead financially.
Sally. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:28:29 PM | In my case....I got tired of him threatening to leave me(the entire 11 3/4 years that we were married)everytime I did not do what he expected me to do, think how he wanted me to think and/or become what he wanted me to become. When the expecations are constantly changing regarding who you want your partner to be in order to make you happy....then someone needs to have the balls to make the decision to end it. Well, in my case that was me....hmmm...since I had the balls to end it...does that make me the man? hmmmmm.
I don't think that I was calculating or that I deserved anything or that I thought the grass was greener on the other side. I was tired of never being able to live up to what he wanted me to become just to gain his respect. I lost who I was in the end and was a Byatch! Well, I'm still a byatch...just a kinder and gentler one..... . My friends all say I am much happier too. That is why this woman filed....I was damn tired! | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:43:22 PM | Not the case with me nor the people I know who are also divorced. In every case it was initiated by the man.
And in literally every case that I know personally, it was because the man was replacing the wife with another woman; whether from in town or out of the country that he was going to try and move in.
Just because this is what I am surrounded with doesn't mean I think every man cheats nor that it is only men that demand the divorce; it just so happened to work out that way with the people I know. Every situation is different. Any more than women take marriage more lightly than men because that is what the op sees
Everyone is different; every reason is different; but I honestly don't think women do make that final move more frequently than men...
But here is food for thought. There was a stat from a poll last year taken on men in relationships. In this poll, 70% of men who said they were in a committed relationship were actively looking for a replacement, while still in the relationship. I am sure that if women were polled, it would have been a similar number. That to me was sad. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 9:50:32 PM | | I filed first. It meant living in poverty for me because at the time I didn't have a college education. I made $5.50 an hour and had no benefits. I got the house and the house payment. To make ends meet I worked 60 hours a week and had a room mate. I did what I had to, to support my daughters who were toddlers at the time because it was better than the screaming and yelling that was going on everyday. I did everything I could do to avoid a divorce including counseling. One person can not make a marriage work. I was not going to raise my children in the same environment I was raised in. We went through alot and made alot of sacrafices. If I had to do it all over again I would. I walked away guilt free. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:06:01 PM | | because a woman can't put up with a mans crap as much as a man will put up with a womans crap to get laid.. so he thinks well if i am losing my sex then let the b. pay for it | |
|
u
|
Joined: 5/24/2006
Msg: 37 | |
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:14:13 PM | whats mine is mine and what yours is mine and don't you forget it
woman 1986-1993 | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:22:11 PM | Ok, Divorce is ugly, although the late ex's family still considers me as one of their own.
I did not want to file, but he was a hard core alcoholic. I have endured every name in the book, unlawful restraint, and in some cases, he hit me. He was revoked, insisted on taking the car, having no regard for other motorists(he was a VERY aggressive driver). On top of that, we lived with his mother. Married people really need space to raise their children. Nothing I ever did was good enough for my son Zach in her eyes. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:24:57 PM | | Oh, he did want to re-marry after a year but I did not want to go through that again. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:33:39 PM | There are a couple of practical reasons as to why te women are generally the ones to file for divorce. The first is that she often has the children with her and if the split is acrimonious, some fathers will decide that as soon as either one of them walks away, he's going to withhold any financial contributions for the child. Sometimes, it may be the case that he thinks he can "force" his wife to return to the marriage if he sends her into financial hardship. Other times, he will use finances to punish his soon-to-be ex-wife because he's angry. Regardless of his reasoning, much of the time, wives are forced to visit the Legal Aid office (if they're not working or not earning enough to keep food on the table) and they will be told that it's better to address the whole situation in one proceeding rather than to make a bunch of separate applications. It wouldn't make much sense to have to do separate applications for the many matters that get dealt with in a divorce action.
Another popular reason women initiate actions is to be able to get freeze orders that will stop the sale or inappropriate disposition of matrimonial assets.
Yet another popular reason why women will initiate divorce is to begin to iron out the practical matters that involve both parents having maximum contact with the children. With shared custody now being granted as much as possible, this has become easier but in previous years where a sole custody order gave one parent primary say over the matters affecting the children, this caused a lot of trouble with access arrangements. Pi$$ed off mothers were depriving fathers of their right to see their children (particularly if another woman was involved in the split). Irresponsible fathers were refusing to honour visitation arrangements and little kids were sitting on their suitcases "waitin' for Dad" for hours at a time.
Years ago, some couples practically lived at the courthouse with one application after another.
I also agree that a lot of women are now able to end unsatisfactory marriages because they have the ability to be financially independent and no longer have to stay where they are not happy.
Prior to the changes in the Divorce Act in 1985, there were grounds called "constructive desertion" where one spouse would set out that the other spouse was physically in the marriage but had "constructively deserted" the marriage by becoming unfaithful, abusive or addicted to substances. Now, with no-fault divorces, it's impossible to tell who actually ended the marriage. And really, who cares? | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:34:10 PM | | Frankly, my ex-husband had found someone new and asked me for the divorce. My State has a "no fault" divorce law so there was no point in fighting him and I didn't see any reason to drag it out -- so I contacted the lawyer and filed the papers. We pretty much agreed to the property settlement before I went to the lawyer and it was also the cheapest way to go. In my case -- it was strictly a matter of the most expedient way to get my life back. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/20/2009 10:36:36 PM | | Frankly, my ex-husband had found someone new and asked me for the divorce. My State has a "no fault" divorce law so there was no point in fighting him and I didn't see any reason to drag it out -- so I contacted the lawyer and filed the papers. We pretty much agreed to the property settlement before I went to the lawyer and it was also the cheapest way to go. In my case -- it was strictly a matter of the most expedient way to get my life back. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/21/2009 1:53:25 AM | Well now you've opened a can of worms... A divorcee or divorcor???? In legal mumbo jumbo if this were the case, the male being the divorcor would be the one doing the divorcing, and the woman as the divorcee, etc...
I would tend to agree that most women file first, not that it matters who does first. Once the relationship is over, there are no winners, everyone loses, especially young children if they're involved. Adultery was the reason my marriage failed. I don't hold that against her though, I strongly believe that when one or both partners get involved with someone else outside the marriage, it changes & broadens the marriage to include becoming an open relationship (swingers). I like to refer to it as the "Rules of Engagement" without the negative connotations. My ex-wife hated it when I mentioned "open relationships" and "swinging lifestyles." She preferred a "closed relationship," however it didn't stop her from being promiscuous. As I reflect back on her upbringing, I can certainly understand why she did the things she did & I don't slight her for it. Basically it boils down to understanding the differences between the needs of men & women. Relationships fall apart for any number of reasons & that is not the debate here...
So rather than looking back at who was the victim, the abuser, the winner or the loser, it is more beneficial to just love the person, enjoy the memories, have no regrets & move on. Material things can all be replaced, mud-slinging doesn't do anyone any good, it hurts the children & everyone involved, including the families. As I reflect on my ex-wife, she was a wonderful person on many levels, she was a great cook, a social butterfly, someone who was compassionate & aggressive when the occassion(s) needed it, and I suppose this is why we choose the people that we do, they compliment the qualities that we admire, we lack or envy. In moving on, we must develop and maintain the higher capacity to forgive. For he who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. You cannot be loving someone if you are continually judging them. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our partners and/or anyone else. We must come to realize that there are two benefits in relationship failures. First, if you do fail, you learn what doesn't work; and second, the failure gives you the opportunity to try a new approach. I'm sure this applies to failures of all sorts as well.
I now have a new outlook on life, I pretend every single person I meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, "Make Me Feel Important." This positive attitude helps me succeed in life in my own way. No longer do I say "If Only..." For these must be the two saddest words in the world. To be a success at anything, we must be always looking for opportunities to help others. Unsuccessful people (whether they are divorcees or divorcors) are always asking, "What's in it for me?" Life can be as complicated or as simple as you make it, in short, "Be true to your work, your word and to your friends." It is your friends who make your world wherever you are...
Some say that everything happens to you for a reason. The hard times that you go through build character, making you a much stronger person. That the difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter. Well I'm not sure about this... Sexual abuse, and abuses of every sort including the aftermath of behaviours in addictions of every sort, aren't necessary to build character, just as when someone tells us that boiling water is hot, we don't have to stick our hands in just to make sure, it is because someone is passing on their wisdom. Life is about choices, we can choose to be positive in a negative world. Our outlook and attitude is what builds character, as well as being a positive role model to those around us...
**~Remington55~** 
 | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/21/2009 5:05:11 AM | As surprising as it might seem, not all women divorce their husbands with the intent of finding another man. Some of us leave simply because staying is a worse fate than being alone. And the worst fate doesn't have to be beating or abuse by him, but being in a marriage that merely exists.
This is one of the most accurate statements I've seen in these forums.
Often women end the marriage after it has been dead for years - she just can't live a lie anymore. Many of these women asked the husband to go for counseling - over and over she asked him to help save the marriage -told him outright that the marriage was in trouble - he refuses counseling, over and over again refuses, never taking his spouse seriously or giving her the respect she deserves. He thinks his mere presence in the house is enough. Eventually, she realizes her husband doesn't care about her enough to want a good marriage, or maybe he doesn't care at all. She stops trying. Anything she ever felt for him dies, because if you don't water a plant, it dies. A year later, maybe 2, maybe 3 years, it is unbearable, the farce of a marriage, the sham it is - she ends it. She's the one who finally got up the courage, the backbone, to say "this ends now".
There's no new man in sight - she likely isn't even thinking along those lines. She simply knows that staying in this situation is intolerable.
There are all sorts of reasons for a divorce, but this is a common scenario, and it's happening today because women now have the money to be able to afford a divorce and live on their own. We do not have to be stuck in marriages where we are not loved or respected. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/21/2009 5:29:18 AM | | The need for closure...to feel unencumbered by the past and start off in a new direction. Taking care of business allows one to focus on thr future without having to tidy up those nasty details sometime donw the road. Rip the bandage off and let the healing begin. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/21/2009 6:19:56 AM |
I cannot even get a full time job because I have to take our child to school at 8:30 am, and bring him home with me at 3:00 pm.
If I hadn't been banned from forums twice and a third time would permanently put me out, I would say something caustic here, but I will be PC instead.
If you cannot get a full-time job because you HAVE to take your child to school, welcome to the world of mothers. In 99% of the families I have known, people with whom I have worked, and other situations, it has been the mother who has been responsible for these types of "chores"--and we dealt with it. We arranged car-pools and babysitters, we gave up segments of our lives to care and raise our children. We juggled time around Little League and soccer games, and many (if not most, these days) held full-time jobs.
And most of us never complained. We did it.
Ever heard of night shifts? What's wrong with a part-time job? I teach and and have three classes online; I don't have to leave the house except for my one seated class, and that class was my choice.
You don't have a full-time job because you don't have to work at one to survive. If you were like the mothers whom I knew who worked at Wal Mart because they didn't have rental income, you would find a way to get a job or you would go on welfare.
If you want to bring up personal experiences, when I left my ex, my youngest son was 15 years old and I NEVER received a penny of child support. Until I went back to school to get my MA, I worked at Wal Mart for two years, averaging about $11,000 a year. My ex made over $60,000. I have known many, yes, many, women whose exes didn't pay their support, yet I can't think of one man who had SOLE custody of his children and had a wife who wouldn't pay her support.
You sound very, very resentful of what you do for your son; I hope that your child does not pick up on how much you resent having to be responsible for him. My son was older and he KNEW, and it caused him much grief to know that his father didn't seem to care about his well-being. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/21/2009 6:39:31 AM | - “I am woman watch me roar”
- Independent Woman
- kids get raised “is this all there is”
- “I don’t NEED a man”
I watched it. My ex-wife (married 17 years) - got her two kids raised (still dad to those girls) - had never been on her own and ................ “see ya”.
She is off being her “Independent Woman”. Yay for her.
Is she all "happy" now - .......... nope.
------- edit
I also think "group mentality" took over. Her best friend dumped her husband of 18 years - then I got dumped a couple of months later - THEN BOTH of her sisters dumped their husbands of 16 years (each) ....... all in the same time frame. Mob rules I guess. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:27:43 AM |
. I cannot even get a full time job because I have to take our child to school at 8:30 am, and bring him home with me at 3:00 pm
I agree, this is BS. I have 2 kids, one under school age, one in school. School starts at 9 am and ends at 3:30. Yet, somehow, I manage to work a ful time job. Hmmm... Oh yeah... that's right. YOungest is in a pre-k daycare program and eldest is in a before and after care program.
Yes together they cost $600 a month (and that's way cheap really), but luckily I earn more than that.
There's always a way... When push comes to shove, you do what you have to.
And, OT, I, too, asked for the divorce.
I think men in general are more willing to cheat rather than leave an unhappy marriage...or they'll just sit around and whine about being unhappy...or emotionally check out of the marriage and go spend time w/buddies. Why? I don't know why. I really don't.
I have talked to SO many men whose wives asked for the divorce. Those men even fought it. Yet when I ask them about the quality of the marriage, they all say the same thing - the marriage sucked. And these are not guys who cheated either. They were just plain miserable. Yet they didn't ask for a divorce, their spouse did.
I can't find the common thread... 2 of the guys I"m thinking of were active in housekeeping chores - at least if not more than their spouses, so it''s not staying for a housekeeper. And both of them did some or all of the cooking. The sex sucked but they didn't cheat. It's not b/c they feared losing their children - for both of these guys in particular they have their kids - one does full time, the other half time.
So I don't know the answer. I DO know that for me, I was tired of the verbal abuse, tired of hte mood swings. Tired of his irresponsibility. Tired of being screamed at to GET OUT. Counseling didn't help - he just made fun of it. Sex life was nonexistant, not that it ever was good. Emotional support was nonexistant as well. He didn't even want me to have friends -w hen I went out with friends he'd pick a fight as I was going out the door - like every freakin' time...made sure I left in a bad mood.
So yes, I asked for the divorce. He was clearly as unhappy as I was or he wouldn't have acted that way. Yet he has fought this every step of the way and claims to want to stay married. Stay married? In that hell???? Where there is hate present 99% of the time? Are you NUTS????
In my case, he lost his housekeeper, his cook, his babysitter, the person he could verbally beat up on when he felt like it... He lost his nice pretty little existence, miserable as it was. I think he enjoys playing the victim role and trying to get sympathy to see what I"ll give him, personally.
Anyway... Maybe it's just that more women have the balls to do what's needed... don't know.
K | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:40:34 AM | | I made the final decision to end the marriage, and moved out. I let her file the papers as she needed to feel she had more control of the process, though it was largely a mutual decision that we had thoroughly discussed. If she hadn't done so in a timely manner, I would have done so anyway. | |
|
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/21/2009 7:48:37 AM | This is a great point, who ended the marriage verses who filed for divorce. The judge in my divorce trial made an observation that my ex and I may have been married, although we never conducted ourselves as husband & wife rather it appeared to her as a business partnership with the ex premeditating and implementing a hostile takeover immediately following the “I do’s”.
In my case, I filed. All the guys I know that are divorced also filed.
My 2-cents | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
