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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 8:06:05 AM | | Mine wanted the divorce so he could get together with his co-worker and just experience a different life (he suffers from chronic depression). So, I moved out (my choice). Here, you have to be "deemed" to be separated for a year before you can become divorced (which can include living together but not in the conjugal sense). A year later, he still hadn't filed for divorce and I wanted to just finalize it so I could totally feel my life was my own without any "strings attached". Before the papers were written and served, I thought it only fair to let him know that's what I was going to do and invited him over to discuss any fine details which we both might want included - at which point he asked me if I wanted to get back together. Silly man didn't remember that I told him if I walked out the door, it would be for good. So...to answer the OP, from my perspective, men can either be lazy about actually going and filing, are afraid what the monetary cost will be to them, or are more afraid of making a mistake after finding out the grass really wasn't greener on the other side. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 8:17:06 AM |
We are divorcing without lawyers & without childish games.
I wanted to go that route, but it takes two to dance the maturity dance.
jjerry wrote:
Women tend to be a little more childish than men.The first time that they dont get their way, the spoiled little children run to the court house to file papers. I think the women need to grow up.
Hey, Jer, with that comment, you allowed not only your bitterness to show, but also demonstrated how much of a little boy you are.
nebula22 wrote: Women file more often because most of them already have someone else on the side. Even if they don't have someone lined up already, they know how easy it is for them to get laid. [. . .] They are greedy and don't care about anyone but themself...
Nebula, at the expense of not being PC, I have NEVER heard you say ONE good thing about a woman. You seem to be the epitome of the misogynist.
Divorce does not always have to do with "someone else on the side." It has to do with miserable, abysmal marriages in which people merely exist. It has to do with insufferable, smothering husbands AND wives. It has to do with marrying at a young age then growing up into different people.
It can be waking up one morning to look at the man or woman lying next to you and thinking, I can't do another 25 years of this.
It is about leaving or continuing to suppress yourself for the rest of your life, making you depressed, unhappy, and unable to enjoy life to its fullest.
Obviously, you obsess about sex and the "other man"; it seems to be your prime pastime, or perhaps it dominates your world. Did you ever think that your wives left you for a reason--and perhaps you were that reason, not another man?
I am gratified and happy that not all men share this mindset. And I KNOW that your gross generalization about ALL women simply isn't true--in the real world. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 8:23:10 AM | So I'm reading these...and having my stomach flip because I've been divorced twice...and am now ending the third and last. Even co-habitating has no appeal.
I often think about whether I gave it my all...tried my hardest...and I have to conclude that I did. I just didn't choose well in the first place, I guess.
1. Married him at 18 because I was pregnant and scared and he was a "good" Christian man. Didn't know that he was also an alcoholic and physically abusive. I ended it when my 5 year old daughter was screaming at her dad to stop hurting her mom...and my Dr. told me to get out because my health was deteriorating....my Father-in-law was my biggest support until the day he died...I filed.
2. Married second husband....we bought a business together that went under...husband became a very angry man....at the end of that marriage he got one of his two girl-friends pregnant....I filed.
3. Married third one 3 years ago....gave him everything he said he wanted. A career in music...freedom to do his own thing...be his own boss...he got into cocain/crack a year into that marriage...only I didn't know it...just saw the effects and unexplained behaviors...My bank account was ripped off, he forged my signature to empty the business account, and he sold all our business sound gear while I was sleeping after a night shift....for crack money...was building it in my garage(I could have been in trouble for owning the property he was doing it on, I could have lost my career)....I set up the counselling, and went myself...he didn't. He refused to go to rehab...went instead to a 24 year old girls'...he wants me back....I am filing in April.
I tried every thing I could think of to fix this one...but I couldn't do it alone...and I refuse to be dragged down. When I make up my mind I get sh*t done, whether it's going back to school as a single mom...or getting my butt out of a bad marriage.... | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 10:09:58 AM |
Why do women make that final move to end the marriage much more frequently then men? - Lori922
In my personal experience (I am currently going through my 4th divorce), there are 3 factors.
#1) Control issues. Because as long as you are still technically married, it is more difficult to move on. It is his way of punishing her, even if he was the one who left  No matter who ended it or why, he hates the idea of someone else "having" his woman. Preventing her ability to re-marry, makes him feel more powerful/ more of a man 
#2) Money. Divorces can be expensive (luckily, mine is free), & they are alot of hassle & work, no matter how much easier they claim to have made it. LAziness is a factor here, too.
#3) In my expereince, women tend to heal & move on faster therefore they are more likely to be ready to finalize this chapter of their life, usually because they have met someone they wish to marry. Just my personal perspective, also an observation of mny of my divorced friends.
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My ex was the primary "breadwinner"; I merely raised the kids, cleaned the house, cooked the meals, did the laundry, mowed the lawn, and repaired what I could around the house. What kind of price can be put on that? - Gwendolyn2008
According to a study I ready about in the Province last summer, approximately $39,000/year. That includes chauferring the kids (if you drive, I don't), but does not include the most priceless: companionship & love. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 10:34:28 AM | We have no fault in PA, but my mentally ill ex didn't file it as such. After 3 years of court battle for my things, I pushed to get him to sign the papers The paperwork I received, he asked me for alimony (I have full custody of the kids). I confess that I would not let my ex back in the home and this pushed him closer to his girlfriend...
Is there an accurate study stating that women file more than men? It just seems from reading the forums there are others that have stranger than fictions stories like I do. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 10:50:59 AM |
Is there an accurate study stating that women file more than men? It just seems from reading the forums there are others that have stranger than fictions stories like I do.
I found one online once that said 70% of all divorces are filed by women... Exactly how accurate that is I'm not sure of, but based on the folks I know it seems like an understatement. I don't think I know a single man who has ever filed for divorce...
Mark
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 10:52:01 AM | | It was the same in my case and all my divorced friends. Men seems VERY reluctant to make the move even if they are miserable. If my ex-husband had his way we would probably still be married, and trust me....we were both miserable! | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 10:52:28 AM | | Divorce is too humiliating for men to NOT try to feign 'working it out' when the majority of the time, they're the ones who have made life so intolerable for their spouse to want to stick it out. Double standard, patriarchal society, "I'm going to do what the fvck I want, and fvck you...don't you dare even try to get back at me, b1tch!' types of verbiage come to mind when I think about it. The fairy tale reality of life, love, and romance takes a nose-dive WAY too late...they're hitched and now they're too broke, too, to get divorced without really taking a detrimental blow. Divorce beats the hell out of murder, though. No one's worth a prison term...pick your poison. Love, Titus | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 11:16:13 AM | | because most cheater like there cake and eat it to. Why should they mess up a good thing.So , the woman usually catches him and shows him the door. At least in my case, I did. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 11:59:44 AM | Swamp you didn't quote the site or the link. Please do, I would love to check it out.
Not only the postings on this site have led me to believe there are quite a few men that do file, but men I have met and some that I have dated have told me about their horror stories. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 12:26:14 PM | Emomommy--
I think it was the family law section of the ABA that did a study on divorce--I'll try to dig it up. In summary, women file approximately 65-70% of divorces (my earlier recollection of 75% was a bit off). The study did not address the reasons, but is considered to empirically sound and statistically valid. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 12:34:22 PM | So they can live out there next ideal with finality.
And frankly we just cant be bothered.
Tooters of to bother a glass of white wine.
Which cost a lot less than my divorce i might add...despite being 101% innocent  | |
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| Calling All Divorcées
Posted: 1/22/2009 12:42:13 PM | I'm going to go out on a limb here and just sum up what I've heard and read over the years....nothing to do with any real stats.
No matter the reason for the break up of the marriage, nor even considering if the father spent much time with his children or not...most men seem to fear the loss of their children and home. In fact if they are not seeing much of their children now, they will likely see even less of them if they divorce. While the wife & kids seem to most often drop down several levels of their lifestyle, the men still fear losing their homes and the financial security they've built up (with or without the wives' income).
Men seem more likely to have no problem with having affairs and being happy to come home to a wife & kids. I know, women do this too, but I think (again could be completely wrong) most women are willing to run off with a man they are having an affair with than men are to run off with their lover(s). Men like having a home to come to at the end of the day, while many women feel trapped in that home if they are not happy with the marriage.
I do not believe that women can get laid easier than men, I keep seeing that posted but that doesn't jive with how many more women online seem to not even be able to get a date, much less sex, than the men seem to be able to get. I don't know that women need a more emotional attachment than men do but I do think women need the fantasy of it more than men. So women are more likely to leave to find a man or men who will make her feel attractive while men are more likely to find that outside the marriage if they don't in the marriage, but not want to leave the marriage to get it.
I think women have better support groups than men, for the most part, even with strangers online, women will more often get the sympathy vote. Men are suppose to stand alone, strong against the wind and not whine...good gawd that must be hard! So I'm guessing that many men want a woman at home, that they can come to, even if they don't open up to her, and feel loved, needed, wanted and cared for.
Just thinking out loud.  | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 1:36:40 PM | Well lets see she cheated  so therefore I Filed It  / Paid For It  and Had It Served  to make sure she got it and then got to  and got  . | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 1:57:09 PM | "Is there an accurate study stating that women file more than men?
None published from any government agency, to my knowledge.
Most are compilations and comparatives researches from different sources.
The most mencioned source is from the American Bar Association, throughout surveys' divorce attorneys at law, citing from l0w 61% to high 74% over differents yrs - 1977 to 1997 period- stating that women are the ones who file first and 25% of men know about it, being served by mail.
The most extensive and complete study is the one published by law professor Margaret Brinning of George Mason University in Arlington, Virginia with Douglas Allen, economist at Vancouver's Simon Fraser University from 46,000 cases within four American states which keep stats on wich partner initiates actions. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 2:11:32 PM | Although I have no personal experience with this since I've never been married, this is my two cents on the topic.
I think HumbleWriter has a point when she says that in this day and age, more women are comfortable doing what is right for them. Even though many of us still grow up with the 1950's values instilled in us, reality is that society no long fits that idyllic mold. Many women now choose to have a career rather than be a homemaker, staying home and raising the kids.
With more options available to women in today's society, comes greater independence. Women are no longer solely dependent on their partners financially. The modern age doesn't look down upon a woman who chooses to work. Therefore, if a woman is truly unhappy, she is better equipped to deal with it.
And being a divorcee is no longer looked down upon either. You see all types of families these days, single parent households, blended families, all which is seen as acceptable. There isn't the stigma that used to be associated with having a career or being a divorced woman.
Also, I think the mindset of many women is that if somethings broken, they need to fix it. If they are unhappy in their marriage and have tried to 'fix it', but it doesn't resolve the situation, that's when they choose to file for divorce.
I think men however, grow up being told they are supposed to be good fathers and husbands, so are less likely to file because if they do, they have failed in their eyes. They were a 'bad' husband for leaving or giving up. And I know if children are involved, many men have guilt over not being there 24/7 for their children. Hence, they feel like they are a 'bad' father. Not saying this is necessarily the case, just an observation, based on my experience and what male friends have told me.
Daynadaze also touched on issues that I though of mentioning, but since she has already done it, I won't rehash it. I think Daynadaze hit the nail on the head in message 88. You go girl!!
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/22/2009 2:52:48 PM | The divorce rate would've been high years and years ago too if women were more independant back then. Back then it was STAND BY YOUR MAN...even he cheats, hits, drinks, is a bumb or all of the above. Now we dont have to put up with it because now alot of the women are the bread winners . And we have proven we can work a full time job on top of all the mother and wife duties. Super women No wonder I'm so dang tired. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/23/2009 1:34:39 PM | | I think because of neglect. Most of us are moms and we tend to have it in our nature to take care of people. Therefore, our husbands too. They get used to it and stop putting forth the effort on the intimacy part. We also start being their mom which is not what they want. Everyone has busy lives so daily routiens take over which leads to neglect. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/23/2009 1:50:30 PM | | I think in alot of cases because the men just want to drag things along and pretend everythings ok .....so the women take a stand and just file and get it over with......thats what happened in my case..... | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/23/2009 8:24:32 PM | | I filed because I was married to an abusive alcoholic and drug abuser. I took my children and got away from him. I am happy to say he does not mess with me. i will not put up with it and he knows it. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/24/2009 6:55:39 PM | | way to go kblue.. been there done that have the police reports.. but if you look at my profile I am not divorced hrm been seperated 17 yrs.. why cuz he hides on an indian rez so kinda hard to serve and unless i hit the lotto to file by putting ad's in the paper and whatnot I will just have to wait till he gets drunk and starts a fight he doesnt finish .. heres to wishing.. to all those men who think women are always out to get something.. I walked (okay I had him arrested and ran but thats besides the point) with nothing.. not even my kids clothes and never looked back.. I get no support I dont even hear from him.. just my ex mother in law from time to time. The only thing I do want is his death certificate!! am i bitter .. er yeah let me beat you for a while and see how biter you are lol.. now thank you so much for thinking that women (tis but a frail weak creature they are) are doing nothng but looking to GET what they can. I am sure they are out there but the men can be just as skanky as the women.. silly humans.. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/24/2009 7:23:40 PM | Women file first, but statistically men finish (end) the marriage....generally
Women file 1st as a threat tactic to try to force changes upon the man, the marriage, the relationship......
Men finish the process because men don't like to be threatened.....and foolishly think they can "win"....
Not all divorces are triggered by infidelity or abuse.......in fact most are not....
Most divorces happen due to lack of communication, stagnation, incompatibility, and general apathy for the relationship.........started out as lovers and ended up strangers.. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/24/2009 7:45:16 PM | | My ex made the first move to file because he had found and was fuc***g someone else who he eventually married. Now I actually thank her. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/24/2009 8:12:19 PM |
Not all divorces are triggered by infidelity or abuse.......in fact most are not....
Most divorces happen due to lack of communication, stagnation, incompatibility, and general apathy for the relationship.........started out as lovers and ended up strangers..
This is very true...as a matter of fact...the whole post by jeeplover above^^ was excellent.
I honestly thought that me and my exwife would never be apart...it was a good marriage..three wonderful sons...all of the good stuff was really good....there was no abuse, no melodrama, no infidelity....but after 18 years...something crept in that didn't feel right.
And, my ex wife was 'unhappy'....no matter what the reason, or who is to blame, it doesn't matter. Nothing I could do would soothe this internal unhappiness that she was feeling...
so..we went to counseling...six months.....nothing was moving...nothing was changing...one day, in the middle of another snoozable therapy session, I just got up and said..."I'm done"
I wasn't upset, I wasn't mad, I wasn't pisssed....but apparently poor communication and apathy had set in deeply. So, I filed and went through with divorce....thinking...well, we can all get on with our lives....and maybe she'll be 'happy' now.
Oh boy, was I wrong...I wasn't supposed to do that, I guess.
Thus began a year of going through the 'meatgrinder', Just when you think it can't get any worse...well, think again.
I still don't know what I was 'supposed' to do to make it all right. But...silly me, I figure that that was enough of my time of trying to breathe life into a dead object....
There are no winners in divorce.
I mean, we didn't even dislike each other, and it still sucked. But time takes care of all things....I felt for my kids the most, because of the dumb asss actions and reactions of us...their supposedly infallible 'parents'.
started off as lovers...and ended up strangers....so very true.
But, we're all better off now...no book goes on forever....there is always a last chapter.
And, interestingly enough, Life opens up so much if you just let it all unfold.
Yet, I understand why folks might be a little more cautious these days.
But more than that, I put the word out to all brothers and sisters out there who still search for the next dream relationship with the tenacity of a bounty hunter...to pause...and think of what exactly it is you are searching for.
I think divorce is Natures way of guiding you to the most miraculous journey this life has to offer, the journey into finally discovering who is the authentic 'you'
Kimbo***************************************  | |
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