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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/24/2009 8:16:23 PM | Lori922,
If with all of the divorce people you know, the woman filed for the divorce … then I suppose I am the exception to the rule. However, in my case it took me a very long time to reach the point where I could accept that it was the right thing to do. My ex struggled with addictions to both compulsive gambling & alcohol for the last 10 yrs of our marriage. I was convinced that I could help her overcome these problems. It took me 10 yrs and lot of frustration and drama to come to the realization that I was the only one interested in her overcoming her addictions. Of the divorced people I know … in most of the cases it was the man who filed for the divorce. So perhaps it has more to do with the people you surround yourself with than trends in general.
You did get me curious as to who files for the divorce more … men or women? So I did a little research and ran across the following …
"The proportion of divorces initiated by women ranged around 60% for most of the 20th century, and climbed to more than 70% in the late 1960s when no-fault divorce was introduced: so says a just-released study by law professor Margaret Brinig of George Mason University in Arlington, Virginia and Douglas Allen, economist at Vancouver's Simon Fraser University. The researchers undertook one of the largest studies ever on divorce, using 46,000 cases from the four American states that keep statistics on which partner initiates the action. In addition to women filing twice as often, the researchers found, they are more likely to instigate separations and marriage break ups."
So perhaps your suspicions were correct. If I had to guess why women file more often I guess (drawing on my own experience) I would say because men prefer to ride out a bad marriage longer.
Interesting topic!
Gary | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/24/2009 8:27:07 PM | I didn't read all the responses so someone may have said this, but I think simply put....
Men are more lethargic/lazy about doing it. They may want to be divorced but not enough to do the effort it takes to pull the trigger.
Len | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/25/2009 3:00:54 AM | Kimbo~
Amazing post!
My favorite part:
I think divorce is Natures way of guiding you to the most miraculous journey this life has to offer, the journey into finally discovering who is the authentic 'you' Pinch me!  | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/25/2009 3:32:23 AM | OK, I'll share..
My ex-husband filed - unbeknownst to me. He petitioned the court after he cheated on me. I suspect his guilt got the best of him - who knows. I was away from home.. earning the bulk of our income. This man destroyed a 13 year marriage because he couldn't cope - a total coward (his words). I followed through with the divorce ... yet, he tried everything to stop it. It took me leaving the country, then appearing telephonically to finalize the divorce - unbeknownst to him.
What did I get out of it?
- My dignity
- Peace of Mind
- The attorney's fees and child support payments.
Betrayal is betrayal - the end. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/28/2009 4:02:34 PM | jjerry is quite the poop head! I want to hurt him, I think. Yeah, its all women who are to blame! What a troll...
I filed because I discovered my hubby had his penis in his married coworker and was plotting against me to completely screw me over. I walked on eggshells and endured a lot of heartache trying to please that man for years...an impossible task. I agree with those who think the higher stat for women filing is because they are just more organized with such matters. I saw the writing on the wall and sprung into action, no begging to fix things....I struck back hard and fast and precise. Wouldn't change a thing, looking back. My living standard did drop a few rungs but at least I don't have to put up with a cheating snake who tells me I am a fat stupid b#*#@! | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/28/2009 4:55:12 PM | | SOME men would have a hard time putting down their beer cans and getting their lazy arses off the couch and down to the courthouse LOL. Oh I'm just kidding!!! | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 1/28/2009 11:23:03 PM | I stayed with my wife so long, because I took my marriage seriously. I wanted to make sure I could do everything possible before calling it quits. I was the one to initially a contact a lawyer when I knew it would never work out.
I did, for a long time, just avoided her because I was so mad at her. At the time I was working out of state for a few years.
But she passed away before I got the divorce started. But luckily we didn't get a divorce as everything we had went to me & the kids and was easier to get all her affairs in order as her husband.
I did have some friends come up to me at the funeral to say I was a good man for staying in the marriage. As our circle of friends knew she moved some guy into the house when I was away, which was unknown to me at the time. That meant a lot to me them knowing I was at least trying to make it work. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:08:14 PM | Yep I just registered because my ex wife has problems paying me sometime. So I said screw it let them collect for me. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:03:49 PM | Because women act on EMOTIONS while men contemplate consequences.
Ladies: Before you beat your macho drum and attribute the overwhelming female filing frequency to women liberation (which by the way is nothing more than political rhetoric) consider this: If you knew that the most likely outcome of your divorce filing would be;
a) A loss of custody and subsequent alienation from your child(ren).
b) Forced alimony and child support payments.
c) A loss of 50%+ of the combined assets you most likely brought to the table.
Would you hesitate to file? Of course you would!!
So trust me when I say that the lack of male filings has nothing to do with the fact that he does not want out of the relationship. Instead, it has everything to do with fear, fear of the dyer consequences levied upon men by a biased legal system, in particular if children are involved. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:24:11 PM | Men love to cheat and still remain married. I had to go through hell to get my divorced finalized and he was married in another country. I did a little background check on a seprerated man that i was dating who had told me that he filed for divorce a few times and his wife had rejected it. Well, the cort papers showed no filing of any divorce so he sataed with drinking and stip clubs, she is living with another man and they both still own the house that both he and i were together in and hey i even met his daughter.............................Oh, it is soooooooooooooooo lovely to find out the truth.....................................Deception SUCKS
what is this arrangement???????????friggin crazy   | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/4/2009 11:30:29 PM | | OK I intiated it, but I could not take being treated so poorly anymore. I know he wanted me back even. I don't make fun of men who cry, but he did when I did not want to re-marry. His alcoholism was too much to handle. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:25:14 AM |
Why do women make that final move to end the marriage much more frequently then men?
because men are effing clueless and content in their inertia and status quo.
i haven't thought about this until now, but counting out the divorces that i personally know about among friends and family, yes the woman initiated it. and for the very reason that i mentioned. including mine. | |
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jm0405
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Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 113 | |
| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:51:04 AM | My ex filed because I gave him an ultimatum. He was to file and pay for the divorce since we didn't assets or anything to worry about. In exchange for that, since he was arrested a 2nd time within one year for beating me because the neighbors called the police, I lied in court to keep him out of jail for 5 years. So....I didn't file...but you better believe I was instrumental in making the divorce happen!
I made the move because I didn't want to be beat up every day, wake up when I am 60 and realize I wasted my life and good years with this jerk. I wanted to be divorced while I was still young enough to find better company, someone else I would rather grow older with. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 6:42:23 AM | | I think more women file for divorce because divorce is easy to get ( although not easy to go through apparently) and they will almost always get the children if there are children around. | |
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| LOL....
Posted: 2/5/2009 7:14:19 AM |
I've also come across some research that says length of marriage is correlated with low IQ for women - meaning, the longer a woman is married, the lower her IQ ***on average*** The smart ones get out, or don't get married in the first place.
...nice try. Your bias isn't showing at all (because you strike me as too smart to not understand the term "causal relationship". In fact...you demonstrate it...
The women with options get out if they're unhappy. The women with no or fewer options are much more likely to stay in a bad marriage.
....right here.
This is the obvious reason for this statistical anecdote that you cite. Why you needed to attempt to spin it differently is something only you know...but I imagine there are some smart married women who would take insult. I know a few.
I had a "first thought", which was that not even two pages into this I am not at all surprised why some of you guys are single (and probably having problems forming relationships with women), but then "genipher" reminded me that axes can be ground in both directions.
My second thought is that yes, this is true, women file for divorce (and, as it turns out, ask for the divorce) more often than men. This has been documented in a few places - I will leave it for you to do the internet research if you care to.
I think some of the reasons cited, both objective and subjective, are behind this. (Btw, for you angry fellows...it has also been studied and documented ad nauseam that on average women financially fair significantly worse post divorce than pre divorce. No woman - at lest no woman with primary responsibility for care of children - in her right mind gets a divorce because she believes she will benefit financially).
However, one of the reasons found in recent studies is that because...
a) Men are often oblivious to there being meaningful issues in the marriage (hence some of the rancor you often see from men...and which also explains why statistically, women ASK FOR the divorce more often than men)
b) Statistically, men do significantly worse after marriage (holistically...not just financially) than women. Women "move on" better than men do. They adjust to the new circumstances better. For example, suicide rates for post divorce men are multiple times greater than for married men...but they are actually slightly LOWER for divorced women versus married women (no wise cracks...I'm making a serious point here).
Now the reasons for this could be varied...women do tend to have better support systems...both societal and personal. They are also more likely to ASK for help...and based on stereotypes, more likely to receive it.
(Here comes the undocumented, speculative part) I believe men intuitively know these things - that divorce sucks. Someone said "because men rather have their cake and eat it too"...that is a gross over simplification, loaded with unfair innuendo...but their is a sliver of truth to it, (albeit high distorted). It goes back to the fact that men less frequently even PERCEIVE that their are issues in the marriage of divorce level significance. Money is the number one cause for divorce, and sexual libido / infidelity is number two...I think both men and women can be pretty clear on those issues...when things are in the crapper financially...or if somebody (or both bodies) are screwing around, it is no big mystery that a split might be in the offing, and when it comes, why it occurred.
But...when you think about the other reasons for divorce...things like a dissatisfaction with the level of communication, a need for personal space, identity and growth...hello?? This is EXACTLY the sort of stuff men and women disconnect on ALL THE TIME...regardless of marriage (or even an emotional relationship) being part of the equation or not.
So...a woman thinks things are going in the crapper...and she also thinks her husband is "having his cake and eating it too", because he doesn't seem to be concerned. He is deriving the benefits from marriage...and doesn't seem to have any concerns about the state of it.
No wonder she asks for the divorce.
But this doesn't make him a bad guy....
Ahh...the chasms that separate us....and to think there are still people who think love in and of itself is a reason to get married...and that it conquers all.... | |
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| LOL....
Posted: 2/5/2009 7:41:34 AM | My ex wife was the one who asked me for it. By that time I already knew there was nothing resembling love left anyway. I wasn't as "hurt" as I thought I would be, I just felt kind-of relieved. As for the divorce proceedings. We were going to do a "do it ourselves" divorce and type-up the papers and everything. We cooperated more on the divorce than we probably ever did during the whole marriage!!
We went to the law library and looked-up some stuff and typed-up a nice bunch of papers and we went to court. The judge made us get a lawyer!! So now we had to scrape together the money for an attorney just so we could legally be done with it. We finally did and it was done.
We never had any kids, nor did we fight over any material things, nor had we amassed any property that was between us. She knew her own lazy-"let's party-party-party"-@$$ wasn't "entitled" to anything else out of me anyway, nor would she even get it if I had it. So it was very cut and dry. A very "amicable" divorce. The whole marriage was a huge mistake, just two young dumb kids "in love". I don't really even tell people very often that I even ever was married.
Mike | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:02:09 AM | | I think talking about divorce is a waste of time. You move on or you melt down. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 11:02:12 AM |
Even if it isn't perfect, they believe they'll find perfection if they keep an unrealistic list of absolutes updated.
can't speak for everyone, but that captures my situation very succinctly
when one party blames the other for 100% of the couple's problems, no meaningful dialog/conversation/negotiation/understanding can be achieved | |
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| I bet....
Posted: 2/5/2009 7:14:13 PM |
UGGH Have you ever read the womens profiles. Its not hard to figure out why they are single. Most often it is the woman that wants the divorce,and for childish selfish reasons. Just read a few of their profiles and see for yourself
...you have to just beat women off, don't you? 
It isn't hard to figure out why you are single either.... | |
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| I bet....
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:08:27 PM | Tammy Wynette:
"and that spells D-I-V-O-R-C-E"
"I don't want to play house."
corse back when, doing a d was tricky....
just frees up more available types, no? | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:18:53 PM |
"Eventually, she realizes her husband doesn't care about her enough to want a good marriage, or maybe he doesn't care at all. She stops trying. Anything she ever felt for him dies, because if you don't water a plant, it dies. A year later, maybe 2, maybe 3 years, it is unbearable, the farce of a marriage, the sham it is - she ends it. She's the one who finally got up the courage, the backbone, to say "this ends now".
There's no new man in sight - she likely isn't even thinking along those lines. She simply knows that staying in this situation is intolerable. "
So true, knowbetter! Your post describes my marriage almost exactly. I believe my ex was as unhappy as I was towards the end of our marriage. I suppose I had changed the dynamics in the previous few years, becuase I was finally "tired" of being taken for granted.
Our marriage had never been particularly happy for me, my ex had always put himself and his interests first right from the very beginning. I guess I hoped he'd one day realise that he had a wife and children who loved him and we'd eventually become more important in his life.
That never happened of course, (we do kid ourselves, don't we?) and I eventually just felt "burnt out". I suffered a huge bout of depression which lasted for months.
I suppose he never really cared, but I never wanted to believe it. Everything that had been wrong in our marriage had always been "your problem", so my becoming depressed gave him even more reason to blame me.
He even told our children I would eventually end up in a mental institution and tried to gain sympathy by telling our children he "could never please her" (me).
We did do the counselling towards the end, but his heart wasn't in it. I think he just wanted to say to everyone "we tried".
He wanted to keep the house and once he realised things were probably finally over, he treated me very poorly.
I was literally ignored in my own household. He told our sons not to argue with me but to do what he did "agree with her and then do whatever you like!"
I feel I had no choice but to leave. He was pretty 'ordinary' during that time (played the victim beautifully to friends and family) and then then was "shocked" when I instigated a property settlement and then later divorced him!
I grieved a lot over the end of my marrriage, he on the other hand went on his first date 3 months after we separated!
It has been only in the last couple of years I have felt I might be ready for another relationship.
In the last year , I have found I have had a number of married men approach me and I agree many men look for a replacement BEFORE they leave their wives, if they do leave.
I believe my ex had a short relationship with my ex sister-in-law (my brother's ex) in the last six months of our marriage, but I can never prove it. Maybe he was already looking to "move on" | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:20:51 PM | | sorry to ruin your record, I filed, i showed up for court for the finale on april fools day and they had to get her on the phone | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:55:58 PM | I think more women file for divorce than the men, because men have more to lose financially. I know too many stories how the man is unhappy and no longer loves his wife, but it will cost him too much with child support and alimony.
Me personally........ I lost respect, then love for my ex. I couldn't stay with someone I didn't respect. I didn't make out financially either because I was the bread winner, so I got squat for child support. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 9:18:25 PM |
because men are effing clueless and content in their inertia and status quo.
This singular notion, Huckleberry, entitles you to a lifetime pass in this pool. All I can suggest to you is that, if this statement even approaches your best judgment, you have fewer clues than the gender you're stepping on.
OP, in the vast majority of cases, divorces have economic consequences which, more often than not, motivate a wife, with or without children, and discourage a husband to "seek relief" in the domestic relations courts.
There's an old saw about the high cost of divorce being worth every penny. Generally speaking, the one with the greater earning power will be compelled to support the other. Juxtaposed upon that factor, is the seemingly universal law that the "non-custodial parent" must pay the "custodial parent", when there are children of the marriage. Women with children, despite some well-intentioned laws to offset inequities, are nonetheless judged, and compensated accordingly, by employers who want to see maximum work efforts (largely time on site, loosely correlated to productivity measures). For this and other economic reasons, women are, in a sense, "rewarded" by divorce courts, to the extent that their husbands have the better earning records.
Of course, the economic influences are not the only reasons why people initiate divorce actions (a sizable number are simply actions for compulsory support, without seeking divorce). A court order requiring payment of support, violation of which
is punishable by incarceration, and various mandatory collection devices short of jail, but implemented by the domestic relations divisions of the courts (in effect, free legal service to the payee spouse or ex), is a considerable benefit for the one who is entitled to payment, and a cogent motivator to be the first to file.
There is nothing reprehensible in my comments here. It is only the law at play. At the point of failure of a relationship, neither party is generally highly motivated to favor the other in any way, whether in the form of sharing wealth, or any other accommodation. There is at least one other currently active thread related to this subject, about why people get married in the first instance. When I did, I gave little thought to the legally binding obligations that followed that the Reception. Marriage is largely a legal fiction (my apologies to organized religion), carrying very real financial consequences, a partnership agreement, the dissolution of which can ONLY be "finally" and "officially" granted by a judge.
Other than these legal and economic factors, and to the dubious extent to which any gender-specific "traits" can be divined, I have frequently heard or read that the woman in a relationship controls the "nest", and at the point where a mate becomes clutter, he needs to be swept out. (Lol. Not delicately phrased, but all that occurs to me in the time allotted.)
OP, your question grazes the tip of an iceberg, and my answer doesn't take you much deeper. What saddens me is the need to assess and express truckloads of blame at the feet of anyone else, much less an entire gender. The author of the quoted post is special in her own way, not because the mindset is unique to her, but that answer is far more shallow than the cursory observation in the original question (somewhere, on the internet, there is, no doubt, a reachable stat on the issue of who more often initiates legal actions to separate or divorce- I have not done so, but the "stats" do not answer the why). | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:11:05 PM | Most of the women I know filed because the man doesn’t…However, I met a man just a few months ago, that on the third date told me that he was not really divorced but had not seen or heard from her in 3 years. He said “if she wants to remarry she’d have to file”. Now on the other hand I have a friend who has not seen or heard from her husband for 14 years and she doesn’t want to put the money into a divorce. As for myself…I went to a lawyer and had the papers drawn up, and all he got was the truck and the truck payments…then told him to go sign them or get a lawyer…he signed...he wanted out more the anything we owned.
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