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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 1:27:05 AM | I'm sorry I have not read anyone's responses here. I just saw the title to this thread. I'm divorced, and I had to respond. I filed for divorce because of infedelity, lying, and I could'nt trust my x wife. Its the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I would'nt wish it on anybody. I do have to say though that I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm looking back on it now and feel thankful that I'm not being lied to, and cheated on. Its so hard when you pour your heart and soul into your loved one and get betrayed. The trust goes right out the window at that time. That being said it doesnt alway end up that way. I believe things happen for a reason, and there is something better out there for me. I have come to the relization that I am just one of the other 50%+ people out there that have had to endure this hard situation. The past is history and the future is a mystery and today is a gift that's why they call it the present. Love is hard to find and harder when you are the one doing the loving!! Its all good and who know what will happen.  | |
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| Well, isn't that...
Posted: 2/6/2009 5:30:11 AM | What saddens me is the need to assess and express truckloads of blame at the feet of anyone else, much less an entire gender.
...the pot calling the kettle black.
I guess it doesn't count as stereotyping, gender bashing, and general bellyaching out of bitterness if you use big words and attempt to convey your point in a tenor of monotonous emotional detachment ("I'm not bitter!!! I am not!!! See how calmly I can talk about my divorce!!!). Should you wish to convey this again in the future, say on some exclusively male website where bitter divorced men conjugate in order to perform their ritual circle jerk, you might want to leave out the part where you moan about having to pay child support to take care of your own damn kids. Its a give away.
(somewhere, on the internet, there is, no doubt, a reachable stat on the issue of who more often initiates legal actions to separate or divorce- I have not done so, but the "stats" do not answer the why).
Asked, answered, documented. You are entitled to your opinion of course, but perhaps had you done a bit of that internet research your opinion wouldn't have that faint manure like effect on the olfactory senses.
But, I have to grant you, it did succeed in making you sound real smart. Congratulations!! | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:34:55 AM | My ex was emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive and controlling. My depression and suicide attempts were the result of being the only one in the marriage who was trying to make it work.
I was doing all the work, he was having all the fun. Going out to Karaoke, Going out on New Years Eve, gone traveling for work. I was alone and lonely all the time.
I felt as though I could be alone and unhappy alone as easily as I could be alone and unhappy single.
I didn't want to "stick with it" and wake up in my 80s wishing I had left while I was still young.
So, after 3 years of trying so hard to make it work and getting no effort from him........I filed.
It was the best decision I have ever made. Yes, I have been lonely at times. Yes, it has been financially difficult at times.
Yes, it was worth it and I still feel, 3 years later that it was the right decision. I just feel bad that it hurt my kiddos. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 10:32:15 AM | | I think women in general file more often than men for a number of reasons. The most important is that our society has made it socially acceptable to call getting bored something else and rolled out the red carpet for women to act on such impulses. Meaning that essentially society celebrates and supports the divorced woman the same way it celebrates and supports the alpha male bachelor. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 11:18:44 AM | | I have found the opposite true. Most of the women that i know that have divorced (close friends and co-workers) it was the men that filed for divorce. It was true in my case also (he couldn't wait to marry a co-worker). And a few of the women that did file the man had left and was living with another woman but hadn't bothered filing. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 11:31:39 AM | | well bug, your experience does not reflect the current statistics. I go on and on about this but I honestly feel like our relationships are in the same state of flux as our economy. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 11:36:19 AM | "Men are often oblivious to there being meaningful issues in the marriage."
This is SO true and was a big part of both divorces that I initiated. My parents were divorced and I had sworn that I would never end up divorced, believing that you could always recapture that spark and feeling of what drew you together in the first place. Boy was I wrong. It was actually pregnancy that brought us together, twice, I'm a slow learner sometimes! But I'm fixed now, so it's not happening again LOL!
People grow and change. I did everything and more to be work on those marriages, to fix the issues I could see and feel, but if your partner is oblivious ... what can you do? My first husband said it was all my fault and that I should have "yelled at him" so he would have known I was "serious" when I brought up concerns. Most of the issues were about money and shared household responsibilities and one day I just woke up and realized that I didn't like him anymore and it was simply over, done, finito. I called it financial abuse and DISRESPECT. After he left with his income (and disappeared) I actually had more money left over at the end of the month. Because I had the higher income, all the debts of the marriage were in my name, that was a big stimulus to file and get it all sorted out. Twenty years later I'm still registered with Family Maintenance because he dropped out of sight, made himself a martyr or something, very limited contact with his children, doesn't even phone on their birthdays. He showed up out of the blue last fall, told us how much money he's making ($43/hr plus OT) said he'd start paying soon ... but disappeared again so zilch, zippo, nada. He complained at the time about FMEP garnisheeing (sp?) his check and how he wasn't left with enough to live on, but you know what? I don't care. How about living up to your responsibilities for once. He made his bed, he can lie in it.
Second marriage similiar story only the disrespect wasn't about money, it was about child rearing and what I consider to be verbal abuse ... and nonverbal abuse too - body language communicates disrespect SO strongly, but he didn't believe that, he would snarl and sneer that he said he was sorry, and that was supposed to be an apology. Lots of other things in the marriage were good, we had a lot of laughs, but when I would try to talk to him about issues, it would re-engage the original argument, he would escalate and there would be no meaningful conversation. So I gave up, became dead on the inside for a couple of years, tolerated it all, smiled and nodded. But I began to disrespect myself because of it. Ultimately it was self-loathing that drove me to do something. Something lit up inside me again and I knew there was something better for me that a mediocre relationship. Good enough seldom is. Initially the road to divorce was rocky, but I persevered ... he was VERY concerned about his finances, screamed at me once in front of the kids that I had cost him $100,000 over the 10 years we were together .... so I spoke money to him ... how it would cost us BOTH more if we argued over every dollar ... and that best solution was for both us to compromise - especially for the children's sake. So we did. We now share the kids. I got a place close to him so they could walk back and forth, neither of us pays the other anything, we talk on the phone and share school fees and such.
So long story short, I think women initiate divorce more often because (generalization) they FEEL things more deeply and not only listen to their emotions but act on them. And men don't because there is still that stereotype that the man is the provider and come hell or high water they are supposed to stick by their woman so they become oblivious to the problems. Or maybe they're writing them off cause they think it's just "that time of the month" or something! Who really knows. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 2:31:07 PM |
"Men are often oblivious to there being meaningful issues in the marriage."
Ok since we're on a generalization kick here I'll offer that most men don't know that there are meaningful issues because most women don't express those concerns in a language and method that men understand. It's like when women start feeling negatively they suddenly forget that men and women communicate differently...think differently etc... and start doing the whole "subtlety" routine. This of course is a trap because not only does she NOT realize she's doing this and subsequently undermining the relationship...she actually starts to believe that the issue is his lack of interest or understanding...and not her lack of communication skills.
There...how's that for a little generalized truth??? | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 4:11:28 PM | | Hey Wanna ... it's truth if it was true. While that is a good point about expressing concerns in a language and way that men understand, in my situation I was explicit ... "please do not tell the children to fvck off, don't tell our 16 yr old daughter she is a lazy cow. How about some counseling or anger management? I am losing respect for you if you continue to do this. I am worried we will end up divorced." Is that in language a man ought to understand? If that is too subtle, then how about men thinking to notice the "subtlety routines" and ask what's going on? It takes two to tango. How's that for my truth? | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:00:10 PM | Plato in his dialogue "The Laws" sugggested, if I am correct, that when two people want to part the sheets (whether linen or paper), that it is in the best interests of both partners to agree on one thing: that is, that the separation is due to a 'difference in temperaments' (every one knows that), and finally that it is the community that has a responsibility for each of the separating partners to find a new home.....that is why we have friends, courts, and a society.
There is nothing more deeper and sincere, and perhaps wise in that offering.....Plato says it in a non-offending way, in regards to a lack of consensus....
My only consolation for the ordeal was a son, a bright one....and I guess my mother took extreme joy too...maybe my dadio too...and her family....
little harpy
chaocito | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:02:26 PM | I would have preferred if the ex had returned to teach in Lima... then I would be able to immigrate too, to a place which I prefer in the winter, and to continue my education,
no? so as to be close to our son. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 6:53:29 PM | | I left him but he filed 1st only b/c he had a lawyer 1st so he filed. I think the real topic is why women leave.... it has occured to me that men seem to be stuck in a different generation/era where the women are the maintainers of the family and the men are the breadwinners. This is no longer true. Women now are financial contributers of to family on top of maintaining the family. In my experience, if there is dual income there should also be 50/50 ownership in maintaining the family. The wife "cannot do it all". So when there is great inequities in family responsibilty, something's gotta give. I tried many times not only to resolve the inequities of responsibilities but the inequities of the the relationship. Skews your statistics that he filed but reasons are probably the same as if I filed. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:05:59 PM | i dont think men treat women with enough dignity or respect
they should read the book the key is respect | |
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| That....
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:11:09 PM |
"please do not tell the children to fvck off, don't tell our 16 yr old daughter she is a lazy cow. How about some counseling or anger management? I am losing respect for you if you continue to do this. I am worried we will end up divorced."
...was an angry, angry, sad, pathetic man.
You have to be a little, little man to take your frustrations out on your own kids.
My only questions are...
1) Why did you hang around as long as you did
2) Didn't you see that coming when you were dating? (I personally do not think people change all THAT much...just that people refuse to see the signs...I did...or believe they can get the person to change) | |
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| That....
Posted: 2/6/2009 8:35:44 PM | I've wondered why I hung around too mylife ... I think you can tolerate things for a while until you start to see what is really happening. And it's all tinged with a bit of disbelief...why is this happening to me ... then rationalization - it's not so bad (there were good parts too) ... a rollercoaster ride until the "cost/benefit analysis" tips in the direction of better to leave than stay. It was a pattern of behaviour over time over time. Only in retrospect did I see the signs ... I spent a fair bit of time beating myself up over it - head-slapping DUMMY style!
But what great learning! I've gone too quickly into relationships, too easily swept away, anxious to know what it means and take the next step, to define it - I mean it feels so amazing when you are in that infatuation phase of a relationship and you want to capture it right? But now that I'm older and hopefully wiser, I'm not in a rush, besides I want some substance with my infatuation ... and I think it takes time to get a true sense of a person. I'm sure not going to be buying a house with anyone time soon and I'm kinda partial to having the whole bed to myself. So I can sit back and enjoy the journey now, and savor the beginning of something new ... I don't have to gulp it down whole ... so to speak as it were ... umm ... mind took a left turn there! This being single has its challenges lol! | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 2/6/2009 9:39:49 PM | Nope, he did. came home from work, told me he needed space after almost 20 years. He swore there was no one else. He cleaned out all the accounts before I got home. He filed, had to disclose all his finanial records, at least once a week there was some thing from fredricks of hoolywood on there, size 2 frilly items. When asked about it under oath, he said it was for personal use, ROFL! I was a size 8 at the time, guess he needed more space in the bed, I must of took up too much room, hehe. And who was she? that he wasnt seeing, one of my friends, broke her marrage up also. Kids a nd friends tell me they broke up soon after, and now he's kind of grumpy and not a very happy person. Oh well, I'm happy now, and having a great time. I'm movin on up....
Life is good. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 3/12/2009 7:36:12 AM | I think some of it might be because a lot of men have a warranty mentality about relationships. You know: if it's not right, we'll fix it. Just give us a chance. So, perhaps at the end of the day, at least in their own minds, they're still trying.
The other thing, which I know to be the case, at least where I live, is that there's presently a great deal of societal encouragement and support for women to end relationships. Women are often encouraged to perceive the relationship as irredeemable, and to leave it, whereas men are frequently encouraged by their peers to step up to the plate with respect to their own responsibilities and try to fix the situation.
Not to say they always do that ;)
BG | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 3/12/2009 8:37:11 AM | I think some of it might be because a lot of men have a warranty mentality about relationships. You know: if it's not right, we'll fix it. Just give us a chance. So, perhaps at the end of the day, at least in their own minds, they're still trying.
It's funny... this is another "stat" I read which was polling I think about 4,000 men. so obviously it's not a huge sample, nor do I have any clue where they were found.
But these 4,000 men were all in committed relationships, and of the 4,000 of them that were polled, literally 70% of them were looking for an active replacement while still very much in the relationship.
I'm sure if an equal number of women were polled, there maybe would have been a pretty high number as well... but i found this incredibly sad.
People go on their merry way, then all of a sudden one day hear "hey, it's over. it's not you, it's me..." literally out of nowhere, and then while they are blown away by the surprise two days later she (or he) moves in ... if people are unhappy, can't they end what they are in first before actively looking? It just seems so many more divorces would go better if this happened. It's honest and respectful anyways...
(in my very humble opinion) | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:20:59 AM | I filed for divorce from my ex-wife. And if I knew then what I know now, I would have filed 5 years sooner. But the thing is, divorce costs so much. That's because it's worth it, & most men don't realize that. So, that's my guess as why women end the marriage first.    | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 3/12/2009 9:51:59 AM | | I filed for mine (although mine was a dissolution) from my ex husband because he asked for the divorce. He met a gal and decided he wanted to make a go of it with her so.... and I knew if I let him file, he's muck it all up! The dissolution was MUCH MUCH cheaper as we agreed on everything from the houses, the cars, the furniture, kids, even the pots and pans. In the end I got the kids and their beds and our clothes.. he got the rest. All in all, I'd say it was a pretty fair deal. | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 3/12/2009 11:07:07 AM | my son is going through a divorce right now.
he is 24 and she is 23 and they have been together since they were 16 and 17 but only married 2 1/2 yrs.
he loved her probably as deeply as anyone could ever love.
she cheated, they have no real property or assets and there are no children. they're young and have nothing.
so, because she cheated, it's like if she doesn't want the marriage, let her file a non-contested divorce.
she filed and.............
so far, it's working.
should be divorced by june of this year.....i'm happy for him and he's moving on.... | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 3/12/2009 11:16:57 AM | | In my divorce I was the one who left the family home and asked for the divorce... however he paid for it! | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 3/12/2009 12:25:31 PM | I filed for divorce from my first wife. Second marriage ended in death.
My first relationship was with a woman that had been married 6 times, and she had 3 failed relationships before me! As I dated others I've found it's not uncommon to find women that have been married 4 times.
OK, for one reason or another divorces happen. But when do you look at someone and say hey, this sounds more like a pattern?
Me, I've decided if they've been married more than 3 times, well...not for me! | |
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| Calling All Divorcees
Posted: 3/12/2009 1:12:10 PM | | My ex is the one that filed for our divorce. I had no idea he was thinking of getting a divorce. I had just had minor surgery and was recovering at my mom's house when he told me over the phone. I had called him to see if he was coming to visit me band he said no that he had been thinking while I was in the hospital and at my mom's and that he wanted a divorce. Yes I had cheated on him, but that had been going on for several years. He was not giving me any attenti0n so I told him I would get it someplace else. | |
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