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raceme
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Joined: 12/20/2008
Msg: 26 | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/23/2009 3:13:37 AM |
Did you feel sad and hope you were doing the right thing?
I always feel bad when I have to end a relationship....for whatever reason.
If you two aren't compatible, it's best to search for someone who is.
Everyone lives with regrets.
Having confidence in your decisions will make them easier to accept.
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/23/2009 4:21:55 AM | | Actually, I have run across this a few times this week.! It does suck to have a mental connection to them, but the physical attraction is not there.! I agree that we have to have that spark, that little thing that says'''''''yay,, he looks good and is smart''''.!! It all boils down to chemistry.!! Almost the star crossed lovers thing,, !!! I just tell them that we could be email friends and that was about it.! I am honest with them, and that makes things a little better I hope.!! Ok, hope everyone eventually finds what they are looking for,, good luck fishing.... | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/23/2009 5:40:51 AM | | If I cannot see myself having sex with them, and I can tell this within 1 minute, (no joke) it is just simply not going to happen. You cannot force yourself to be attracted to someone, nor should we want too(imagine what a mess this world would be). One time, I tried that in my mind. I had met someone, he had all the "right things" going for him but physically, I was just not interested. All I had to do was invision it, and it just was NOT going to happen. There has to be an overall chemistry. Like one friend of mine told me once, he questions my judgement and why I never seem to meet anyone. My response to him was I do not settle. He is one of these men who can fool around with someone here and there and be fine with it. Even if he is not attracted to them. For me, intimacy requires a whole lot more than what they have on paper. So no, I do NOT struggle with this example you gave. You either want them, or you do not. Simple as that. I would rather be alone, to be honest. I am also a VERY physical/visual person. I admit it. If I cannot see my legs wrapped around the mans neck, I will take a dinner date NO further. Plain and simple. | |
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~tag~
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Joined: 2/7/2008
Msg: 31 | |
| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/23/2009 5:54:06 AM | I've run across of few of these guys. The last one was an absolute sweetheart - but he just couldn't be MY sweetheart. I couldn't do it - and I knew within 20 minutes of meeting him. Usually it doesn't take THAT long - but I was trying to talk myself into it - but I couldn't. How could you do that to someone? You'd be wasting their time. If you cut them lose, the next person they trip over could be the perfect one for them - but if you latch on, you might be messing them up to not meet the right one.
I can generally tell within just a matter of moments whether it's going to get off the ground or not - telling if it'll crash and burn once it's off the ground is another matter entirely - but - if you're a good person, and they're a good person, why screw with them like that and tie them up emotionally?
And yes - then I would give the loud sigh as I would drive myself home - the sigh that says "well, he was great - how many more of those could there possibly be left in this @$%**#@ town? I hope the next one is the right one".
I've got to feel the 'ZING' of the whole package. Luckily, the very next guy, I felt it. See what happens when you do unselfish acts of kindness? | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/23/2009 6:43:45 AM | WOW
This reminded me of soemthing VERY simialr, but different
Went out of town after the divorce, to school for my job. It was about 80 miles from home. I was on match and did some work and got a date! This guy was .......................like wow man. Successful businessman, a few years younger. Handsome, literate, funny, a widower with an 8 yr old daughter, family man, we connected. he was the perfect gentleman. yes, I even had him up to my hotel room, and all we did was kiss. he even messaged me later to say that I could wrinkle his shirt any time.
Sigh.
That was wonderful, for my ego as well, after the battering of the divorce, and all.
BUT:
I got an email, that said: I saw beautiful, funny, sexy, smart, and I forgot all about too far.
Sweet, but for him, it wouldn't work, and so.............
He became a sweet dating memory(I can still smell his cologne) and remember him telling me that if he didn't leave he would devour me.
OH.... I forgot He took me to a SUPER expensive, totally quiet, romantic Italian restaurant, complete with wine waiter, etc. I remember we fought over the biggest piece of Tiramasu (kiddingly) . So, a total stranger, yet he told me he wanted me to have a night that would make me forget about taking the driving test and backing through cones(I deliver mail). Dang it, maybe I should move. I HAVE to admit, I had a thought once about getting dolled up and showing up at his business......just "to see" if he had met anyone yet. Never went though.
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/23/2009 3:55:02 PM | Oh GAWD YES, I went out a few times with this older man I work with. He's very sweet, even tempered, likes kids, works , has his own house, funny and we get along great. That being said , I just cant picture myself being romantic with him. I like him for what he is on the inside but I'm not physically attracted to him and it makes me mad. I wish there were a shot the doctor could give you to make you attracted to someone who will treat you like a princess. I'd do it. Maybe then I'd stop being with looooooozerrrrsss... | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/23/2009 8:31:37 PM | I can see occasionally where what we view as perfect on paper may not align with how we actually feel. There are simply too many variables in attraction to account for everything. If this is something that happens frequently, you might need to be more honest with yourself about what you actually want.
Someone might have on paper that being well read is very important, and that looks are not that important. If you continually find well read people, but just aren't attracted to them, you might need to rephrase your model of perfection. Perhaps being well read isn't nearly as important as looks, if you are honest with yourself.
I've seen many people I know claim to have a specific type that they date. Countless failed relationships with people from that type isn't enough to convince them to reexamine their type.
I think anytime we find someone who we think would be perfect for us, but simply isn't should be used as an opportunity to update our criteria for perfection. It would definitely help to hone in on what we actually want. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/23/2009 10:00:29 PM | This is the difference in a friendship and a love interest. If one or both of you can't imagine yourself in bed with the other but everything else has fallen into place then there is no reason why you still can't hang out together and have some good times.
It happens to me all the time, I have a lot of female friends yet I am always the friend, never the boyfriend. Guess I just don't have enough sex appeal, hmmmm, I think I'll shut up now, I'm suddenly depressed..  | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/24/2009 9:11:44 AM | Last year, I dated a guy for five months who I genuniely loved, and still do. He was great, smart, funny, "got" me, treated me great, was on the same page in terms of political views, values, goals, etc. But as much as I cared for him, I felt no physical attraction to him whatsoever. In short, he was morbidly obese. He had loads of health problems as a result. As much as I tried to look past this, it just wasn't there. It was very sad, but it's a fact of life in the dating world. ]['= | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/24/2009 2:27:07 PM | | Yes, I go through this from time to time. It is very frustrating. I just parted ways with a guy that was perfect for me, he was educated, financially in good shape, physically fit, fairly good looking, funny, nice and a decent lover (hey, I took a test drive), he really liked me but I just felt NOTHING. He stayed over at my once house and I knew it would never work, because I just felt like screaming "get out!!", I couldn't wait for him to leave. It really sucked, I wanted to like the guy, dated him for like two months, then did the test drive thing...I certainly gave things the college try. I am with an earlier poster who stated that "it" had to be there from the get go. I agree with that, for me at least. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/24/2009 3:35:20 PM |
Yet thru whatever circumstances - such as them not looking as good as their pictures, or whatever - you just can't seem to feel a physical attraction to them.
If that happens, then you haven't been honest with yourself regarding your idea of perfection. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/24/2009 3:50:30 PM | If the attraction isn't there, the relationship won't happen. This happened to me a few years ago. At first I was attracted because he was so 'together' versus the previous BF. He had no glaring issues. He was good looking, treated me like a queen, great job, great dad, MBA, my mom liked him, etc. But he didn't make my heart sing and I felt guilty for not falling for him. I did love him but was not "in love" with him. There is a huge difference there. I finally ended things when I realized that I needed the lust factor IN ADDITION TO the Perfect On Paper attributes.
I know I did the right thing he found a the perfect woman for him and they married this past summer . | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/25/2009 12:06:11 PM |
Let's say you run across someone who just seems almost perfect on paper: they work hard, are together, are completely single, responsible, ready to commit, and they like YOU a lot.
Yet thru whatever circumstances - such as them not looking as good as their pictures, or whatever - you just can't seem to feel a physical attraction to them. I always wish I would be attracted to them. It's not about looks even - something tiny in speech, smell, manners turn you off totally and you can't help.
You understand with your brain that he'd be perfect for you if you only could feel attracted sexually.
BTW, totally opposite thing happens as well. You have wild chemistry, but you understand he is not what you are looking for. .....and then your brain try to justify your choice. Well, this case is much better, because you end up at least with great sex | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 1/26/2009 2:07:55 PM | This is such a good thread. I met someone for coffee last week and he is SO NICE. Kind, gentle, etc etc. And I didn't feel a thing, and doubt I will.
I've said I will meet him again cos he asked, but part of me is already thinking I'm leading him on... That I am doing that Nice Guy thing men hate. That I am expecting too much. All those things - I give myself the pep talks all the time. I'm even reading this thread thinking, "Aha, is THIS why we're all single? Cos we are all still holding out for that romantic dream?"
Some of my friends say I'm picky. Well, they're right. I am.
There are lots of really nice guys out there. I can't shake the feeling that I will actually be sexually attracted to one of them sooner or later!
However I am a little wary, cos I do have a history of liking emotionally unavailable men. This reflects my relationship with my Dad I guess, who was away working a lot. I now know that I deserve and need someone who IS available for me. That's why I said I'd see this guy again. I feel I do risk ruling people out too early.
Trouble is, the only time I've ignored my gut feeling and stuck with a man longer than I really wanted, he turned out to be everything my gut had told me! So that has made me really wary of ignoring that need for Chemistry...
I've heard it CAN develop. Certainly in the past I have developed feelings for friends. I suppose the pressure is different when you meet with the agenda of 'Could we be lovers?'
Does anybody have experience of sticking with it and finding the spark came after all? | |
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x-JD-x
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Joined: 1/14/2009
Msg: 44 | |
| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:20:36 PM | | Call it shallow, call it whatever- but if I don't find someone attractive, and can't imagine having sex with them, I can't do "it". Someone can be a great person, and looks certainly aren't everything at all, but, if you're not at all attracted to them it's unlikely to work out well. Maybe it can do for some, but for me...nope. And, when I say attracted to, I'm not expecting them to look like Johnny Depp either (atlough that would be very nice .;)) But, there has got to be some physical attraction for me. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:55:11 PM | Oh, gosh. I could be the OP for this thread, and I'm sort of glad to read others' responses. I feel guilty, but not quite as bad as before.
I am facing this very same situation, and I don't know what to do. On the one hand...heaven knows I am not getting any younger, and maybe it is time for me to settle down after being a "bachelorette" for 46 years. On the other hand...this person with whom I have gone out on a few dates hasn't "rung any chimes" as yet. VERY nice, a gentleman, etc. -- but I am not feeling that spark (and I am afraid he is, with me.) I totally identify with wickedlovely, Speranza, and others. I also have a history of liking the unavailable men, and I would very much like to break that pattern.
Good heavens. Do you think it's possible to have everything, all at once? In other words, the person who is single, available, rocks your world completely, and you rock his/her world? Give me some hope here, fellow POFers! (I am being slightly facetious, but mainly serious!) Should I continue to give it a chance? Try to be friends? Face the reality that I am a commitmentphobe, and probably a future crazy cat lady because I want it all? | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 2/1/2009 3:00:42 PM |
I am facing this very same situation... Me too, at the moment. I want to feel something, and feel nothing other than he is a nice person, fun, even attractive...but I feel no spark, nothing. Like someone has said, if you can't imagine being intimate with him...well, that's it.  | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 2/1/2009 3:42:14 PM | Chemistry has to be there.
You may suit me excellently "on paper" or in theory but if we just are not clicking and I am not attracted....then sorry.
I have my criteria that I may look for;however, the part I can't control is the chemistry. I would give it more than one shot but you can't force chemistry.
I need a mixture of the character and other personal characteristics as well as chemistry in order to form a relationship. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 2/1/2009 5:27:28 PM | | I agree with the poster above. It's a strange thing attraction. Some people you meet and you're just utterly drawn towards them. I've met a few people whom are just fantastic, the type youd be lucky to have a relationship with. But for whatever reason there just isn't that spark. Hell it's not just about looks their they can be really cute. I dunno what it is. In my case we just become awesome buddies. Which is sometimes better than a relationship. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 2/1/2009 9:20:04 PM | | This happened 2x's to me. Huge regrets! And as I look back I realized I was so foolish. What was I thinking? I know it takes us women a while to "warm up", but I quess this goes for everything. But also, maybe they should had been more assertive while being cautious, by that time you get tired of being observed and then it may be too late. With all that observing they can speak. | |
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