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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:04:10 AM | we are all perfect on paper and otherwise
just not perfect for each other all of the time.
have you ever experienced this?
One person will 'find' reasons to reject you.....your loooks, what ever...(usually, after they've already tapped ya) haaa.
and another, will be gaga over you just as you are.
you know , if you don't got your groove goin on over there....bring it over here...
and if it ain't workin' over here...take it over there....
eventually, playing this kind of roulette, you may get lucky for a minit. who knows??
Kimbo **************************************** | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 2/2/2009 6:29:26 AM | | I understand what your talking about Spider. You cant make yourself love someone, just because they're nice. I have tried to do just that. I liked him, and at one point thought it could grow into something more, but over time, I only felt irritated, he was always here, and doing things he thought I needed done. I couldnt miss him, cause he was always here. He had a lot of clothes and personal items at my house, like he was moved in. I was told by him "I'm coming over tonight" time and again, like I had no say so in it. I began to get resentful, to the point where I didnt want him here at all, and resented all the phone calls. I caught him in a lie and ended it, like the lie was the reason, but it was only part of it. Maybe Ive been single for so long, anyone would be an intrusion. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/28/2009 9:49:48 PM | Yes, happens to people all the time. This one guy I only like as friend, like a brother, we share the interest of photography and he would take me to the alter the next day if he had his way. There is only one promblem, I am not attractive to him physically or emotionally attractive to him in a romantic way. I tell him we are freinds only, buddies like guys. He tells me " call it want you like. " I want to be your boyfriend." I tell him no, our realtionship will not go in that direction. He says he loves me all the time. I telll him I love you like a brother thats is it! he even would like me to get an apt. with him after he sales his house. I told him I do bettter living alone. I am blunt and tell I don't want a boyfreind.
I may have to end the friendship because he is getting to attached to me in the wrong way. He is a real nice guy but I feel nothing for him in that romatic way. I hate to lose him as friend because he is very knowledgable with photogrpahy and take cool pictures of me and he is a nice person. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/28/2009 9:52:00 PM | | Good luck, this giy can not get though his head I only like him as fiend, nothing sexually, or romantically. He told me he gets along with Tom boys, i told him I am not a tomboy so you can like me then. He then tells me he will make an exception for me because i am sexy and pretty. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/29/2009 3:09:07 AM | I can totally relate. I ended up married to someone whom I was not physically attracted to thinking that with more time it would happen ( because he was perfect on paper) For the 14 years we were married , it never changed.
At this point, the physical desire has to be there from the beginning. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/29/2009 3:40:51 AM | There has to be something , just SOMETHING in a man's face that does it for me. He doesn't have to be handsome, it's just that I look for something that I personally find attractive. It can be a smile, soft eyes..
If there isn't then there's no chemistry. I can't fall in love with someone I don't feel attracted to. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:27:42 AM | | For me, the physical attraction aspect isn't important. So if I dated someone who was right for me in terms of interests and personality and we got along well and all, I'd continue seeing her and let an emotional attachment develop. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:57:03 AM |
LadyLinda posted:
I can totally relate. I ended up married to someone whom I was not physically attracted to thinking that with more time it would happen ( because he was perfect on paper) For the 14 years we were married , it never changed.
At this point, the physical desire has to be there from the beginning.
I have no intention of picking on you specifically Linda, but those kind of statements give me shivers down my spine as far as women are concerned, e.g. marrying a man that seems "good enough" even if you were never really into him in the first place (Note: the previous and all further uses of the word "you" refer to women in general, not the specific poster LadyLinda, whom I have no grudge against).
I feel sorry for dudes that blindly-walk into this situation, as had you told him you never found him attractive I'm fairly certain he wouldn't have asked you to marry him, let alone invest years of his life unless he had self-esteem / dependency issues... 
You don't "end up" married to someone you have no physical attraction to - you CHOSE to marry them despite your lack of attraction, and while some online folk may praise that as "looking past the physical", I condemn it as "self-absorbed arrogance". I say arrogance, for assuming that you needed to coddle them and pretend to be attracted to them to "spare their feelings", when somewhere in part you were probably just too scared to let them go and perhaps be happy elsewhere. It's like a kid hoarding a toy they don't really want just because they don't want the other kids in the playground to have a crack at it.
This whole thread just makes me sad in general...  | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:12:55 AM | Sadly you may never find someone who is as good on the inside and has such wonderful qualities to offer.
But if you are not sexually attracted to them you will never make them happy and you will never be truly happy.
I think we have all been there on both sides of that fence. I had a friend who expressed her feelings for me, sadly she was just so un godly fugly that even viagra would not have helped to get me in the mood to be with her physicaly.
Despite all my efforts to salvage the friends only aspect she wound up feeling hurt when she saw there was no hope and i lost an amazing friend.
I've been on the other side of that also being the one who was not attractive enough for a good friend, but i had great qualities ans she wanted to keep our friendship. I did stay friends with her but realized that i needed more in my life than she could offer in a friendship so i started dating, once i had found someone she got jealous and possessive. So i ended our friendship because i saw she was just playing games.
It's just a simple matter of finding someone you are attracted to first for what's on the outside then hope they can match their outer beauty with great inner beauty, it's not shallow just the law of human nature. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/29/2009 12:34:27 PM | There are those who will compromise or settle into “good enough” with hopes for a better future and those who won’t. I see nothing wrong with wanting as much as you care to have even if you wait, but, if you wait, it’s your responsibility for that decision.
Then again, there are those who will whine because they didn’t get picked and instead of finding what it is that they really want, allow those who did the rejecting to define who they are. They get all pissed and call the rejecter selfish, superficial and simple minded because they didn’t see what they really were. Maybe they saw it earlier than you and fled dodge before the pity really started.
I have had those that seemed good in a lot of ways but missed something and I have had those who I was attracted to yet couldn’t meet on different plains, such is life and I will remain searching for what it is that I want and I won’t apologize for it. Disappointed at times? Sure I am, but every time I go through it, I learn a little more. What I seek is in a never ending state of flux, I’m not that rigid and when it all comes together, I will run with it and the flaws that come with it. Some flaws I can live with, others I can’t, that’s my decision. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:07:51 PM | OP, that's one reason I like to meet as soon as possible because as so many others said before me - if I can't see making mad passionate fall-off-the-bed love with him then the most we'll be is 'friends' no matter how perfect-for-me he looked on paper.
there are those who will whine because they didn’t get picked and instead of finding what it is that they really want, allow those who did the rejecting to define who they are. They get all pissed and call the rejecter selfish, superficial and simple minded because they didn’t see what they really were. Maybe they saw it earlier than you and fled dodge before the pity really started.
I have had those that seemed good in a lot of ways but missed something and I have had those who I was attracted to yet couldn’t meet on different plains, such is life and I will remain searching for what it is that I want and I won’t apologize for it. Disappointed at times? Sure I am, but every time I go through it, I learn a little more. What I seek is in a never ending state of flux, I’m not that rigid and when it all comes together, I will run with it and the flaws that come with it. Some flaws I can live with, others I can’t, that’s my decision.
I don't know what the package will look like but I know what it must contain. No settling. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:44:48 AM | I think we've all been there. But remember, looks change (usually get worse) over time, people's experience, internal qualities and values don't. We're all going to get old, gray and wrinkled. Also, as we get older we all get less fertile, so as time goes on and as we wait for perfection, that element becomes more removed also.
Have we forgot why we call the man the "Groom" at a wedding? Because grooming is part of courtship. Grooming doesnt come without change. How would you feel after you had spent your time with someone who made you into a better person? Pretty amazing I bet. Hard to pass up isnt it? The chance to experience that doesnt come without prioritizing someone's internal values, and your closeness will develop over time. "Close" and "Intimate" with a stranger you just met 15 minutes ago? Asking for trouble and failiure. Honestly, how can you possibly know if you're right for someone that quick? If you base everything on perfect looks and sex the first meeting, chances are it will be a very very long time before you ever get to that point, probably longer than you have days left.
I guess maybe I'm old fashioned like that, but old fashioned wasnt so bad in that respect when we consider how much longer people stayed together back then. They didnt get there by insisting on perfect looks and sex(ual desire) on first meeting.
One of the qualities I value though is health and their attitude toward health, and a person's level of health can be evident in many ways without ever seeing their medical records. For me there's no mark for visual perfection but I can tell if someone pays attention to their health or not.
Also beware of the person who likes you "alot" quickly -isnt that lust or infatuation?, its probably based on just looks and they have no clue how good or bad you are for them. Refresh back to the "looks get worse over the years" reminder, and maybe you can start to see what I mean, even if you don't agree :) . | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:14:43 AM |
Also beware of the person who likes you "alot" quickly -isnt that lust or infatuation?, its probably based on just looks and they have no clue how good or bad you are for them. Refresh back to the "looks get worse over the years" reminder, and maybe you can start to see what I mean, even if you don't agree :) .
While I agree with this on a base level, for a lot of people, it’s grasping at illusions. There are those who see further and those are the ones who know that perfection is an illusion and know enough not to take a plunge where one shouldn’t be taking one. Those people who are sometimes accused of being to picky aren’t always being too picky, they are just not picking what is not good for them. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:07:58 PM | | I've recently been the other side of this conversation. Met someone on POF, we emailed, IM'd, text'd each other for a while, met for a date and got along well, I felt attraction but after hanging out a couple days later she realised that she didn't. We agreed to not try to force it and left that relationship there, though we do still chat as friends. She admitted to me that she really wishes she had felt the connection but it just wasn't there, and I'm content with what happened. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/30/2009 1:09:44 PM | my ex-girlfreind and I are good freinds  . I am the one who wanted to get married SHE did not . we have been freinds for so long . she has told me " if we got married we would not be as good a freinds . " we know what makes each other uncomfortable . we know each other . I do wish we could have been married . BUT , as she pointed out . all our freinds who got marrid are divorced . one who SHE said would get a divorce did . NOW those two . can not stand to see each other .  | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:54:58 PM | | Yes...he was a model from Toronto and evidently was asked to model here as well...he had the James Dean look without the bad boy attitude...he was perfect...such a sweety, total nice guy...just the conversation lacked...so it was kinda boring...he didn't stimulate me intellectually...very frustrating to not have the passion when he was such the perfect guy...hot as heck and so nice/kind. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:31:20 PM | | That was a little nasty to attack me like that. I stayed in the marriage because I thought that over time the attraction would not matter. He was a good man in so many ways....and I didn't realize that without that attraction it would eventually erode the marriage. Part of that is the way you are raised and the advice you recieve from your parents and friends on who is a good perspective mate. ( usually doesn't come up in conversation about how you feel towards someone sexually). It is possible to love them and not be attracted to them so I don't feel as if I wasted his time. He, of course always got what he needed....it was myself who did not. The ability of someone to be a good father, who they are as a person.....sometimes weighs heavier. But....like I said....over time...your priorities change on what you want from the relationship | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:17:52 AM | | Yep. I had a situation similar to this a couple months ago. I wanted to like him so bad bc he was SUCH a nice guy. But unfortunately there has to be sexual chemistry. It's not the most important part of a relationship, but it's still very important. You can't be with someone that you don't even want to kiss or be intimate with. lol. It's hard bc you don't want to hurt them, but it's for the best. | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:47:54 PM | | what I want is someone who I can't wait to see.....and touch. You may be right to some degree....I guess initially there was enough of an attraction....to say I do. I think it was mostly his family...not really him...His family is very prominent in my area....good solid people.I guess it was what I yearned for my life and felt like I wanted to be part of something. Everyone told me I was not in his league....in the looks department...socially etc.but I took the chance that I could overlook the fact I was not attracted to him physically or mentally | |
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| When You Aren't Attracted to Someone Who Seems Perfect For You
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:00:43 PM | | Yes OP I have struggled with this. I have a male friend of 15 years who is a great man. Good catch. Even good looking. He was madly in love with me when we first met, at work I might add. He would do anything for me to this day. He is still single and so am I. I have ZERO chemistry with him. I used to think : well maybe I should just marry him and live the good life?? Well I am glad I did not do this for know I realize the reason there is NO chemistry is we would not be compatable for the long haul. Although, he is a great friend!! And finally putting himself out there. He will make a good partner for someone and I can't wait to meet the lucky woman!! | |
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