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 Aligirl21
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 126
Do you guys think this is fair?Page 6 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
i am in individual counseling and i have been since i was 12!
His issues are bad too but everyone has a life before you meet them....before i met him i lived either at my parents house or i lived with friends on their couch....I didnt do anything but drugs.....and sleep alll day.....i have a life and have independence NOW after i met him. I know there is something wrong and unhealthy about my relationship or i wouldnt be trying to fix it.
I am a recovering drug addict and sex addict this is true, but that doesnt make me a bad person because i am getting better. I JUST RECENTLY got diagnosed with being bipolar. I have had a ****ed up past and i am taking the right steps to change that....Counseling and medication helps A LOT, but its up to me to fix the rest. I am proud of my accomplishments of getting sober/clean and getting past my PAST life.
I started this thread to try and get some info on what other people think about my situation not about people trying to "fix" me. Oh and you people really dont know so can how can u know im not ready for a family....I have a time line for having kids according to my DOCTOR i have pre-menopause so my chances of having kids is really low and the older i get the lower my chances get.
i am not a bot or whatever so think what you want.
 Schrodingers__Cat
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 127
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Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/24/2009 12:26:34 PM
Sorry, sweetie but I don't think this is a good enough reason to bring a child into the world/your life:

I have a time line for having kids according to my DOCTOR i have pre-menopause so my chances of having kids is really low and the older i get the lower my chances get.


I think it's an enormously selfish reason, in fact. I feel for you on that....and this is just my opinion....but I think it's often better to not procreate at all than to have a baby for the wrong reasons or before one is emotionally and psychologically stable enough to have and care for them. Lord knows that already happens all too frequently these days, often to the detriment of the children.

You keep talking about your bipolar diagnosis. Have you sought genetic counseling to see if it's even medically responsible for you to have a natural child? (Not accusing or judging or trying to "fix" you. Like I said in my earlier post, only YOU can do that. I'm just wanting to make sure you've thought it through with the help of people....professionals....who DO know you and your situation firsthand.)

Congrats on what you've accomplished so far....you SHOULD be proud!!!! But that doesn't mean you don't have a lot further to go. That's what *I* (only one person) think of your situation.

Instead of being so defensive and argumentative when people offer their thoughts in response to your posts, maybe you could give pause to think about the insights they have provided....and maybe even thank them for their input, since it gives you more to think about that you may not have thought about on your own??? After all, that is the mark of a psychologically stable and emotionally mature person.
 poker_fan_in_nyc
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 128
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Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/24/2009 12:37:14 PM
I started this thread to try and get some info on what other people think about my situation not about people trying to "fix" me


Your situation sucks...


Oh and you people really dont know so can how can u know im not ready for a family...


You're not ready for a family based on YOUR OWN COMMENTS here...you still have a lot of work to do to FIX YOURSELF FIRST...


...I have a time line for having kids according to my DOCTOR i have pre-menopause so my chances of having kids is really low and the older i get the lower my chances get...


Maybe that is g-d's way of telling you, you shouldn't have kids...
that is also not a reason to rush into a marriage with a man you describe...

P.S. Congrats on being a recovering drug addict and sex addict...that is a positive start...but you have a long way to go...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am not trying to bash either....

my brother is bi-polar...I am very familiar with this (plus I have a degree in psychology)...


 MY OH MY
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 129
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/24/2009 12:38:12 PM
Bi-polar is hereditary and it isn't fixed with a magic pill. You can actually get worse. I am NOT saying all bi-polar parents are not good parents or that they should not have had children or have, what I am saying is that someone recently diagnosed obviously from reading your responses and the short time frame of being sober, you are not ready and may not ever be ready to bring a child into the world. You aren't 100% with your partner and when anyone suggests that you shouldn't be together etc., you defend him. I can not imagine that your doctor would recommend you have children soon based on your medical history let alone your psychological history. You probably can not see how extreme your posts are, and I have doubts to the truth, but if they are the truth, you sure need to let your doctor know about what you have written here. I can not imagine them supporting your relationship with your bf or having children until you are stable and sober.

My intention is not to bash you OP, I am being serious. I was married to someone that is bi-polar and I know about his past, present, and future. I also know that had I know about his mother having it, I do not think I would have married him...
 vaxplant
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 130
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/24/2009 12:45:17 PM
Couples counseling isn't like individual counseling.

Both have to be willing to change for it to work, and there should be dramatic improvements within a month or so.

I see no evidence of either being true here. You need to move on, you need to get your own head straight, and your life in order before you even think about having a child.

This man has made it very clear that HIS wants and needs are what's important - not yours (either individually or collectively.)
 Jake_5
Joined: 1/20/2009
Msg: 131
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/24/2009 12:50:05 PM
I'm so sorry but I am nearly in tears with laughter! I think you need a nice mix raced man luv I do not think you will be complaining after that!
 Aligirl21
Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 132
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/24/2009 12:58:49 PM
im not going to not have children just because im bipolar my dad is bipolar and so is my grandmother they both had children or i wouldn't be here...both have IGNORED their issues have worked on none of them they have good jobs family and everything..... they never got counseling or anything no medication. I take what people give me but when they attack it hurts my feeling and i have a want to explain myself. i know i have a lot more work to do but i will have work to do on my emotional state until i die because bipolar never goes away and medication may not work. I cannot be on medications while im pregnant and nursing. I have accepted what God and my family have given me and what life has given me.
Oh and how do you know im not ready for children....you dont know me and im going to school to work with kids for the rest of my life.....i love children i know what it takes to take care of a child...no one is fully prepared for a child but i have helped raise one from birth, she had colic and allergies she has taught me how to be a good mother....im not a teenager i am an adult. I have raised animals from birth to death not the same as children but I always did everything needed to care for the animal or my man's child. I ready to bring a child into the world so i can love them,teach them,nurture them and them love me. They may get older and say they hate me, mess up, slow me down, drive me crazy but i will always make sure their needs(food,shelter,love, and stuff they want) are met even if i have to sacrifice a little or even a lot. I have a ton of family support, financially and emotionally(if and when i need it). i will never be emotionally "stable" it will be apart of me forever ! I am not saying i want to have a child with this current man! I want a stable healthy relationship before i have children.
 UrsulaMajor
Joined: 6/21/2008
Msg: 133
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/24/2009 3:41:14 PM
Ackkk, okay, you guys this thread has gone waayyyyyy off course, so let's rein it back in.

OP, your original question, is your boyfriend's sexual behavior fair? has been answered resoundingly "NO." He doesn't care if your satisfied, he chooses positions he knows are uncomfortable or even painful for you, he won't take any requests from you to help you achieve satisfaction, he claims you stink and that your vagina is too smelly for him to bother kissing even though you shave it and wash twice a day.

By his actions, he is saying you don't matter to him, your pleasure doesn't matter, your needs are unimportant, you're bad and smelly and not good enough for him to go down on. That is bad, that is wrong, it is cruel and it is PLAIN UNFAIR!

All the other stuff of your history and other issues aside: This is a BIG problem that can only erode your self-esteem further. This man needs to see how his actions are affecting you negatively and if he doesn't care and doesn't think he needs to change -- then he NEEDS TO GO.

This is not a person who will ever put your feelings before his own. This is not a person you will ever feel safe with and cherished by. This is not a person you can trust to be there when you need him.

You can do better.
 BuryCaesar
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 134
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/24/2009 3:45:34 PM
If your only getting off in missionary then he ain't doing the others right. And HELL no, it ain't fair. Beside the fool is missing out of the biggest turn there is. Looking into a woman's face with a look of absolute lust in it double the pleasure and can cause me to shoot a second load even if she already rung me dry.
 poker_fan_in_nyc
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 135
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Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/24/2009 3:49:31 PM

I am not saying i want to have a child with this current man! I want a stable healthy relationship before i have children


finally...some common sense
 goodone4ya
Joined: 10/12/2004
Msg: 136
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Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 11:35:56 AM
I myself have been to therapy cuz i had alot of anger issues coming up as a child.Theres a word that u will hear alot of when ur in therapy--its called codependency. You said yourself that smoked, sniffed, and drank. You admitted that u were single for 2 weeks before u got with this new dude. You need alone time-you need to lessen the seriousness of the relationship your in. Trust me you will feel better about it in the long run. Tell him not to come back until he's ready to eat some pu55y for an hr at least. Even if he does still back away from a serious relationship. You need time to heal ur own wounds-let yourself live for urself, u dont need a man to be whole.Your talkin about you want a family-but how could you think about raising a child with someone that dosent respect your feelings. After you had that child i can assure you things will only get worse between the both of you.Lets also be honest here-do you think this guy really wants a kid-sounds to me like he just uses you for a nut-you dont even live together. Also you said you know its love because when he touches you-you get tingly inside. Ali not trying to be**** or arogant but if we talked for a hr or two and i touched you-you would get the same feeling-the same goes for just about any man on here that posted on this thread. We already did more than ur current boyfriend's doing now (we considered ur feelings) just give urself a break. Back away from him-start having fun on ur own in and out of the bedroom-and just use him for sex-but on ur terms-if ya cant handle that-leave him. Lifes to short to be miserable
 lazmir
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 137
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 4:46:55 PM
I think this is just silly. For two people to be together they need to be compatable in almost every way, and that most deff includes sex. If you can not get off because he does not do what you like then yes its sex, but the real matter is communication. It might be hard to break up with him but get some good friends and do what u need to do.

On your other topic about being bipolar, i dunno if ur family was diagnosed correctly because as a person with it I can tell you that atleast once in a while you need something. My dad had it and didnt get help and was abusive and irrational. Before I got any help I would cut and burn myself and other loverly things. If you really think you are bipolar, get help.
 sarah6627
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 138
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 5:20:51 PM
You have been together a long time, you have been through alot, you want to be with him, that's been established. Ali, you obviously love this guy... but that is not the issue. There are many different kinds of love and to me the love you have for him and the love he has for you is very different.

You are not in a healthy relationship. If you want to shave your pubes, fine... but do it for yourself. Any man that won't touch you unless you do isn't a man. It seems to me that he tries to make you feel bad about yourself to pump up his own ego. He's trying to make it seem like its your fault that he's not a considerate lover.

You are only asking for one thing from him : orgasms. And it doesn't appear that he is even making an effort to give that to you. You obviously have alot of love to give and you should give it to a man who loves you back. Although breaking up with him will be very hard, its not just because of the sex. He just doesn't love and appreciate you the way he should. One day you'll find one who loves you and will go down on you just for the sake of putting a smile on your face. You'll find a man who loves every part of your body, who will kiss you all over and blow your mind in and out of the bedroom.
 ace28152
Joined: 1/12/2009
Msg: 139
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Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 6:57:36 PM
hell nnaaaaa, women should always come first ,not literally , me personally i like to go untill they cant take it anymore , and then most of the times i will still tear it up even harder. ACE
 Amie21
Joined: 3/17/2008
Msg: 140
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Posted: 1/26/2009 7:24:38 PM
In my opinion, bad sex is not enough reason to break up with a guy that you say you love. I know that is contrary to alot of the other posts. Sex is a wonderful thing, but it is fleeting. As your relationship progresses (if you stay together) you will have less and less sex probably. You are now 22, a student with no kids. that means you have extra time (if your not working a full time job AND going to school) and you don't have to schedule you sex life around when your child is asleep. Also, 2 1/2 years is still pretty new for a relationship. it is a hard time, the new has wore off and the settled in feel hasn't took hold yet. Examine some other aspects. You want kids, will he make a good dad? you want to settle down, does he want to travel? that kind of thing. If he is a perfect match in every other way, then don't just dump him over sex. that is crazy.
Also, try to see this from his point of view, a man does have a "hard" (excuse the pun) time getting hard again after shooting off once. I suggest a few other things
1. start watching some dirty movies or reading some erotica. that way, your mind is already in the right place when you start messing around
2. look into some other options, suggest an open relationship or swinging if you think he would go for it.
3. definately don't go down on him when he won't go down on you though. that isn't cool.
4. suggest him getting himself off or you getting him off in the morning, that way, he should be able to hold onto it longer that evening.
 KittenWithAQuip
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 141
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 7:27:22 PM
Try Co-Dependence Anonymous. And please stay with the counseling. This is a very unhealthy relationship, and not just in the bedroom!
 LonestarStar
Joined: 12/14/2008
Msg: 142
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 7:32:32 PM
What gives him the right to say you can't use a toy? Hello, he is your boyfriend, not your father. Time to grow up and act like a woman and make your own decisions.


You took the words right out of my mouth.


OP, He won't LET you use a toy? Grow some balls, woman.
You suffer because you CHOOSE to suffer. Why the hell do you even have sex with him if it isn't enjoyable? If you don't want to leave him, and you only enjoy masturbating, skip the sex and enjoy your toy! Let him only get off with his hand and see how he likes it.
But you won't because you'd be terrified he would leave you, right?
Unhealthy. Relationship.
WOMEN!!!!!!
 Meowkatt1
Joined: 5/13/2008
Msg: 143
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Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 7:41:08 PM
^^ It's not the bad sex that is the problem. It's his disregard of her feelings, needs, wants, comfort........ He would only treat a child like this or worse, although I doubt he would even stick around. I am questioning your family's diagnoses of bi polar. If you are all untreated & really bi-polar you chances of a "normal" calm ,stable life & keeping a good, long term job are pretty low. Have you all actually been diagnosed by a psychiatrist? My oldest daughter is bi-polar so I do have experience with the manifestations of it.
 twickery1
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 144
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 7:46:49 PM
OK. From an older guy's perspective. I must agree with most of the females.
You need to know when to say NO.
Excuse this analysis ladies, but ask him if he gets in his car and thrashes it when it's cold.
I bet the answer is no and thats because he has repect for the motor. He must have respect for you, as a person and as a female. Tell him he can't just dive in. Sex should be something that is enjoyed between two people. If your not enjoying it, why do it with him? You must become the dominant one and take charge of the moment. I know it should be equal but, he has to learn and you have to teach him. There are guys who love when there lady comes first. All the best
 flcntrygirl80
Joined: 4/22/2008
Msg: 145
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Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 8:01:15 PM
Hun, you have to look at the big, long-term picture here. He is a controlling man. Should he decide to take the step towards marriage, he shows classic domestic violence tendencies. He withholds your orgasms and only worries about his pleasure, won't "allow" you to use toys, you have to hide the fact that you masturbate.... he's a woman beater in the making. He's just working up the balls to actually take it to the next step. It also doesn't seem like you have real high self-esteem. You could do so much better. Are you sure that the "LOVE" you are professing for him is not just comfort and a fear of being alone or not having the comfort of a relationship, even a bad one?

Bottom line, leave his abusive, controlling ass and find a REAL man!!
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 146
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Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/26/2009 8:03:40 PM

OP, He won't LET you use a toy? Grow some balls, woman.

He's pathetic...
Hell, I think toys are great.... allows me to take a break once in awhile and they do add to the overall fun factor for my G/F....

He should be buying you the toys if he can' do the job himself!
 dmd47
Joined: 9/28/2008
Msg: 147
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Posted: 1/27/2009 6:30:17 AM
I very much think the same as flcntrygirl80. I might add that I am much older than either one of you and the love you talk about having for him is somewhat wrong. Most people do not understand what love is until they have been in several relationships and are much older. I have talked to 100's of women that tell me that they wish that they would have listened to their parents or someone that was older before they made huge mistakes. Do not get MARRIED. That would be the worst thing that you could do now. He has to grow up to understand that it is a 2 way street in a relationship. He must understand that your feelings have to be met along with his. It is a troubled relationship and if he doesn't want to change -- you need to get out of this relationship and move on. My god you are only 22 and you have your whole life ahead of you. Please try to make the most of it.
 Flittery
Joined: 5/23/2008
Msg: 148
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/27/2009 7:44:16 AM
Oh my, no, definitely not right on his part. Lazy and selfish. Won't "let" you use your toy? Pfft. Use it to bash him on the head.
 catkin2007
Joined: 12/18/2007
Msg: 149
Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/27/2009 7:52:32 AM
No its selfish... he and I would have a long hard talk about it...
 Incuubus2113
Joined: 12/8/2008
Msg: 150
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Do you guys think this is fair?
Posted: 1/27/2009 8:00:16 AM
I am still flabberghasted he doesn't wanna use a toy. He's obviously not a fan of the "Hey, I am gonna make you come really hard while I am inside of you with this toy," method. You know, like me.
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