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 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 26
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

I don't think it's appropriate for especially a married couple. What ever happened to commitment?


Your confusing sex (physical behavior) with emotional attachment. Commitment and extramarital relationships or extramarital sex can and do coexist. Commitment and sex are not mutually exclusive. How a relationship functions with or without a legal contract specifying legal protections ans rights is dependent on the individuals involved and how they have mutually negotiated the relationship.

Best,

ACP
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 27
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:46:57 AM
I would think that if you have aspirations to explore that lifestyle, doing it before you got married would be the best way to see how well it works for you. Do you really want to invest years into a marriage and throw it away if the reality turns out differently than it appears?
 seattlerain11
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 28
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:51:27 AM
Hi Chocolate Honey,

I always have to roll my eyes whenever a 'swinger' threat starts up... it seems the usual anti-swinger suspects always show up - NOT to answer your questions, but to reaffirm how *THEY* are not swingers and to show their disgust for anyone who thinks differently.

To answer your questions:
There a many dating couples who swing. If both individuals want it, it's perfectly normal.

I don't think the lifestyle is "more beneficial" for married couples over dating couples, especially if the dating couple is hoping for a long term relationship.

Swingers' ages vary from 18 to 70. I only think age plays a part in the lifestyle when looking for compatible couples, but that's true with most activities, isn't it?

I don't think 'secure with yourself' has a lot to do with age. There are plenty of 40-somethings in this thread who will NEVER be secure enough and there are 20-somethings who are perfectly fine with swinging.

I love those who are against swinging referring to their partners as if they are PROPERTY to be 'shared' or 'not shared' with other people... as if their partners have no say in it. Someone said they are too selfish to be a swinger. . . and they are 100% correct.

James, Port Orchard, Washington, USA, Earth
 MelloDLyn
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 29
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Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:21:05 AM
Sure why not? It just depends on the 2 people involved. U have to have an understanding and some ground rules before u do this. It doesn't matter if your married or not. No age does not play a factor at all. It seems to be people u would never imagine would do this. Mostly white collar people. If u are both with someone or in agreement then why not. It is not at all like you think. If you have more questions u can contact me direct and I would be glad to answer them the best I can.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 30
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:23:49 AM
Research on Alternative Lifestyles (ALS) of which, swinging is a subset , suggests, though not conclusively, is as likely to disrupt a relationship as it is to improve it. This was based on a study conducted by Indiana University in 2003. The reliability of the study is questionable when considering its methodology and I'm not sure of the validity of the survey instruments used without doing some more indepth review of the literature. The study was conducted at an ALS convention, which also brings the generalizability of the study into question since most individuals who are engaged in ALS as open due to societal perceptions and possible repercussions.

Swinging is definitely not a cure for a relationship that is in trouble. It won't fix what is broken.

As far as cheating goes, the research suggests that affairs occur because of unmet needs, primarily attention and attachment rather than sexual. Affairs that result in sexual interaction typically end soon because the sex changes the dynamics of the relationship and its purpose for coming into being. These tend to fizzle out very quickly. Those that are discovered during this phase by a spouse/partner and the partner flips out driving the other away might marry, however, those marriages resulting from affairs have a greater than 73% chance of failure within 5 years, whereas 67% of all 2nd marriages end in divorce, 87%% of all third marriages end in divorce, and 93% of all 4th marriages end in divorce within five years. from affairs in the U.S. (Divorce statistics from AllAboutfamilies.org and divorcerate.com)

Can swinging provide an alternative to divorce for married couples. Yes, and it has in some cases. As indicated, the chances of disrupting it are practically identical to the chance of swinging improving marriage based on the study conducted at I.U. In my work as a therapist, I've seen both and see it as an option for couples where both tend to have challenges with maintaining the social construct of marital sexual monogamy.

Couples, contractually obligated or not, should do due diligence when considering alternative lifestyles and perhaps seek a marriage and family therapist to work to identify and work through any potential land mines that might derail the relationship before jumping into the lifestyle. Research, interview, communicate, and develop your mutually negotiated rules of do's and don'ts for both partners before stepping into the life and be willing to have an open dialogue as new information is obtained and experience to renegotiate the rules of the relationship as it evolves within an ALS.

Best,

ACP
 RocknChik
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 31
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:24:02 AM
you said explore. Beneficial if only it helps them work out any problems they may have.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 32
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:34:46 AM
MelloDLyn,

Just FYI, I added you to my favorites to follow your posts. I enjoy and appreciate your commentary (agree/disagree), you do so articulately and with balance. Something not often observed and greatly appreciated by me. Sorry to notify you in the forum, however, your email settings prevent me from informing you privately.

Best,

ACP
 MelloDLyn
Joined: 10/25/2004
Msg: 33
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Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 2/7/2009 7:30:31 PM
Argentum Crinis Phibgus:
Thanks so much for your comment. I really appreciate it! I think because u have other relationhip on your profile u can't contact me. It was nice of you to take the time to say that! Hugs
 Lulu2201
Joined: 10/18/2008
Msg: 34
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/15/2009 12:38:51 PM
hey if you both comfortable why not
 Brandie60
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 35
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Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/15/2009 12:54:13 PM

When are you ever old enough or secure enough in a relationship to allow your mate to be intimate with someone else? I'd like to know.


How about never!

I simply cannot wrap my mind nor my heart around that, but I've heard that some allow this in order to keep their mate.

Brandie
 TrueScorp24
Joined: 2/21/2009
Msg: 36
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Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/15/2009 5:49:21 PM
Okay, so first of all it isn't fair that most of the people who are replying to this don't and have never been in a swing relationship. Of couse they are going to say it's not right, and they don't want to share their mate, that's why they don't do it. You have experience in the lifestyle and it sounds like need some reassurance. And it's not an age specific phenomenom to be a swinger. My boyfriend and I swing, I'm 24 and he's 32. Most of the couples who we encounter are in thier 30's somewhere, but definitely not all. For us, it's fun because it's just sex. You need to be able to differentiate between sex and emotions. Sex feels good, and there's a certain excitement when you're with a new partner, there's no lying about that. For us, we can keep the excitement going by not keeping the same couple (or single) for very long. Also, this way there's no chance of getting attached. We're still 100% committed to our relationship, and keep it totally away from our son.

Hope this helps
 Spoken For
Joined: 12/26/2007
Msg: 37
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Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/15/2009 6:03:21 PM
I think it's more appropriate for an unmarried couple, than it is for a married one...if you could ever consider it appropriate at all. It's definitely not for me, married, unmarried, whatever. I don't share nice with others.
 javabeast72
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 38
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/15/2009 7:27:40 PM
My take on this is that any woman who'd request I consider swinging, or who would consider it if I myself suggested it, or would consider even staying with a man in a relationship if he suggested it... has non-existant relationship worth or respect for herself, and would deserve to be immediately kicked to whatever the closest curb is.
 bunnyinvegas
Joined: 12/14/2008
Msg: 39
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/15/2009 7:45:05 PM
yes it is ok go for it cause it will bring out you guys naughty side and you will have no secrets and discover what you really like, swinging is not just for married couples besides most women who are open-minded with their spouse in the bed room get along better than those who are stuck-up and closed minded.
 ohio07
Joined: 12/27/2008
Msg: 40
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 10:41:20 AM
Do you love each other, do you trust each other, if your swinger mates tried to take you as a GF or a wife, would you refuse?

It's not for everyone, but as long as your love is deep and you two communicate, it could be done, and "work", but is highly unlikely. The older you are the better your odds.

Jealously is inevitable, the longer this continues. Rent or see "Seeing Other People" (movie) for hollywoods latest take on this.
 EyesWideOpen66
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 41
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 12:02:17 PM
Oh this is a whole new ball game. I think it all depends on the couple. Are you the kind of person who would not feel hurt or betrayed by it? Are you secure and confident enough? If not, is this a fun short term relationship or is this someone you're hoping to have a future with? It all depends on you and who you are as a person.
 asteliapuff39
Joined: 8/9/2007
Msg: 42
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 12:12:42 PM
first of all theres various types of swinging done in relationships and it depends what you want.
People see swinging and see it as "both partners doing others"
I think swinging should be left for people that are secure of their love and their loved ones love.
It has detroyed many marriages, and relationships if you are not sure, or if one or the other lies.
I personally have done it, but I prefer being with girls while my boyfriend watched, I wouldnt mind seeing him with other girls, because I know he loves me deeply. In the other hand, I know he is not one about to share me with another guy, and I am not into other guys... so a full swap would make our relationships a bit weird because its something that we have not agreed too.
We dont play in separate rooms either, we dont do it behind the others back.
It really comes down to you, do you think your man or you wont fall for the person you will be sexual with? is your love and issues strong enough to survive that? if the question is no to any of those, then stay away from it. The sex is not worth breaking a good relationship.
If you just want sex with others and its because of selfish reasons like "im bored of my current guy" then break up with him and go get your booty by yourself without dragging him into it.
juts my two cents :)
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 43
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Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 12:15:16 PM
So what happens if you try a venture into swinging.... And it doesn't work??????
It's not like you can un-fcuk the people you and your partner fcuk.... You cannot undo it. I think that's one of the things people forget about. Do you just accept it was a mistake and move on? What if only one of you thinks it's a mistake? What if your partner turns out to love the expereince and at the same time, you find it wasn't what you thought it would be, or you never want to try again....?
Or you loved it, and your partner hated it?
What if you're not as cool with seeing your partner getting fcuked by other people as you thought you would be?
Maybe you or your partner was more jealous than they thought they would be....?
Do you still respect your partner afterwards....? Does your partner still respect you?
Can your relationship survive, or did you just destroy it?
Now what? Continue? Or stop?
Can you fix this, or will this be a sore point for the rest of your relationship?
 asteliapuff39
Joined: 8/9/2007
Msg: 44
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 12:19:57 PM
m church

Why must you make it seem like it will be something that happens without ever saying no?
juts like everything, swinging has "stages"
if you see a guy kissing on your woman and you are not liking the feeling of it... you say "hey guys I dont feel comfortable" and things simply end right there.
if both go all the way and decided they didnt like it, then obviously they both had their share and why would it destroy their relationship if they both ried it and didnt enjoy it.
Its called being an adult and making adult decisions. If both had sex means they were enjoying the ride until the end, no need to be b!tching about it later.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 45
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Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 12:25:14 PM

Why must you make it seem like it will be something that happens without ever saying no

You're right...
Nothing ever goes wrong right? Ever?
Silly me...

 asteliapuff39
Joined: 8/9/2007
Msg: 46
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 12:27:48 PM
you read wrong
nothing happens if you say no.
things go wrong all the time regardless of time or place.
but if you have ever been in a position of swinging, the magic word is no, and the action stops without any hard feelings.
can you read clearly now?
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 47
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 2:26:41 PM
I've often found that 'swingers' are kind of creepy...and will use all kinds of positive statements to cover up the inner issues....

I also find it strange how some will agree that it’s 'ok' to do it whilst dating/relationship but NOT ok whilst you’re married, well hello! Since when does a piece of paper alter a person's sexual behavior? It's either in you or it's not, simple as that.
 matchew1980
Joined: 3/5/2004
Msg: 48
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 3:21:31 PM
I think it sounds great, i have no problem with the idea of sharing my partner, i wouldnt have a problem with her getting a foot massage from a masseuse, so i dont see the difference between a vagina massage and a foot massage, they both feel good, and she would be in love with my personality, so no problems there.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 49
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Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 3:26:31 PM
What would be the purpose in my having a mate if I'm going to be pawning him off on someone else?
 matchew1980
Joined: 3/5/2004
Msg: 50
Is the Swinger lifestyle appropriate for a couple that is not married?
Posted: 3/16/2009 3:28:28 PM
because he would love you, treat you like a princess, love you uncondtionally, bring you roses, whisper sweet nothings, all that bullshit. sounds pretty good to me.
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