|
|
|
|
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:09:27 PM | Can't think of anything to say except...
Get to know someone before sex or trouble will likely follow.
How long does that take?
I don't know. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:37:44 PM | wow, a cop saying he would assault someone, "I am not a rapist and if you ever said that to my face I would slap the shit out of you. "
There may have been someone accusing such many pages back,,but, not recently here,,looks like the guy just lost it..so much for him having dealt with his issues. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:54:32 PM | looks like the guy just lost
I'm not defending what this guy said about slapping somone. However, after reading this thread, reading where things he said were misintrepreted, a thread with is clearly a mob bullying attack on one person, it is not surprising he lost it. To the post who said some have not read all the posts, I read most if not all of them, and what I read over and over again are posts finding someway to twist and attack everything the OP said to fit an agenda of the wronged woman. He didn't decide he didn't want to continue a relationship because she was damaged, he didn't want to continue because they are both damaged from abuse and he thought it would not be unworkable. All those who are judging are apparently not people who have experienced abuse nor people who, having experienced abuse, tried to have a relationship with someone who also has. Walk a mile in another's shoes..... | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:57:48 PM | message 229 I made a remark about they'll give anyone a gun it appears re: his profession...I said who knows what really happened we don't have her side of things, he kept switching his excuses of why he didn't want to see her anymore..first it was the molestation thing...then she was a racist and then he didn't like her to begin with... then I said something along the line...FOR ALL WE KNOW, he might have held a gun to her head (or something along that line) and justifying himself in case she was to come out with some truth about what really happened that night or bad mouthing him around his town/city, or to cover his azz (reason for this thread)...I said for all we know...I didn't say he did...I crossed the line and shouldn't have said that tho.
just too many changes and too many justifications from him in my opinion | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 9:59:26 PM |
All those who are judging are apparently not people who have experienced abuse nor people who, having experienced abuse, tried to have a relationship with someone who also has. Walk a mile in another's shoes....
I have experienced abuse and it is my opinion that the OP is not being honest with HIMSELF. I don't judge him for that but it is so very clear by what he is saying and HOW he is saying it.
The OP was advised a couple of pages ago to just sit back and learn whatever he needed to from this experience but he seems to be more interested in fighting it. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:16:49 PM | I made a remark about they'll give anyone a gun it appears re: his profession...I said who knows what really happened we don't have her side of things, he kept switching his excuses of why he didn't want to see her anymore..first it was the molestation thing...then she was a racist and then he didn't like her to begin with... then I said something along the line...FOR ALL WE KNOW, he might have held a gun to her head (or something along that line) and justifying himself in case she was to come out with some truth about what really happened that night or bad mouthing him around his town/city, or to cover his azz (reason for this thread)...I said for all we know...I didn't say he did...I crossed the line and shouldn't have said that tho.
just too many changes and too many justifications from him in my opinion
You know, he mentioned a few times how he didn't want to write down every single detail about what his reasons were, what happened, etc. He gave us the bare-bones of what happened because he wanted advice, and provided the details over time as he felt the need to defend himself. Just because he didn't make a laundry list of everything that occurred, everything he felt and thought, doesn't mean he's just pulling things out of his butt as we go.
I agree with the post right above this one that I quoted. I would not have had anywhere near the patience the OP did before he freaked out. Honestly, I don't think anybody with a moderate amount of objectivity can look at this situation and decide he's an a-hole. Maybe he didn't handle things in the wisest way, but it's clear he has good intentions. What he did is done, so let's help him do something now.
God so much hate up in this business. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:50:01 PM | There are a lot of participants in this thread I would hate to be stuck in a lifeboat with.
 | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/4/2009 10:54:23 PM | | I think it's one of those situations where you REALLY have to follow your heart and make the choice you think is best for you. It's honorable that you've consulted or at least discussed like you are in this forum and my hats off to you. The reason why I even replied to your issue if the fact that I married a woman with the same type situation. I'll say up front, no one is perfect ala we ALL have issues to a degree but OMG. SHE HAD MAJOR ISSUES!!! And I'm sure your friend that you met had them too. IF not for the love, peace and grace that I experienced through my relationship with God/Jesus during that time, I'd never had made it. Ok ... I was living carnally beforehand and got her prego. Then I had a spiritual conversion around that time and knew /felt I needed to marry her. I didn't want to convert my message to you over to be about My lifes circumstances, but felt it necessary to bring understanding. OUR (as a family) going to church(religiously if you will) through the entire marriage ( and beyond for me) plus counseling/healing whatever did not help! Well... i retract, It MAY have helped us, but our marriage failed after 5 years anyway! I have a great son. I hope this helped in some small way IF you're still reading this discussion. p.s. like i said NONE of us are perfect and that includes me, you and Sally Sue, but I was her 4th marriage. My first and only one. She had been molested by her dad 25 years pryor to meeting me... Plus she went thru 4 marriages before me. It was a spiritual issue/stronghold that needed to be broken. It took years of counseling. I think you made a wise choice | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 4:42:04 AM | Op don't post anymore...You don't have to defend yourself.........You can't defend yourself from so many angry bitter women and one or two confused men, their opinions are not based in reality. They are purely driven by emotion and have zero objectivity......If the roles were reversed they would still find away to bash you, Just look at some of the forums here....Very predictable!!!....You were like a sapling to angry rabid beavers,they ate you alive you never stood a chance........
Props to those that don't apply every negative experience they had to someone elses situation............ | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 4:51:11 AM | Here's the thing.....
I'll say it yet again, the OP is 24. With time and age comes more wisdom. I don't think the OP has yet learned or was raised to "let things go".
Personally, if I had been him, I would not have been defending myself. I would not care, I would let the post stay and let everyone else ramble on. An adult understands people make mistakes and I have written things that I wasn't really keen on, but in the end result I didn't really care because I knew I was basically a good person. I have kept the same profile since I've been on here (except I had to put a space between my name when POF deleted my profile for some reason we never found out!) and I don't feel the need to hide because of my beliefs, I can't recall if I felt the same 15 years ago though. These people are strangers, how can each of us really really know each other just from forum postings?
It's hard to explain to someone much younger than you this concept of time, age and wisdom. Perhaps those that had very close relationships with elderly people may understand this more though.
I doubt that I was this "enlightened" in my 20's either. Not that I'm that enlightened now LOL!
I still think there was something here for the OP to learn. Heck, I have learned quite a bit since joining these forums, and they even helped to change my viewpoints on some things. I enjoy learning and growing that way very much. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:27:43 AM | If this woman wanted to look like a saint, she wouldn't have had sex with a random stranger and then open up about a history of abuse.
To me that just screams "Don't dump me I'm carrying severe emotional baggage and it will make you a****"
How you gonna say information like that on a first meeting is "a gift of knowledge" and not a "burden of truth."
I doubt anyone here would like it if I started sending them private messages about my emotional distress, most people wouldn't talk to me, but say we'd slept together... does that mean I now have at least a month, 2 months, a year of free amateur psychiatric help?
Honestly? What's he "supposed" to do in this situation? Besides, if she'd "opened up" about molestation after a 1 night stand (issues) what else could she have opened up about? I've known people like this, heck they aren't terrible people but they lack rational thought and good judgement sometimes... ok a lot of the time.
Oh and it's human instinct to defend oneself and one's honor when it's called into question. The fact is, if you defend yourself you look guilty, if you say nothing the silence is damning evidence. We all know socially it's guilty of whatever we can conjure up in our heads until proven beyond a shadow of a doubt otherwise. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 6:44:39 AM |
Oh and it's human instinct to defend oneself and one's honor when it's called into question.
Not always. As I said, I cared more about that when I was younger and it also depends on who is doing the action to make one defend themselves. If you read the thread about whether we all think our forum posts help us or not, you'll see that many of us don't give a flying fack and we don't get all hot under the collar trying to do so.
Many guilty folks will talk until they damn themselves in order to "defend" themselves. I've experienced this firsthand with others. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 6:57:35 AM | Hi OP,im afraid you are an a**hole and a big one.
Why would continuing your relationship not be healthy for you or her ?
Is she going to have too many issues for you to handle ?
I would break it off for her sake because she doesnt need an insensitive sh*t like you in her life.
TI | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:29:52 AM | You know I'd forgotten something until I glanced at one of the discussion threads. There' s a very good reason why people who are victims of abuse, rape, and insest are called survivors. It's because they have had the strength not to commit suicide due to the extreme senses of violation and selfworthlessness.
I'd been told last night-that someone who'd been abused didn't have bells and whistles sound off when they were touched. Spoken like a true turd! And one who has an opinion on everything, but no basis of fact.
There are bells and whistles that sound off when someone who's been abused is touched in a sexual manor. It would take a imbicle not to recognize the signals. So, how is it that this dumb a$$ cop, who is suppose to be so knowledgible in reading people, is not capable of seeing what were obvious signs?
It's cause he wanted to get laid! And he had no regard that he was doing exactly the thing that would harm this woman the most-he validated her sense of worthlessness. And he thinks that he can squirm his was out of his responsibility by pleading personal guilt. Bull$hit! | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:34:46 AM |
So, how is it that this dumb a$$ cop, who is suppose to be so knowledgible in reading people, is not capable of seeing what were obvious signs?
It's cause he wanted to get laid! And he had no regard that he was doing exactly the thing that would harm this woman the most-he validated her sense of worthlessness. And he thinks that he can squirm his was out of his responsibility by pleading personal guilt. It seems you have not read the post where he says he is also a victim/survivor of abuse and that he doesn't want to get involved because he doesn't think two abuse 'survivors' in a relationship is a good idea. I don't know why you are so vitriolic or why you are attacking this man in the manner you are. In another post you're portrayed yourself as somone who is sensitive and of good character, but a post like this one indicates something quite different. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:37:24 AM |
Hi OP,im afraid you are an a**hole and a big one.
Why would continuing your relationship not be healthy for you or her ?
Is she going to have too many issues for you to handle ?
I would break it off for her sake because she doesnt need an insensitive sh*t like you in her life.
TI
See the post directly above mine. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:39:36 AM | I met a girl last night and ended up having sex with her and she revealed to me some past issues regarding molestation. I am very aware of that type of situation and was very understanding, but I don't think that I should see her anymore because it would not be healthy for her or I, but I don't want to hurt her. I have never been that guy that doesn't return calls or just stops talking to a girl but I don't want to represent something that isn't going to happen. I just want to be as gentle as possible with her because I know how much courage and vulnerability it takes to tell someone that, and even though I don't know her that well I don't want to be insensitive. I don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?
Regardless of what anybody else did, or did not say, my response to the OP was that there isn't a way to do this gracefully and painlessly. There just ISN'T. This is one of these "Adventures in Modern Dating"fiasco situations where you just have to bite the bullet and accept that you screwed up and you are gonna be "the bad guy".
From a much later post by the OP;
The whole reason for this thread was how to tell this girl how it isn't going to work given all the factors
That's easy.You just do it.It ain't rocket science.
But I think what the OP really was looking for was some sort of comfort and absolution for the guilt HE was feeling. But most of us, for various reasons, could not in good conscience
give him that.And some posters had snap judgement/kneejerk reactions.And some pointed out that IT is possible to work through issues and have a functional relationship with someone who's experienced sexual trauma. So there was no way that a consensus of opinion was going to be achieved.
Personally I didn't consider the OP an asshat until he started with the adding on of excuses and the lashing out at other posters with lameass rationalizations. Had we all reassured him that first(and last)date sex was perfectly justified in this situation, he'd think we were all mighty fine and perceptive folks.
No 2Irish1, you're missing the point, you think every woman who has been abused will show the person signs they have been abused? if that was the case then the professionals at high school would of picked it up and have done something about it.
Anyone who has every touched, a woman who's been abused, knows right away, without having to be told, that she's been abused.
iceman and irish are both right...there ARE people who are exceptionally perceptive of body language,and very senstive to nonverbal cues. It's a gift not given to every person, but I'm sure that almost everyone knows some sort of "animal whisperer" or astonishingly intuitive person.
lived through sexual abuse too, and no that doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for me. I am a better person because of everything that I have went through.
Sorry, I can't 100% agree with that. I think the OP has NOT totally come to terms with his sexual trauma.For the most part I'm sure he does just fine,but I could see him having a pretty serious meltdown in certain situations. I see that Elvis has left the building, but if he comes back under a new ID and reads thi thread,I wish he would give some deep thought to getting help with his sexual trauma.I'm not any kind of professional,but his oversensitivity/overreacting,and some of his comments/choice of words seem out of whack to me.
don't think anybody with a moderate amount of objectivity can look at this situation and decide he's an a-hole I didn't at first,but I also could not say to him that there was some magic thought he could think, some magic words he could say,that would make him NOT be the bad guy. Sometimes in life, we have to make unpopular decisions or have unpleasant confrontations, and there just ain't a way to candy coat it.That's all I was trying to say to him. Of course, the fora being what they are,his topic pushed a few buttons for some folks. IT'S A FORUM, not a "Dear Abby" column.
I still don't think he's an asshat, but I do think the intensity of his reaction when he didn't get exactly what he wanted( because it doesn't exist) leads me to think that he's not as emotionally healthy as he thinks he is.
Cindy O | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:47:31 AM | | I agree with you Cindy, but just because his topic pushed some buttons doesn't mean people should lose their social graces. It's like the idea of dealing with each other with respect goes out the window because we're on the internet, whew. That's the nature of the beast, I guess. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:48:24 AM | You are right...I didn't read 11 pages of discussion thread. And certianly didn't see the discussion about OP's own abuse.
I am so vitriolic because, I'd seen, personally, the torment that my deceased spouse went thru because of her abuse. So, my thoughts on this subject are emotionally vested.
And when I see someone in a position of power (the defination of a rapist, abuser, incest precipitator) who is a man, a cop, and a person who even experienced abuse himself (as I now know) it raises my emotional dander. My senses of fair play, honor, integrity, morality are tweeked beyond reason. And it is because I am emotionally vested in this subject thread.
One who is a survivor never forgets-or gets over it. Unfortunately, I have read "The Courage To Heal: Survivors of Sexual Abuse."
Ask me about ALS and I'll be even more emotionally vested. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 10:51:34 AM | Sure, but the OP's experience isn't the same as yours and he's pretty clearly trying to do the right thing. A little encouragement is needed. If you'd read his posts, at least, you'd probably get a better sense of his character.
I always think people should use their personal experiences to help out with giving advice, but letting it control your view on things isn't the way! These things are subjective. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 11:22:20 AM | To mrcyrus,having now read the whole eleven pages plus the OPs previous threads i have to say i have not changed my mind at all on this one.As he said he has had many one night stands,fair enough if thats the way he wants to lead his life,but he has to be prepared for the consequences and trying to prove he is a good guy just doesnt wash.
TI | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 11:31:48 AM | I certainly think in this particular thread, he was goaded into a reaction. It doesn't excuse his reaction, and given maturity he will realize that he doesn't need to rise to the bait. If people want to make an @ss out of themselves at your expense, just shrug and walk away. (I did read the whole thread).
I am kinda curious though, if some people where aware that he still had issues, why in good consience would you keep pushing him?
I'm with you Cindy O, he made a couple of bad desicisons, it doesn't make him an @ss. And sometimes, I have prefered to let the other person think of me as a jerk, rather than hurt a person with the truth. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 11:36:48 AM | Looks like the OP took his toys and went home..
The level of emotional immaturity shown was quite low. Being a survivor and a cop he much MORE than others should knows the feelings and the statistics. He said 6 out 0f 10 women suffer abuse.
He does not want to be with another survivor, fine..but, he has to take the time needed to know the person..not just hop in the sack.
Seems they hand a badge and a gun to anyone these days. The way he went off talking of slapping someone if they accused him of being a rapist, shows such a lack of ability to control oneself.
If that happens on duty, what them , whip out the gun and shoot the accuser? Perhaps I need to arm myself against emotionally imbalanced cops.
 | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 12:02:41 PM | Ok,
My emotional vestivity is toned down now....I read all OP's posts.
BTW, I know that survivors have many different responses to their molestation, abuse, or incest. Still, OP should have seen the signs at the first sexual touch.
And if he didn't-he should have just walked on when he decided it wasn't his cup of tea. He certianly picked an emotional topic to discuss in public forum.
I can still remember, and I felt so lost for her suffering that I ended up marrying her. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/5/2009 12:26:06 PM |
To mrcyrus,having now read the whole eleven pages plus the OPs previous threads i have to say i have not changed my mind at all on this one.As he said he has had many one night stands,fair enough if thats the way he wants to lead his life,but he has to be prepared for the consequences and trying to prove he is a good guy just doesnt wash.
TI
Good people have one night stands. It is not someone's responsibility to make sure their partner is emotionally stable enough for one. A bad guy wouldn't have bothered to talk to the girl about not wanting to see her anymore, don't you see that? I see a clear distinction between the OP and what I would consider a 'bad' person.
Opie, OP was annoyed. He would not actually slap a person in real life if it wasn't warranted, I'm sure. To you, too, I want to say that good people have one night stands. If two people want to have sex and have no interest in getting to know each other first, that's their prerogative. He's my age, and we younguns are not exactly the most emotionally stable just yet. His intentions were clearly positive regarding this situation, so let's not judge him based on his reactions to all the flack he's received.
It's easy to criticize, I realize, but come on. | |
|
|
| Page 11 of 12
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 |
|
Home
login 
