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Posted: 2/6/2009 1:43:46 PM |
I'd been told last night-that someone who'd been abused didn't have bells and whistles sound off when they were touched. Spoken like a true turd! And one who has an opinion on everything, but no basis of fact.
There are bells and whistles that sound off when someone who's been abused is touched in a sexual manor. It would take a imbicle not to recognize the signals. So, how is it that this dumb a$$ cop, who is suppose to be so knowledgible in reading people, is not capable of seeing what were obvious signs?
Funny how we need to put our whole life in a post to have anything valid to say in a reply to a topic. Really not even a reply to a topic but a reply to an ass hat statement!
I know that survivors have many different responses to their molestation, abuse, or incest. Still, OP should have seen the signs at the first sexual touch.
Not everyone that has suffered such pains react the same. So to feel as though anyone who hasn't seen the signs before or was dealing with someone who did not display all the obvious signs should have known is just ridiculous!
I can still remember, and I felt so lost for her suffering that I ended up marrying her. I am so sure that you meant so much more then that statement offers! Your life with your wife doesn't make you any type of expert on this subject either. You where nothing more then a witness to the aftermath of one case. Not a survivor. Your generalizing is just as wrong as your condemning others. Especially before you even took the time to read all the information offered from the beginning of the thread! | |
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Posted: 2/6/2009 2:19:17 PM | my question is this...why the hell would she tell you something like that after your first night together?
I've had this happen too...everything's going well...nice evening...one thing leads to another and then while cuddling you become her shrink.
Not appropriate ladies...not at ALL!!!
In case you're wondering why...it's because something that personal isn't something you share the first night...unless you're trying to say "hey I feel kinda guilty about giving it up the first night and now I need to give you something to save me from so you'll actually stick around."
At least...that's been my experience... | |
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Posted: 8/10/2009 7:23:38 PM | | I agree, just because someone did u wrong, don't take it out on the next guy! | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 9:12:02 AM | Dude, sorry but IMO, you are an a**hole. This girl revealed her innermost personal secret to you and you want to dump her over it.
Being a physical abuse survivor, I have to say what happened to her is not her fault.
She'd be better off without someone like a user like you. | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 9:33:36 AM | Barbee, it sounds like an unfortunate circumstance, but if he is not ready to deal with these "issues" he is not required to. I would think he was an a**hole too, if she had confided in him and THEN he did the dirty deed with her, and decided to bail.
She took risks by having sex before getting to know the guy, and by revealing her innermost secret before getting to know the guy. I'm sure it will hurt her when he does not carry on with her, but that's (sad) life.
I just hope that the OP has the courage and ethics to tell her the truth - that he is not really ready for this situation.
Mme. C. | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 9:46:34 AM | Break off what...you nmet her last night...she spread her legs for you...and probably with every other guy before you...and probably that is the sob story she tells each one..to try to form an attachment....hmmm i could see where your confusion is to not be an a**hole to a really respectable girl... Wake Up  | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 9:58:29 AM | | Most of the women I know will admit (when asked in private) that they have been sexually abused at some point. I doubt if most of them have the "bells and whistles" referred to here. There is a big difference between somebody who talks about it openly and has worked through it and somebody who keeps it bottled up and does not deal with it. There is also a big difference in the way people think - some choose to remain victims while most become survivors. Most women and some men are survivors of sexual abuse - a few are victims for the rest of their lives. I worked with mental health patients for several years and there were many that actually chose to get better. A few have decided that they cant cope with a normal life, that "PTSD never gets better" (the most common and untrue mental health myth ever) and they are unable to deal with sex, relationships, etc. A relationship would not automatically be unhealthy because she was mollested. It sounds like you have far more of a problem than she does. | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 1:28:49 PM |
Dude, sorry but IMO, you are an a**hole. This girl revealed her innermost personal secret to you and you want to dump her over it.
Being a physical abuse survivor, I have to say what happened to her is not her fault.
Sorry about your past. However it doesn't entitle you to be an ***hole and calling others ***hole. Deal with your own emotional issue. Don't take it out on others. | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 1:54:51 PM | | dude you're fighting a losing battle...lol & you're gonna look like an "A Hole" no matter what the real story is so Just do what you're gonna do and stop asking stupid qeustions like " am i going to look like an a$$hole. | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 4:31:00 PM | | Nobodys perfect. At least she admits it and is willing to try to deal with it. So are you perfect? | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 7:33:07 PM | [It happened to me too, so I don't appreciate when people assume I don't know what it feels like to be in her situation, and how shitty of a person this would make me if I would jsut stop talking to her. But it would not be a healthy relationship, its just too painful for me, but I don't want to hurt her. I just don't know what to do.]
As to the above, how is it, then, that you had no problem jumping into bed with her? Are you intimating that it is more painful to lay with someone who has similar experiences to your own? Sounds fishy, to say the least.  | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 7:46:47 PM | you met her then had sex with her???
hmmm. that doesn't sound like you knew her all that well to begin with before even having sex with her.
besides all of that seeing she felt that comfy with you to reveal something like that after sleeping with you takes alot for a woman.
and now your going to dump her because of it.
kinda shady..... | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 8:21:28 PM | OP: Just because someone was molested does not mean they don't deserve, or are incapable of having, a decent relationship. If you feel the need to break it off chances are yes, you will look like an %$*. If you're trying to end it because she was molested, you may want to think twice.
She told you either because she feels safe with you (good), is trying to play some game (bad, very bad if she's using this subject as a game), or regrets sleeping with you because it brought back memories (in which case she still has things to work through and probably doesn't need abandonment added to that). | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 8:34:58 PM | | Survivors have trust issues cause the ones they trust are the ones who often do the abuse. This girl trusted you and you want to drop her like a hot potato. I don't see how we can learn to trust when those we open up to want to stick it to us. | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 9:12:33 PM | To whomever said "no wonder I hate nice guy threads, there is always an agenda." Exaaaactly! God that is so true. Most of the "nice guys" I know are bigger aholes than the rest of them, the rest of them at least aren't pretending to be something they're not. Nice guys are just as if not more selfish than everyone else
Don't break-up with her for "her benefit" - in fact, if you do, she may never open up to someone else again. I really think you are wrong to believe that it is in her interest to split up; in fact, it almost sounds like what you're saying is that a person who has been molested can't go on to have a healthy relationship - and that's definitely not true.
I second this. It is not up to you to tell someone else "what's good for them," as you really have no idea, do you? Just admit that you're just trying to do what's good for YOU, or rather, what's less of a burden, cause that's really what this is about. That's not necessarily a bad thing and it doesn't necessarily make you an ahole, but at least be honest with her about it and don't make her feel like you think you know what's best for her. You don't. | |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 9:25:33 PM | barbee1970 wrote:
Survivors have trust issues cause the ones they trust are the ones who often do the abuse. This girl trusted you and you want to drop her like a hot potato. I don't see how we can learn to trust when those we open up to want to stick it to us.
barbee, get real, this young lady has deep seated problems that need to be addressed. She had sex with a fella the same day she met him. Her problem is not one of trust, it's one of boundaries and self respect. And just in case anyone wants to ream me a new one for what sounds like a blanket statement, let me reiterate: you meet a stranger, you have sex with stranger that day, you have issues. But in the case of the young lady, because of her back ground she probably has a bit deeper issues to deal with. I hope that she gets the help that she needs to deal with it.
As for the OP, I don't have much kindness for him either.
TK | |
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Posted: 11/10/2009 5:59:28 PM | Well dumping her just for telling you something like that is already showing signs of being an ***hole sweetie... think about it? Why would you dump her for opening herself and sharing this with you? Has it made a difference in your relationship or the way she responds to you? If she is having trouble coming to terms with sex and relationships, then maybe she needs help. But if it's not affecting the sex or relationship, why would you use that as an excuse to dump her? I think you have other reasons to dump her and using this as an excuse. It doesn't make sense to me, sorry.
Why would you say it would not be healthy for her if you see her again? The 2 of you already had sex, so why create problems for the future? I think YOU are the one that can't deal with this, and trying to make it look like you are doing her a favour by getting out. Your whole story just does not make sense to me......she did nothing wrong. | |
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Posted: 11/10/2009 7:03:25 PM |
let me reiterate: you meet a stranger, you have sex with stranger that day, you have issues.
Sooooo, all those people I know who had one night stands with their husbands when they first met all have issues too?
Please, not this sexist crap again. | |
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