| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:37:29 PM | Im not sure how to reply to your thread apart from i really hope you have never experienced any form of physical mental or sexual child abuse.
Because if you had then im sure you be calling yourself a survivor | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:37:50 PM | | OP, was this a drunk event with a woman that you would never be seen in public with? Or was this with someone whom you like and the revelation of the news is sending you running in fear? | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:37:54 PM |
It happened to me too,
OP...it sounds as if you haven't worked through your issues. Two people who have been sexually abused in their past can go on to have healthy relationships if they are willing to address how the abuse has effected them and recognize their triggers.
If you don't want to be with the girl then don't blame it on both of your abuse histories. Take responsibility for the fact that you got what you wanted from her and now you want to move on. If you wanted to be in a relationship with her you would do what it takes to do so.
IMO...you should address your abuse issues otherwise you will never be in a healthy relationship with anyone.
Psssst is right...your gonna look like an A$$ no matter how/when you stop seeing her. Some things you just have to accept!  | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:38:41 PM |
I just know that in the end everyone would just get hurt. I didn't date for a long time, but no matter what I say to you people I am an ***hole right? I don't have any sort of obligations to someone I just met,
Not really sure why you think everyone will get hurt. You would think you two could relate to each other and be more sensitive to each others position.
You were the one that brought up looking like a ***hole right? Can you fault us for agreeing with you?
No you do not have an obligation to someone you just met. Just had sex with might be a different story unless you are the kind of guy that just f*cks and runs.
I just suck at relationships like most of the other people who date online.
Maybe you should use this as an opening line in your profile. | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:48:51 PM | RUN OP RUN.... Maybe you'll find someone else who has no issues, no problems, no drama, no baggage...And maybe a monkey will fall out ur assssss.... | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 2:48:55 PM | I'd have to ask the same questions as sweetness-one did in her last sentence, but add to it, did you tell her about your issue too?
I'm certainly not going to be judgemental as some posters have, and this is why!!!!
You met her for the first time and had sex, is that right? Well, where the hell is that icon? "shit happens" sex on a first date is just WRONG, unless both parties agree that's all it is! SEX! much different than making love! If you're not interested...let it go, if she needs an explanation, well, just admit that it was a mistake to have sex, appologize and wish her well.
Hell, maybe I should start a new post entitled "How many of you have had sex on the first date and realized it was wrong?" If people were honest, I'd bet an aweful lot would, whether it was booze, a re-bounder or whatever! Just move on and deal with your own issues, you can't fix some else...only they can!
Oh yeah, my first wife was sexually abused by her stepfather, and yes, it contributed to our marriage falling apart, so was my ex girl friend, god, I hate calling her my ex! | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 2:51:54 PM | I am a survivor. I don't need anyones pity and this isn't about that, it isn't I don't want to be with her because she was molested. Its I was, she was, and in my experience, it doesn't work when those two types of people get together. I probably shouldn't have slept with her. But things happen when two adults hang out sometimes.
This thread is about how do I tell this girl that I don't think this is going to work as a relationship because of mine and her past. The only reason the past comes up at ALL is because of how much worse it is to tell her I don't see a relationship happening because she trusted me enough to tell me. I don't understand why you people can't get that. Im NOT some jerk who sleeps with a girl who got molested and then say oh I dont want to be with you because you got molested but thanks for the ass. A one night stand is a one night stand, but because of what she revealed to me and I revealed to her its more complicated than that. She trusts me and likes me, and I think she is a very nice girl but I don't want to have a relationship with her, but I feel obligated to her because of what she told me and confided in me. I don't know how to put it plainer than that. | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 3:00:29 PM | Sorry OP I guess I missed that.
I don't see a relationship happening because she trusted me enough to tell me.
So someone trusting you is not relationship material. I think I missed that part in Life 101.
Go find yourself a woman that will not trust you. I am sure you can find a lot here on PoF. Whatever makes you happy. | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 3:00:54 PM | Relax OP! Things don’t just happen when two “adults” just hang out.
In your experience, it doesn’t work out when those two types of people get together? So how many times has this happened to you that you can make a general statement like that? Sometimes those are the best two people to get over it with.
So I will ask my question again, was this a quickie with someone that you wouldn’t want to be seen with, or are you running in fear because of the revelation of her past? It’s an important question in how we can help you?
You posted the question and you are not giving us the whole story, you haven’t from the beginning, that’s why this is getting ugly. We are not idiots, we have seen these kinds of posts before and we can smell when something isn’t right. If you want honest advice, than come clean with the facts or don’t ask the question. There is always a motive when you ask a half truthed question. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 3:10:51 PM | at least you can sleep at night now eh | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 3:19:29 PM | OP, I understand why you're hesitant to be with her. I think it's something easiest understood by those who been abused, such as me.
Sometimes being really close to someone who suffers from the same issues as you is just too overwhelming, depending on the stage you're at with dealing with your issues.
And if that is the case, I don't think you should make yourself try to be with her. But try to say something to her...that disappearing thing is too painful....and for me, it greatly replicates the abuse memories. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 3:22:10 PM | It happened to me too Do you think it possible that because you see yourself as "damaged" goods, you are looking for someone else to make you feel better about you. To make you feel acceptable, ok, not damaged. She cannot do this for you because you see her as "damaged" as well. She can't "upgrade" you so to speak. Although you two cannot be therapist for each other, you could be support to each other since you have experienced a similiar trauma in your lives.
Her past is irrelevant. It sounds as though you need therapy rather than dating. Yes, we all suck at times at on line dating and we all can probably benefit from some therapy. However, some suck more than others, and need a little more help.
Vash | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 3:26:59 PM | | Op, I think you are the one with the issues. She was obviously comfortable enough with you to share....and you plan now to do what? | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 3:30:58 PM | I talked to her a few times and decided to go to the bar with her, we hung out, we talked, we went back to her place, we slept together, and then we got talking. Call it a date where I slept with her first time meeting her or call it one night stand, if you need to have lables. I am not trying to attack anyone. I feel guilty saying I am not interested in her after she confided in me, because I know how much that hurts. I have never done that before. You are all entitled to your opinions of my moral character. I have been in relationships before with other survivors and I don't want to go through it again. The only reason this is difficult for me is because I understand her and her past and I don't want to hurt her, that's all.
If this was a normal situation I would have just said this isn't going to work that's that, but because of the stuff we talked about I don't know what to do. She's called me a few times today and we talked more and I just feel like a complete shit because I have no interest in persuing a relationship, but I still like her as a person. Its hard enough to tell someone you don't want to be in a relationship with them, but its even harder when you have shared your dark past with them, and they you. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 3:31:02 PM | | I really don't think you're reading all the replies, like mine. You're getting defensive, which we all know...the best defense is a good offense! just read the replies and digest...don't get offensive, because all you're doing is defending yourself, and in a public forum which this is...that won't work, but self help will! Isn't that what you asked for...help? | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 3:31:34 PM | Are you a fortune teller? How the hell do you KNOW it won't work because of your pasts?
You guys have already opened up to each other and share a common past. Why don't you just express your concerns to her and try it out?
You said you met a girl last night...
Was this the first time meeting EVER. Like, you picked her up in a bar? Or was it was first meet after some talking? I mean really, if you both shared so much and trust each other sooo much after be acquainted for a few hours, maybe you do have a future. Maybe it;s meant to be!!!!!
And your comment about things happen when two adults get together or whatever - that's SUCH an immature remark. Adults tend to be responsible and think about the possible outcomes from their actions. You did not.
Good luck
P.S.
You really need to get some help for yourself before you try a relationship or even sleep/have a one night stand with someone again.... | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 3:40:49 PM | You met a girl last night and had sex with her .
Well i am guessing you both recieved what you wanted to recieve and that was some sex well done to both of you .
She may also be thinking about
not going forward with you either may be she just wanted sex .
Women also do that you know lol
For her to reveal that to you afterwards is interesting most wouldnt say a thing so i think shes dealing with what happened to her and thats a good thing . | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 3:41:37 PM | viking, i think the best way to handle it is to be very loving and spend time with her as a friend. when we allow an intimate encounter to become a one night stand it does something negative to our soul. go out for a drink or dinner and just hang out a few times this week.
tell her you usually don't have sex like that without getting to know someone then tell her the truth as you told us or just be a loving friend. she will figure out that it isn't evolving into a LTR. but you can end it with love and kindness and that is the difference between grown ups and children. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 3:54:18 PM |
I met a girl last night and ended up having sex with her and she revealed to me some past issues regarding molestation. I am very aware of that type of situation and was very understanding, but I don't think that I should see her anymore because it would not be healthy for her or I, but I don't want to hurt her. I have never been that guy that doesn't return calls or just stops talking to a girl but I don't want to represent something that isn't going to happen. I just want to be as gentle as possible with her because I know how much courage and vulnerability it takes to tell someone that, and even though I don't know her that well I don't want to be insensitive. I don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?
Now hang on just a dang minute, people. OP is not the only one who has done something wrong here. He just met this girl last night and had sex with her? Regardless of molestation issues, this girl should not have been having sex the first night she met him in the first place. And OP should not have allowed the sex to happen. The chances of the two of them having anything meaningful was pretty much ruined by not taking some time to get to know one another. Also, there is such a thing as revealing too much info on the first date. Revealing sensitive issues such as the trauma of molestation should be reserved for someone that you have really gotten to know and have gotten close to. So yes, OP, you were in the wrong. But then again, so was she. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 3:59:58 PM |
He just met this girl last night and had sex with her? Regardless of molestation issues, this girl should not have been having sex the first night she met him in the first place
And you are? How can you possibly make this judgement call? | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:02:02 PM |
viking, i think the best way to handle it is to be very loving and spend time with her as a friend. when we allow an intimate encounter to become a one night stand it does something negative to our soul. go out for a drink or dinner and just hang out a few times this week.
tell her you usually don't have sex like that without getting to know someone then tell her the truth as you told us or just be a loving friend. she will figure out that it isn't evolving into a LTR. but you can end it with love and kindness and that is the difference between grown ups and children.
Sleeping Beauty, this is a great response. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:02:04 PM | | mcviking, why dump her? Just take it easy with her. Those guys that don't return calls are all too common, especially when we don't put out. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:06:43 PM |
And you are? How can you possibly make this judgement call?
And I am what? I made this judgement based on an experience i had years ago. I agree with Sleeping Beauty. One night stands can literally hurt your soul. Sex on the first date and one night stands are just plain wrong. And just like everyone else on here......that is my opinion. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:14:53 PM | Thank you for those of you who read the entire thread before jumping to conclusions and actually had something to say that was helpful, to everyone else thank you for your opinions, its good to know how quickly a person can become judgmental and take things out of context with a complete stranger over the internet.
FYI.
-I am aware that she might not be into me.
- I don't want, need, or desire your pity, I just didn't want to talk to my close friends about something like this because there are some things that people close to you should not know, they look at you differently, similarly to strangers on the internet.
-I didn't know about her past before sleeping with her.
- I already went to therapy, and although I may not be as experienced or "normal" as the rest of you, I still deserve to be happy and meet someone that I can love and that loves me.
- I don't think I should have slept with her, but sometimes we give in to our baser desires to be close and intimate
-I am not into her, but the fact that she confided in me something very intimate about herself that I too have experienced (and told her) makes me feel guilty not to continue to see her
Here's my decision, I am going to take her out for a drink and explain why I think we shouldn't see each other anymore. I hope you have all enjoyed the sideshow of my personal life. | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 4:20:37 PM | Suzie, vietnamese budhism focuses heavily on sex within a loving relationship only and the repercussions of casual sex. their doctrine explains in detail what they consider damage done to the soul, emotions and the physical body by casual sex. i found it fascinating. i don't have a book title to recommend but i did order a few books through my local library system.
Yeah viking! Good plan! | |
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