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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:29:33 PM |
Suzie, vietnamese budhism focuses heavily on sex within a loving relationship only and the repercussions of casual sex. their doctrine explains in detail what they consider damage done to the soul, emotions and the physical body by casual sex. i found it fascinating. i don't have a book title to recommend but i did order a few books through my local library system.
Yeah viking! Good plan![quote/]
Thanks for the info, Sleeping Beauty. I have been in that position once before, and yes, I do feel it is damaging to the soul. Maybe it is because I am a woman, but I will never do that again. It sure didn't help my self esteem or my feelings of self worth, and it will not be a mistake I will ever repeat. Thanks for your feed-back. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:33:35 PM | | So, she was good enough to have sex with, but that's it.... yeah, that's really good OP. How do you think she is going to feel? Like you're an aXXhole! | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:36:40 PM | | It was a one night stand & she brought too much drama with her. I don't blame him. It's scarey for someone to pour their heart out after just a few hours of knowing them & it's a big red flag. She has unresolved problems. I too would be looking for an escape route. She & every one else can call me an azzhole or whatever, but no way would I want to get mixed up in that kind of drama. When you rescue a damsel in distress you get a distress ed damsel, yuk. It was a one night stand & most guys don't call to explain why they aren't interested, so why should you? | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:38:26 PM | How was the sex?
You sound scared. Too scared to take a chance. Lots of women open up about things about being intimate with someone. I know for me, if someone had opened about something like that and it happened to me, it would be almost "cool" that he had experienced what I did and make me be more open with this person. I would be able to empathize (sp?). Yes, it would scare me some, but because he was able to be open with me, I could be open with him and express my fears and we could go from there. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:38:49 PM | She's called me a few times today and we talked more and I just feel like a complete shit because I have no interest in persuing a relationship, but I still like her as a person. Its hard enough to tell someone you don't want to be in a relationship with them, but its even harder when you have shared your dark past with them, and they you. Well, be honest with her and let her know that you are not interested in a romantic relationship. Maybe friendship is more in line for the two of you. If both of you agree on friendship, then hey, maybe you two will become good friends. No one here can rid your conscience of any guilt you might being feeling, so if friendship is not mutually desired, then put on your big boy britches and part ways.
Vash | |
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| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/1/2009 4:42:44 PM |
I am not into her, but the fact that she confided in me something very intimate about herself that I too have experienced (and told her) makes me feel guilty not to continue to see her.
Up to this part I had no issues with your last post. You do not have to feel guilty about her past, you were not a part of it.
But you will be now. Just another guy who got off on her and left. I am not saying it is wrong for you to walk, just that maybe you should think the next girl you bang on the first date may have the same issues.
Strange how you have been with a number of women with the same issues and you know it would not work out. My sister said something interesting to me once. A teacher she had told the class that about 90% of them has been abused (physical, mental, or sexual) . One girl started to laugh and said the teacher did not know what he was talking about. She then turned around and found the rest of the class was strangely silent.
While we did not grow up in the best of neighborhoods I would guess up until the last generation or so this might not be a rare occurance. You feeling guilty and not wanting to get in a relationship because you do not want to hurt anyone is living in denial. There will be land mines where you least expect them and you are going to hurt someone. Time to grow up and get over it. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:46:48 PM | OP, you say you are not now into her because she revealed her past abuse. By that thinking no one who has been abused should be into you for yours.
You say you are bad at dating and relationships, so we see here...then take that hook of looking for Long Term off your profile, its dishonest bait.
Try Intimate Encounters, Other or Hangout...
I suspect this might have been a case of sobered up, regretted it for whatever reasons, maybe she was not pretty enuf or to fat for you? I think the abuse issue is an excuse. Try truth. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:48:33 PM | | OP, Let me ask you this - Did she do something wrong in your eyes? Do you think how you see her would have been different if she wouldn't have told you? I think if anything, her being able to be so frank about it, and being able to enjoy sex with you shows that she is not the one with the hang ups and has addressed the issues of her past very well. Just because someone had a traumatic childhood does not automatically mean they are a basket case. She probably has more insight on dealing with relationships than you have - especially if you had a happy childhood, you know nothing about dealing with life when the going gets rough. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 4:55:01 PM | Just because people have issues, dones't mean they don't deserve to be happy.
nope! you do not deserve to take your happiness at the expense of others.
but no matter what I say to you people I am an ***hole right?
i have to agree with you here.... unless you can show how you went into this with anything other than getting your rocks off!
I just suck at relationships
well first you would have to be in a relationship to know this answer... one night(no matter how much body fluids were exchanged) does not make a relationship!
but if it is to be absolved of guilt you seek..... try a priest
and do have a gentle life.
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Posted: 2/1/2009 5:01:08 PM | Side Show? you were the one who brought it up for opinions/advice.
That's just your immature side becoming offensive in light of some good advice!
Last time I asked for advice, it came back almost 50/50. I took the high road and appologized to her, didn't help, but you know what? at least I felt good about trying the "right thing". Try it...you just may like it! | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 5:02:11 PM | Here's the thing OP. You will realize as you get older that you what you search in a partner most of all is someone "who gets you". This was potentially someone who could have gotten you.
So you're going to chuck this because you're scared? Either that or the sex sucked.
Bah, he's only 24 - he doesn't realize this yet. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 5:08:22 PM | Uhhh, you're dumping a girl you only met LAST NIGHT? and had sex with? You didn't bother to get to know her well enough first to learn of her molestation issues?
How can you "dump" a girl you only met last night and then had sexual intercourse with??@!! She needs to dump YOU. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 5:10:46 PM |
Here's my decision, I am going to take her out for a drink and explain why I think we shouldn't see each other anymore. I hope you have all enjoyed the sideshow of my personal life.
I think that is a wise decision, Op. The fact that you have enough of a conscience to care whether you hurt her in my opinion says alot about your character. So you had a one night stand. Do I think one night stands are wrong? Yep. But regardless of her past issues, the responsibilty of wrongdoing here belongs to you both. You live and learn, Op. And trust me. You will.
Good luck.  | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 5:38:29 PM | | I was sober when it happened. I am not into her for various reasons, differences in values and beliefs that are important to me, but the most important one is I do not want to be with her, but feel wrong because of what she told me. I AM looking for long term, so don't start judging me, and please NEVER refer to me as someone who uses bait like a predator. I have told the truth in this matter, but aparently everyone's favorite past time on this site is to overthink everything and pull a person's words out of context and ALWAYS exspect the worst, especially if he is a guy. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:01:01 PM | Was she sober? When did you discover these "values and beliefs" that didn't jive with yours? Was that more of the afterglow pillow talk as well?
But, you say..." I just suck at relationships" Then why the hell are you looking for one? To **** otheer people over? Drag them into satisfying your needs?
Where have your words been pulled out of context?
Who ALWAYS expected the worst here, other than you in rejecting her for having similar issues as you.
If a "gal" had posted this, I would be giving the same advice. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:08:33 PM | | mcviking-It took a lot of posts for you to present a clear picture of the whole situation. You might work on making your initital posts clearer and with more information. You obviously want to deal with this situation in the best way possible considering what has already transpired. You can't change the past. It is too bad you did not get to know each other better before the sex. Go with your plan. Just be sure you explain it to her better than you have explained it on here. She may not give you the opportunity to keep clarifying if you know what I mean. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:12:28 PM | but aparently everyone's favorite past time on this site is to overthink everything and pull a person's words out of context and ALWAYS exspect the worst, especially if he is a guy.
now here i have to vehemently disagree with your statement.... i don't think anyone had to over think to see your colors....
but i hear delusion is a nice place to live....
happy fishing! | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:12:43 PM | | When did she tell you about this before or after? Cut the crap your feeling guilty and now your trying to rationalize it by figuring out what would be best. What would have been best is if you had not taken advantage of her vulnerability but now that it is over and done with . Fess up, figure out that you really do feel like crap and try to not let this happen again. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:20:47 PM | Okay, I'm probably going to get nailed for this, but here goes! If you met someone and the first time you met her, she ended up sleeping with you, chances are she is trying to mask her feelings with promiscuity - fairly common for someone who has been abused! Interesting that both of you are victims of abuse. Interesting that neither one of you had the forethought to say, "Gee, I met this person today. Maybe I better get to know them before I expose my vulnerable underbelly!"
There's a pretty good chance that she was using you, just as much as you were using her! And - yes - sorry there's no way that you can dump her without being perceived by many (and possibly her) as an a...s hole! By the same token, she is not exactly lilly white either - having decided to have sex with and trust her past with someone she knew for less than 48 hours!
So - you want to be less of a jerk? Pick up the phone and call her! Have a conversation that goes something like, "I think that you and I moved much faster last night than was a good idea for either of us! Given what you shared with me, I think that what we had was not so much a connection as a diversion. It was nice while it lasted, but I think I'm not the guy for you. Good luck!"
At least, you will not leave her sitting by the phone wondering whether or not you are going to call. It's kind of like ripping off bandages after a surgery - the sooner you get it over with, and the faster those bandages come off, the sooner you get over it! Give her that courtesy and then learn from this!
Next time spend enough time with someone that you find out whether or not there is anything there more sustaining of a relationship than a quick role in the sack! You had sex too soon bozo! It happens!  | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:27:05 PM | | Read all my posts and then make a statement. Alot of you seem to think I took advantage of her. I had consensual sex with a girl I just met, I did not take advantage of anyone, and I dont apreciate some of you ladies painting me as a predator. I had sex, not a big deal. The big deal is that she told me her pastand I told her mine AFTER we had sex and I feel bad to just leave her. But I am not interested in her because she was a little bit racist and narrow minded about a few things. Sure we hit the sack early, and if you are against people that have sex on the first date then you are intitled to your own opinions, but the more I heard the less I liked, and repeating an experience I do not want to go through again, ie dating a survivor. I really dislike being refered to as someone who takes advantage of people sexually because I never have and I never will. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:34:43 PM | i read your posts....
i read your expansions of what took place....
i read you defense...of the expansion to the truth
and i say..... to your honesty. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:35:09 PM | | Is there something wrong with being truthful about your reasons for not seeing her again? She, above all, would at least understand your feelings, if not the pain it might cause her to have it end. Of course, it might be that she doesn't want to continue anyway, in which case problem solved. Sorry you've been hurt too. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 6:45:37 PM | Okay so if you had this conversation after your not a total jerk . Things got complicated for you and you want to run and you feel bad because you realized that this person is vulnerable. The whole point is that you are feeling like crap so maybe you need to do some soul searching and realize how you can avoid feeling this way again.
Behind every face that you meet on the street is a story a life of good times and bad.
The synchronicity that connects us all together is that we are all human (therefore imperfect) #1. If this is a room that you can't even enter because it is too painful you have to enter it because it will be around every corner until you do. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 7:37:57 PM | | Wow, you met a girl last night and had sex. I didn't know that meant you were boyfriend and girlfriend. I think she told you that so you would feel bad about not calling her. That is what women do try and guilt you in to something that was just sex and nothing else. | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 8:56:46 PM | OP, I don't think you're a bad guy at all.
The fact that you've even taken the time to respond so much in this thread, and the fact that you plan to talk to this girl, instead of being a jerk and disappearing, proves that to me.
I think your kind are pretty rare, at least from what I've seen out there. | |
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