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Posted: 2/1/2009 9:42:49 PM | | You got what you wanted from her.....so now you pack your bags and run after she opened up to you about her past.......that doesn't say much about your character as a person, but what do you care...women are just a piece of a$$ to you, right? | |
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Posted: 2/1/2009 11:41:53 PM | You met her last night. You slept with her....last night. She confided in you something very personal and private (for whatever reason to an unknown.)
You're now worried about being gentle with her feelings. There's nothing to break off. You had one date.
Look, I don't think she has a lot invested in you after just one night. Be honest with her. Just tell her that you're not her type and wish her well. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 12:06:21 AM | Hey OP, if you were a **stard predator, you wouldn't be here. Anyone who can think with their head can see that. It's hard to blame anybody who ran to jump down your throat, but I don't think they really tried to see things from your perspective.
The way I see it, you hooked up with a cute chick and then you guys talked, but you don't want to date her and feel like a jerk for it because you shared something very personal with one another. Is it out of the question for you to remain acquaintances or even friends? With extreme optimism I say: maybe you misjudged her personality. But even if you didn't, the fact is that you know if you date her you're going to hurt her. It's good that you see it.
What you have to do, though, if you want to be a decent guy, is grab your balls and pick up the phone. You've gotta talk it out if your interest really is to minimize her hurt. If you're a decent guy, you won't have any reason to feel bad about being honest. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 12:16:37 AM | Imet a girl last night and ended up having sex with her and she revealed to me some past issues regarding molestation. I am very aware of that type of situation and was very understanding, but I don't think that I should see her anymore because it would not be healthy for her or I,
This is yet another example not to have casual sex. I am a little shocked that a stranger would confess something of this nature to someone of the opposite sex, after having a one night stand with them. I feel bad in a way because what if because she was molested, she thinks she has to put out for someone to love her or if she told you so you would still see her.
But OP, even if I don't believe in random sex, you two were consenting adults and after sex she revealed her secret to you. If it was just a one night stand she was giving too much information to you and you don't have to call her just because you feel bad for what happened to her.
But if you did want to see her again don't allow the fact that she was molested turn you off. She is still the same person but now you know her secret is all. If you think it is too much, try being in her shoes.
Either way, your call but I think she is gonna think you are an ass. But to me, if was just a one night stand and just that and she knew it, you do not need to call her just becuase of what she confessed to you. Handle it as you would other one night stands.
~Carrie | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 12:48:17 AM | Yep, you're gonna come off as an ass-bag. This is the main reason that you should get to know someone very well before you whip your willie out. There IS an up side..... you've given everyone in the forum something to **** about. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 1:02:36 AM | OP just tell her the truth, what you stated here...that you feel she is somewhat of a racist and you both don't see eye to eye on a few of the values you believe strongly in... therefore, you can't see it as working out beyond friendship...the truth may set you free...let it be a lesson to you in the future to get to know of ones morals and values first, instead of after the pillow chat.
I don't believe in one nighters or casual sex, however, to each their own | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 1:09:34 AM | | Sounds to me like, you don't want to deal with what may come. If you really care about her, then this shouldn't be an issue. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 3:13:21 AM |
Just because people have issues, dones't mean they don't deserve to be happy. Its not that I don't want to ever see her again but I just know that in the end everyone would just get hurt. I didn't date for a long time, but no matter what I say to you people I am an ***hole right? I don't have any sort of obligations to someone I just met, and it is very unfortunate that she is one of the many of us "damaged" folks, but that doesn't mean I have to persue a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere but a painful destination. Rip me part all you want, but I am not some self rightous jerk, I just suck at relationships like most of the other people who date online.
Op..I don't believe anyone is saying you have to get into a relationship, people have one night stands all the time. However their is so much you could actually learn about YOURSELF with all of this..you are in a sense, projecting your own fears..I don't think YOU believe that YOU deserve to be in a relationship...This girl may be just what you need to heal yourself first and foremost...seeing you were both molested... | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 3:23:31 AM | But I am not interested in her because she was a little bit racist and narrow minded about a few things.
Oh now she's a racist and some others things. Why did you even post this? Obviously, the sex sucked.
If you don't want to feel guilt next time, STOP sleeping with people. I don't think the molestation issue is even on the table anymore.
Even though the sex is consensual, you need to learn that ALOT of women don't think that a one night stand is just that. Especially at your age.
You know for someone who was molested, I would have expected you to show a little more compassion towards someone who had been in your situation too. Maybe understand why they might be narrow-minded.
Whatever. He's 24. Need I repeat that. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 3:42:07 AM | Huh? when did the racist thing come into all of this? I think you would get far more respect OP if u just admit u were after a one night stand...your both consensual adults, no big deal...
I do have a question for you though? Are you advocating that people that have been molested should not get into any relationships, because its "unhealthy"? If that's the case don't you think you should change your profile from "long term" to "friends"? I mean afterall you too have been molested, right? | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 4:41:00 AM | I didn't throw everything about the date out there because I didnt think it would need to be known for me to get some advice, but aparently I should have wrote a minute by minute play book of the night...
I am not showing any compassion at all? If I just wanted to get off and that's it I wouldn't have even posted this, I would just not call her! I am not into her and I told you the reasons because if I am even the slightest bit vague I must be lying, right? Because I didn't present this as a legal document with every word that was transcribed I am not being honest right?
All I wanted to know is how to aproach not seeing a girl as gently as possible, all the other shit in between is WHY I need the advice. And listen, before you go saying "Oh he's 24, blah blah blah he doesn't know anything" take a moment and realize you haven't lived my life, and I have seen things and experiences that people well into their 50's have not, so don't judge me. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 4:41:33 AM | | This is why even if two people are just getting together to have sex, they should BE CLEAR (that means TALK) with each other that this is only a one night thing. If she knew that, she probably would never have confided the molestation thing. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 5:12:31 AM | We DID talk, but "Hey by the way I was molested", usually doesn't come out over a burger and fries. We hung out and talked and then things happened, then we talked some more, and that's when all the red flags started spouting out. She needs to take sleeping pills in order to sleep because she is afraid that someone will come in and rape her. She can't sleep next to someone because it reminds her of what happened, she said that sleeping with a "black guy" is immoral. Like WTF people was I supposed to do? If your still interested in someone after hearing all of that, then you have issues. I could have just ran and said **** that noise but NO, I actually care about her feelings even though I am not interested in seeing her. It wasn't a planned one night stand, it just turned that way. If you think people that have casual sex are immoral then of course all parties involved are ***holes. She is dealing with her issues as I am mine, but she is not at a level in my opinion that we would be compatible. Is it poor judgment to sleep with someone on the first time meeting? Yeah it probably is, but we both fealt it was right at the time. And before you all jump to the conclusion that I pressed in until she "gave it up" I have a hard time making the first move because of MY experiences I never want to come across as crossing that line, I.E. the forcing yourself upon someone line? OK GOT IT?
"If she knew that, she probably would never have confided the molestation thing. " Think about it, a traumatic sexual experience that never leaves you might come up while you are having sex, sex crime victims have triggers, the most obvious one of them is having sex might trigger those memories and feelings.
It is my fault for not being as redundant as possible while describing this night I guess, but hopfully I have said everything and do not need to further explain myself. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 6:03:18 AM | You say you have done this before and moved on, so then why don’t you do the same thing this time? How do you know those others weren’t abused as well and didn’t say anything? You posted a question and I still think there is something missing here, but that’s irrelevant. Some times you can’t save face, so take your punches and move on.
In my eyes, you seem to have a whole hell of a lot of guilt over this, more than I would expect from a one night scenario. My only advice to you is be honest and tell her it’s over, apologize, and live with the guilt and know that you will probably be labeled an a$$-hole and move on. Maybe both of you will learn something and you won’t be so quick next time to get in to this mess. Who knows, maybe her thinking you are a total jerk will be enough for her to take charge of her life and get help, so some good could come out of being the a$$-hole.
Sorry, you created this mess, you live with it! There is no way we can make you feel somehow “valiant” in your noble efforts to redeem yourself. We have all done stupid things, you aren’t the first, but some of us learn from our mistakes and I hope you do to. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 6:34:43 AM | | The guilt is not the act, its leaving someone in the dust after telling me something like that. That's the issue. If it was just a one night stand it wouldn't be an issue for me, it would just be another notch and another girl that isn't the one. I am not trying to paint myself as a white knight, I just wanted to know the best way to let her know we aren't going to have a relationship, which is complicated because of what she told me, and I understand from that perspective how painful that can be. This isn't a question about the POF general opinions on casual sex, its about telling someone you don't want to be with them after they drop a bombshell on you that you went though also and can relate to. I.E. I do have a conscience. I already dealt with it and I don't even know why I am bothering with this thread anymore, probably because you people keep trying to paint me as a scumbag or a coward, and if you even knew me it all, you would not think that for one second. But everyone is allowed to feel how they feel, that is your right; but it is also mine to defend myself. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 6:52:34 AM | Ah, now it's explained. OP, one thing about the forums, people are going to crucify you for everything, so yes you have to be clear about everything.
And your remark about having gone through alot? You're not a regular poster yet, but most of us here had been through the same stuff or even more by the time we were 18. Even at 18, it would make us a tad more wise, but in many areas, we would still be 18. So you are still only 24 when it comes to many things. Nothing wrong with that.
Experience is not the only factor in becoming wise or mature, time will add more experiences. It's just that many people on here seem to forget that age does have alot to do with our choices and mindset.
My issue is not that you are a scumbag or a coward. A coward would just slink away. My issue is that you were not clear in your original posting. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 7:01:39 AM | You want vindication for dumping your one night stand. Live up to it.
I find it sad that a woman opens up about an issue like this and you use that to dump her. Perhaps she should dump you. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 7:03:57 AM | | just because she has been molested, does not make her damaged goods, i think you are very shallow , and she would be better off with someone that will love her just the way she is | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 7:31:09 AM | | OP, message 43 (Sleeping beauty) is your best option. Be totally honest with her - that's all you can do. The truth hurts, but she deserves the truth. I think that if you liked her enough, no matter what her past was, you would pursue her. You're most likely not that into her and don't want to have a r/ship, and that's your prerogative. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 7:42:59 AM | | If it is truly as you claim now, then pick up the phone and tell her you made a mistake, that things went to fast, that you don't think you are a good match and move on. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 8:34:28 AM | milkman4 posted:
"Wow, you met a girl last night and had sex. I didn't know that meant you were boyfriend and girlfriend. I think she told you that so you would feel bad about not calling her. That is what women do try and guilt you in to something that was just sex and nothing else."
I agree 100% with this. This is the only true statement in this thread.
Everybody should leave viking alone & close this thread... | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:03:59 AM | Why Thank you citizen oliverkadett! I feel so much better now that you have come here to expound your wisdom on us much less fortunate than you! Your profile speaks volumes to your heavenly wisdom!
Ah! You have cut through all verbiage to see the truth as it is! Oh great wise one! I can now sleep better knowing there are 23yr olds with such worldly wisdom who can pass such unbiased judgment and keep us safe at night! | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:13:08 AM | | ^^^LOL, you took the words out of my mouth! | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:19:01 AM | I agree with everyone here. YOUR the one with issues NOT her. Dumping her because of the awful thing that happened to her in the past, will make you an @@@hole. It will not help her, would make things worse. For something like that it does take alot to tell someone that wether known for a long time or short time, it's not easy.. She felt she could tell you this and this is how you repay her? Maybe you don't know how to handle it but no excuse to dump her... just explain to her that you don't know how to handle it but certainly would try, that want to take things slowly.. don't have sex together again til you really know where things are going or not going. But, if you can't do that, then she deserves better.. What happened to her is not her fault, she didn't ask for it, so she shouldn't basically get punished for it.
With this, there's no way you can break it off without being an @@@hole, sorry to burst your little bubble here. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:19:26 AM | | Anyway you do it you are just gonna come out a douche anyway. Next time keep your little man in your pants. If what happened to this girl was very traumatizing and she had sex with you then that means she trusted you and felt there was something more then just a quickie going on. How long have you two been talking? You also stated in a previous post that you don't date for long. Why lead someone on for a few months to just use em to get a bit of companionship and then get rid of em when you have grown bored and can't use em anymore? It really does seem like you haven't dealt with what has happened to you or that you are just a really selfish person. In any case just tell the poor girl that you have no intention of having a relationship with her and then just leave her alone she really doesn't need someone like you in her life. | |
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