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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:21:03 AM | I'm glad this turned into lets gang up on all the 20 somethings.
Well I called her and its all over with, I was honest and I didn't sugar coat it, I imagine she is upset, but that's just the way things go. So maybe that makes me a****but you can't force a relationship to happen and there are things me and her are not going to agree about, her past aside we didn't match, but her past is what made me feel guilty about leading her on by answering the phone and talking to her, knowing I had no intentions of persuing a relationship, altough I did have those intentions at the start. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:24:04 AM | OP
Simply a statement of fact...there's no way that you can tell this gal you don't want to see her again without being the "bad guy" to some extent. I'm certainly NOT suggesting that you continue seeing her out of guilt.
As far as hurting her, on the contrary I think she will learn a couple of valuable lessons with regards to Adventures in Modern Dating;
1. The first sexual encounter, be it the first date or the fourteenth, is a critical passage. This is where a gal learns whether the involvement is truly about 2 people with a dating future, or whether it was just about the conquest/sex. Yes, generally speaking, making a guy "wait to get into your pants" will screen out the casual horndog looking for a hole to stick his d*ck into,but it may not screen the guy who sees seduction as the goal. Nor does subscribing to some set of "rules"or a timeline, about sexual intimacy speak to the possiblity of incompatibility or just plain bad sex (and yes,this is the 21st century women can, and do, dump men who are not that good in bed.)
2. She will learn to keep her sexual history to herself,at least until there's a sense of comfort and trust flowing between her and her partner. That zone isn't achieved on a first date.
So, OP, speak your piece to her , accept the boos and hisses hurled at you, and get on with your life. And she should do the same.
Cindy O | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:29:16 AM | McViking, this is all part of life and experiences , you met someone , you thought about a relationship in the beginning, you had sex, she revealed something private, it freaked you out, and you've changed your mind about pursuing a relationship with her, and you want to know how to let her down without coming across as a a$$hole.
Look its called sh1t happens in life, I don't think she will be as upset as you think she might be, or maybe im wrong, but to answer your question there is NO easy way, the only thing you can do is tell her and tell her quickly, dont prolong it, she might look at you as ok at least you're being honest and not like the other jack off who just disappeared like a mobster in witness protection. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:33:55 AM | I'm not even bothering to read further, just the OP.
Unless you have a past with this girl i.e. chat/email, all you had, bub, was a one-night stand, exactly the same thing she had with you.
If this is the case? I commend you on being sensitive to her plight, but c'mon, it was a one night stand.
Now I'm going to go read the rest of the posts in your thread, and see how wide I should open my mouth for my foot.
Yup, it's gonna be one of those Mondays......sigh. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:46:30 AM | "Anyway you do it you are just gonna come out a douche anyway. Next time keep your little man in your pants. If what happened to this girl was very traumatizing and she had sex with you then that means she trusted you and felt there was something more then just a quickie going on. How long have you two been talking? You also stated in a previous post that you don't date for long. Why lead someone on for a few months to just use em to get a bit of companionship and then get rid of em when you have grown bored and can't use em anymore? It really does seem like you haven't dealt with what has happened to you or that you are just a really selfish person. In any case just tell the poor girl that you have no intention of having a relationship with her and then just leave her alone she really doesn't need someone like you in her life."
Sweet baby Ducks with assault rifles, read what I say then write a response. There is a huge difference between I didn't date for a long time (my words) and I don't date for long (your words). Just another person who took my words out of context. I know what this poor girl went through because I went through it too, so don't come out accusing me of just taking advantage of people.
You people seem to be caught up in the personal morality of having sex on the first date. If you think that is wrong then that's your bussiness, but don't judge. TOTALLY missing the point that I actually care about how this girl feels despite the fact that I do not want to date her. MOSTLY because of her personality and beliefs, partly because of her past (I've been there done that, it isn't as copesetic as many of you feel it would be for two survivors to be together in my experience, it just makes things worse) that would just be the icing on the ****ed up cake a relationship with this girl between her and I would represent.
I didn't know her past, we went out on a date, had a nice evening, one thing lead to another, it was a heat of the moment thing, and then after talking to her further realised she would not be a good match for me. I do not subjectify women and I am not a "player", the very thought of me as a Cassonova is downright hilarious and absurd.
Some times people have sex on the first date, get over it that isn't the issue. The guilt factor is NOT seeing a girl that I just met, went out on a date, had sex with and AFTER the fact, she told me her PAST; UNDERSTANDING what that feels like from my OWN experiences with the SAME issues. I have been laxing on the grammar because I have been writing these fast, so I'm sorry about that. I just have to stop reading this so called "advice" thread that has immediately turned into a forum of attacking young people "cause they are stupid" and automatically assuming I am a male stereotype that ****s and run, thinks with his**** ignores the feelings and hearts of others, and the rest of your over generalizations. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 9:59:32 AM | You are still a douche because you used her for sex. Regardless of what she went through and you went through in the past. As for your statement "But things happen when two adults hang out sometimes." It's highly wrong. I have and still do hang out with males (most of my friends are guys) and have yet to go oh it's sex time let's jump into bed.  It seems like you still have a lot of growing up to do. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 10:24:07 AM |
You are still a douche because you used her for sex. Regardless of what she went through and you went through in the past. As for your statement "But things happen when two adults hang out sometimes." It's highly wrong. I have and still do hang out with males (most of my friends are guys) and have yet to go oh it's sex time let's jump into bed. It seems like you still have a lot of growing up to do.
I am just wondering why there is no mention of any wrong doing on the girl's part in this post? Does she not share equal responsibilty in this? If a girl does not wish to be used for sex - then she needs to keep her legs closed until she truly gets to know someone that she can trust. Cmon. We all know this. And if he does not wish to be in this predicament again - he needs to keep it in his pants. And that is what growing up is about. He is not a bad person; he had a one night stand, for crying out loud. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 10:27:02 AM | Start by being honest with yourself. You probably wanted a sex partner but got more than you bargained for when the girl opened up and now you have to do a 180 degrees about turn.
I have better respect for people who say upfront what they are about rather than leaving the girl "assuming" that their intentions are all at par - to have a wonderful sexual experience with no strings attached.
Get yourself a badge that reads thus - SEX ONLY :-). | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 10:34:36 AM | Hi OP,
I think you did the right thing by telling her sooner than later and more importantly being honest with her. No matter how much you try to sugar coat bad news, someone is still likely to get hurt. Kudos to you for not taking the easy way out and pulling the disappearing act.
Best Wishes,
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Posted: 2/2/2009 10:37:31 AM | You people seem to be caught up in the personal morality of having sex on the first date. If you think that is wrong then that's your bussiness,
I'm caught up in nothing. I don't particularly think sex on the first date is wrong. I do think it's usually a bad idea,unless both people are clearly on the same page. How often does THAT happen on a first date?
But the fact remains, had you kept this first date clothed and conversational, you might have picked up on some of the other "disconnects" ( her racism and whatever else) that you claim are more significant than her molestation issues.
If you don't want to be "attacked", seen as "stupid", a "male stereotype that f*cks and runs" accused of "thinking with your d*ck", having no regard for the feelings of others,yadda yadda;
DON'T have sex on a first date and then post a topic on a dating site forum about how to dump the gal without looking like a rat b*stard. Better yet, learn to curb your urges and get to know someone a little bit before the 2 of you get nekkid together. If you can't then learn to man up and deal with the aftermath of f*cking someone on the first date,then not wanting to see them again,for WHATEVER reason.
Hit and run sex is a touchy topic,especially for women. It seems like we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. If we have sex on a first date, probably 80% of the time the guy's going to discover an "issue",because the woman was "too easy". If the sex was pretty good, he'll contact her again when he wants a little no strings stuff. But if the woman doesn't allow first date sex, well then, maybe she's "frigid", or "dislikes sex", or worse, she's using sex to "control" the outcome of the interaction.
Now, OP, do you understand that first date sex is a touchy subject for a lot of women who start feeling like 80% of the male population sees them as just warm holes to stick thier d*cks in? I don't PERSONALLY care, I've come to understand that I have to accept the consequences of my sexual decisions in dating. But a lot of women have been screwed over just about one too many times and this sort of thing just pisses them off to no end.
Cindy O | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 11:19:41 AM |
I am just wondering why there is no mention of any wrong doing on the girl's part in this post? Does she not share equal responsibilty in this? If a girl does not wish to be used for sex - then she needs to keep her legs closed until she truly gets to know someone that she can trust. Cmon. We all know this. And if he does not wish to be in this predicament again - he needs to keep it in his pants. And that is what growing up is about. He is not a bad person; he had a one night stand, for crying out loud.
She's not the one that posted this thread he is. I took it since he posted about her telling him she was molested that the girl did trust him enough to do what she did. He hasn't answered on how long they were talking before they met. If she was to have posted this then we would know her side of the story but the whole first impression that he gave was that he was fleeing due to her having been molested because he feels that it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. I didn't mean to insult him directly like that. I wanted to say more so that it was a douche baggy thing to do to someone else regardless of their past and gender. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 11:30:22 AM | OP< you need to be upfront with someone before dippin your wick in the honey pot.
Ask them if they have past abuse issues, let them know you cannot deal with that. Ask if they are racist, etc.
Clear out these deal breakers first. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 11:32:58 AM |
Its not that I don't want to ever see her again but I just know that in the end everyone would just get hurt. I didn't date for a long time, but no matter what I say to you people I am an ***hole right? I don't have any sort of obligations to someone I just met, and it is very unfortunate that she is one of the many of us "damaged" folks, but that doesn't mean I have to persue a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere but a painful destination. Rip me part all you want, but I am not some self rightous jerk, I just suck at relationships like most of the other people who date online.
What I'm having a problem with, OP, in reading your post is your irresponsibility.
You have a responsibility, once you decide you want to date and want to have sex with people to care about their feelings.
It's all well and good to say, "I don't have any sort of obligations to someone I just met" but she is a human being just like you are. She has feelings, too, and to just dismiss them in deference to yourself is not healthy. It's down right mean spirited and selfish.
I have always held the opinion that people in pain can be very dangerous.
You state you've been molested, too, but rather than reaching out to her and treasuring the gift that she gave you in trusting you with this painful part of her past, you've pushed her away and reinjured her because very simply: YOU'RE SCARED.
Now, I understand that and I have a wealth of sympathy for your own pain, but it's not OK to hurt other people just because we're in pain.
Think about if this was you, how would YOU feel?
Would you like someone to treat you like this?
I agree with the other posters who have said you have no business dating until you deal with your own issues, otherwise you are a dangerous person who has the potential to hurt other people. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 11:35:38 AM | he stated the molestation, wasn't the reason...it was her values and believes that don't make them compatible
u are right Luna, ppl asked him a few times how long they chatted before they met and he did not answer that question...if they chatted longer, perhaps the guilt he feels wouldn't be so heavy on his shoulders...ohh well...its done between them now since he says he spoke to her already and called it all off...
as suggested by a few others...perhaps he should change his profile to dating instead of long term as not to mislead women ...this way if he sleeps with them, he wouldn't feel committed to be in a relationship right from the get go...reg dating turns into a relationship over time as ppl get to know eachother, however I feel if u are dating in hope of it turning into an LTR, and sex is apart of that process, one should only be sleeping with that one person, in my opinion....but like I said before...to each their own | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 11:58:37 AM |
he stated the molestation, wasn't the reason...it was her values and believes that don't make them compatible
Actually, this is what he stated: "I am a survivor. I don't need anyones pity and this isn't about that, it isn't. I don't want to be with her because she was molested. . . . I was, she was, and in my experience, it doesn't work when those two types of people get together. I probably shouldn't have slept with her. But things happen when two adults hang out sometimes.
This thread is about how do I tell this girl that I don't think this is going to work as a relationship because of mine and her past. The only reason the past comes up at ALL is because of how much worse it is to tell her I don't see a relationship happening because she trusted me enough to tell me. I don't understand why you people can't get that. Im NOT some jerk who sleeps with a girl who got molested and then say oh I dont want to be with you because you got molested but thanks for the ass. . . . . She trusts me and likes me, and I think she is a very nice girl but I don't want to have a relationship with her, but I feel obligated to her because of what she told me and confided in me. I don't know how to put it plainer than that."
It's what we CHOOSE to do on a daily basis that determines our character. The OP states that he doesn't want to be that guy who just tells a girl who has confided in him that she was molested, "I don't want to be with you because you got molested but thanks for the ass" -- but that is EXACTLY what he is doing. Because he is scared, and insensitive.
One of the main traumas of molestation is having someone you trust violate your trust. The OP has done this to this woman and she is being retraumatized because of his inability to face his fears. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 1:32:56 PM | Ugh its already over but I will continue to defend myself as people keep thinking I take advantage of girls.
Here we go again,
-I was not into her for her personality
-I didn't see her whole personality until after we slept together
-the fact that she was molested did not come up until after we had sex
- "The only reason the past comes up at ALL is because of how much worse it is to tell her I don't see a relationship happening because she trusted me enough to tell me."
Should look like this as in this was what I meant:
The only reason the past comes up at ALL is because of how much worse it is to tell her, "I don't see a relationship happening," because she trusted me enough to tell me.
Bad grammar, sorry folks.
The deal breaker wasn't the fact that she was molested, its because we weren't compatible on a multitude of levels.
-I felt guilty because I understand her feelings, what its like to be in the exact same position as her. I.E. Empathy. I did not want to do to her what has been done to me many times, I.E. getting rejected because of my past.
Case in point I did not use her, I went into this date with full intentions on possibly starting a long term relationship. So don't tell me that I need to change my profile.
I AM NOT SCARED OR INSENSITIVE. IAM JUST NOT INTO HER
If I was scared I would run and hide and do nothing. Which is the exact opposite of what I did. I dealt with it. I told her the truth and that's that. Would I be freinds with this girl? Absolutely, but given all the factors, we would not be a good match as long a term couple.
I sympathize with her alot, but I can't fix her, I've been their done that. She can find someone that can give her what she needs, but I am not that person. So instead of seeing where it goes, leading her on (or allowing her to lead me on) and use her for sex I ended it. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 1:46:02 PM |
McViking, this is all part of life and experiences , you met someone , you thought about a relationship in the beginning, you had sex, she revealed something private, it freaked you out, and you've changed your mind about pursuing a relationship with her, and you want to know how to let her down without coming across as a a$$hole.
Look its called sh1t happens in life, I don't think she will be as upset as you think she might be, or maybe im wrong, but to answer your question there is NO easy way, the only thing you can do is tell her and tell her quickly, dont prolong it, she might look at you as ok at least you're being honest and not like the other jack off who just disappeared like a mobster in witness protection.
Hopefully they can both learn something from all of this. Girl aside for a minute, I still believe the OP can learn so much about his reaction to all of this...perhaps the OP may still have some of his own molestation issues that need to be dealt with...I believe alot can be said about how people REACT, abit of reflection can make this experience as a great lesson. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 2:10:23 PM | ^^^^^ I think you make some great points if the OP can get passed his defensiveness to look within.
The fact is, OP, you say the molestation didn't matter, but you spent a lot of time in this thread explaining why you felt the way you did about it. Remember, YOU brought it up. You wouldn't have wrote it if it wasn't a factor.
Be honest with yourself.
Would I be freinds with this girl? Absolutely . . .
Would YOU want to be your friend in this situation, if the tables were turned?
Well I called her and its all over with, I was honest and I didn't sugar coat it, I imagine she is upset, but that's just the way things go. So maybe that makes me a****but you can't force a relationship to happen and there are things me and her are not going to agree about, her past aside we didn't match, but her past is what made me feel guilty about leading her on by answering the phone and talking to her, knowing I had no intentions of persuing a relationship, altough I did have those intentions at the start.
You say you'd be okay with being "friends" - but your actions had already taken the relationship past that point and you didn't say that to her, you told her: I want to end it. You didn't seem to offer any friendship at all.
There's no weakness in admitting to being afraid, you know. I have to be honest, from what I read you just want to alleviate yourself of any guilt feelings.
Most people who have been molested are deathly afraid of being vulnerable and intimate. Having been violated the way they were, why wouldn't they be?
The defensive way you're reacting and the vehemence with which you argue "your" side -- like the above poster has said, the way you've reacted tells us a lot more than anything you've written.
I AM NOT SCARED OR INSENSITIVE. IAM JUST NOT INTO HER
If I was scared I would run and hide and do nothing.
You are running, away from her and the fears that have come up in you regarding a relationship with her. Now that you've "ended it" you feel better, don't you?
Don't worry, you are going to carry your fears with you into your next relationship and you'll just have to deal with them, but by that time they'll have gotten much worst.
p.s. Cindy O is making some excellent points from a totally different perspective!! | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 2:16:10 PM |
The deal breaker wasn't the fact that she was molested, its because we weren't compatible on a multitude of levels.
And of course you had no idea these incompatibilities existed until you had sex with her.
No, I think probably the sex wasn't good but you feel like about a half inch high for dumping her because of that. I wonder if her spilling her guts about the abuse/molestation was because she sensed you weren't impressed. It certainly seems to me to be a rather odd subject to launch into with someone you just had first date sex with, unless you felt a need to explain a lackluster performance.
I didn't see her whole personality until after we slept together
You can't see someone's whole personality in one date, unless you've known the person in real time for awhile. Even when you are with someone for a long long time, "personality" evolves.
Look, you came here hoping that someone could give you a magic way to tell this woman you don't want to see her again. I will give you brownie points for at least letting her know that,instead of just "falling off the face of the earth" .
It's my thinking that had you been impressed with the sex, it wouldn't have mattered if she'd been molested by the entire 7th Cavalry and was a member of the Ku Klux Klan . You'd be interested in continuing to see her. Rejecting someone because the sex wasn't good is not all that reprehensible. It's almost impossible to come out and SAY that to the other person, regardless of the medium of communication.
My recommendation? Be truthful with YOURSELF. If you are seriously looking for a meaningful longterm relationship, get to know the person a little bit first. Don't call sexual incompatibility,based on first date sex, "incompatible on a multitude of levels" . How the hell many levels can you explore on a first date when part of it's spent drinking alcohol and doing the horizontal mambo?
Cindy O | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 3:09:22 PM | I am very aware you can't know everything about someone on a first meeting, but I saw enough for me to end it.
She was racist, for one, so to me that's big enough of a reason to let someone go for whatever reason. No matter what I say I am some sort of deviant in you people's eyes because I had sex on the first date. I didn't push it, we both wanted it and it happened. We had a few drinks, but we weren't piss faced. People keep asking about the sex, it wasn't bad, everyone got what they needed. But the fact that she can't sleep with someone next to her is kind of a big deal if you are going to have a ltr in my opinion. I stayed and talked, its not like I ****ed and ran out the door with my pants around my ankles. I liked her, but then I saw something I didn't want to be with. A girl who doesn't match up with me. And no that doesn't mean I am too good for her, it means that we would not make a good couple. And I don't feel better about it, I will think about how she must feel for a few weeks. AND I AM honest, with myself and others its kind of my thing and a requirement for someone in my field.
"It's my thinking that had you been impressed with the sex, it wouldn't have mattered if she'd been molested by the entire 7th Cavalry and was a member of the Ku Klux Klan . You'd be interested in continuing to see her. Rejecting someone because the sex wasn't good is not all that reprehensible. It's almost impossible to come out and SAY that to the other person, regardless of the medium of communication."
Did I make a mistake by sleeping with her on the first date? Perhaps. But that's for me to live with and not for you to judge me. | |
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Msg: 121 | |
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/2/2009 3:14:20 PM |
She was racist, for one, But you didn't mention that in your opening post... or even in the first few posts in this thread...
You're snowballing the things about her that you don't like in an ongoing effort to convince whom that you aren't an ass?
Sorry OP... but human psychology dictates that the most meaningful things are placed first in discussions... and your first statement about her was that she had been molested in the past... the remaining things are moot. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 3:14:57 PM | Op, but 1st her being abused was the issue..
then you say it 's the racism issue...
then, then, then, what next?
so it's make it hard to believe you. I think you are not being honest enough with yourself. | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 3:47:03 PM |
Did I make a mistake by sleeping with her on the first date? Perhaps. But that's for me to live with and not for you to judge me.
So Op, are you going to come into a forum again and ask for any advice? Just a little humor there. But that's what these things are for - to gain a wider perspective on the subject at hand. Although I know you have spent alot of time defending yourself, just keep in mind that there aren't any right or wrong answers here. Because ultimately, the decision is yours, and you will be the one living with your decision. So I send my best wishes to you and good luck.
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Posted: 2/2/2009 3:59:02 PM |
Did I make a mistake by sleeping with her on the first date? Perhaps. But that's for me to live with and not for you to judge me.
Who's judging? I SAID that rejecting someone because the sex wasn't good IS NOT ALL THAT REPREHENSIBLE. But it is awfully difficult to come out and say that to a person. I'm not sure letting someone think you weren't going to see them again because they revealed a history of being molested is any kinder.
And I for one do not think you are 'deviant' for having sex on the first date. I commend you for worrying that she would think her history of molestation was the reason you rejected her. But what's done is done...either you don't see her again(with or without an explanation), or you keep seeing her because you feel bad for her. Which of course really isn't a workable solution.
Will SHE think you dumped her because of the molestation issue? Who knows? There isn't much of anything you, or I or anybody else can do about it if she does.
But the fact that she can't sleep with someone next to her is kind of a big deal if you are going to have a ltr in my opinion
No it isn't. Twin beds or even separate rooms. Yes I know it's not the usual situation in a marriage or ltr, but these concessions do get made for partners with health issues, restless/thrashing around sleepers, people with chronic pain conditions...
I don't think you are a deviant for having sex on the first date, but refraining from it could help prevent the very scenario we are now hashing over.
I liked her, but then I saw something I didn't want to be with. A girl who doesn't match up with me. And no that doesn't mean I am too good for her, it means that we would not make a good couple
A lot of times these disconnects will come to light if one has a few dates WITHOUT having sex, then one need not feel guilty about not continuing to date the person if incompatibilities in character, values, personality come to light. So it's not a matter of deviancy, it's a matter of common sense.
Did you make sure to explain to her that her molestation had nothing to do with your decision to not continue dating her? Of course, more than likely, no matter what you say, she's going to believe that it WAS in fact the molestation. But there's not much you can do about that.
At the end of the day,OP, if you had no qualms about your decision to not see her anymore, why did you author this thread and specifically reference the molestation history first and foremost, only bringing up the racism and other incompatibilities in later posts?
Do you suspect YOUR OWN reaction? Is the molestation actually a factor, one that you don't want to face up to, because you know how much it hurts to be rejected on that account? Is this whole thread about you trying to prove to yourself that something you know is true isn't true? What is it you want from us?
Cindy O | |
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Posted: 2/2/2009 4:08:19 PM | | For her to open up that fast with her past after that is a cry for help for someone to listen to her. I think to just walk away is not good ,it is like being used for sex and kicked aside, that can be as painful as being molested as well. Why not just talk to her again and this time give her an ear instead, it may be a "Good thing"! | |
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