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Posted: 2/3/2009 4:56:22 AM | "human psychology dictates that the most meaningful things are placed first in discussions... and your first statement about her was that she had been molested in the past... the remaining things are moot. "
Seriously what kind of pop psychology bullshit is this? If in case you haven't realised this is a touchy subject, so I didn't go into every graphic detail about everything that transpired on the date, but aparently I had to. I wrote down what I thought was needed in order for me to get advice, but I had to keep going further to stop being labled as predatory or sick.
And why is it important that I keep defending myself you may be asking? Because if someone is interested in my profile, and then sees this thread with all of the acusations thrown around, I might miss out on finally meeting someone that I can love and loves me.
In my profession everything is need to know basis, so obviously its just the facts, get the main point out and that's that. I am trying to help you guys see this from my side, but some of the women can't get past their own issues with men and attack me when they see me as predatory. It takes two to have sex people, and to even hint that I would take advantage of a girl is downright insulting and against EVERYTHING I BELIEIVE IN. First of all, I am in law enforcement, so for those of you who think I haven't dealt with my issues, check out the screening process for police sometime. Second of all, being a surivivor I would NEVER put someone else what I went through. | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 8:32:17 AM | | If she had sex WITH YOU, uh--I think she's worked through her molestation issues. She ain't THAT sensitive. I'd continue-! | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 8:41:47 AM |
it would not be a healthy relationship
Why wouldn't it? | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 8:47:45 AM |
They had a one night stand. However complicated that becomes afterward, they used each other for sex. The fact that you're demonizing the OP for something they both did seems off to me. Should they have interrupted what was going on to have a twenty minute conversation about where they were going to go from there?
He had a one night stand since the girl isn't here to verify what she was feeling. From what he has posted it looks as if he used her for sex. Especially since he stated they only talked fo a week. The first fact he brought up was that she told him she was molested and that he feels they wouldn't have a healthy relationship according to that information. Then after getting bashed for saying that he then added she was racists and all the other stuff including that he himself was molested. His story runs in circles. | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 9:10:36 AM | OP, I didn't ask this before, but after reading all your "defenses" as you call them, I have to ask....
If you were molested too and know that its a hard issue to overcome, please explain to me how sex is such a "whatever" with you. I know someone who was molested as a child and I can tell you, she doesn't just have sex on a casual first date basis. She won't even let anyone touch her until she is comfortable with them.... So parts of your story don't add up... so please explain, how a guy who was molested ended up with a girl who was molested and you both had sex on the first date.... | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 9:15:15 AM | | Dude stop defending yourself...You have nothing to be defensive about.......You didn't do anything wrong....Just go with your gut on this, Talk with her and tell her what your thinking. I would have to say most of the people responding to your post are self rightious a--holes not even seeing the issue at hand.Who would've thought you could find the moral majority on POF...... | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 9:19:13 AM | "OP, I didn't ask this before, but after reading all your "defenses" as you call them, I have to ask....
If you were molested too and know that its a hard issue to overcome, please explain to me how sex is such a "whatever" with you. I know someone who was molested as a child and I can tell you, she doesn't just have sex on a casual first date basis. She won't even let anyone touch her until she is comfortable with them.... So parts of your story don't add up... so please explain, how a guy who was molested ended up with a girl who was molested and you both had sex on the first date.... "
So I guess the theory is everyone should respond to life altering truama in the same manor? | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 9:22:37 AM |
Dude stop defending yourself...You have nothing to be defensive about.......You didn't do anything wrong....Just go with your gut on this, Talk with her and tell her what your thinking. I would have to say most of the people responding to your post are self rightious a--holes not even seeing the issue at hand.Who would've thought you could find the moral majority on POF......
Just because sex is a pass time sport for some people doesn't mean it is for other people.  | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 9:24:36 AM | ok people,
lets not fry the guy up cause he had a one nighter, I think we all have. It is difficult to maintain a relationship with someone who was sexualy abused. There are so many different issues to deal with. That doesn't mean it's imposible either, it simply takes a lot of work on both sides.
op, might I suggest a book called "Ghosts In The Bedroom" it's been out for a long time and can be found almost anywhere. It would be good for you if you decide to pursue this or not.
I myself would not judge a book by it's cover though and would probably continue to see what happens. Who knows, it could work. Crazier things have happened.
Either way the true will always set you free, so be honest with her. Afterall it's only fair
Good luck Bro | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 9:32:51 AM | | Seventhone... I'm not saying someone should respond in the same manor, I'm merely asking as his posts have conflicting points of view in them and wanted clarification... and pointed out that it is odd two molested people would have sex on the first date with a stranger!!! | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 9:35:34 AM | "Just because sex is a pass time sport for some people doesn't mean it is for other people. "
As far I as can tell they were both willing participants...This thread was never about casual sex.............Personally I'm not into casual encounters, But the OP's question wasn't about that topic........... | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 9:43:36 AM |
As far I as can tell they were both willing participants...This thread was never about casual sex.............Personally I'm not into casual encounters, But the OP's question wasn't about that topic...........
I understand that I was just replying to your response which sounded like that to me. His original post he made he comes off as that he was rejecting her based on the fact that she was molested in her past and that he felt she wouldn't have been able to have a healthy relationship. It doesn't make it seem like he's such a nice person after admitting that. Then it took him almost 4 pages to finally answer how long they had been talking for. His story just doesn't make sense. It seems like he knew he was going to be an azz and wanted someone to tell him that he wasn't so that he could feel better about himself. | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 9:48:21 AM | "Seventhone... I'm not saying someone should respond in the same manor, I'm merely asking as his posts have conflicting points of view in them and wanted clarification... and pointed out that it is odd two molested people would have sex on the first date with a stranger!!! "
It's not odd at all....Molestation leads to all kinds of behavior from celibacy to extreme promiscuity, issues with sexuality/gender, selfworth, deviant activities, prostitution, sociopathic disorder, controll issues........I don't think a one night stand is that far out of the question..... | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 10:01:54 AM | I somewhat see where he is coming from tho, as he stated she can't sleep all night in bed with anyone and has to still take sleeping pills so she can fall asleep to begin with because she's still afraid someone will come in and rape her...myself personnally..if in a relationship...I'd want to be able to spend nights with my bf...not just sex then have to leave...thats more of a booty call...he didn't find this out til after the fact with the pillow chat and the other uncompatible views they have...
cpls aren't suppose to be identical, that would be boring...however they do have to see eye to eye in the bigger picture and have alot of same morals and values
he started this thread with only half the story beginning with the molestaion as a being the reason...and obviously it is a huge part of it, as she didn't deal with it yet. I'd run away too...not wanting to be with someone who has huge issues like that...ppl who got help and someone over it and aren't still dwelling on it...that would be diff...I'm sure ppl who went thru this would be scar-ed for life but dealling with it would move them along to healthy relationships with love and trust, and at least be able to sleep in same bed all night...my opinion anyhow | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 10:16:42 AM | thanks Ron LOL
I'm blunt yes I know...call it as I see it, as stated...my opinion | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 10:45:43 AM | OP, I didn't ask this before, but after reading all your "defenses" as you call them, I have to ask....
If you were molested too and know that its a hard issue to overcome, please explain to me how sex is such a "whatever" with you. I know someone who was molested as a child and I can tell you, she doesn't just have sex on a casual first date basis. She won't even let anyone touch her until she is comfortable with them.... So parts of your story don't add up... so please explain, how a guy who was molested ended up with a girl who was molested and you both had sex on the first date....
Do some research before you start telling me what survivors do in sexual situations. Its different for everyone. Some people have to have lots of sex after being abused, some people do not like sex at all and abstain for long periods of time. Some people "binge" on sexual and careless behaviors.
When your outlook on sexuality is drastcially altered by an act so heinous and revolting you are never the same person. It affects all aspects of your life until you deal with it and it doesn't ever fade away. Does that mean that no survivors should ever date? No it means ME and THIS GIRL are not a good match based on what I have seen, she is not over it.
You also have to look at the differences between male and female victims. And wether the perpatrator was a man or a woman. JUst because one person you know acts a certain way, or you have seen a few lifetime movies doesn't mean you have a grasp on what molestation, rape, and sexual abuse those to a person, and how their sexuality is later expressed. Most pedophiles are sexually abused, but does that mean all abused males become gay or pedophiles? No. | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 10:45:50 AM | | I suppose it does make a difference but you should not have been so hasty in your physical relationship with her. She was a victim of horrendous abuse. Does that taint your feelings toward her? I think so. Now she'll feel worse knowing her past will continue to haunt her and affect potential relationships. | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 10:56:51 AM | I don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?
Too late.  And next time, it may be in everyone's best interest to keep it in your pants until you know someone better. This situation is a good argument for it. | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 11:00:34 AM | Perhaps this woman found the sex to be bad, so she decided to say things she knew would turn the OP off, in an effort to not lead him on?
She claims abuse, he say, "me too"..she thinks oh dam, now what? Make a racist comment, see if that puts him off... | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 11:03:56 AM | OP You said that you are not healthy enough for a relationship? Is that correct? Then why bother dating right now? No offense, but I am sick and tired of the lame excuses men use to get a woman in bed and then not take any responsibility for any actions after the fact. This means people like you must have a lot of bed partners because you choose to use the excuse that you are not good at relationships.
FYI Most people have been abused sometime in their lives and to just pin this situation on a select few is very immature on your part.
I am not ready for a serious relationship at this point. However, if I did find someone of good character I would not rule out the possibility of a long term relationship. I find it amazing at how many excuses one can give just to be a jerk. Not saying you are OP. This is based on my experiences. It's a cop out and I personally don't understand how as a society we have become so callous.
Just remember one thing. What goes around, comes around.
Please don't think I am being judgmental. I am just giving an opinion on a subject that is all to familiar.
BTW If you just want sex then just say so upfront. I have had that proposed to me before the fact. I would rather someone be honest first and then this allows ME to make decisions for myself. | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 11:05:27 AM | Wow! this thread is filled with Icetrogen..........A bitter chill from the women of POF | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 11:06:16 AM | "I understand that I was just replying to your response which sounded like that to me. His original post he made he comes off as that he was rejecting her based on the fact that she was molested in her past and that he felt she wouldn't have been able to have a healthy relationship. It doesn't make it seem like he's such a nice person after admitting that. Then it took him almost 4 pages to finally answer how long they had been talking for. His story just doesn't make sense. It seems like he knew he was going to be an azz and wanted someone to tell him that he wasn't so that he could feel better about himself."
I don't apreciate that you just seem to attack me post after post. Its obvious that you have a different opinion on casual sex then I do. Understand that it is all the factors combined that make me not want to be with her. I apologise that I didn't format my explanation into a 40 page thesis. Some of the so called "important factors" like how long we were talking are irrelavant information to finding out what I needed to get advice about. Besides, I have already dealt with the situation. Its over, but I will continue to defend myself.
Of course I wasn't going to come out squeaky clean out of this situation, I do not need moral validation from the internet. I thought maybe someone whould have had a similar experience, and find out what they did.
I would ask politely if you could refrain from refering to me as someone that uses people for sex. It was consensual, but after the fact she explained some things to me that I frankly feel are not in my best interest to be in a relationship with. Regardless of what those issues were, the only reason I felt bad and posted this was because of her trauma and how she would feel if we parted ways. She isn't devistated, and I didn't use her for sex. I went on a date with full intentions of starting a long term relationship. But hey I'm a douch bag for not wanting to go out with someone I know would be hurt if I continued to see her. You especially can't see that fact that instead of taking advatage of her or playing head games and using her for sex, I ended it responsibly.
If you think casual sex is irresponsible that's your business, but please don't attack and insult me because your beliefs are different. | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 11:16:14 AM | "OP You said that you are not healthy enough for a relationship? Is that correct? Then why bother dating right now? No offense, but I am sick and tired of the lame excuses men use to get a woman in bed and then not take any responsibility for any actions after the fact. This means people like you must have a lot of bed partners because you choose to use the excuse that you are not good at relationships.
FYI Most people have been abused sometime in their lives and to just pin this situation on a select few is very immature on your part.
I am not ready for a serious relationship at this point. However, if I did find someone of good character I would not rule out the possibility of a long term relationship. I find it amazing at how many excuses one can give just to be a jerk. Not saying you are OP. This is based on my experiences. It's a cop out and I personally don't understand how as a society we have become so callous.
Just remember one thing. What goes around, comes around.
Please don't think I am being judgmental. I am just giving an opinion on a subject that is all to familiar.
BTW If you just want sex then just say so upfront. I have had that proposed to me before the fact. I would rather someone be honest first and then this allows ME to make decisions for myself."
I love a healthy dose of sexism in the morning it smells like victory for the very thing feminism is battling.
I am very aware of the rate that people are abused. AND LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR I DO NOT USE WOMEN FOR SEX STOP SAYING I DO.
Read all my posts then talk. I WENT INTO THIS PERSUING A LTR. If I was a jerk I would have just not dealt with this situation at all and lead her on and used her, instead she revealed some stuff that I have no desire to be involved with. And I said "a relationship with this girl would not be a healthy one." I was celibant for nearly 2 years before I began dating again, so don't sit there and accuse me of being a man whore. | |
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Posted: 2/3/2009 11:23:10 AM | Perhaps this woman found the sex to be bad, so she decided to say things she knew would turn the OP off, in an effort to not lead him on?
She claims abuse, he say, "me too"..she thinks oh dam, now what? Make a racist comment, see if that puts him off...
You just seem to think it must have been a bad sexual experience or that I suck in bed, right? I will not even dignify this with a rebuttal on things I can't prove, but it just goes to show how shameless you are. Get over your sexism. | |
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