|
|
|
|
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 11:28:10 AM |
Of course I wasn't going to come out squeaky clean out of this situation, I do not need moral validation from the internet. I thought maybe someone whould have had a similar experience, and find out what they did.
LOL, that's the problem OP not many people will admit to a weakness on here. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 11:31:04 AM | OP, I'm also very aware of the way things are in terms of how people react different, but my point is - It is really strange and hard to believe that two strangers hook up, both suffered molestation and abuse and ended up together for a one night stand. I would say the odds of that are probably not even close to 1 percent chance of happening.
I believe since you have taken over four pages to tell your story that it is more about you and not her. I think the reason she really isn't appealing to you is because she did suffer abuse and if you did too, you know that having a relationship is hard to do with someone that has had that in their background. Me thinks it go too close to home and you would rather have sympathy from PoFers than admit it scared you. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 11:45:00 AM | OP, if you have only learned one lesson here, don't bring your personal issues to POF. There are a whole pile of people who like to project their own issues into any situation they see.
It is good that you manned up and talked to her, seriously though, it really is due to the fact that you had sex with her, and that is the reason you feel guilty. Its not the sex itself, but the vulnerabilty she feels. So just take your time, enjoy the fun of dating, and try to slake your lust. If you need to, try to keep your dates to public places, this would generally help. It will force you to engage her mind, and then you will have a better chance of seeing who the other person is!
Best of luck to you! | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 11:49:27 AM | ITs not that uncommon if the current statistics are 6 out of the women and 3 out of ten men will be sexually abused. Also some studies show that people who are sexaully abused tend to gravitate towards each other because they will probably have similar interests or social deviances. Its alot more than one percent of this to happen.
I do not need internet sympathy, mearly advice. But there is very little advice going on and alot of personal attacks and man hating going on.
Its is about me and her, I never said it wasn't. I am not scared to be in a realtionship with a survivor because I already have, I don't want to be in this relationship because of all ther given factors and instead of leading her on, I said "it won't work" and I am sorry.
Certain women taking out their past differences with men out on me shows alot of baggage and immaturity. I have not once attacked any women in here and told all the horror stories of how insensitive and shallow and rotten women can be. Because guess what people? Men and women aren't that different. There are shitty men out there and there are shitty women out there too. Do you not think I have been in the same exact shoes as this girl? Stop reading pop psychology books and attacking me with cosmo logic, or better yet stop taking your hatred for men that have harmed you on me. I came here for advice not to be attacked and subjected to your so called morality and self rightousness. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 12:06:54 PM | OP, listen, you did this to yourself and I'm going to tell you exactly where:
You didn't say in your initial post that the woman has issues regarding molestation that SHE HAD NOT DEALT WITH -- if you had said that, every single response here would have been different.
I am always the first to say that people in pain can be very dangerous people.
A person who has not dealt with their issues surrounding molestation is NOT imo, a good match for a long term relationship.
You hinted at this by saying you didn't want to fix her. You threw in other issues such as racism and the like, which made people doubt you were being honest.
Being sexually molested is an absolutely terrifying, traumatic experience. I know this first hand. While I would date person who has had therapy and dealt with the issues I would NEVER date a person who I thought for one minute had not dealt with their issues.
When your outlook on sexuality is drastcially altered by an act so heinous and revolting you are never the same person. It affects all aspects of your life until you deal with it and it doesn't ever fade away. Does that mean that no survivors should ever date? No it means ME and THIS GIRL are not a good match based on what I have seen, she is not over it.
You spent so much time being defensive -- this was all you had to say. | |
|
| |
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 12:29:07 PM |
OP, I'm also very aware of the way things are in terms of how people react different, but my point is - It is really strange and hard to believe that two strangers hook up, both suffered molestation and abuse and ended up together for a one night stand. I would say the odds of that are probably not even close to 1 percent chance of happening.
I believe since you have taken over four pages to tell your story that it is more about you and not her. I think the reason she really isn't appealing to you is because she did suffer abuse and if you did too, you know that having a relationship is hard to do with someone that has had that in their background. Me thinks it go too close to home and you would rather have sympathy from PoFers than admit it scared you.
So true.... | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 1:12:46 PM | OP, you're getting shit on in this post. It happens from time to time. I feel, personally, that you've represented yourself in a healthy and adult manner so far regarding what happened with you. **edit from the 1st page reading only lol
From what I am hearing, you're ready to date regardless of what's happened in the past. However, you've recently seen and had sex with a woman who's personal past brings back disturbing memories of your own past and, as such, you don't think it would be a good idea to continue seeing her.
Some posters are correct in that, to this girl, you're gonna be an ***hole no matter what. That happens almost any time one person says to the other, "It's just not going to work."
My personal advice is to
A.) Talk to her in person
B.) Tell her how you feel
C.) Listen to her feelings
D.) Leave
Also, I highly suggest cherry picking comments from other posters. Ignore the drivel that is attacking you for making a mistake or what not that this is all your fault etc etc etc.
You've got to realize everyone here sees things thorugh their own paradigms and assign guilt and blame to others based on that, sometimes. Not all the times, of course.
Go though the comments with an open mind. If it strikes you as something that is not describing what you're going through accurately, dismiss it. If you feel that, perhaps, someone might have a point that you might want to explore, then explore those, even though they might be difficult to.
Good luck. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 1:17:19 PM | ^^^^^What he said!! 
Excellent post incuubus, well said. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 1:31:17 PM | | Incuubus... you really should read all his posts first... he back slide his story a few times... | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 1:38:38 PM | How does a guy walk out the door, looking for LTR,( condom in pocket, i presume?) for a 1st meet with someone he has talked to for a week and knows little about?
When I present the scenerio, that perhaps she wasn't so keen on the sex and looking for an exit, I get called shameless and a sexist?
This story is wayyyy to stinky fishy | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 2:15:09 PM |
They both chose to have sex on the first date! That was a personal choice from both of them! Even though I don't do that, as long as they both agreed, who's to say it was wrong?
If he truly thought he liked her, then THEY had sex, and afterwards shared a discussion, that is just something that happened! The fact that she opened up to him does not obligate him to date her, or to feel like scum. He did not say he was not going to date her due to her past.
He has stated that he was trying to make it as painless as possible to tell her something that might hurt her because of her past. He was trying to not be cruel.
Saying he didn't want to date her either way is just a reality. If everyone that ever had a one night stand was required to date that person, I think it would be quite interesting, don't you?
Sleeping with this woman does not obligate this man to date her. This woman confiding her personal past to this man does not obligate him to date this woman!
The fact that the OP does not feel any kind connection toward this woman for a LTR doesn't make him a bad person.
Although I will probably get crucified for this:
IF SHE HAD NEVER REVEALED TO HIM A PAST THAT HAD MOLESTATION, WOULD ALL OF YOU BE SOOOOOOO HARD ON THIS GUY? ARE YOU NOT IN EFFECT MAKING HER MORE OF A "VICTIM" THAN HE IS?
It would then just be a case of......oh, he had a one night stand, and he doesn't see any relationship in the future, so he is doing the right thing by telling her, and walking away.
Very well said. | |
|
| |
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 2:34:19 PM | | People reading this should take the time out to read ALL the OPs comments on this thread. Have a pad and paper ready to take notes, too. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 2:35:20 PM | "How does a guy walk out the door, looking for LTR,( condom in pocket, i presume?) for a 1st meet with someone he has talked to for a week and knows little about?
When I present the scenerio, that perhaps she wasn't so keen on the sex and looking for an exit, I get called shameless and a sexist?"
When I get involved with a women I assume it will go into a long term scenario, or then what really is the point?
Because you keep impying that the sex was bad in most of your posts or that I don't cut it as a man, so yeah I am going to call you out on it. Say what you want about how fishy it is, its the truth and the fact of the matter the issue has been resolved. But I will continue to defend myself if someone says something about me that isn't true, that's just who Iam. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 3:01:36 PM | you say, "Because you keep impying that the sex was bad in most of your posts or that I don't cut it as a man, so yeah I am going to call you out on it"
I never said it WAS bad, I said PERHAPS...in 1 post. In my other 5 I said nothing of the sort, so how is that MOST? I have noticed you slanting words many times in this manner.
And what about the part where you said it wasn't that you didn't want to see her again, just that you didn't want a relationship. I guess you don't mind hanging out with a racist. Just no sex/relationship.
If I thought someone was a racist, I would NEVER want to be in their company. I venture to say most would agree...
Just another fishy thing... | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 3:02:35 PM | | If you read the posters' comments, it wasn't the sex that was bad, it was the way things were explained, handled and how you feel you are justified that was labeled bad.... big difference cowboy. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 3:18:09 PM | This thread is about how do I tell this girl that I don't think this is going to work as a relationship because of mine and her past. The only reason the past comes up at ALL is because of how much worse it is to tell her I don't see a relationship happening because she trusted me enough to tell me. I don't understand why you people can't get that. Actually, I do get it.
I think you should tell her about yourself and why you think a relationship is not a good idea.
She trusts me and likes me, and I think she is a very nice girl but I don't want to have a relationship with her, but I feel obligated to her because of what she told me and confided in me. I don't know how to put it plainer than that.
It seems very clear to me. I think this is a situation to ask this girl if you can be friends, platonic friends,but not lovers. Communication, open communication, is always the best. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 3:44:39 PM | | Then why did you sleep with her? Did she tell you before or after you choose to sleep with someone you just met???? | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 4:43:03 PM | | geez viking...open your mouth and change feet AGAIN !!!!...you repeat in your 2nd last post that you are not ready for a relationship, however, you are still on profile as "LONG TERM" you are misleading women to get them in bed obviously dude...if you're not ready...switch it to dating, intimate encounters or friends... | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 4:55:45 PM | I don't get how you know it won't be healthy for her?? You just don't want to deal with it. Mabe you should get to know someone better before having sex with them. Then you might not run the risk of hurting somone vulnerable.
Sorry, but you can't avoid coming off as an a**hole on this one.
 | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 4:56:43 PM | lol...ok 3rd last post ...u posted while I was typing....
so lets get this straight...you are not ready for LTR, however hoping it will lead to that when u meet someone...you are still misleading by stating LTR in profile instead of just saying dating with hopes of it turning LTR when your head is screwed in the right direction
you are just gonna mess up others as u did with the last.... you're finally getting all the attention you so very badlly desire by changing it up all the time in here?
 chickies  | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:05:33 PM |
And what about the part where you said it wasn't that you didn't want to see her again, just that you didn't want a relationship. I guess you don't mind hanging out with a racist. Just no sex/relationship.
If I thought someone was a racist, I would NEVER want to be in their company. I venture to say most would agree...
You know, I didn't even catch that. Yes, OP, you dubbed her a racist as one of the reasons why you didn't want to be with her, but then you say over and over that you are okay to be her friend. What's up with that? It's just not making sense.
As I said, if you had said in your OP that you felt she wasn't over her molestation issues, you wouldn't have gotten ripped on this thread.
But the fact of the matter is the more your respond, the more excuses you make the more you try to explain the more you paint yourself to be inconsistent.
I'll stick with my original opinion, which is that you are just scared. | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:15:16 PM | The question posed in the OT
don't know how do I break this off without being an ***hole?
Well, after 8 pages it seems like you'd catch on that you CAN'T. Not suggesting you should continue to see a woman you don't want to see,but what it boils down to is that it presents an appearance of "hit it and quit it"sex. About the ONLY circumstance that's going to give you a "pass" on hit and run sex,is if SHE pulled a knife or gun on you.
That's exactly how you tell her. You say; "I don't think this can work because of our past" and you leave it at that. Always leave with the same love you came in with, and you will feel better about it. You discovered this after you slept with her and she was just as willing. There were no victims, only volunteers. You can't rape the willing. You did nothing "wrong" to anyone. You both had a little passion and leave it at that.
I'd say you're doing what you feel is right by not pursuing it any further. I'd say you're a stand-up guy for at least wanting to tell her that. Who cares what anyone else here thinks? Who cares what I think? I would say that the results would be far worse trying to "force" something to work when you don't feel right about it. Square pegs - round holes.......NOPE.
all very true and correct. But I keep getting the feeling that the OP is desperately seeking a way to absolve himself of the guilt he feels about this situation.
There really isn't a way.
If you choose to have sex with someone you don't have much provenance for,there's an inherent risk that you may find unsettling information of one kind or another after the fact.
I didn't like the girl,
Now you've gone and done it! Dammit, son, don't you remember the old saying about giving someone enough rope?
Either you f*cked a girl you didn't like simply because she was there, or it IS about the history of molestation.
I'm sorry, there's no way you can come out of this now without looking like either a common internet/dive bar horndog,or a hypocrite.Speaking for myself, I think what actually happened is you decided right away that the girl wasn't someone you were interested in dating seriously, but decided to avail yourself of the opportunity to grab a piece.
That doesn't make you a devil from hell or even an interesting deviant, just another internet hordog. But when,AFTER the fact, you learn of this horrific incident in her past, the ol' guilt just starts washin' over you like Niagara Falls.
Well, that's just something you are gonna have to wear.
I will offer one thought...this gal MAY be one who makes a practice of boinking guys and then trots out the molestation issues so she can guilt trip a guy into continuing to date her. So I'm not going to paint her as a victim, but the statement
I didn't like the girl, certainly sounds like a horndog play.
Perhaps this woman found the sex to be bad, so she decided to say things she knew would turn the OP off, in an effort to not lead him on?
Thank you. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who had that thought wander across their mind...
Wow! this thread is filled with Icetrogen..........A bitter chill from the women of POF
Oh now that's FUNny! Personally, I'm inclined to hope that both the OP and the woman in question learned valuable lessons.
Its over, but I will continue to defend myself.
Why???
apologise that I didn't format my explanation into a 40 page thesis.
You didn't? Sure looks to be something on that order to me.
I would ask politely if you could refrain from refering to me as someone that uses people for sex.
Dude, you came flat out in an earlier post and said you didn't LIKE the girl. Having sex with someone you don't like IS using a person for sex. Personally I think that's a crappy thing to do. I also know that it's pretty common and from all I've seen, heard, and experienced, it seems like men are the more likely ones to do this.
You especially can't see that fact that instead of taking advatage of her or playing head games and using her for sex, I ended it responsibly.
You said you didn't like the girl.Oh OK you only boinked her the one time.I still say you had no further intentions to this girl than to have a little hit and run, but when she opened up about her past, then you probably felt about a half inch high. I'm not suggesting that you should continue to see a girl you don't like out of a sense of guilt,but why are you coming here trying to find a way to rationalize what you did? Which was in fact to boink a woman you didn't like.We are none of us to blame for the guilt you experienced when you found out afterward that she was a survivor of sexual abuse.
I love a healthy dose of sexism in the morning it smells like victory for the very thing feminism is battling.
Smells like a defensive rationalization on your part.
am very aware of the rate that people are abused. AND LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR I DO NOT USE WOMEN FOR SEX STOP SAYING I DO. Methinks thou dost protest overmuch.(My apologies to Shakespeare)
Its not the sex itself, but the vulnerabilty she feels. So just take your time, enjoy the fun of dating, and try to slake your lust. If you need to, try to keep your dates to public places, this would generally help. It will force you to engage her mind, and then you will have a better chance of seeing who the other person is!
Precisely. And excellent advice.
alot of personal attacks and man hating going on.
Certain women taking out their past differences with men out on me shows alot of baggage and immaturity.
or better yet stop taking your hatred for men that have harmed you on me. I came here for advice not to be attacked and subjected to your so called morality and self rightousness.
Defensive rationalizations.
But I will continue to defend myself if someone says something about me that isn't true, that's just who Iam.
Why bother? All we are is damaged, manhating women beating you up as proxy for all the other men who've wronged us. (Wait a minute...I don't HAVE any men in my past that I feel wronged me.But I don't like to see anybody seeking sympathy for a situation they got their ownself into.)
geez viking...open your mouth and change feet AGAIN !!!!... Nah, he's got both feet in there now.
OP, you chose to go ahead and have sex with someone that I suspect you'd already decided wasn't gonna be someone you'd continue to see. It happens all the time,But when she revealed her past experience with abuse, it resonated with you but YOU DIDN'T LIKE HER ANYWAY.But the resonation put you on one hellacious 40 page thesis guilt trip.
You're gonna have to work out your own salvation on this one, pal.
Cindy O | |
|
| Sensitive issues
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:57:45 PM | This is just a variation on the "nice guy" crappola...
oh my, I fell in this chicks hole while looking for loving LTR. But look how I want to be sensitive to her feelings....
she's a nice girl, I would hang out with her...she's an abused racist, I don't like her...blah, blah, blah..
he said. "And why is it important that I keep defending myself you may be asking? Because if someone is interested in my profile, and then sees this thread with all of the acusations thrown around, I might miss out on finally meeting someone that I can love and loves me.
Thats all it's about, trying to impress other women here with what a great guy he is.... | |
|
|
| Page 8 of 12
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 |
|
Home
login 
