| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/7/2009 6:53:02 PM |
I have been fortunate to meet more than one , what I would call , "good men".
You are clearly looking for a "bad boy" as are most women. Just read the responses above.
"Chemistry" is an emotional thing, not a logical thing. The logical thing would be to find the opposite of a lying, cheating, vain, abusive, self-centered and self-destructive bad boy. "Chemistry" finds all these traits attractive when the bad boy's attention is turned your way. The "sparks" are your own ego having grabbed the attention of the perceived leader of the pack. You will not find that in "good men" unless you change yourself.
Should you "settle" for a "good man", chances are, you will cross paths with a "bad boy" and the draw of the "chemistry" will lead you to cheat on or dump your "good man" for your own dose of self-abuse. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/7/2009 6:56:32 PM | I think you know what you need to do - cut them both loose... Now did I win the toaster? ... I only needed one more post to be eligible for the draw... Did I win?
And ahoytheredave - I don't think bad boy has much to do with the lack of spark... bad boys don't last long. I was in the same boat with dating two good guys - neither did much for me. There need not be anything wrong with a guy to make them not right for you. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/7/2009 7:06:42 PM | Chemistry is caused by emotion. It is caused by the chemicals in your brain causing your body to react. Sparks happen when you are with someone that you find attractive physically and mentally.
I don't doubt that you could have chemistry with a bad boy, but believe me, it is so much better with a real man | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/7/2009 8:12:32 PM | | The very traits that make a bad boy are what make him attractive. Longevity has nothing to do with it. The logical mind will rationalize the attraction and search for faults in the good man to justify abandoning the relationship. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:05:27 PM | Why on earth would anyone ever consider settling for less than the most amazing love? We have worked our fingers to the bone, built our lives, raised children, married, divorced, buried mates, parents, friends, and bad jobs. We deserve everything, not just something. It's our turn to have fun, love, and a champaign quality life.
My vote is never settle. We all deserve the champaign! E | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/7/2009 9:21:13 PM | You are clearly looking for a "bad boy" as are most women. Just read the responses above.
"Chemistry" is an emotional thing, not a logical thing. The logical thing would be to find the opposite of a lying, cheating, vain, abusive, self-centered and self-destructive bad boy. "Chemistry" finds all these traits attractive when the bad boy's attention is turned your way. The "sparks" are your own ego having grabbed the attention of the perceived leader of the pack. You will not find that in "good men" unless you change yourself.
Oh, please, that makes me want to hurl. And I'm a very logical ENTP. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:05:15 PM | I have to agree with the others who've said that you should let go of them both. You would be cheating yourself and either guy if you chose one, and all 3 of you at this point to keep things going as they are.
Too much to expect fireworks at 45?! Ha! I'm 49 and I won't settle for less. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:23:01 PM | OP,
Based on my experience (as a highly analytic and rational guy, particularly around relationships), you have the potential for both being "lit up" with chemistry about someone AND having them survive your analytic relationship analysis instincts. Congratulations on having the latter. Listen to their voice (although don't let it completely obscure your sense of possibilities). | |
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*Don*
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Joined: 1/30/2009
Msg: 34 | |
| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 12:10:10 AM |
I like them both, have enjoyed their company, but can't say I've left with wondering excitedly "when will I get to see him again"
After the 1st date with each I thought- " well here's a real posibility" but after the second doubts crept in. {from OP}
I suppose, Ms. LLane, that it depends on what you're after. I've not looked at your profile, but if you're happy to just 'date', then either of these two gentlemen sounds like enjoyable dates. As you said, you enjoyed their company. But if you're looking to find something more permanent, something lasting, the fact that doubts were creeping in on the second date with both these men should be your signal. If, by only the second date, you're not waiting anxiously to see him again, the chances aren't good that it will develop much past a friendship stage, and as others have said already, you might be wise to continue the hunt.
As to not wanting to string anyone along when you know that it won't go much farther, the only answer is to be truthful with both these gentlemen. Perhaps a friendship will come of it. Perhaps not. But nonetheless, honesty is always best.
Good luck to you. You will know when you've found the one, and there won't be any doubts about it on the second date.
D | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:16:43 AM | | Hmmm - I would have thought that you would need to have a few dates before you ousted them from 'the future'. ONE DATE YES - HE SEEMS NICE might need to see him again, as it was enjoyable. TWO DATES that's when you should start on the 'journey' - throw them off now if need be but how can you really know somebody soooo quickly? Date two and lots of talking should bring the start of disaster or desire - bugger what would I know!!! | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:28:04 AM | | To me your comments suggest neither would be good for you. Men are strong they can handle rejection. If you felt no, "fireworks" Keep fishing................ | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 8:56:54 AM | OP, I don't think you're ready to commit yourself to a long-term relationship in way of marriage yet.
I think the way you describe these 2 guys, "you're just not really into either of them", so dump them and keep fishing.
I think you need to relax, play the field a bit and don't let any guy(s) tell you that they think "you might be the one".
Don't ever let a guy determine that, you make sure you determine what you want and then go for it.
Have fun, date, enjoy some dinners, dance, hold hands and whatever else you want to do but don't let anyone push you or make you feel like you have to make your mind up any faster than what you need to do yourself.
A woman over 45 wants all the great exciting things she once had with a guy without all the negative stuff that broke them up.
Some of this is just fantasy and not reality at all.
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 9:04:19 AM |
At any rate, you have to define 'bad boy' beyond 'not boring' to gain some ground here in your argument. Because THAT'S the attraction. Hey, ask 'em! Trust me, the last thing on a woman's mind is logic, no matter what they may claim. And the fact is, we are not far behind them when it comes to Love. Well, shouldn't be, anyway.
Bingo! Not boring and could we even have a little charm please? Is that a lost art? I have to have the intelligent conversation and innuendo to activate my major sex organ (my brain) and cause a chemical reaction. There are a hell of a lot of "good" men out there who are as interesting as watching a chia pet sprout. We are certainly not seeking the feckless player type. Alas, the type of urbane and witty man that stirs our pheromones is a highly prized and rare commodity. What's not logical about this? | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 12:10:15 PM | Dear "Torn Between two Men/Lovers",
You have mentioned one of the perplexing of all interests.
Tony Soprano ( Bad Boy) or Mr. Rogers (good guy).
This is a problem many of your fellow ladies desire to have on here. Interest in two different men, not just emails from many.
It really depends on what you really seek. Fireworks is a wonderful desired trait, especially if mutual.
You may not have known either man over a few weeks: Therefore, you really do n0t know each of them as you one day hope to (at least by a man, lol).
Maybe you should ask yourself if either,both, or neither are of interest in your heart to know better.
Man A: He seems to be still grieving his loss. If you can help him through the loss or wait for him to get through it, would he then have more energy to LIGHT YOUR FIRE?
He may be trying to socialize again with his insecurities.
Man B: Do you want to be a main cast figure in Mr. Rogers' life...... aka NeIGHBORHOOD?
Have you shared with either of them your interest in knowing them better AND the desire for the TRUE SPARKS OF REAL ROMANCE?
Some would say, may the best man win. I have no reason to not believe that each man has his good and bad qualities.
I would HOPE that you, the woman asking the questions, would seek and find the relationship you so obviously desire, whatever the outcome.
May you be blessed with wisdom to understand yourself and be understood by A, B, or other.
Happy Valentine's Day,
Txlover | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 12:19:19 PM | | Fireworks start off exciting and then fizzle. I don't want that. I want something to simmer gently before it boils, then put it back to a simmer. If you enjoy their company and are open about dating and not committing to anyone at the moment, then why cut them loose? I don't think people spend enough time before jumping in or out of something. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 1:12:05 PM | | I would say date neither. Something seems to be missing from A and B. If it was the right chemistry you would be excited about seeing them again. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 1:22:08 PM | Ben Franklin said: "Where there is marriage w/o love, there will be love w/o marriage." Food for thought | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 1:32:28 PM | | There will always be both men and women who have to have someone on their arm, whether or not they care for the other person. It is a shame for those being fooled into thinking they are being treated honestly. Oh those mind games, and the people who play them................... | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 1:35:19 PM | The logical mind sees reality and those that are not good for us, it sees faults that are there, and logic tells us this is true.
Longevity has nothing to do with what???
Sorry, again, I go out with real men, don't do bad boys, never have and never will. Haven't abandoned any relationships with any "good guys" either. But am currently dating someone that everyone describes as a good guy, personally I think he is excellent
OP any guy that is negative about women avoid. Any guy you don't feel it with, go with your gut feeling. Yes, logic is very important, but sometimes you have to think with your heart. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 2:14:03 PM |
OP...is that a current pic of you? Looks like a grad pic.
Will you sign my yearbook? | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 2:21:06 PM | | Why is it that people think they have to settle for someone ho-hum just because they're past a certain age? I'd rather sit home alone. Life is too short! | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 2:36:28 PM | | My thoughts, I think you are a very beautiful young lady and seem to have your head on straight, and since you posted that question here, maybe your heart is yelling.....Neither one! | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 2:37:28 PM | o/p: if you have to ask, you haven't found it yet
-fireworks are available to anyone who persues them long enough so keep kissin all those frogs... | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 3:23:12 PM | OP - I agree with all the other women who have said the let them both go and move on. They each deserve to find the 'right' woman for them. You aren't that woman, and neither of them is the man for you. You will know him when you find him. You will, again, feel butterflies in your stomach when you see him, experience fireworks when he kisses you, and long to hear his voice when he is away from you. This is what you deserve... what we all deserve. Why settle for less?
Keep these men as good friends. Perhaps you have a girl friend who would be a perfect match for one of them. Or they might know a man who would set your heart on fire. Just don't continue to string them along. It's not only wasting their time, it's cruel.
Best of luck to all of you. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:45:24 PM |
You will, again, feel butterflies in your stomach when you see him, experience fireworks when he kisses you, and long to hear his voice when he is away from you.
For how long? Will it last only until someone else gives you butterflies? What is wrong with discovering what a person is like inside first? If someone who knows nothing about you is immediately charming and romantic, it would seem they are basing their actions on something other than your personality, intellect, etc. but that would be a rational analysis.
I lost a few love interests to bad boys who charmed them away. A couple of them later asked to borrow money to bail out their new lovers and one married her charmer despite his violent history. She didn't divorce him until one of the beatings left her in the hospital for an extended time. If someone's chemistry formula is so easy to manipulate, I doubt they are good candidates for a life partner. A life partner needs more depth than simple chemistry. | |
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