| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:56:41 PM | Hi there, I dont think your passing anything up. If you are questioning your feelings about either one, than they are not for you. I beleive in chemistry always have. Fireworks still happen, My question for you is.
Do you get butterflies when you are getting ready for a date with A Or B You say that neither one is in good shape, if this matters to you dont settle. My moto after a 12 year old marriage and 8 year relationship, is "I aint' settling for anything less than everything. " May sound harsh but if your questioning yourself after 3 dates, time to move on.
A | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 5:14:01 PM | NEVER SETTLE. I don't care what your age is.
I'd rather be alone with a good movie and a pizza on a Friday night than be out on a bad date. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 5:59:12 PM |
For how long? Will it last only until someone else gives you butterflies? What is wrong with discovering what a person is like inside first?
this makes really good sense to me. as a shy, cautious person who warms up after knowing people better, i don't trust sparks till they're based on experience, solid interaction and mutual knowledge.
i think people are complicated, and it's only after seeing them in many different situations with different stresses that i'd even begin to think i knew them (and vice versa).
chemistry has misled too often. i despair sometimes of ever really connecting again, reading about folks seeking chemistry within two or three meetings. my deepest and most loving relationships started platonically, and developed their sparks slowly, over a long period of time. lasted that way too.
OT, my recommendation to the OP would be, if it suits, to stick with it a while, being honest and open, and see what develops, or doesn't...
OTOH, to each his/her own.... | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 6:26:51 PM |
you "settle" for a "good man",
I don't think taking a good man over a bad boy is settling. Settling is taking any man or the wrong man to avoid being alone. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 7:05:15 PM | | Okay, now I'm scared. How can we tell if a guy is that bad? Do we have to ask for SS #'s and do a criminal background before we can go on a date? E | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 7:06:23 PM | i think you have made your decision.with there respect in mind,tell them your thoughts
and if they do not respect your thoughts,be gentle and kind and stop the relationship.
being kind to someone what evey the case ,will earn you points down the road of life
well there it is | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 7:07:51 PM | Your question was wrong.
I think you should keep doing what you do best, what you've been doing with A and B, and continue to date them both. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 7:53:30 PM |
If someone who knows nothing about you is immediately charming and romantic, it would seem they are basing their actions on something other than your personality, intellect, etc. but that would be a rational analysis.
Charm requires good manners and good conversational skills. Unintelligent people are not charming - they are smarmy and there is a big difference. Charming people are interesting people who know how to communicate about interesting topics with flair. Everyone once had some of these social skills; the Victorians made an art form out of it. Charming people have an attractive joie de verve that makes them appealing and fun to be around. The smarmy false romance of a player is easy to spot. They are ostentatious and have no class. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 8:29:57 PM |
The smarmy false romance of a player is easy to spot.
My old college room mate was the most successful player I have ever known. Perfectly charming without an ounce of honesty. The women fell for him all the time. He had them give him money, do his laundry, clean the room etc. Sometimes they did chores for him while he was with some other "one and only" elsewhere. When he was caught cheating or lying, he simply lied his way out. The idea he was "smarmy" is amusing. He simply told them exactly what they wanted to hear and their own rationalization did the rest. Since I was his room mate, I heard what he really thought. Had actually had to keep notes to sort out the lines of BS. Of all the girls he was playing, I never saw him loose one. This includes a fiancee and one-and-only discovering each other and fighting while he was with yet another one-and-only. He was not some horny sailor coming off a long cruise hitting on every female in sight. He only chose the most attractive. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/8/2009 8:31:44 PM | HI OP
I guess I missed it they both asked you to marry them??? They both want you to live with them the rest of your and thier life??? You are willing to promise God to love them more than yourself???
If they havent asked you dont sweat it. After 3 dates they are just friends..Nothing wrong with that. Dont put the cart before the horse.
For me No Bells, No Whistles, No fireworks, No marriage. If in doubt..DONT DO IT.
Keep it simple,,keep it real,,keep it in the now.....
Lbiker | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 2:35:12 AM |
was the most successful player I have ever known......He only chose the most attractive.
Oh, good, I'm safe.
I have dated average guys who had their line of BS down tight. We were all 'the one'. The best one that I dated -- like the player, he dated women and kept them in sections of the city. Always an excuse as to why you could not go in other areas.......that was where the other gals ran. Mistake he made.........dating the sister of a friend of mine he had never met..........he got caught and the friend's sister told him she knew about me. He called me and was MAD at me! Why did you tell her...........sorry, buddy your sins will find you out...and she told me, she just saw you first to chew you out.
Back to the OP, making a decision about your future too soon in the relationship can cause you to make final plans before you know the other person well enough. TAKE YOUR TIME. FOLLOW YOUR GUT REACTION. Don't wind up on the wrong side of marriage only to discover that you did not find 'the one' this time. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 6:52:26 AM | | You're obviously really not that into either one of them. You probably should go for option "C" and move on. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 8:35:48 AM |
Buddy, what I'm hearing is sour grapes about your room-mate.
Nope. First and formost, it was a learning experience in many ways and for that I am grateful. I disapprove of the behavior but since that type of behavior is what so many women reward, it's completely understandable. The guys who don't fake sincerity and romance with well practiced charm, such as A and B, will be left behind for the prince charming fairy tale. The reality is that A and B are looking for the the person inside before opening themselves to rejection. The player never will risk himself as he is only playing the game for the highest score. They are not looking for a life partner but something to own much like owning the finish line or goal line and in some cases, livestock or property.
The idea of "boring follows honesty" is a misinterpretation. The message is that instant sincerity and romantic charm is far more likely a well practiced game strategy, not reality. Once this "sincerity" has been established, imperfections are rationalized away. Those who will truely risk their heart are unlikely to do so at first glance and therefor often labeled "boring". Do you want to be a statistic on prince charming's score card? Many would say no but really mean yes. Ironic how that response fits other questions. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 10:17:55 AM |
NEVER SETTLE. I don't care what your age is.
I'd rather be alone with a good movie and a pizza on a Friday night than be out on a bad date.
I often wonder why people think to 'settle for someone' means "bad" date or "bad" relationship.
There is a V A S T space between "bad" and "wow, my socks just got knocked off and I want that to happen all the time". | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 10:26:52 AM | Apparently there is some confusion here. We're confusing a "charming" good conversationalist who is interesting with the mythical "prince charming" who doesn't exist. Charming does not entail telling the woman she is the "one and only" by the 3rd date. Anyone who mentions exclusivity too soon sets my radar to pinging. That's my definition of "smarm" not charm. Being dull and being honest have nothing to do with each other. Prisons are full of dishonest men I would consider quite dull and probably stupid as well.
We're too old to fall for lines like that. The only reason we do is that we "need" to hear it. I have no expectations of exclusivity after meeting someone a few times. It takes a long time to really get to know someone. I'm very picky as to whom I will make a part of my life. I flat-out do not care how many other women a man is seeing when I first meet him. I don't invest my ego in it. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 11:36:53 AM | A beautiful person inside and out can be charming. Meeting them can make you want to know them more, like you can't get enough of them. Chemistry is a wonderful thing because if you feel you have it, you do want to get to know someone better. The sparks or fireworks happen when you get together with this person because things are so right. If you don't have it, you can't force it. I don't care how many dates you go on you can't force a connection that isn't there. I can't tell you what "it" is, but I know when I have gone out with someone and really thought they were nice, but didn't feel the need to see them again or want to know more about them. I don't care how much you see someone like that, you will think of better things you could be doing than being with them. I think it is a total waste of time.
A woman doesn't leave you for a bad boy, a woman leaves you for you. If you are all that to them, they don't leave you. It wasn't there or they would still be with you.
I could get a thousand compliments from different men, the only compliment I care about is the man I care about. When you are with someone that is right for you, you see only them, other people exist, but you don't see men in the same light. They can be attractive, but they have no attraction. Don't settle for less, live your life and enjoy it.
As far as butterflies go, unless someone kills your butterflies, they can live a long time. Both of my grandparents had them even after one of them past, you could see how my grandmothers lit up when they talked about their husbands. Both of my grandfathers past before my grandmothers. The last time I was with my grandfather in Canada, I won't forget how he talked about "Red" my grandmother. He talked about her like they were in their teens or twenties. Butterflies are a symptom of love, I'm sorry if you never had them or couldn't keep them alive, but I know they exist. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 11:50:36 AM | | OP - age has nothing to do with fireworks. Each and every one of us is capable of producing and having fireworks. Fireworks has to come from within. If your gut feeling tells you that these guys are so-so, it's better to let them go. It sounds like they are more into you, than you are into them. Gather up the courage and let them go, they deserve at least that. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 12:04:10 PM |
If you want to continue dating these men, make sure they know that you are not looking for longterm with them. Some guys, like some women, just want to date and don't expect a picket fence in the near future.
Exactly. I wonder why after only three dates you feel compelled to decide whether a man is your destiny and future. When you were younger did you zero in on husband material so quickly?
Whatever happened to dating for the pure pleasure of eachother's company? | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 12:05:34 PM | Trust me.......If "A" is right, you will know it, and if "B" is right, you will know that as well........
Nothing is right after just three dates, and you are still in the getting to know one another part of dating. I would worry much more about why anyone would be willing to share that the other, just might be "the one", after such a short time period.
What you will know after three dates, will be if there is enough attraction to develop that chemistry to want much more, but that is still a far cry from thinking that they or you are "the one".
Somehow you must decide if "A", gives you more of that feeling you need for more, or if it is "B", and if neither, you have just gained two friends to do things with as you search for "C"......
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 12:56:31 PM |
Question- once a woman is over 45 is it too much to think that the "fireworks" feeling will happen like it did before? or should I be lookingmore at mutual comfort and see if something develops?
I feel like the Oklahoma Girl " I'm Just a Girl Who Can't Say No" !!
I dont want to hurt their feelings
I dont want to string them along, but what if I am giving up on something possibly with a really good future? and would I know that by now if that possibly was him?
Oh! Just wait for the fireworks like the first guy you divorced. That worked out well didn't it? | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 4:18:47 PM | | ^^^^^^^Well said !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Too many people sit around waiting for that "coup de foudre" and probably pass by their ideal mate. | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/9/2009 9:43:35 PM | "Each and every one of us is capable of producing and having fireworks. Fireworks has to come from within."
Yeah. Inside fireworks coming out. Dragon, Dracul come to mind. So do flame-throwers and Star Wars. The movie.
Maybe that's not you meant? | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/10/2009 8:52:15 PM | A" doesnt seem to have anything much new to talk about , mostly talks about something to do with money or his late wife, seems to have only 1 or 2 friends, only hobby poker,reminds me a bit of Tony Soprano
^^^pass....I need brain stimulation.
"B" a little more sociable but seems to get "tired" easily, hobby is woodworking, reminds me a bit of Mr. Rogers(Neighbourhood)
^^^ I dont go to bed at 8 pm...pass
NEITHER ... | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 2/11/2009 3:43:46 AM | You aren't interested in either of these men. Neither sound great. Why cling onto either?
Judith | |
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| Date A or B or neither???
Posted: 3/11/2009 4:27:54 PM | [Question- once a woman is over 45 is it too much to think that the "fireworks" feeling will happen like it did before? or should I be looking more at mutual comfort and see if something develops?]
I thought it was too much to hope for too. I am happy to say that I was wrong. I did the well-he's-a-nice-guy-good-catch-well-off-educated... thing too . Then I met my boyfriend. Boy, I'm glad I listened to my guts. Because I would have missed out on him if I had not" given up on something possibly with a really good future". I would have been with a really nice, educated wonderful guy I was not crazy about instead.
In my opinion, based on my experience, you would know by now if it were him. I say hold out for the guy you don't have to ask advice about. | |
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