| | Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!Page 2 of 3 (1, 2, 3) |
Am a survivor and feel that it's an issue that is part of who I have become and still does affect me in certain ways... can't deal with men with mustaches (some)
Its good that you have received therapy for those problems. But it appears you still have issues that are still there that you are still working through.
it's the reaction of a man that worries me.... "used, soiled, dirty"...those are words that have been thrown around by some very superficial men out there.
Some people use that term when they are afraid that you will use them for a scapegoat in retaliation for being treated so badly in the past.
I think that's exactly what happened to me. After my wife passed away I found out she was abused before I ever meet her. She had a lot of anger issues & emotional problems that never went away, no matter how well I treated her. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/7/2009 7:38:35 PM | I may be thick..... I haven't got a clue what you are saying about:
"Not many do because it is the alleged abuser who is forced to take the classes, and the victim gets off scot free. I was the "abuser" who was blamed by the "victim." Sure. Right. "
WHAT?!?!?!
I am a stable, working, together person who has moved on, forgiven and live my life to the fullest!!! I have NEVER blamed anyone else for my issues NOT have I treated anyone with contempt or anger because of what I went through!
What some people seem to not get is that I believe and KNOW that there are people who have had it much worse than I have.. I haven't been asking for advice on how to "get better" because I know and have followed that path. I was asking about men's response to hearing that a potential partner has been 'that' person. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/7/2009 8:11:25 PM |
Its good that you have received therapy for those problems. But it appears you still have issues that are still there that you are still working through.
I disagree with the above statement. Let's not confuse "issues" with memories. Therapy does not eradicate the memories (well, maybe a lobotomy would).
I have NEVER blamed anyone else for my issues NOT have I treated anyone with contempt or anger because of what I went through!
Your posts as written validate that statement. If anything, it sounds like you are faced with a dilemma and trying to sort through a reasonable and rational resolution to your dilemma. Very healthy actually.
At the end of the day, it's ultimately your decision how, when and who you disclose to. There is no black and white, no right or wrong, no good or bad time. You decide. If the man takes issue with it, you know he is not a good "fit" for you. This is one of those life situations that are best kept simple in lieu of over-analyzing it.
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:09:23 PM |
I disagree with the above statement. Let's not confuse "issues" with memories. Therapy does not eradicate the memories (well, maybe a lobotomy would)
Its ok to disagree with me, but even the OP states it as an "issue" and it still does affect her in certain ways. So it appears that its not only the memories alone but how she reacts to them as well.
Am a survivor and feel that it's an issue that is part of who I have become and still does affect me in certain ways......can't deal with men with moustaches (some)
I have NEVER blamed anyone else for my issues NOT have I treated anyone with contempt or anger because of what I went through!
I am NOT insinuating you are doing that, but what others may think when they say that....like "used, soiled, dirty"
As far as to telling them. It could be many things. When you are comfortable with telling them, they type of person you tell it too.
It could also work against you. Once you tell them, if in their minds eye it appears your not over it, could affect your chances. Not saying it would be true in any sense of the word.
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:55:45 PM | OP--
I am terribly sorry you had to endure that torture. You deserve so much better.
.. it's the reaction of a man that worries me.... "used, soiled, dirty"...those are words that have been thrown around by some very superficial men out there.
I have a hunch those feelings came from your abuser. Sometimes, abuse can make a victim misinterpret what others say. It makes me wonder what the men you dated actually said. I'm not discounting your feelings. I'm just trying to offer hope.
The important thing is for you to see yourself as the beautiful person you are. Then, if someone does say something insensitive, it's easier to brush off.
Incest is probably the most difficult abuse to overcome. However, it's not impossible.
A word about counselors. Some are better trained than others. It's imperative to get a caring expert. You deserve the best.
I wish you all the best. | |
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Sefra
| | Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 31 | |
| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:01:41 PM | Newfie,
Here's the thing.....from the sounds of it...the guy who is in your life right now isn't trustworthy..otherwise you would have felt free to tell him anything. The exploitation you endured is NOT your identity..and neither is it a character flaw... it can, however, become one if you dwell on it...and truly use it as a litmus test for all things in your life...
You wouldn't have hesitated telling the guy that you are dating about this part of yourself if you trusted him.
Victims of abuse tend to overcompensate and rationalize relationships that they find themselves in, usually saying, "this is good for me...I'm moving on... I'm ok".... when deep down all the alarms are ringing...
Good luck. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:11:26 PM | | Trust the person first. When YOU think its the best time, tell him the horrible news. Tell him your past it...if he's the one...he'll accept you for who you are...not for what someone has done to you. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:19:03 PM | You will find alot of people are understanding and would support you more than condemn or judge you. But, don’t play the victim over and over because the only one that is keeping you from being happy is yourself.
I don’t think you should share it to every man you meet. However, the one that is interested in you for the long term relationship, I think he should be told. So he understands you better and your ordeal. There would come a time in your relationship something would trigger the abuse, at least your partner knows and would be more understanding. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/7/2009 11:19:20 PM |
When/would you tell someone that you have been abused at the hands of a family member? Am a survivor and feel that it's an issue that is part of who I have become and still does affect me in certain ways... can't deal with men with mustaches (some)... Would like some CONSTRUCTIVE advice
If it doesn't feel safe to talk about, you're probably in the wrong relationship or it's not time yet and trust hasn't formed. You know the patterns your relationships have formed, and intuitively could trust that intuition.
You may also benefit from writing (private journeling) about past relationships, from that of your family to the present, if you haven't done so already, in part so you have a good picture of who (or what) you're drawn towards. You may find in the process of writing that there is a familiar tune in each of those relationships. You can change the tune at any time. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:07:57 AM | | From one who's been there; I make it obvious. I have the blue ribbons on my car, and my work I.D. tag. When people ask, I tell they why. I don't make a big deal about it, and don't go into detail; but I make it clear if they have any questions, I am willing to discuss it, and if they were abused themselves, I make sure they know I will keep their confidence despite being open about my own past. Childhood sexual abuse is rampant in our society; the numbers are staggering. Despite the outpouring of information regarding the catholic church's problems with their pedophiles, the truth is that it's only the tip of the iceberg. I'm coming from the opposite end from you, newfie; I'm a guy, and many people perceive male victims quite differently from female victims. Still, there's a lot in common in the way we feel. All I can say, is that if someone loves you, it won't make a difference. If it does, they aren't someone that you'd want to be around anyway. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:16:01 AM | Don't tell anyone your business. Unless you are sure they can be trusted with the information.
Because in the end you don't want that thrown in your face during am argument or a breakup | |
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Jim978
| | Joined: 7/15/2008
Msg: 39 | |
| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:22:31 AM |
When/would you tell someone that you have been abused at the hands of a family member? Am a survivor and feel that it's an issue that is part of who I have become and still does affect me in certain ways... can't deal with men with mustaches (some)...
Personally, unless it is affecting your relationship with the person I don't see any reason to disclose it at all. You mention that you still have some issues with men with mustaches in your OP. If the guy you are seeing doesn't have one, then that particular issue becomes moot (unless he starts growing one!).
But IMO, anything like this is something has has very individualized timelines. When and if you disclose it has to be determined based on when you and the person you are revealing it to are trusting enough with each other. Trust isn't just something that happens so you have to build it over time. When the time is right, you will know it. And any set plan to discuss it at a specific time (i.e. "3rd date", "before you become intimate", etc...) is bound to fail more often than it succeeds.
Good luck! | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 6:07:48 AM | ..........................................................................................................................................
Hey OP - Just had to drop back .. the reason I suggested you create a new profile so that this info isn't the first thing a person sees is Not because I think you should "hide" who you are!! no no no .. it is to Protect you from Predators who will (and they Will) see you as prey.
Simple as that.
You ask "When" it is appropriate to inform your potential 'mate' about this issue - did you know that your last 5 posts appear on your profile page and they are Always in your history?
It was for your protection - definitely Not because of you or who you are - but because of those who Would target you, just because they are incredibly sick.
Still wish you all the best newfiec.. and as one who has walked out of my own history - again I promise, even those triggers those things that cause issues 'today' - Can be healed as well. I know you've had therapy .. this isn't one of those things that is cured like a headache .. sometimes more counsel or more indepth counsel is needed to be more than a victim, more than a survivor - to be Truelly Victorious, Truelly Free .. I recommend NLP - Amazing stuff!
Don't change Who you are - just Protect yourself.
All the best. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 7:03:54 AM | Honey, let me tell you this. A woman I was dating for quite sometime told me about being abused as a child (sexually). As she told me she had tears in her eyes, and there were also tears in mine. This is what I said, you were just a child, a victim, it wasn't your fault! I felt for her, but I certainly didn't feel like she was soiled or dirty, NEVER entered my mind, someone who thinks like that has more problems than the victim. Those that lack compassion have no place in our lives, their shallow!
Tell it when you feel like it, no time table. And someone on here coined a phrase, "the people that matter won't care", but think about that! They'll actually care and help nurture you if needed, they just understand and want to be there for you and it won't affect their love/feelings for you!may even make their love deeper/stronger.
The second part of that coined phrase was "The people that care won't matter", sounds backwards, but what it means is, if it's a big deal to them , THEY have a problem!
Good luck, and anyone thinking you're soiled or dirty needs to be instituionalized.
You deserve the best, and don't forget it! | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 8:50:36 AM | I think you should tell them when you feel comfortable telling them, and before you invest your heart. The right one will accept you as you are, and all the qualities you bring to the relationship. Just my Opinion.
AND TO gottalight,
Wanna see my xrays? The bruises and bitemarks have disappeared but some police are still as corrupt as the day they beat Rodney King.
You probably deserved the beating! | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 8:55:46 AM | Anyone who would see you as 'soiled', you don't want in your life anyway.
Some people feel abuse victems 'make others pay' or 'punish other relationships' or 'hate men'.
Unfortunately, this sounds more like an excuse for people who have little ability for empathy and understanding to 'dismiss' some people from their lives, and is an excuse for not having more understanding and patience.
I don't really think so many victems are so angry or so vengeful, or tearing apart so many current relationships. Some people are, indeed, very very angry about what happened to them, some people do have a lot of trouble in adulthood due to the past abuse, but in general, I find abuse victems are eager to find a new life and to find a way to manage the past.
The movies have characterized abuse victems unfairly as vengeful, angry and chronically destroying their current relationships.
Often, the abused person themselves feel soiled and like 'used goods'. If they are depressed, it can seem like everything suggests that they are worthless and unloved...but be forwarned, people do indeed say such things to victems, as well as that they could have stopped the abuse, that they enjoyed it, and many many other things, are indeed said to victems, all of these statements are unhelpful and just cause more pain.
Don't be too concerned about hurting the feelings of a sexual abuser when you are trying to recover. It's a little bit like worrying if a murderer has stressed a finger pulling the trigger, no matter what, the abuser's issues aren't your concern, they are someone else's concern, as well as the chest beating about how their victems 'deserved it' and 'asked for it'.
It's more important for you to recover and to get on with your life and find good things in your life.
I would recommend only telling someone if it looks like the relationship is going forward and you think your partner needs to know.
One of these days, you'll meet someone who you simply feel comfortable with, and things will work out.
You won't have to worry or think about whether to tell your partner or not. It will come out some day in a very natural and relaxed way, and not because you feel you 'must tell him' because it will affect your relationship or turn him away or because you need to find out if he really cares for you despite the past.
It will come out, merely because you will want your partner to know who you are, and part of that is knowing your past.
It doesn't always need to be told. I know people who were so severely affected that they DON'T gain from telling others, it merely opens wounds that can never completely heal, and they prefer to let it be enclosed in a private part of them. But for many people, sharing the past, good and bad, is a relief.
Doing the work is a part of recovery. The next part is the relationship work and the healing.
One day, living and loving well becomes the best revenge...but by then, it doesn't even feel like revenge. There is always a scar, a hurt you may access at times, but it no longer cripples you, it no longer weights on your mind, and you no longer have to wonder, 'Should I tell him'. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 9:31:49 AM | I end up telling people I am a survivor because of physical things I do. People ask me why do I walk with a limp, am I OK? Sure I am OK. Mom broke my leg before I could walk. She used to throw me like a rag doll. I might delay in answering a question while putting my thoughts together. I was knocked out so many times, once I nearly died.
People think I may be a little mentally challenged till they get to know me. Then they say "Wow you are actually intelligent." I almost have to say something. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 9:36:17 AM | | When you feel it's best. Other people aren't going to have hurt feelings over it. If they do, they aint worth being with and have issues as big, or bigger than yours. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 12:45:43 PM | You probably deserved the beating!
It's certainly nice to meet you too. I would seriously advise you to not make such remarks in the future. Do you think all of the abused on this thread deserved it? What basis do you have for such a comment?
I emailed the OP personally. Those of us who have been to abuse classes know that the first big red flag to see from an abuser is placing blame and pointing fingers at you.
Did I just see your fingers pointing at me?
I am a survivor with serious tools. Ask anybody here what it feels like to "deserve" to get the crap beat out of you. Some of them might even be willing to demonstrate it first hand so that you won't forget. If I understand your inference correctly, even Rodney himself might want to explain it to you. You might consider removing your picture.
I hope you don't think that was funny. You are no comedian and this is a serious thread. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 12:53:38 PM | | I don't think that there is a certain time frame that a couple reveals traumatic events to each other. Its going to be different with each person and its not specific to romantic relationships. Usually there are friends that you confide in as well. It just depends on when you feel comfortable telling them. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 12:54:28 PM | | Seems obvious. Tell them when the fact that you were abused starts to impact on the relationship you are trying to establish. Eg: you probably would never have to tell your paper boy, or your dry cleaner. You would probably have to tell your gynocologist and a man you were interested in being intimate with, when you got to that realization. "Can't deal with men with mustaches" seems like grounds for more personal work first though. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 1:15:24 PM | I can sympathize with your feelings and the fear you may feel inside. It is a sad thing when there is abuse in any given situation. You question as to when to tell someone is only entirely up to you. There is not a right or wrong answer. It is when you feel comfortable in expressing it to someone.
If you are over it then what need would there be to express your past. Your past is your past. If you are not over it then it is not best to be in a relationship. Some men can't handle it and other men are willing to accept it.
I suggest when you feel comfortable and only if you feel the person you are expressing it can handle what you are about to express it. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 1:27:04 PM | I had a female friend that once asked me this question. I told her most men are small brained and unsure with themselves and topics like that should best be spoken about once the relationship is solid and actually going somewhere.
When I hear it from women I dont really know all that well its a big of a flag. Not a turn off but really really big red flag. It raises questions and I think alot of questions that alot of men just dont want to deal with.
Try and not bring it up, would be my advise.
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