| | Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!Page 3 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I had a female friend that once asked me this question. I told her most men are small brained and unsure with themselves and topics like that should best be spoken about once the relationship is solid and actually going somewhere.
When I hear it from women I dont really know all that well its a big of a flag. Not a turn off but really really big red flag. It raises questions and I think alot of questions that alot of men just dont want to deal with.
Try and not bring it up, would be my advise.
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 4:17:41 PM | I'm always inspired when I see people who have been abused working to make their lives better. Congratulations to the people who have come forward on this thread and supported a friend.
I feel that when an abused person cares so deeply for someone else who has been abused that they can rise up and defend that person, while they may still have some bumps in their road, they have truly triumphed over the past. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 5:56:26 PM | First, I'm sorry that this happened to you and good for you doing what you need to do in order to call yourself a survivor and not a victim.
This happened in the past and you dealt with it and have I hoped been able to move beyond it so why do you even feel the need to disclose this to someone you are dating?
There are things in my own past that happened to me that I'm a survivor of and I don't disclose to anyone....it is my past, dealt with and let go of. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 6:09:22 PM | If and when you feel comfortable....its your choice...While I know a couple of sexual deviates and while I do work in a prison...In my oppinion is its one of the unforgivens and can be forgiven by the victim...Your the hero here and by the sounds of it have a handle on your life....good luck with your decision! | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 6:09:29 PM | I feel that this kind of information should be dished out on a need to know basis.
It's not really anyone's business unless you are in a solid relationship with that person. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 6:13:47 PM | I am the type who would not run from someone who discloses something like that.
However, if I am told early on, I conclude that the person is NOT at peace with it, not by a long shot. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 6:42:03 PM | new: Before I can give advice, I'm confused: Are you saying you DON'T want to tell a potential lover, or DO want to tell him?
I would say, tell your potential lover, especially since you appear to know it's going to be an issue when the two of you get intimate. Better to get the awkwardness out of the way...talking about this stuff might make an issue out of nothing, or it just might liberate you if an issue does indeed become an issue. Anyway, talking about sex before doing it IN GENERAL is a good idea...it usurps some of the mystery and excitement, but relaxes both of you and makes you completely comfortable, even brings laughter to the situation. Sex should be joyous.
Don't go for men with moustaches, since they obviously remind you of your molester. | |
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Posted: 2/8/2009 6:46:59 PM |
it's the reaction of a man that worries me.... "used, soiled, dirty"...those are words that have been thrown around by some very superficial men out there..
...men you would want to avoid in any event, so the sooner you tell them, the better.
In regards to a real man...you should share this information when it becomes relevant. If say you really cannot bear a man in a mustache...and he starts to grow one (I presume he didn't have one when you met, else you wouldn't be dating int he first place), then explain why mustaches are a problem for you.
I might be in the minority, but I fail to understand why something that happened to you in your past (versus something you DID in your past...which gives me insight about you) is something I should care about in the present...unless it becomes relevant in the present. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/8/2009 8:05:49 PM | If you've truly forgiven and truly moved on, thus it isn't baggage anymore, why is it a huge deal to talk about it with a guy? I think it'd be a big deal to bring it up to a guy if it weren't something you've moved on from (not the pretend 'moved on'), thus you need to make him aware of it.
I would say don't make it a huge deal, and like any other issues you have, it depends. Thru conversation just mention it. No need to go into a whole speel, because you have already moved on from it. That way he'll know if you have odd taste issues when it comes to sex or why you freak out every time he tries to grow a mustache! | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/9/2009 4:06:31 AM | | i think you should let the person get to know you first and if you see things are going well and that the relationship is going somewhere then you are going to want to tell that person. There are people out there that will be sensitive to your situation. i hope that you have gotten some counseling to help you work through the abuse. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/9/2009 4:09:55 AM | | ok this guy is so wrong and don't listen to him. i dealt with child abuse and neglect in my career and this is the wrong thing to do. What happened to you makes you the person you are today. sometimes people handle the abuse they have experiences in a healthy way and other people deal with it in unhealthy ways. its nothing to be ashamed of because no one ever asks to be abused. you will really need to get to know the person first and if they are really into you, they will be supportive of you. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/9/2009 5:04:08 AM | | there's nothing that obligates you in any way to EVER share this information with anyone. it's none of their damn business. you share it when you want to share it, and not a moment before. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/9/2009 2:17:28 PM |
I'm NOT seeking help, thank you. I've already done my work... it's the reaction of a man that worries me.... "used, soiled, dirty"...those are words that have been thrown around by some very superficial men out there.. was asking for some advice, Thanks!
If you are in a relationship with a good man that really loves you then the words "used, soiled and dirty" wouldn't even be thought of. It all depends on how you feel about yourself. If you feel that way you will project it. Men are actually very understanding most of the time. I think women forget to give them credit for that sometimes. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/12/2009 4:12:40 PM | Sexually abused...basis of any relationship should be trust. Once you've established that, then you might want to discuss this with him. If you feel like its time to get sexual with the person...I would have this discussion only "if" it might take away from your performance in bed. How freaked out would your s.o. be if you had a flashback and you started going berzerk? There is such a thing as talking about certain things during a certain time and certain place...choose carefully and picture how this might look to you...if creating ambiance might help you feel more comfortable when bringing this sensitive topic up...do it.
yep, gl! | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:15:20 PM | First off I am sorry this happened to you and I'm glad you have sought out help for it. Sometimes continuing some kind of group therapy or joining some kind of support group is a good thing too.
The real issue isn't always just about - if, how and when you tell someone about something like this. Many times it becomes a matter of whether the other person you're telling knows at all how to deal with it should you continue having any issues relating to this event.
I fell for a woman in recovery about 4 yrs ago who told me many many dark things about her past. She told me she had Manic-Depression. She told me about the abuse as a kid, about her former life as a hooker prior to getting clean and sober. She just gave me all this information about herself almost immediately. We spent about 5 months together as platonic friends, even though I had some definitely twisted attraction towards her. I also realize now that part of my attraction was just a twisted attraction to her personality and the mood ups and downs. The extreme drama. Very physically attractive as-well despite what she'd put herself through.
The real issue was NEVER ME though, it was really her. When that situation came to a very nearly explosive ending, I began blaming myself. I thought I was a bad person. I had the knowledge of her issues and her past, but I wasn't prepared at all to deal with her. I had no information about anything like bi-polar / manic depression. I had no information about how to just "be" with anyone quite like her, yet I was attracted to her like crazy. Something about her looks and her personality just had me drawn-in like steel to a magnet. I don't think she ever truly worked on any or all of her issues and I knew she stopped taking meds for her mania many years before I met her.
This woman actually scared me away from women for a little while. I kind of developed a healthy fear from it. This may actually be a good thing because I see now that I shouldn't have been with someone like her in the first place. Today I just stay away from women like her. I can't really even stay mad at her (even though I was for a while too because I thought she played me or something) She did tell me all that stuff about herself right up-front and I volunteered to stick-around.
I just had no concept of what I'd be subjecting myself to. I don't think she ever even once considered how she affected me and hurt me. When it was all said and done she just acted like I did something "wrong" to her, which I never did. I just feel bad for her now because she's kind of almost "asking" for something bad to happen to her.
A less understanding and compassionate man might just end-up really hurting her for the situation I went through with her. I mean I still see her around and want to warn her, but she'd just take it as a "threat" from me. So I just stay away from her. You can't help someone who perceives that you have done something terribly wrong to them and believes they are completely right and correct. That part makes me think she may even have crossed over into Borderline Personality Disorder.
Mike | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:24:13 PM | When you feel safe and comfortable enough to tell him. And when it appears that it will be a long term relationship. Disclosing sexual abuse is often difficult and painful. You may want to have him talk to a counsellor about the effects of sexual abuse on survivors to help him understand how you may have been affected. If the fellow cares about you he will understand and be supportive of you. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/12/2009 8:18:06 PM | I think before you are intimate with someone you ought to wind up in a conversation about general likes and dislikes or whatever about sex so that this type of information could be provided without making a grand announcement type of gesture. If it is something that comes up with some other stuff it also is more like this is just one thing about me, rather than inadvertently making the guy feel like you are still defined by this component of your history. - packagedealx3
I think this is very good advice. I have different things in my past that I have dealt with, but I still feel that a man I am in a serious relationship needs to
be aware of. Because even though I can honestly say that it has almost no effect on me anymore, I can' honestly say it has none. | |
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| Abuse - Constructive reactions only please!
Posted: 2/12/2009 11:24:42 PM | i think, to begin with, you must be very careful about the man you choose. You have been with men who called you names. Were they men who resembled your abuser in any way? How was it you got close to these superficial men? You deserve a good man and 99.9% of the men of this site react to you with compassion, caring and hope for your well-being. We are out there. Don't deprive yourself of a good man's company. Anybody who calls you dirty after he finds out you've been abused should be hung up by his privates and left to rot. You and the other abused children who've grown old are our angels. The rest of us out here who are not of the same type as the person who hurt you, all we want is to help you heal.
If he's the right man the best time is probably while you're both talking to each other, share things the other may not have known. When you tell him he may not be able to handle it and will have to move on to another subject. that's okay, not everyone can embrace reality at the same rate. perhaps he'll ask you questions about it in an almost anaylitcal fashion. that's okay, he needs to process the information. hopefully you'll get a man who wraps you in his arms, says you poor baby and never for an instant does it cross his mind that you're anything but beautiful. You already know that what occurred doesn't rob you of you anymore. And it never robbed you of your worth.
I had a girl tell me she'd been raped years prior, just before I entered her. He took her virginity and she hadn't slept with anyone since. It did shock me and put a great deal of pressure on me. Apparently I had been chosen to be the man who would help begin curing that wound. I don't think I've ever made love more gently but I could feel her fear throughout. I think sharing the information around a time when you're going to be intimate is a bad idea. It's best to discuss it at a relaxed time, so as to limit it's drama. But you'll know a lot about how he took the news by the next time you two are intimate after he knows. By rights, he should be as tender and loving and reassuring as he can. That's how you'll know if you're with a good man. It's in our nature to want to fix things. And that includes the people we care for as well. | |
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