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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:50:44 PM | One of my closest friends posted an ad in a paper (that's all there was in those days), met a man, hit it off, he proposed 3 weeks later, she moved in with him and they married 9 months after meeting. I'd say that their 21 years of marriage are proof that love and commitment know no time limit. She told me recently she falls in love with him again and again.
It's not what **we** think is too fast or too slow, but what **they** do that is important. If both parties are satisfied, then who is to judge?
I dated someone for about a month recently who came on really strong and fast. It's flattering, but at the same time I felt a bit smothered once we got to date number 3. He was good about giving me my space and not forcing the intimacy issue. It gave me time to know him and as it turned out, his personality wasn't meshing with mine like I'd want in a LTR. It's a gamble really. He could have turned out to be perfect for me and I would have had no problem committing once I realized it. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 1:28:23 PM | | For me, there was no rush, but when you DO find the right one, dithering can lead to losing the opportunity. I literally exchanged emails with close to a thousand women, and screened far more than that. By the time I met a couple of dozen, and had a few short term relationships, I had an extremely good idea of what I wanted. So, when I found it, it didn't take me long to realize it. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 1:38:08 PM | Sex - this is the first pressure! Either you're not getting any, or you're just not getting any from this person that you like (no sex unless in relationship, seems to be real popular on this site...unfortunately  ), or you want to make sure that this person is not getting some somewhere else. My last LTR told me that we weren't having sex anymore, until I quit dating (the Ultimatum). Now this was understandable in this day and age, & though I said BYE...I soon went back and agreed to this stipulation. The downside to this was that we barely knew each other, & this "forced" us into a LTR too soon!
Tired - this dating thing is just mentally, physically, & emotionally exhausting!
Lonely - self - explanatory!
Chemistry - the % of people you feel chemistry with, compared to the # of people that you date/communicate with...can just be devastating! I've found this to be more of a priority these days, than any of the other things that people used to look for: attraction, financial security, commonalities, or even being somewhat "functional"! 
I don't feel that any "one" of these should be call to both take yourselves off the market, but when you combine several of them together...it could definitely help explain the quick coupledom! Of course there's the tried & true "love @ first site", but how often does that happen in a lifetime?  | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 1:40:50 PM | | This is an interesting subject to me right now. I have been married twice, first when I was 18 for 5 yrs, then when I was 29 I 2as married for 18 yrs. Having just recently come out of that marriage I don't understand the need people have to immediately jump into a relationship, much less a marriage! I know someone who is getting married for the 3rd time this summer because 'its important to him that I take his name'. Give me a break! Call me cynical but as far as I'm concerned, if a man loved a woman, he won't use that garbage line to keep you. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 2:00:22 PM | | It's the darndest thing, I have guys on a meet and greet insist on being exclusive. I can't quite figure out where their head is at. Makes no sense at all to me. | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 31 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 2:51:47 PM |
I had an extremely good idea of what I wanted. So, when I found it, it didn't take me long to realize it. I guess this is what I don't understand... how can you know a person is what you want if you haven't time to uncover who they are?
Because generally speaking, we don't expose our less than desirable qualities during the first few dates (or first couple of months).
For example, I like a man who is financially responsible.... how would I know that after 4 dates?
-One of the coupled-up men has some serious problems with his teenage son and a very bitter ex-wife. Does his 3-date girlfriend know this yet?
-I chatted with a person for a few months (distance kept us from meeting) and he finally told me he's a cross-dresser with herpes who had had "intimate relations" with transexuals but didn't consider himself gay. It took him 3 months to spill those beans.
-A friend and I got to know each other for 6 months before he told me he had huge problems with relationships and serious intimacy issues. If I had been dating him, when would this make itself apparent?
Me-- I can be the most playful, flirtatious, happiest woman in the room, but I have a very different side I reveal very slowly. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 4:16:17 PM | I'd rather rush to a root canal job than to rush into Coupledom. While I'd love to have a great guy in my life, it's not a priority. I take the attitude of "take time, stop, and smell the roses". I apply that in all facets of my life, including dating.
I'd say as far as time frame goes, I prefer to date close to 6 months before I deem the relationship exclusive. IMO, for a relationship to be exclusive, BOTH of us have to talk about it, and mutually agree that we'll be exclusive. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 4:33:39 PM | I don't necessarily believe it is an age thing. I think people get to a certain point where they know exactly what they want in a partner. What is really so wrong with "coupling up" after 2-3 weeks of dating? If someone is looking for a long term relationship, and if they've found a special spark with someone, why not explore that chemistry exclusively?
Some people want an exclusive relationship instead of dating multiple people. There is nothing wrong with that if both people are looking for the same thing. Sometimes, it amazes me how some people on POF are so anti following through on an attraction they feel for someone. Instead of making their own choices, they let society dictate how long and when they should be committed to someone. Hence, usually involves sex with multiple partners.
I really think as you get older, you have a sense of whether a relationship will work out with someone and whether you're compatible enough to have a future with someone. I'm not saying to rush off and get married within weeks or months. | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 34 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 4:49:16 PM | I don't mean dating one person to see where it goes or explore the possibilities, and not pursuing other people.
I meant: we meet, we have 3 dates and we now call ourselves an exclusive, committed couple in a serious "relationship".
I understand knowing what you want in a partner, but my question is:
after 3-4 dates, over a matter of weeks how would a person know that partner is or has what they want? What radar system am I missing when I don't know "whether a relationship will work out with someone and whether you're compatible enough to have a future with someone" after a coffee date, a dinner date, and a day at the park? | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:33:15 PM | Every single relationship - I was ever in was > instant. Also they lasted longer than average.
That is three girlfriends - all around two years. (before I got married)
First wife - knew her total of 4 months - married 16 years - learned NOTHING about each other after that first 4 months that would have changed anything.
Girlfriend between marriages - wild monkey sex - dumped her at about 1.5 years. She would not control her two sons at all. They both ran over her.
Second wife - knew her total of 4 months - married 17 years. Nothing would have been different if we had dated longer before we got married.
Again - every one was > instant - both sides
Yeah ....... I am kind of different. I don’t see any reason to date AT ALL unless I think it could be a two way match. Anything else just leads to casual sex - especially these days. Casual sex seems to be just part of the date these days. I am not interested in that.
So .... OP to me - those three couples either “lucked off” - or settled or - were just eager to call it a match.
It takes me about 15 seconds to sort ....... 99% would be sorted out.
So far - I’ve never had a flop. I’ve never thought it was a match and was not one. I’ve never thought she felt the same and did not feel the same (as me).
If two people don’t know a REAL two way match, when they are looking right in the face of one (or not) ...... they will soon be here starting threads ....... “why me” - “why don’t guys call” - “what did I do wrong”.
I’ve not been on a date is ....... around four years and ......... that is fine with me. I will just continue to keep my eyes open for a potential REAL two way match.
To many are too desperate (end up with mismatches) or too skeptical and end up missing the boat.
If I ever am face to face with a potential two match again - she will know it and so will I - and it will happen FAST.
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I've never done the "date and see how it goes" and never will. Not even when I was a kid. I either already knew I wanted her as a girlfriend - or she was never ask out.
(exception - I did go on a few dates about four/five years ago and stopped all together - it was totally out of sort for me - but I had heard all this "how do you know" babble)
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I also don't go along with this "their on good behavior" at first thing. I think you can tell within 30-90 minutes if you like them or not. Personally I think I can tell in 5 minutes if I would want a gal for a girlfriend.
Things have changed a heck of a lot since my last "start up" relationship - that was back in 1986 .. but I doubt things are all that different now. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:51:46 PM | Instant attraction-relationship...it is me too...
I met my ex on (Valentines Day) party...and he asked me to marry him on next date...one week later... | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 8:13:06 PM | | I see young ones do it all the time. Meet, date and next thing you know they are living together. It comes on fast. So to say it only happens to those over 50 is incorrect. Heck, I didn't even know 50 year olds did that. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/12/2009 8:35:34 PM | Op said:
Three people I know (all over 50) have recently "coupled up" after a mere 2-3 weeks of dating-- which means the probably saw each other 5-6 times at the most (figuring jobs, distance, teenage kids, family obligations, et.c taking up most of their days).
In the first place, I don't think most people over 50 have teenaged kids at home, and a lot of them don't even have jobs or family obligations taking up their time, but that depends on how much over 50 they are. I'm finding many men seem to be retired at a younger age, or at least slowing down, with part-time work or self-employed... so take that away, and you may be wrong in your assumption that 2-3 weeks means 5-6 times of seeing each other. Even with long distance, while they may not have had that many visits, each visit most likely lasted for days or even weeks, and each date (day) was most likely 12-14 hours, as opposed to a 3-5 hour date, because they knew their time together was limited... Then again, you don't say how much over 50 they were. You are only 45. I saw things a lot different when I was 45, than I do now at almost 60.
Your examples in msg 33 ARE a little extreme. I don't think that's the norm...are these the ones you were talking about in your original post?
With me, it may look to some like it happens soon, but actually, I'm doing some eliminating and learning by email, IM, and (sometimes) phone before it even makes it to the first meet. (I go on VERY FEW meets) There are certain traits that won't work for me, and it's surprising how many of them show up in emails, if you converse long enough. Then it sometimes takes 3 meetings for me to determine whether I even want to continue seeing this person, even though I'm not yet ready to call it exclusive. When it gets to the point where we both want it to be exclusive, it doesn't mean marriage, or even living together yet....it only means that we enjoy each other's company, and are going to date only each other and see how well it goes...or doesn't....after all, this is when you REALLY learn a lot about the other person. (And yes, at this point, I'm calling it a 'relationship')
'Dating' isn't fun for me. I'm a one man woman, and am happiest when I'm at that point. The men I've dated, I've had no regrets about going exclusive to see if they could maybe be the one for me. What you call 'rushing into coupledom', to me, just means I found someone that I'm interested in learning more about. I don't have a time limit...every relationship is different. The heart knows no rules. Like Curls22 said...
If both parties are satisfied, then who is to judge?
And knowing that I can be very reserved and private, the other person wouldn't know me very well This could well be why you feel the way you do. It doesn't take long for someone to get to know ME. I'm who I am from the get-go, and I look for a man who is the same...and if he isn't, I can find that out better while we are exclusive, than when not. I think some don't let their guard down UNTIL they are in an exclusive relationship.
I would want at least a year to allow a relationship to develop, and get to know each other. Oh Mandrake, if someone would make me wait a YEAR to even ALLOW a relationship to develop, I'm sorry, but I'd be GONE, seeing that as a TOTAL lack of interest.  | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 6:52:44 AM | There’s a fine line between being a fool and rushing in and being played for a fool by someone whose intention is to keep you on a string under the guise of “I want to be sure”, while they continue to keep their options open.
I think as people get older, there is a sense that since the amount of time left to enjoy a relationship is getting shorter, they don’t want to waste any of it. Some respond to that by throwing caution to the wind and grabbing on to whatever happiness comes their way, because tomorrow, the ability to enjoy that happiness may be gone. Others respond by being ultra cautious because they don’t want to make a mistake and end up wasting their time in a relationship that doesn’t last, perhaps in the process, passing up one that might have.
Personally, I’m in the former category. I’m not a toe dipper. I jump in with both feet even if the water is up to my neck. I live my life, thoroughly enjoying all the moments of great happiness that I’m fortunate enough to experience. I don’t “have to be sure” that they’re going to last forever, and if they don’t, that’s ok with me. I’ve had the opportunity to experience them instead of spending my life searching for them. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:46:43 AM |
I had an extremely good idea of what I wanted. So, when I found it, it didn't take me long to realize it.
I guess this is what I don't understand... how can you know a person is what you want if you haven't time to uncover who they are?
If you've talked with a lot of potential candidates, and met many, you develop a keen intuition (well, some people do) about new people you meet. When I say it didn't take long to realize it when someone was a great match, you have to realize that I rarely met anyone before emailing for several weeks and exploring serious topics involving compatibility issues - as well as lighter, fun things, of course.
When I finally did meet someone, I already had an excellent idea of their values, goals, experiences, attitudes, beliefs, and interests. Meeting was mainly about seeing if physical attraction and chemistry existed, plus confirming the impressions gained by email and talking. After a few dates, it was almost always completely clear if the relationship had long-term serious potential - or not. When it's all good, you're both incredibly attuned and "into each other" amazingly quickly, and having done our homework, it's not simply based on lust. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 12:08:03 PM | ^^^^I agree with you, Zen.
I also agree with this...
I don’t “have to be sure” that they’re going to last forever, and if they don’t, that’s ok with me. I’ve had the opportunity to experience them instead of spending my life searching for them. I'm LOOKING for my last love, of course, at my age, but in the meantime...there is only one way to find out who it is...and my experiences in between have not been bad ones, just more learning to be done as to what I'm looking for. Each relationship makes me a better person, I think.
~DC~ | |
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*Don*
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Joined: 1/30/2009
Msg: 42 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 12:34:04 PM | It’s funny … whenever I’ve had a longer (5-10 years +) relationship with someone, I’ve known about it, the first day I met them. I don’t remember ever rushing into things, but I knew that this could definitely be serious. And I let her know I knew – in a rather subtle way, of course.
I’ve always been a great fan of the early part of serious relationships – the emotions get such a pleasant stimulation. So I purposely try to not rush things, even though the heart usually wants me to try. I hate missing anything or any part of the beginning parts of relationships because I skipped over it too quickly to get to the next part. Usually, the women that I’ve had these relationships with, have felt the same. But in spite of the fact I didn’t want to rush things or have them rushed by my partner … I knew. I knew from Day One, sometimes from Face-to-Face One, that this would be someone that would very important in my life.
And don’t ask me to tell anyone ‘how’ I knew, for I haven’t a clue. And honestly, I really don’t want to know. Some things, I believe, are better left as mysteries.
D | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 4:47:18 PM | | The answer is simple, some people just throw caution to the wind and go for it, others go by the checklist of 5000 items documented on this site, its just that simple... | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 44 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 4:52:49 PM |
The answer is simple, some people just throw caution to the wind and go for it, others go by the checklist of 5000 items documented on this site, its just that simple... well, isn't there a middle ground? | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 4:59:17 PM | | Absolutely, play it the way you like it, just don't talk yourself out of a good thing by being too logical, know what I mean? Good luck, its Friday time for dancing wahooo! | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 5:40:50 PM | | I am sick of dating! Also, since they say there is only a 5% chance a woman my age will ever become part of a long term couple maybe those that are with someone are holding on tight!! | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 5:45:33 PM |
Every single relationship - I was ever in was > instant. Also they lasted longer than average
...
It takes me about 15 seconds to sort ....... 99% would be sorted out. I have to agree with Ron - there are such thing as an instant attraction. However, I tried few times to keep dating when I didn't feel the attraction instantly. They were great men - it just didn't work.
Every time I feel the connection, I know for sure I could spend with this man long-long time. Of course, sometimes he doesn't feel that back
BTW, my LTR didn't take too much time to figure this out, too. Not even 4 month...it just took longer to get married, but become a couple - instantly | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:10:26 PM | | I dont understand it myself why the rush, i think alot of it has to do with the aging process and who wants to be alone after you reach the age of 50. I have always believed that two people need to get to know one another before they decide to take the plunge and couple up. Its better to find out in the first year at least to find out if you will be compatible enough to live with each other for the rest of your lives, or the ole till death do you part. Just my two cents... | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:26:27 PM |
I am sick of dating! Also, since they say there is only a 5% chance a woman my age will ever become part of a long term couple maybe those that are with someone are holding on tight!!
I can't find a source for that other than Oprah said it. Do you know if it is even true? | |
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