| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 7:51:29 PM | I am over 50 and definately am in no rush to coupledom!
The Older I get I tend to think about it more, than I did when I was much younger.
I would not couple up until I at least dated 6months. And then I would be watching
closely for all the signs I did not like to see if I was really making the right decision.
I do no limit my dating to POF, however, I have had face-face meetings from off this site. But I've had several phone conversations with men I have no intention of meeting now that we talked on phone.
If I meet someone interesting online, I like to move it along and talk on phone
and then meet if I desire, so I can move on, if that meeting turns out not so well.
I have had plenty of dates, and I am over 50.
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/13/2009 8:25:44 PM | OP I am not clear on what you classify a couple.
Is it after you begin to have sex?
Or after you promise not to date any others?
Or is it moving in together?
The first two don't seem that drastic to me. It is fairly easy to bail if things don't pan out during either of these stages.
The last one definitely requires more consideration. | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 53 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 12:46:56 AM |
OP I am not clear on what you classify a couple. Boyfriend-girlfriend--declaring after a couple dates "We are an exclusive, serious, monogamous couple."
As in, I met you on Friday, I called you on Tuesday, we had dinner on Friday-- we are now in a serious, exclusive committed relationship. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 1:49:17 AM | I haven't changed that much (if at all) on the subject over the last fifty years (yikes!). One, or two, or three dates is certainly enough for me to rule out dating other peeps, and concentrating on the subject of my interest. Nope, didn't and doesn't always lead to long term, but during the exploration process I am serious, committed, and exclusive. I don't consider it rushing, and wonder how others juggle multiples as they're seeking to discover another soul.
Happy Valentine's all!
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 2:34:08 AM | as a monogamous person by nature, i am having a hard time with all this "dating". if i found a person of substance that would "fit" and with whom i find enjoyment and a natural flow, i would follow along the path of least resistance and give it a quality whirl. however, i would not fool myself into thinking that this man is the "one". i may hope so, but i'd find out one day at a time. our goals and outlook on relationships would have to be similar. the outcome will present itself when the universe is ready. so, if you see him, please send him my way and i will do the same for you! well, that is, if you're a guy, i'll send "her" your way.  | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 5:58:59 AM | | serenitycw (mess55) said it best! I too am having trouble with this 'dating' thing. I am also monogamous by nature, so I don't understand how someone can not be... if I find someone that I am interested in, I will by instinct, stop 'looking' until I decide if there is anything between the two of us. It shouldn't take long and why confuse the situation by bringing in 3rd parties? to much drama! | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 6:10:48 AM |
OP I am not clear on what you classify a couple. Boyfriend-girlfriend--declaring after a couple dates "We are an exclusive, serious, monogamous couple." As in, I met you on Friday, I called you on Tuesday, we had dinner on Friday-- we are now in a serious, exclusive committed relationship.
Thanks for clearing that up. Sounds like dating exhaustion and settling which, unless you are settling for an abuser or alcoholic or something equally horrible, isn't that terrible.
As long as they don't rush off to the Justice of the Peace or move in together before they really know one another, this is just dating one person at a time.
They'll find out whether they are really compatible the only way people can, through time. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 6:27:06 AM | The answer to me seems very obvious and I am quite surprised that no one has mentioned it thus far. Simply put, if I am interested enough in someone that we start having sex then I expect exclusivity. With exclusivity comes the titles of "Couple" or Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Its that simple. Would it make it more comfortable for everyone to use the euphemism "The Guy/Girl I am seeing"?????
I really don't get what the fuss is over what people label themselves as. This seems to be a POF phenomenon. It's not a first date, it's a first meeting etc.... Labels, labels, labels.....It's silly.
I am not now, nor have I ever been someone that multi-dates. Therefore, if I find someone that I am interested in enough to date, I feel that they deserve my full attention and I theirs. That way we can fully explore the developing attraction without extraneous input from others being involved.
It's a a matter of keeping things in a realistic perspective....... Just because the label of Couple or Boyfriend/Girlfriend is used does not mean that the people involved are rushing into anything serious or life changing. It does not imply that marriage or moving in together is imminent. What it really implies, in most cases, is that their is a healthy respect between the two people involved. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 7:10:26 AM | | Optismistic....what you said in your response is well thought out and mature. However, You don't really believe that is the "norm" do you? You make it sound so reasonable, "healthy respect between the two people involved". If that were the case, there would be no need for divorce lawyers or courts! Unfortunately after the newness wears off, so does all common sense.... | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 7:22:24 AM | ""healthy respect between the two people involved"
Yes, to me that should be normal. Being a widow of a successful, respectful marriage, I know that not only is it possible - it isn't a whole lot of work (which I so often see in the forums). Problem is you have to start off with two respectful people who common sense is too real to wear off. Truth be told a lot of people in datingland 45+ yrs old are there because they rushed into coupledom over and over and are still expecting it to work just because they want it to. Not much thought is given to - does this relationship have to chance from the begining. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 7:45:03 AM | rush, whirlwind.. bloody tornado!!
Ive met with about 10 guys so far off pof. 1 didnt want to see me again after the first coffee- distance he said.
the other 9 - my god - from - i havent felt like this in years" , "i think you're the one," can i see you tomorrow, etc etc....
how can men tell so fast that i might be "the one" and telling me that so soon only makes me want to back off, if they think thats the way to get me into bed its not,
is it that if they have a "short list" of requirements- slim, healthy, decently intelligent, not on drugs etc that that's all they want by 40+ ?
I honestly dont know if i should take it as a compliment or if I am being duped but its got my head spinning! | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 8:44:48 AM |
""healthy respect between the two people involved"
Yes, to me that should be normal. So, you agree that they should stop seeing others once they want to figure out how their relationship is gonna work
but VVV
Truth be told a lot of people in datingland 45+ yrs old are there because they rushed into coupledom over and over and are still expecting it to work just because they want it to. Not much thought is given to - does this relationship have to chance from the begining. now you are saying that people shouldn't rush into being a couple (aka being exclusive) every time they see someone potentially worthy
I am totally agree with Optimistically Cynical:
Therefore, if I find someone that I am interested in enough to date, I feel that they deserve my full attention and I theirs. That way we can fully explore the developing attraction without extraneous input from others being involved.
It's a a matter of keeping things in a realistic perspective....... Just because the label of Couple or Boyfriend/Girlfriend is used does not mean that the people involved are rushing into anything serious or life changing
well said | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 9:40:30 AM | A lot of people just don't get it. Still haven't learned after all these years. If it was wise to rush in to coupledom breakup rate wouldn't be what it is. The stories of how much work a relationship take wouldn't be heard.
If people don't love themselves all the coupledom in the world isn't going to help. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 10:04:18 AM | | By the time you hit 55, you have been dating a good 40 years & should be able to weed out the undesirables. By that time, you should also be more compromising to others idiosyncrasysies. I don't think it has as much to do with desperation, but more to do with understanding. When young certain things will make you go stupid, such as hitting the ice cold water cause he left up the toilet seat. But after raising boys & a husband, it no longer is an issue. Just like him peeing all over the seat cause you left it down is no longer an issue. I think as you get older you get more mellow & learn to appreciate the good things in someone & not dwell on the not so good. But I'm not talking about the bright red flags, just the little yellow ones that don't really affect the whole relationship. I can see how being with someone for just a few weeks would turn into being an exclusive couple. Why not, if there is friendship & chemistry & the two like each other why not? Besides when you get older you can't multiple date cause your memory goes and there is nothing worse than calling out Richard when Henry is on top of you. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 10:22:00 AM |
Besides when you get older you can't multiple date cause your memory goes and there is nothing worse than calling out Richard when Henry is on top of you.
If you call Richard D*ck, you won't have that problem.
If you call out D*ck, when Henry is on top of you, he'll just think you really want it bad.
Conversely if you call Henry Harry, and you accidentally call out his name when with D*ck, he can just assume you are talking about his general fuzziness.
And if D*ck is hairless...well then you are screwed. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 10:49:30 AM | | BBW2 LOL, but sheez that is way tooo much to remember. Maybe I should just call all guys lord. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 11:17:03 AM | If it was wise to rush in to coupledom breakup rate wouldn't be what it is. The stories of how much work a relationship take wouldn't be heard. Isn't it better to stop seeing others (to be a couple) and figure out where it's going and break up later, if it's not what you wanted rather than sit in front of computer for years and think that it's too much work to be in relationship?
to each their own, I guess | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 1:07:28 PM | | Not all of us want to be part of a couple. Bet there are quite a few people who are just happy to have friends and dates. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 2:15:31 PM |
Not all of us want to be part of a couple. Sure...I was assuming we are talking about OP question - how long it should take to become a couple - 2-3 months or 2-3 dates. There were no reference about not wanting ever to be a couple... | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 2:40:27 PM | llanegirl...omg! me too! I thought it was just me! I keep thinking ' what is wrong with all the other women out there!" lol
For me, if a guy falls for me that fast, without getting to know me, I'm turned off, suspicous... | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 5:43:53 PM | So...where is your confidence?
You think you are not worth their attention? | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 8:29:53 PM | "You think you are not worth their attention? "
Nah.............but would prefer the attention of a non desperate person.
No reason to post about some not wanting to be part of a couple...........I disagree. Those who rush into becoming a couple think that obsessing about being part of a couple is something everybody does. Pointing out that some people have other goals in life, might.................might just make them think about their life and their goals. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 10:18:39 PM | | You know, I know a couple married for over forty years where he asked for her hand in marriage on the second date. On the other hand I know people who have a one year rule before even thinking about marriage. Hasn't worked out well for them. Its the match created, not the time spent, that counts. | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 74 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 11:25:57 PM | How do you know? That's my issue I guess. People are saying "you just know!" when you meet someone. People date 3-4 times, declare themselves a couple and decide to become emotionally (and physically) invested.
When do you learn about the deal breakers? And are you more willing to settle or make allowances for/ignore deal breakers if you figure you're already "committed" after 30 days? Or do you end it and say it "didn't work out?"
If you're looking for a financially responsible person, when do you learn if s/he pays the bills on time and has a manageable debt load? When do you find out their credit cards are maxed out, past due and they're consistently late on their payments to the point of getting their electricity shut off now and then?
If you want someone who is emotionally balanced, when do you learn they take 3 types of drugs for depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorder? And sometimes forget? And need to see their therapist once a week.
If you want someone family-oriented, when do you see how dysfunction they are when it comes to family relations, and how they mercilessly tease their little brother to the point of abuse- all in good fun?
If you're a non/light/social drinker, when do you realize s/he has a tendency to consistently get sloshed or deals with upset/problems by drinking?
When do you learn he was fired from his last 2 jobs for sexual harassment?
When do you learn she's known as the office bully and treats her co-workers poorly?
Because these are things we wouldn't disclose or learn within the first 5-10 dates.
Like the guy who, after 3 months of contact, finally told me he was a cross dresser, kept a wardrobe of woman's clothing, had herpes, had intimate relations with transsexuals, and liked to troll gay bars and strip joints. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/14/2009 11:51:12 PM | Rush?...If I was moving any slower I'd be going backwards I know, you've all heard me say I'm not in any hurry, but come on....I've here for how long now? 3 years....it's just ridiculous
...maeflowers | |
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