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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:22:32 AM | "Boyfriend-girlfriend--declaring after a couple dates "We are an exclusive, serious, monogamous couple."
As in, I met you on Friday, I called you on Tuesday, we had dinner on Friday-- we are now in a serious, exclusive committed relationship."
Yes way too soon to be so serious, as in a committed relationship.
But in the same sense, I could see it happening, to the point of wanting to focus on the one person to see where it will go. I do not think it happens often that you meet someone that you feel that way with, at least not for me. But in the last 48 years it did happen once.
I think when we were younger we just fell into it, and it is assumed you are a couple after seeing each other a few weeks, and not a lot of discussion was involved.
Those relationships did not last, so now we feel we need to take things slow to see, before deciding this is a good person, and most importantly someone I want to spend time with and get to know better. So we are more cautious and yes even wiser, when deciding we want to be exclusive.
But I do believe that sometimes , if you are very very lucky , you have a good idea pretty quickly , that you are very compatible and if both parties feel the same way, it could work. But of course no commitment as in living together, or marriage , quickly.
I have always been the type to take these things very slowly, and very cautiously,
not investing my emotions into a relationship, without the assurance of not getting hurt.
And I suppose I am still like that, but I have also learned that sometimes you meet someone that just feels right, and you do not want to see others, and would rather they did not either. But your sense of not wanting to be hurt in some way, tells you that you both should, to be sure of what you think is there.
But while you are dating others, that is time you could be spending getting to know this person better, that has come into your life. And honestly , how often do we meet someone that we want to get to know better, for me it just doesn't happen every day.
So I can understand what you are saying, because my whole life I have been that way, except that one time.
I guess , once in a while you throw caution to the wind and hope for the best outcome possible. And if you are really lucky, it works. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/15/2009 5:50:34 AM | "Boyfriend-girlfriend--declaring after a couple dates "We are an exclusive, serious, monogamous couple."
As in, I met you on Friday, I called you on Tuesday, we had dinner on Friday-- we are now in a serious, exclusive committed relationship."
Commitment , implies permanence , long term, or forever.
There are no guarantees in life, and even the ones we were committed to,
are no longer here, for whatever reasons.
I think this is why many, are so put off by the idea.
If we could just commit, to giving it our best and giving it the chance it needs
to grow, we would maybe all be a bit more successful.
Instead of being afraid of the word, and what it implies.
(This includes me as well).
Just a thought | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/15/2009 10:25:01 AM | | confidence? I don't think it's a lack of confidence on my part, but over confidence on their part... after one lunch talking about a future is moving a little quick for me! I have all kinds of confidence, maybe to much! Maybe thats why I haven't had a relationship since my divorce. Absolutely refuse to settle! | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/15/2009 11:54:19 AM | You know optimistic...I feel so much the same way. As far as being labeled as a couple..I think that should start when you become sexual. If you want to become sexual with someone you've been seeing, it should only be natural that you would want it to be exclusive. And I agree that time will bring out parts of the personality that may not be shown at first. We're always at our best behavior in the beginning, it's only human nature. For most people anyway. Everybody has their own opinions about when you want to become a couple while dating someone.
I say...when you become sexual, than thats when the exclusiveness starts. So, I guess you become a "couple". And I'd expect it to be mutual. That doesn't mean to get married or move in. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/15/2009 12:13:07 PM | | Not intending to flame anyone, but some of you are way over-thinking this. Doesn't anyone just have fun and let things develop naturally anymore? So what if someone wants to feel like a couple after 2 dates? Or 20? | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/15/2009 12:53:20 PM |
Doesn't anyone just have fun and let things develop naturally anymore
I sure try to just have fun and let things evolve naturally, but unfortunately, a lot of people seem to feel that if you aren't exclusive and monogomous by the second date, they don't want anything to do with you. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/15/2009 1:20:55 PM | as mentioned in an above post, some feel that we should know by now, in light of our age. but, many of us have had serial monogamous relationships and have not dated all that much in the past. for me, i've had so many "dates" of late, that my head reels. i never "dated" this much when i was younger and i weed out even more at this age via writing, phone talks, coffee meets, etc. but, even then, there is more to learn. so, i understand why some of you have purely given up. as for me, i just pace myself and try to keep a balance in my life. lately, i've been more prone to hanging with friends who know me and who i know, care about me. unfortunately, my male friends are much younger and i don't feel comfortable "dating" any of them. sure, i could have a couple good years, but i don't see growing old with someone that young!
you can pretty much tell a person's behavior when they start acting out from the beginning! let's see: control freaks, narcissists, looking for sex only, etc. and then i am told there are the ones who just love you from the start and expect you to marry them immediately and take care of them. my friend goes to a very conservative church and she is very attractive. she's gotten several near marriage proposals from men she only just meets. i told her that if she became more "liberal", she'd get to see more variety of a different kind. she just laughed and says she's "given up".
finally there is the illusive chemistry. i feel i am level headed with that definition. however, recently had a long talk with a male buddy and now i am confused as to the definition. seems some people enjoy others, have great sex with them, love doing stuff together AND feel comfortable--but say there is NO chemistry! what are they looking for then? i'm told a person can be a total a--hole and there CAN be chemistry? huh. now that it illogical to me.
so, maybe if you finally meet someone who you can "click" with, you just want more and more of it. after all, if you've been "dating", based upon my experience, you certainly have paid your dues! what is wrong with wanting partnership and love on a 24 /7 or at least "frequent and regular" basis, ultimately? now, that being said, i assume both parties are active listeners and observers and in general, want what they are getting into. how all that "configures" depends on the individuals. if you are just looking for activity partners or f--- buddies, then that is a different "market segment"! | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/15/2009 1:24:12 PM | Not intending to flame anyone, but some of you are way over-thinking this. Doesn't anyone just have fun and let things develop naturally anymore? So what if someone wants to feel like a couple after 2 dates? Or 20?
Well sure...when you first go out, then it might only take 2 dates or 20...but once it does becomes physical, then my way is to keep it exclusive. What's great is, it's a free country and you can live your life anyway you want. I'm just giving my view point of how I want it. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:45:24 AM | | My take is most people my age (fifty plus for this old pirate) are long time members of coupels and being single is not comfortable. being in a couple, any couple, is better for some than going solo. Now mind you I am not much for the solo thing. Been on my own most of th last eight years, but I agree that coupeling too quick is just a mistake waiting to happen most times. i doubt that we get more astute at picking em as we get older. More set in our ways and maybe slower to let people in on any level, but given the number of failed marriages and other relationships i doubt astude is a good discription for us. On the whole landra any generalization we make about a big group like singles over 45 is most likely to have maaaaany exceptions. But my guess is the real reason for quick coupeling is just plain inability to deal with being alone and thinking being alone means being lonely. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 12:36:01 PM | "are long time members of coupels and being single is not comfortable"
I am sure you are probably right, but I don't get it. I am the same person whether I am in a couple or single. I like myself and am comfortable with myself in any circumstance.
ps I always stay single from a fair amount of time between being part of a couple, but then my comfort either way is probably the reason for that. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 12:52:43 PM |
Doesn't anyone just have fun and let things develop naturally anymore? So what if someone wants to feel like a couple after 2 dates? Or 20?
I swear I am going to get Tshirts printed up to wear to concerts, jam sessions, auctions, or just talking to a male friend in public;
"THE MAN SITTING/STANDING NEXT TO ME IS NOT MY HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND.
He may be a friend, or acquaintance, or somebody I don't know from Adams off ox. The conversation we exchanged was general small talk. We are not a couple."
Obviously, if something flows naturally into a dating/relationship situation with a guy, the Tshirts go to the thrift shop.
Yep, I'm for just enjoying the experience of meeting someone and if it's meant to be it will be. If either of us has to convince or pressure either ourself, or the other person,that we should become a couple, motives need to be examined. And when I say become a couple, I'm simply referring to exclusively dating. Decisions to mingle finances, cohabit or marry need to come after dating for at least a few months or even a year. In fact, at age 45+, I'm not sure the couple needs to join at the hip/cohabit,anyway. Seems like separate but interactive lives might be a reasonable option. If both really and sincerely want to live together and it's not just about one of the couple solving an economic or practical problem, that's all well and good, but we all need to remind ourselves that if a failed relationship destroys our finances, living in a VW crate on the railroad rights( or a van down by the river LOL) isn't gonna be an entertaining "adventure"!
Cindy O | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 1:38:54 PM | I think that most people who rush into being part of a couple, planned to before they even meet the person..........which doesn't say much for that couple in my opinion.
The rush has more to do with fear of not being part of a couple than how wonderful the person is.
Last night a friend was discussing her bother and wife we me. They got married 1 1/2 yrs. ago, after dating for a short period. Both were looking for someone to marry shortly before they met. Problem is that they didn't have her child for the weekend, yet spent all week with either his or her parents which is what they do every weekend. They don't do alone time as a couple so I have to wonder. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 2:03:19 PM | Pointless, pointless, pointless.......... Too many of you are way over thinking the concept of a couple. Just because two people designate themselves as a couple does not necessarily mean they are in a rush to cohabitate or run off and get married. what it does mean is that they have found someone in which they want to invest all of their romantic interest and explore where it may go from there.
Some of you are making the idea of being a couple as being sinister and unhealthy. Isn't becoming a couple one of the main objectives of dating? Don't most of us want to find a significant other in which we can invest our emotional energies and have that investment returned equally? I don't know about the rest of you, but that is why I date. Dating is not a recreational activity for me. It is simply a means to an end.
I will agree that some people rush into things way too fast. All you have to do to ascertain that fact is go to the "Success Stories" part of POF and find out how many couples have met, dated and married in months time. That's pretty scary to me.
However, I believe that the vast majority of people entering into the realm of becoming a couple do so with the right intent, with good and proper intentions, and with their eyes wide open........
Once again........... Labeling yourselves as a couple does not mean you are in a rush to get married.......... All this means is that two people have found each other and want to exclusively explore all of the potential without extraneous distractions from other people. In most cases I think this denotes a healthy respect for one another rather than any fear of being alone or fear of not being in a relationship.
Some people on this thread need to stop taking their bitter and jaded pills. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 5:07:01 PM | Pointless, pointless, pointless "Sounds defensive.
"Too many of you are way over thinking the concept of a couple."
Some people seem to be missing the "Rushing" part.
Some people get defensive when someone first suggests that they are needy and rushing too fast to find a partner.
I have to ask myself what is the big rush. Why so uncomfortable at not being part of a couple?
"Some people on this thread need to stop taking their bitter and jaded pills. "
I am very much against rushing into anything, especially being part of a couple. Yet, I am a widow from a good marriage. I find people throw the word bitter and jaded when they aren't allowing others to disagree with them. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 6:47:14 PM | i have done more than most in my lifetime. it's not about being needy or codependent, anymore than those who are more introverted and need more private time are necessarily bitter and jaded. for me, i'm a very touchy feeley and physical person and i'm an extrovert and i like doing things with my man--cooking, reading quietly together knowing he is there, going to bed at night holding each other, et al.
however, that does not mean i will settle. it just means i keep looking and if i find someone with "potential", then i am willing to do the work to see if it will work. i always liked my work, so work is not a bad word for me!  to each, his/her own! as said above, just because you are over 45 does not a "group consensus" make. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 8:33:38 PM |  why the rush to anything, at this age in life?
(gosh I love being retired)
You can do whatever you want.. and don't have to do any rushing around to do it. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 10:26:14 PM |
I sure try to just have fun and let things evolve naturally, but unfortunately, a lot of people seem to feel that if you aren't exclusive and monogomous by the second date, they don't want anything to do with you.
Bingo, you just found a deal breaker criteria--for you. We all have them, but they are different for all of us. Some people have fewer and seem to be more adaptable or have some sixth sense that just seems to know when perfection has arrived. Others of us have been married for 12-20 years when a dealbreaker arose, or possibly became intollerable. We will have a longer list--it seems mine gets longer everytime a relationship doesn't work out. For us perhaps watching paint dry is like speed dating. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/16/2009 10:32:52 PM |
I have to ask myself what is the big rush. Why so uncomfortable at not being part of a couple?
Well Moraima, I suspect this is partially a gender issue. My life expectancy goes up four years if I am part of a couple--even a bad couple. Yours does not statistically increase. So men have a vested interest in being a "couple" while women do not. At my age (I haven't checked yours) it is getting close to being a matter of life and death. On the other hand I still think that quality of life counts for something too. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 9:32:30 AM |
I am very much against rushing into anything, especially being part of a couple. Yet, I am a widow from a good marriage. I find people throw the word bitter and jaded when they aren't allowing others to disagree with them. moraima, I see your point...you are making it clear in each topic:
1. you don't want to get married ever;
2. you don't want to be a part of a couple;
3. you are from a good marriage (presumably people who want to find a partner are from bad relationship)
But you are on the dating site, so I ASSUME you still have a hope to meet someone? Or just like the forums and it substitutes your need for communication?
Don't you think, that this brick wall you built in your mind, holds you from better experiences? Especially, if your marriage was really that good, you have an experience to build another good relationship? maybe, if you change the attitude, you would be much happier (this is just an advice - not judgement or some negativity). | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 11:17:40 AM |
I'm surprised at how easy it seemed for them to "find someone" when so many on POF are just hoping for a date-- or a phone call.
This question has so many levels to it – so I’ll try to hit the highlights.
Over 50 and widowed – they will find someone quickly if they want to – because they will settle for less then they want just so they are not alone or are so alone and confused they “have” to have someone.
Over 50 and divorced – they will find someone if their comfort range is to be with someone – even if they have deep conflicting points of view. They are not looking for Mr. Right – they are looking for Mr. Convenient.
Over 50 and still single – will take anything they can get.
I get your statement about wanting and not getting a date.
The only difference between the group of couples and you is that they were willing to accept less then what they wanted for whatever reason (this is my opinion – some may have found Mr. Perfect first try).
On the other hand – and good for you I might add, you know what you want, have a backbone, and are not willing to settle for less.
Hopefully I will not get flamed for that -- I know it's a generalization.
Basically, you are just different right now -- and there is nothing wrong with that.
Best | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 11:28:51 AM |
Don't you think, that this brick wall you built in your mind, holds you from better experiences? Especially, if your marriage was really that good, you have an experience to build another good relationship? maybe, if you change the attitude, you would be much happier (this is just an advice - not judgement or some negativity).
My word! A tad bit presumptious to imply that a person who is not half of a couple has a bad attitude and is not happy. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 11:57:17 AM | I don't understand why someone in their 50's (or any age for that matter) that finds someone they like and decides to stick around and see where things go...and becomes a couple because thats what happens when you see someone exclusively...is either desperate or rushing things?
Now there is a difference between someone NOT wanting a relationship and someone wanting a relationship. But the question is why rush to coupledom...and it seems to me if both parties are happy with each other and are interested enough to take time with each other (and have sex with each other) ...why not rush to coupledom?
Do people really believe the next best thing or the perfect one is right around the corner?
For people who are LOOKING for a relationship...there is no reason to not become a couple if you find someone you like.
For those NOT looking for a relationship...I don't see how this question even applies.
When did things become so complicated anyways?
PS...yeah what curls said in post 81!
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 12:08:47 PM |
A tad bit presumptious to imply that a person who is not half of a couple has a bad attitude and is not happy. I didn't say - happy, but happier. And nothing about BAD attitude - there are many different ones, and nothing is wrong with any of them.
It was my assumption that if someone is looking for something on a dating site, it means they are not totally satisfied with what they have. There are many other places in the net where you can talk to people about your interests (if you have ones) w/o trying to figure why these people who want to be with someone, would find their mate as soon as 2-3 weeks. What about all these years they tried before that?
I guess the best answers were provided by married people, right? That's it - people rush into a coupledom because they have low standards, they settle for less than they want etc. I guess, the marriage which makes you look around is the best thing which ever happened to them | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 12:11:55 PM | "My life expectancy goes up four years if I am part of a couple--even a bad couple. "
There you go.............I would give up a decade of life rather than spend a decade with the wrong person.
"On the other hand I still think that quality of life counts for something too. "
I think the quality of life is the most important part of life. For me quality of life is all about being comfortable with myself, and has nothing to do with being part of a couple. | |
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