| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 12:16:43 PM | You assume a lot with your 1 through 3.
"Don't you think, that this brick wall you built in your mind, holds you from better experiences? Especially, if your marriage was really that good, you have an experience to build another good relationship? maybe, if you change the attitude, you would be much happier (this is just an advice - not judgement or some negativity). "
Problem is what is available, and has nothing to with my attitude. Call me negative if you wish, but I am not going to spoil my life with other peoples baggage.
"I ASSUME you still have a hope to meet someone?" Wrong. If I am ever surprised by a baggage free person, I will rethink the situation. Until then friends will do me just fine. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 12:26:12 PM | Im just interested why you are posting in a why the rush to coupledom forum when you are only interested in friends?
It just follows that everything you say regarding THIS thread will be negative.
People are asking a question regarding COUPLES...if you have nothing good to say
regarding those looking to be a couple...why would you post here?
oh...besides you CAN post here and you will if you want...and all the other obvious answers.
Im just wondering why you feel the need to be negative and then get defensive?
but hurry...I have the attention span of a gnat...and I might forget to check back here
for an answer. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 12:27:18 PM |
Wrong. If I am ever surprised by a baggage free person, I will rethink the situation. OK...I was wrong. Don't meet anyone if you don't want to.
But let me tell you something - we all have baggage - it's called LIFE. Life happens to all of us. You do have a lot of baggage as well.
Actually, people who never been married have it, too....divorced do...widowed people...you name it. I am personally not even sure who has it more.
Baggage is not a problem, it's like a death - we all will die eventually. The problem is in dealing with it. You accept someone's baggage - they do yours.
Moraima, I like your posts and didn't want to offend you with my answers. I understand that you are still not ready to meet people...and it's actually not bad at all. Everybody takes their own time. We have to be ready for relationship. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 12:33:29 PM |
People are asking a question regarding COUPLES...
Actually it is a post about why people rush into being a couple. There are a number of us, including the op, who don't really understand why people do it, and we have stated our reasons for not doing it, and why we think others are doing it. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 12:39:50 PM | How does someone else decide when its right for you to become a couple?
There is no time frame.
You become a couple when it is the right time for you...if that takes 2 hours,
2 days, 2 months or 2 years...what of it?
Becoming a couple after knowing someone a short time...does not make you
desperate or needy and does not mean you are rushing things.
It means you decided as adults that you like each other and are willing to
invest the time in seeing where things go.
nothing wrong with that and nothing for anyone else to understand.
We must really be running out of things to talk about if we need to talk about
why others do something...especially when its something that we have no intention
of doing ourselves.
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 106 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 12:47:17 PM |
Im just interested why you are posting in a why the rush to coupledom forum when you are only interested in friends? I don't know if you're referring to me or someone else. My profile says I'm looking for friends because I don't want to meet anyone with the expectation of starting a "romantic relationship". I'm not going to judge and dismiss men based on whether or not they they fit that ideal. I'm interested in having friends from all walks of life, all ages, with varied interests. My criteria for a serious relationship is a little more stringent, and currently I'm not looking for that.
I've watched 4 different friends "couple-up" after 3 dates. None of the 4 had been actively dating. True matches, or just no other options? I suppose by the time they get to know each other, they'll either break up, or realize their options are still limited and stick together by default.  Ahhh who knows--- could be true love. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 12:51:42 PM | "There are a number of us, including the op, who don't really understand why people do it, and we have stated our reasons for not doing it, and why we think others are doing it. "
Exactly. We are discussing the topic. Trying to find a reason to change our minds on what we have learned for far in our lives, or at least to understand why others find it necessary.
What I seem to get is that I am negative if I can't think like to people who think that rushing into being part of a couple is normal.
FYI............I used to think that as well. I had to learn that I was wrong and that there is a better way to live life for me. (That was decades ago, and I am still glad that they idea of not rushing to be part of a couple was shared by people.) I was hoping to share that learning with others. It doesn't bother me in the least if people want assume things about me. They have just as much right to post there thoughts as I do.
I have learned that for me, I need chemistry, common interests, and lack of baggage by either party to be in a relationship. This simply isn't available with people I hve met over the last number of years. I am fortunate enough to have meet friends that I have common interests and companionship with, and would much rather be with them then to be chasing coupledom.
I think one of the reason my marriage was such a success was that I waited 7 years before becoming part of a couple with someone. I didn't rush into anything.
Yes, I know I have a bad attitude
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 1:15:43 PM |
True matches, or just no other options?
If it's a true match, wonderful. "No other option" is just freakin' ridiculous, unless you are destitute and need a provider.
suppose by the time they get to know each other, they'll either break up, or realize their options are still limited and stick together by default
I can't speak for anybody else, but being by myself the rest of my life would be vastly preferable to being with someone "by default". I've resisted several propositions by men that they live with me and "help "me(???) for "awhile"(again???) because I could see EXACTLY that(relationship by default) happening. There will not BE a Mr. "oh well he'll have to do/it's better than being alone" in my life.
I won't rule out the possibility that I could quickly become a couple if I was fairly certain I'd met a man that God wanted me to be with,but I won't rush to coupledom simply because I'm tired of being by myself or because I feel some kind of social pressure.
Cindy O | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 2:19:22 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^........................................
I don't think age has anything to do with this.. problem.
I think people have a tendency to "rush" into "coupledom".. or relationships in general.. for a multitude of usually.. the wrong reasons. Well.. certainly not for love at any rate. Oh.. they may say they love each other.. but........... ?
There are those that have a specific date in mind.. that they don't want to live/go out.. alone anymore. As if reaching.. 40.. 50.. or 60.. and not having an SO.. is the worst thing that could ever happen to them. They'd rather settle for the next best thing for love.. and go coupledom with the first person to ask them. Then.. there are those that run into debts they can't afford to pay.. and latch on to the first one to ask them. Hoping the SO will "help" pay their debts. Or.. care for their medical.. pay the recent bills.. whilst "they" pay off their own old debts. There are also those that don't want to raise children/grandchildren alone.. and latch onto someone. Feeling too overwhelmed by having to care for children/grandchildren alone.
Personally.. it disgusts me. The relationships don't last.. and someone is always left feeling bitterly used.. and for good reason. However.. they then project that bitterness onto every other person of the opposite sex.. and someone that may have been a good catch for someone else at one time.. is now left tainted. Sad.. really.
Then we wonder why we can't find happiness and love here on POF. JMO | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 2:24:20 PM | Well Moraima you also think more clearly and can be objective about your emotions. The majority of people have a real problem with that. Staying single for a while between relationships is one of those things you can bet on, as in take those odds to vegas and come back rich. but it is not always a good thing. having been out of a serious relationship for a long time i can see i have some walls that will take serious effort to bring down. so you live, learn and keep on trucking.  | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 111 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 2:30:50 PM | I guess what got me to start this thread was seeing 4 friends couple-up.
The one I found the most puzzling was the couple who went out on one date and the following week they're a couple. It's puzzling because the girl had been in class for months and he had been so busy hitting on the other single women, he didn't notice her until his options ran dry. He had never shown any interest in her --I'd never seen them even talk. I wonder if he's really interested in her, or he just ended up with her by default.
Another friend (male) just met a married woman who is living in a hotel, estranged from her abusive husband, seeking therapy... and he's with her-- he considers him his girlfriend. His reasoning? "I haven't had sex in a year and she said I was nice to her"--- so now they're a couple.
Sigh... Oh that reminds me... I wonder who will "win" The Bachelor next week? He's been dating a gaggle of women for 6 weeks and is ready to propose!!
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 7:56:48 PM | "I wonder if he's really interested in her, or he just ended up with her by default."
You mentioned the word "default" multiple times in different postings. What do you mean by default?. Why are you analyzing peoples happiness and assume they rushed to "coupledom". Sounds as though you're jealous of them and what they have/found. Poor poor you :)
I'll chalk this up as a "pitty thread". | |
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Landra
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Joined: 9/10/2007
Msg: 113 | |
| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 8:18:57 PM | By default I mean a person who hasn't had a date in over a year
hasn't met, seen or found a person to date or who is willing to date him,
has hit on a number of women who aren't interested
and finally finds someone who agrees to go out with him
There was no one else.
He'd asked 14 out of 15 women to go out - none would.
The 15th finally agreed...though he had no interest in her for 3 months.
Because he's truly interested, or is that by default?
Desperate maybe? Lonely? Horny? Out of options? Who knows.
Poor poor me. LOL Pity me indeed LOL
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 8:37:13 PM | | Just confused to how it's your concern? Not sure what you're attempting to gain or learn from this topic. Still sounds as though you wish you had been the chosen one. Buckle buckaroo, Someone will find you worthy soon enough ;) | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/17/2009 9:45:42 PM |
By default I mean a person who hasn't had a date in over a year
hasn't met, seen or found a person to date or who is willing to date him,
has hit on a number of women who aren't interested
and finally finds someone who agrees to go out with him Landra, i have some example of "rushing" as you define it.
My friend was dating for 3 years, had twice a b/f for year each. She knew exactly what she wants and only aftre she spent a year with them she realised that they needed different things.
During the time she was dating, she had sometimes 3-5 first dates a week, every weekend she was busy. 2 years ago she met a man, who was looking for a beautiful woman taking great care about herslef. he needed "eye candy" She was exactly what he was looking.
On the other hand, he is succesful, established, w/o children (she doesn't have children as well), it was exactly what she was looking for. They became a couple after 3 dates:
1. coffee
2. dinner+movie
3. weekend together.
After that weekend they officially took their profile off the dating site where they met, and they are b/f and g/f for 2 years now. Everyone is happy. She is 40+, he is 50+...so definitely not spring chickens
I think if people knew who they want to meet, and had previous experience meeting wrong people - they will know very soon that's what they wanted. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/18/2009 7:11:39 AM | "Please, please try to understand that not being ready has nothing to do with most people decision not to actively chase people they aren't interested in.
In my opinion, some of us just don't have a need at this time in our life to be part of a couple. We don't need financial or emotion support (we have friends for the emotional part), and we have a single lifestyle that is great. Why, oh why would be want to rush into being part of a couple.
I realize that some people need to be part of a couple for many reasons, all off which they understand themselves. If that is what you need, please enjoy. However, please allow those of us who don't need to be part of a couple, and aren't rushing into anything to do what we enjoy.
"they will know very soon that's what they wanted. " I think in a lot of cases it is more about they know what they can get. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/18/2009 1:49:39 PM | I think that its always a case of "by default". You keep asking out women you are interested in until one of them says yes.
I really can't see any other situation, unless you want to date a bunch of women at the same time, and that is just too much trouble.
I do wonder why we are obliged to pair up however. In our youth it is understandable, we want to reproduce, but in our later years, after we have had the kids and done the suburbs, it is rather a nuisance that we are biologically driven to try to pair up from the moment that we find ourselves single. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/18/2009 6:26:36 PM |
It was at the encouragement of my daughter that I joined PoF to begin with....she had high hopes for her mom.... she can't believe that I haven't met anyone yet. She accuses me of self sabotaging Says I'm a lazy dater... What can I say?
Mae, show her pics of some of your local yokels and ask if SHE would date them..
Ooops... | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/19/2009 7:20:54 AM | Strange. Statistics show that most people marry with someone who lives within 2 miles of where they live. However, its pretty universal on POF that all the "local" prospects are poor. I wonder what that indicates?
Mind you, women like Mae and FFS certainly make me think that moving to the other side of the world might not be such a bad idea.... | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/19/2009 7:48:29 AM | I believe that when you meet someone you find real interest in you tend to date them and let the others fall to the wayside. Not that you deliberately couple up per sae but that you feel this person has something special worth exploring and you end up losing interest in dating others... at least for the meantime.. and if that has the appearance of coupling up then so be it.. nothing wrong with that but yes I can hear my female ancesters telling me to date around so that you KNOW he's the one... but looking back I have to wonder if it's because they didn't like him to begin with.. or else they be advising me to hog tie him.. lmao....
When the OP says that she watched people couple up out of desperation well how sad is that? I pray I'm never that desperate that being alone is looked upon as leprosy... I hope that went out in the middle ages...
I have younger friends who tend to couple up without reservation because I don't think they are having any better luck then I am with finding mr. right... I'm part of the heaven forbid over 50 crowd... but as we live longer and with the stats on divorce I'd say the well hasn't run dry yet for me........ lol..
I think the trick is to find mr right passing through the pond on his way towards the next real relationship... I have come to believe that the fish that grows ever bigger in this vast pond has chosen another path in life and that doesn't include looking for a real relationship.. I believe truly the longer you stay in this pond the more cynical you become.. sort of like Hotel California.... | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/21/2009 6:29:48 PM | I think the quality of life is the most important part of life. For me quality of life is all about being comfortable with myself, and has nothing to do with being part of a couple.
I'll have to disagree with you on that, no one, absolutely no one, unless they are alone on an island self determines the total quality of their life. As John Donne so aptly put it: "No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." You can choose to be alone and isolated but quality of life has everything to do with relationship, not even, and certainly not just marriage, but relationship including marriage has everything to do with quality of life. I also disagree with the notion of being "part" of a couple. The very usage of that term defines it as NOT a couple but two parts pretending to be a couple.
Trying to find a reason to change our minds on what we have learned for far in our lives, or at least to understand why others find it necessary.
I think you've answered your question. I don't think coupling is a ratiocentive concept any more than being heterosexual or gay is a choice. For you, it sounds to me, that you didn't learn it, you never needed it. As for those that do, when they find a match they become a couple. Some can do it in one date. Other's take years to work out the parameters. There's nothing wrong with not coupling, nor is there anything wrong with "the rush" or "need" to couple. Where there is room for debate is not over coupling but over whether a particular couple is truly well founded. That's not my judgement except in my case. I've made mistakes. That doesn't make me have no desire to couple. The need to couple is not ratiocenitive, it is a part of who I am. (BTW, gay couples have the same need and drive just with a different gender pairing.) | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/23/2009 8:45:36 AM | "No man is an island"
Maybe not, but women can be island that have plenty of friends that come to visit often. | |
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| Why the Rush to Coupledom?
Posted: 2/23/2009 9:44:07 AM | | It makes perfect sense, If i actually met someone i liked, found attractive, etc, why not give the person my attention to find out if we fit together instead of constantly looking for something else | |
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