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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/11/2009 5:41:42 AM | Yes, you are teaching him that this is how to behave when he feels angry or frustrated with you and other people. Using that loud, angry voice causes your son emotional
harm. He may be aware that you aren't happy with him, though when you overstep your boundaries and step into his personal space by using angry messeges then you are not behaving in a respectful manner. It would be better for you close your mouth and walk away then sit and think about his innocense. Have compassion on him, ask"how does he feel"?"Why do I feel this way"? Give yourself time to gain objectivity and then make a request pleasantly. If he doesn't respond appropriately within about 2 minutes then repeat the request and state the consequences. And remember to follow up with appropriate consequences. Shouting will change him inside, it tells him you really don't like him and he may grow up not knowing why he doesn't like himself. Tell him plainly what he needs to do and even bribe him if you need to. When he behaves tell him exactly what he did and the quality/ies he has. Hug him. Show him he is wonderful.
At 4 my children seemed not to listen. Their brains are so active, I'd be thinking "Why don't they listen to me" and they'd be up to the next game/toy to play with. It's the nature of childhood. The last thing on their mind is your wants and needs, and rules.
It's not about controlling behaviour, it's about facilitating developmental growth and giving the child feedback about their characters and skills.
It is about teaching children life skills. I have one child who keeps a tidy room, one who has a messy enough room. Why?
One likes to be tidy, the other doesn't care or is being untidy just to be different. I really don't know. Allow him to be 4 and at that age his testosterone will be raging, and he's going to become even more active...
He often can't keep still, he will show you what is "normal" by just being. Observe him, he is playing and learning about his world. Get into "neutral" and allow him to just be. I've a friend who hits her children with a wooden spoon regularly. I see them as just being boys. Though these little behaviours annoy her. They get told how many smacks they will get if they don't behave and do what she wants. She's red with rage, so very angry and not yelling but threatening them. Often they conform though wait until they are in their teens, do you think they will put up with the disrespect they have had to put up with in their earlier years? No. There may be emotional damage, there may not be damage. The beauty of motherhood is that we all get to choose what is best practise ourselves. Hopefully we remember that a child is a person in progress and that child needs love, compassion and a kindly spirited mother who understands
and nurtures the "child within" also.
Yelling is that -loud aggressively shouted commands,words. It has nothing to do with disipline. Discipline is giving the child a choice in their behaviour. E.G." If you come and have your bath now you can have a story".Parenting is not about controlling behaviours you don't like, it's about facilitating and developing in your child the best qualilties he can have and allowing him the freedom to be a child, with all the quirks and annoying behavours that go with a growing individual.
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/11/2009 6:56:18 AM | look if you yell at your children sometimes so what, anyone that has children know that every now and then you yell. but next time try putting him on time out. i am a baby sitter and i tell parents ,after tell them to do something the third time put them on time out , take away toys or something let them know disobedience has consequence. but yelling sometime is good for both of you.javascript:smilie(' ')javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/11/2009 7:40:31 AM |
I wish it was mandatory for every parent and every child educator - or for anyone starting any kind of long term relationship with someone, for that matter. But it's not, and the problem is that the people who would most benefit from these workshop are the least likely to look for them in the first place, hence the need for government funded programs, advertising, etc.
Well thank goodness that it isn't mandatory and that we still live in free countries. What is right for one person is not right for another and in diversity is beauty. The people that you think would most benefit from your classes would not benefit from them at all because it's not for them, otherwise they would have already found you. The people who REALLY would benefit most from these classes have already taken them or something similar or are currently looking for them with the serious intention to take them.
You have to give people the freedom to develop and live their own way.
That said I think you are doing a great job making people aware of this. Trust that it will only be people that are ABLE to benefit from it that respond to it positively. Don't worry about the rest.
I would like to take classes in the areas we've discussed here, but also I'd like to learn more ways to help my child be successful in school.
Futureshock, what do you need parenting classes for at the age of 103??? How old is your kid? I would have thought they are already eligible for the free bus pass for pensioners.... you must be eligible for Guiness book of records entry, having a school age kid at your blessed age. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/11/2009 10:25:10 AM |
The people who REALLY would benefit most from these classes have already taken them or something similar or are currently looking for them with the serious intention to take them.
Actually, most parents who end up taking these workshop were not aware that it even existed, hence they were not even looking for them. Many more parents will take the workshops when they are at their wits end, when they have some MAJOR problem with a child and they think they have tried everything possible including heavy punishment or spanking to no avail. Some don't even believe in positive parenting or positive communication and discover a whole new world when they take the course, to the point of changing their life, their spouse life and their kids life completely.
You say thanks goodness that it isn't mandatory... yet many courses are mandatory. Think of all the history, art, english, mathematics, philosophy and other classes every kid has to take in high school? High school is mandatory for kids, and their courses are mandatory to take. All I am saying is that the society would heavily benefit from having an interpersonal & communication course mandatory during the last year of high school, for instance. Everybody would benefit from learning how to communicate properly, how to speak in non accusatory manner, how to listen, and how to problem-solve in a win-win way.
At least then, most people would be aware that these kind of workshop exists and when they would reach the point where they need it to improve their relationship with their kids, it would really help them to find it.
That said I think you are doing a great job making people aware of this. Trust that it will only be people that are ABLE to benefit from it that respond to it positively. Don't worry about the rest.
I do worry about the rest, torquoise - because I care for every child out there who is being taught to lie in response to parent's punishments, or who is being thought to be a bully, who learn family violence and verbal abuse and perpetrates it through his own parenting on the next generation, and so on. I worry, because I care for our society and for people. And so, I do my best. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/11/2009 11:14:31 PM | no it;s not wrong, but thats not to say I liked it growing up, but it let me know that I could not mess around, that my parents didnt play games and that I needed to grow up and be something and do something
yelling is ok, beating em isnt, I draw the line at that spot
people yell, it;s normal, it happens to everyone at some point. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/11/2009 11:16:00 PM |
yelling is ok, beating em isnt, I draw the line at that spot
people yell, it;s normal, it happens to everyone at some point.
Yelling isn't normal, it's ineffective and damaging. Do you feel respected and effectively communicated with when someone yells at you as an adult? Imagine how it feels to a child, especially a young one that doesn't even realize they have done something wrong. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/12/2009 4:38:06 AM |
Actually, most parents who end up taking these workshop were not aware that it even existed, hence they were not even looking for them
The life has a funny way to look YOU up. Some parents were not looking for these classes, but the classes found THEM. Because they were ready for them on the subconscious level, because it was a piece of information they needed and they attracted it to them. Example - when I met you on these forums, I wasn't looking for parental advice at all. I felt like logging onto POF and going onto forums. Then I looked around the threads, found the one about discipline, felt like responding, and thats how we got into a discussion. I did not take a parenting class as a result, but i bought some books you recommended and I assimilated some of your ideas. To my mind, on the subconscious level I was already looking for this information and this is how I found it. On the conscious level, I was not looking for it at all.
As I said it is worthwhile what you do. Just don't worry about not convincing 100% of population. Not everybody is ready for it at the present moment.
Many more parents will take the workshops when they are at their wits end, when they have some MAJOR problem with a child and they think they have tried everything possible including heavy punishment or spanking to no avail.
Yes, and those are usually the people who look those classes up or they perhaps complain to someone about the situation, that someone suggests the class and because this is resonating with the parent, because they know on the subconscious level that they need it, they are attracted to the challenge and take it. What I am saying to you is that you can relax and know that you are doing enough to spread the knowledge or that maybe more ideas about it will come even later, but do not aim or expect everybody to agree with this and dont't think that you have a solution for everybody or that you always know better or that the class is always right. It is absolutely fine and right and to be expected that not everybody will agree with you and that is the point I am trying to get accross to you. Trying to change everybody when they are obviously closed to it, is a waste of your valuable energy that could be directed where it has a potential to bring about change. THAT is the point we disagree on - you think you have the power to bring everybody from denial or that you should have it. Also you think the methods you like are right for everyone and this is simply not the case and if and when you realise this, you might feel relief.
You say thanks goodness that it isn't mandatory... yet many courses are mandatory. Think of all the history, art, english, mathematics, philosophy and other classes every kid has to take in high school? High school is mandatory for kids, and their courses are mandatory to take. All I am saying is that the society would heavily benefit from having an interpersonal & communication course mandatory during the last year of high school, for instance. Everybody would benefit from learning how to communicate properly, how to speak in non accusatory manner, how to listen, and how to problem-solve in a win-win way.
A course in communication that you describe here, mandatory in high school is really a wonderful idea and I do think it could bring about wonderful changes. That however is not the same as forcing someone to take parenting class before they become parent, and that is what my "thank goodness" is about.
At least then, most people would be aware that these kind of workshop exists and when they would reach the point where they need it to improve their relationship with their kids, it would really help them to find it.
And THAT is the benefit of what you do and well done for it. Just dont force it on everyone and relax about that part.
I do worry about the rest, torquoise - because I care for every child out there who is being taught to lie in response to parent's punishments, or who is being thought to be a bully, who learn family violence and verbal abuse and perpetrates it through his own parenting on the next generation, and so on. I worry, because I care for our society and for people. And so, I do my best.
You do your best and I admire your efforts. I don't know anymore how to get this accross. There are some people who will not open to your ideas. Many in fact. Now for this, there are many different reasons, almost as many as there are such parents. Some of these parents are wonderful parents, some are piss poor, some are somewhere in the middle. Maybe later on they might change their mind. Maybe not. Where you and I don't agree is that i say they already have to be receptive to your ideas before they can get to them. And you think you can or even should be able to change everybody's mind. It's waste of your valuable energy and time in my opinion, and this would be better directed to people who are open to your ideas on one level or another. Whether that is a case is not that difficult to recognise. Try couple of times and if those ideas are not accepted, move on. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/12/2009 6:48:28 PM | It is normal, you mean to tell me you have never yelled at anyone?
oh btw my 2nd boss does yell at me, and I deal with it
I bet you hate steve wilkos right?
I like that dude. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/12/2009 6:55:05 PM |
It is normal, you mean to tell me you have never yelled at anyone?
oh btw my 2nd boss does yell at me, and I deal with it
I bet you hate steve wilkos right?
I like that dude.
It is not normal. I have yelled at my significant others, parents and siblings because I was condition to scream and yell when I am frustrated, angry or upset.
I have since learned to control anger and to discuss whatever is frustrating or upsetting me in a healthy way.
I've never had a boss yell at me. I find that to be very strange.
I don't know who Steve Wilkos is, even after Googling him and seeing his photo.
http://healthandenergy.com/screaming_at_children.htm
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/287734/disciplining_without_yelling_important.html?cat=25
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/12/2009 10:48:55 PM | yelling works, in order to make a point and force it home
yelling works, how do I prove this? my sister had bullies, I tried at first reason told them to just leave her alone, they did not stop, one even choked her
so I started yelling, once my words left, they let go, told me to chill out
people also I saw trying to steal, I yelled at them, they ran and could not steal anything
yelling gets people to listen, why else do you think the army, navy, and other groups use it?
you breakdown the person, and build them back up, it makes them stronger. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:09:30 PM |
yelling works, how do I prove this? my sister had bullies, I tried at first reason told them to just leave her alone, they did not stop, one even choked her
so I started yelling, once my words left, they let go, told me to chill out
people also I saw trying to steal, I yelled at them, they ran and could not steal anything
This is completely unrelated to disciplining a child.
yelling gets people to listen, why else do you think the army, navy, and other groups use it?
Torture and physical abuse gets people to listen, too. Does that make it acceptable?
I don't know many small children enlisting in the services, though.
you breakdown the person, and build them back up, it makes them stronger.
I cannot stand it when comments like this are made. You cannot say that it makes them stronger, because you cannot undo what you did and try again only building them up, without tearing them apart emotionally and mentally. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:10:33 PM |
perhaps not, but what if you have a kid who does not stop slapping your face? do you yell or hit the child?
You need to examine why this child is slapping you in the face to begin with. It also depends heavily on their age. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/12/2009 11:21:22 PM |
perhaps not, but what if you have a kid who does not stop slapping your face? do you yell or hit the child? Neither.
Take a course or crack a book or something - you need some tools in your toolbox other than yelling and hitting. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:08:56 AM |
then you need to go the navy bootcamp, and tell them not to yell
I will reiterate; this is not the same as raising a child.
If you are an adult, and you choose to go there and get yelled at, that's your own problem.
A child doesn't choose his/her parents. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/14/2009 8:43:53 AM | The boot camp objective is also to break you and brainwash you into becomming an obediant robot who can pull the trigger on another human being when ordered to.
Hopefuly, this is not the objective persued by parents for their children. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/14/2009 10:43:47 AM | | Yes, I believe that yelling at your children is wrong. I was yelled at by my mother until I was an adult. I try to be stern and not yell at my son. There are other ways, especially if your child is 4. Try putting him in time out or just talking to him. Take away his toys or don't let him watch tv. Make him write sentences about not being disobedient and obeying rules. Just be consistent, but don't consistently yell at him. That will lead him to yelling back and not listening even more. Plus you want to teach him good ethics. Also, yelling is out of anger, which will lead to other things that are actually abusive. Yelling is probably even what they call mental abuse. I know being a single mom is hard, but you can do it. | |
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