| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/16/2009 2:15:17 AM | I raise my voice if my daughter isnt listening when im talking to her. But ive found it easier to go to her. Go to her height level and talk to her.
If shes naughty then she goes to the naughty corner. Which recently hasnt been used
Maybe you should talk to the father make him understand what is happening at home set him a few targets see if its any help
Maybe theyr just excited to be back home tell mum, dad lets us do this n that she if it works etc etc kids arnt daft theyl try anything | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/16/2009 11:08:26 AM | First off, parenting is the hardest job you will ever have. But treat it like one. Look at this logically, yelling at your kid does not get them to behave, usually they just tune you right out, and maybe, just maybe you'll annoy them enough to get them to quit whatever they are doing wrong. Yelling just irritates everyone around you too, no one wants to hear you screaming at your kid. And it just makes you look like an innefficient parent.
I raised a daughter who is now 17 under similar circumstances as you describe. I found that speaking in a serious tone and telling her that the behavior would stop immediately or the tv was gone for the rest of the day, or the video games were gone for a week or basically taking something she really enjoyed away, and STICKING TO IT worked so much better than yelling or a smack on the butt.
As she got older, I found that to avoid her misbehaving in public, all I had to do was threaten to embarrass her. This was the best ever, because she absolutely hated to be embarrassed. She got lippy with me once when she was about 10 and I told her that was ok, she was gonna get it. I took her to school in my worst pair of jammies, pink curlers in my hair, old lady house shoes on, and a tattered robe, and walked her right into her class and sat her in her seat, then proceeded to strike up a conversation with her teacher. My daughter was mortified, but she never talked back like that again.
The main thing is be consistent, make the rules stick, and control yourself. When you lose control and yell, kids know it and will take advantage of it. I guarantee if when he comes back from his father's and starts breaking rules, if you don't yell but instead quietly go to his room and start packing up toys, he'll learn real quick that Mom means business.
Good luck to you, and God Bless!
Beth | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/16/2009 2:52:09 PM | I think yelling at your child only shows them you are not in control of yourself, specially at a young age such as 4. Whatever you are saying by yelling you can still say in a firm,controled tone of voice, its still the same message but it shows you have got control of the situation.
Saying that we are all only human,but i personally think there are other ways... | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/16/2009 7:01:57 PM | | I think that since your a mother at such a young age you get frustrated a lot and you think that yelling does work, i know I'm a mother of 2 at 21, but i doesn't work. you have to find a mutual spot for a time out spot, it could be a chair or a corner, one that is a way from toy and Wat nots. Set him down and let him think about what he did wrong. just try to find different ways to talk to him. if all else fells, talk to the father and let him know that his has got to have some kind of ground rules that he has to follow by. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/16/2009 7:33:28 PM | | No its not wrong if it isnt extreme. I believe a child has to hear the difference in your voice to know that he or she is not behaving correctly. I also think that if your constantly yelling your child wont even notice the difference. I am a single mom as well and my son also misbehaves and acts as if he does'nt know the rules upon returning from his fathers! | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/16/2009 8:28:43 PM | First, let's just say that while we all lose it and yell occasionally, it sounds like this has become your standard operational procedure AND if someone broke up with you over it, then I would suspect that you yell wayyyyyyy too much!
So - let me offer a couple of suggestions that worked well when my son was the age of your son.
Sometimes children at this age (4 years old) need some help transitioning between one parent and the other. It would be terrific if each parent held the children to the same rules, but when that doesn't happen it isn't your sons fault. The best thing you can do is help him make the transition.
When my son came home from his dad's house, I always had a snack and a glass of milk waiting for him. Once dad left, we sat down and took 10 minutes to "decompress" because the reality is that kids don't really do well in situations where they have no controls. It helped him have some time to readjust. I would ask him to tell me what was the funniest thing that happened to him at dads. (Note not what dad was doing, but what was funniest.) Never ask about girlfriends, meals, (unless they were funny), or any other touchy subject. Kids shouldn't be your spy!
While he is finishing his snack, I would share with him something funny that I saw, heard, or did while he was gone! (Note: Not sad things that I missed him! He shouldn't feel guilty because he was having fun at dads.)
Finally, once his snack is finished, this is a good time to find a small chore that he can do to help you. This sends him the message that he is back in the world where there are rules!
All of this is done very calmly, without yelling! It will settle him down, and give you both some reconnection time and will help him transition back into your rules.
Worked much better for my son than yelling! | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/16/2009 9:59:32 PM | | Do you like being yelled at? Would someone yelling at you make you feel stupid? How do you react when someone yells at you? In other words you have no parenting skills other than yelling, screaming, to a 4 year old child! Wow! and you expect the child to behave in a normal way? Gee time for a reality check! If the guy broke up with you is because you showed him you had no communicating skill, you do not know how to fix problems that does not involve losing control. I would have smacked you in the head if I had heard you screaming at the child. Sorry op just giving you some food for thought. I am not condemming you. Simply pointing out what you brought to the table. I am not perfect either. By the way there are plenty of books that can help you with the issues you have at hand. And yes I have been a single parent for the last 14 years, raised 4 kids all of whom are healthy young adults now. Best of luck! | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/17/2009 3:32:57 AM | Whatever method you use, remember that you are always teaching to the child-if yelling is your way all the time, then you are teaching the child that yelling is normal. I dont see yelling as normal and in fact will run the other way from someone who yells all the time. How annoying is that?
What do you do when he yells back? He must or he will, you are teaching him to yell.
I cant say I have never yelled...but it is a last resort, as it should be. We dont see adults going around yelling, and the few that do are not considered normal or socially developed...you want that for your child? Time better spent would be talking to him and seting up clear rules and consequences, explained to his age/level of thinking, then simply follow thru everytime. He will get it eventually. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/17/2009 10:27:54 AM | I think many of us have resorted to the elevated volume in order to avoid spanking but it will be beneficial for you to find a way to try to transition him back home better.
When he comes home, do you spend time with him? I have had to scrape my kids off the ceiling more times than I can count after spending only a brief time with their father. If you could maybe watch a movie, or even schedule a sort of snack session and have him tell you about his weekend or talk about whatever.
Sometimes kids get into a gear somewhere and it is hard to bring them down. My youngest seems to be going through a patch. He will spend more than half the weekend playing with friends usually spending the night Friday or Saturday and comes home and the minute he hits he door, he is just a brat. While it may seem counter-intuitive, some one-on-one time with mom could help him switch gears and remember that he is back at home. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/17/2009 11:29:07 AM | When my boy was 3 and my daughter 8, I began raising them on my own. That was 3 years ago. I can't say I never raise my voice with them  but I don't believe it is an effective long term strategy.
I had a similar problem to yours. When they would spend the occasional overnight at grandma's house they would come back to me "spoiled" and it would take me a while to get them back to my house rules. I can say that they've gotten much better over time and the "switch over" is not a problem any longer. They simply know that there are different rules depending on where they are.
My son and my daughter respond to different approaches so I know that every kid is different. You have to find what works for your kid. But out and about I've seen parents who use yelling as their primary method of communication and the older kids have no respect for them. It just will not work as the kid gets older. You have to find a more effective method now while he is still young. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/17/2009 6:36:20 PM | | Instead of yelling, try tone of voice. Also, impress on them that they need to listen the first time. Takes time, but kids want structure. Also, corporal punishment is in no way evil. Mine is 13, and never had to use it, partially because it was always on the table. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/17/2009 7:31:55 PM | Kids need to know that you mean business....having rules and being firm with them is important and lets them know that they are loved and cared for. Yelling is something that all parents do at times....and usually it is when our patience is worn thin and we are on emotional overload.
The problem with yelling is that kids, after a time, just tune it out! When I would go on a tear and just start yelling, my oldest son had this way of just totally glazing over! It made me feel better to vent my frustrations with the situation, but did nothing to help him to learn!
Do we all lose it from time to time and yell? Ummmm....I've not met any parent who doesn't. Are there better ways to communicate with your kids? Of course. So that's the goal....and you know what....those times when you don't reach the goal, there's nothing wrong with letting your kid know that you messed up and reaching out to him to truly communicate.
Good luck! | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/17/2009 9:10:35 PM | I don't raise my voice at my grandchildren--I learned with their fathers (my sons) that it wasn't a great strategy. Instead, I ask, "Why am I talking to you right now?"
The now-nine-year old boy (the oldest) can tell me exactly why I got his attention. When I ask, "How do I feel about what you're doing?" He can tell me that I don't like it--and he can tell me why.
The two of us have had several years to figure out what works best with him, and me raising my voice never worked.
The best approach is this: Say what you mean, Mean what you say, and Do what you said you would Do.
Don't make a threat that you are unable or unwilling to back up--in fact, don't make threats at all.
At four, your child might be confused by the changing rules from home to home, but if YOU are consistent, then your rules will be clear, and the consequences will be swift.
No yelling. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/23/2009 8:28:35 PM | | all you are doing is teaching them how to yell disipline is different for all parents yo have to find what they love the most and take it away and not spending any money on then works its called tuff love i tell my kids that they will do nothing at all but learn to be board and that i will donothing for them if they dont listen and the extra money e have i will take them shopping and spend it on me works abot 75%of the time the 25% i just give them all my love | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/23/2009 11:29:29 PM | | i try not to but kids do daft things if they are doing something that could hurt them and i want them to stop dam right i will shout and then explain why i shouted ,but most of the time i ask once nice ie can you please stop doing that ,then i tell them to stop and then they go to bed . then i go and ask if they know why they have been sent to bed and most of the time they do. i have 2 fantastic well behaved children most of the time but kids are kids and will always push boundries. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/24/2009 3:16:01 AM | OP, it's not his fault that his dad messes up his routine and for this you're yelling at him when he has no control over what dad does. i think you and dad need to discuss this and come to some mutual agreement and start seeing eye to eye in the best interest of the child. when you're yelling at him like this i believe you're confusing the heck out of him. in his 4 yr. old mind, what is he to think...... and even though your opposed to smacking, what the heck would you be smacking him for other than getting your own frustrations out on him.
why the heck do you think the guy you were dating broke up with you. man.........that's hard to watch let alone hear. poor guy.......worse yet, poor kid.
your parents married or not while you were growing up, is this the way they treated you?
i think you both seriously need parenting classes right away......really.
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/24/2009 5:45:43 AM | Well I'm doomed then. I have to yell at my son as he has a flash temper to get him to calm down, and my daughter has hearing problems so It can sometimes sound like I am yelling when I am just trying to get her attention.
I think the reward chart, with stickers that worked for me and the Parent child game where I learn't to give him the attention he needed while still having a conversation with someone else. There are ways to get through to them without yelling the tone of voice and a countdown worked for me as well and it was stated he would go to the step or lose the toy if I reached 0 from 5. Now we never reach 2 as he quickly behaves, as the toy has been taken away in the past.
The other thing is to handle it as soon as it first happens from dads, ok your sons name, I know you have had a wonderful time with daddy but your with Mummy now and Mummy has these rules in her house, its hard as he is probably rebelling against you as you set the rules where dad is pure fun, but honestly thats how it is he sees him for 2 days in 14 of course they are going to make the most of it.
And if you can feel it building within you try counting to 10 and if that does not work leave the room. One day he will turn around and tell you your scaring him and that will break your heart, it happened to me and I took notice and fixed it.
In Emergencys life or death yes, but not just cause he is running around the room throwing things. At 4 he is only a child and does not understand most of what you say. I hope this helps as its not an attack only someone that has been there and come through it. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/24/2009 7:37:01 AM | I left my ex-gf because all she did was yell. Yell at my kids, her kid, at me... I'm an extremely laid back guy who believes that being rational about anger and not letting it get the best of you.
I will raise my voice when they aren't listening. I'll put them in time out if they continue to misbehave. Yelling, however, solves nothing IMO. It can escalate into a shouting match and then nothing is accomplished.
Not to mention, the action they observe now will one day affect their behaviors in later life. Such as, they may think that yelling at people to express displeasure is an acceptable means of communication. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/24/2009 9:21:25 AM | quietandhonest, define "flash temper", never heard of it before.
a child with medical hearing issues----instead of yelling to get her attention, go towards her for whatever you want to relay. yelling is just noise pollution and very irritating. what's wrong with peace and quiet or doing thing quietly and calmly. save the yelling for emergency situations (like when it's appropriate).
reward charts and stickers-----sounds like you're training an animal. enough of this new fangled new age bull crap. why don't we just truly learn how to communicate and raise our children instead of bribing or rewarding them with junk.
tone of voice is a great example and something the child understands as he/she grows. just think, one adult to another understands tone of voice but i don't see adults giving stickers and junk for results. lol
counting to 10, yeah, sure....ok....if that's the best one can do.
i had 3 children and now their all adults and i never had to stoop to this stuff.
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 2/24/2009 10:22:09 AM | For cripes sake.....raising your voice at your child is not wrong.
My daughter is 20, you better believe I yelled at her a few times in her life.
A good example : YOUNG LADY .......what did I say about crossing the road alone?
The entire thing I didnt need to holler. Sometimes a quick two words or hollering their name to get their attention worked just fine.
obvioulsy if you are screaming at your child everytime you speak to them.....yes thats a problem
Im reading some of the above answers seeing alot of * oh not me * * oh never that is just terrible * * that is cruel I wouldnt dream of it *
please. | |
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