| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/4/2009 11:20:48 PM | Too often people post wanting validation, not differing opinions because they don't really want to change anything, they just want their actions validated. I never got the impression that is what this particular single mom was seeking but I do agree that a few of the posts were harsher than they needed to be, especially since most of us can totally relate to the frustration she feels during transition and I have little doubt that many of us have less than stellar relationships with the other parent and have to deal with "Disney Dad" syndrome~ itsallinthesoul ~
^^^I agree with you intinall...I thought most of the posts were quite supportive and helpful...and so my sarcastic retort is meant for those few posters who had harsh comments. If yelling at your child occassionally is equal to child abuse and unacceptable behaviour, why is it some think it is okay to brow beat a young mother with nasty comments when she was brave enough to ask for advice??..
I hope she has taken a few of the suggestions here and that is the reason for her not posting...somehow though, I doubt that is the case. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/5/2009 9:00:44 PM | | I beleive it is. It simple shows that you are "the mean one". With my son when he isn't listening(most of the time lol) I simple use a firm voice but calm voice. over time he has learned that this is my "no compromise stop doing whatever it is that you shouldn't be doing" voice. Now since his mother has disapeared off the face of the earth I don't know how the different rules at the other parents house works but maybe his father needs to learn that although his son might like the free spirited no rules thing right now, he will grow to resent his father when he is older. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/6/2009 5:52:49 AM | | lizbeth2 thank you so much. Yours is the first post that i read that didn't make me feel like i was the only one who reacts like this. You are right. I don.t yell at my son all the time. I do sit down and talk to him and i'm learning to do this more and more. To all the other parents that replyed, thank you but i don.t think you fully understand where i'm coming from. I don.t yell all the time. And yes i know there are better ways to deal with some things but not all children are the same and not all situations are the same. My son's father is not the smartest man around and i find it difficult to make him understand anything. We are making progress slowly but it takes time. Also i think some of you think this is a new situation. Its not. We have be separated since my son was 9 months old. Its just recently that the behaviour has become a big issue. Thanks again for all the replys | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/6/2009 11:28:59 AM | I admit that i have got caught up in the heat of the moment and yelled at my children; actually i have ranted and raved up a storm more than once, feisty strong willed little angels that they are (gee wonder where they get it from? LOL), and i had to step back and assess my approach to discipline, as i knew there had to be a better way.
I enrolled in parenting class to try to educate myself on how to discipline without yelling and/or spanking, i found that time outs worked for our household (one minute for each year of the childs age). Some kids really do have a hard time listening and obeying and its only human to lose your temper after they tune you out ot disobey so often, so dont feel bad, just try to save yelling for a serious situation (such as abou to run in the street or touch a hot stove). | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/6/2009 12:57:54 PM | Hi
I am a single mum of a 9 yr old girl. She sees her dad every other weekend and up until about 2 yrs ago there was no discipline at his house - it seemed like he thought it wasnt really worth it because by the time she was there, it was nearly time to come home.
My ex has now got a partner and they have 2 children under 2 and she has an 11 yr old from a previous relationship who has mild ADHD so it came as a big shock for him to suddenly have his life turned upside down.
I have smacked my daughters bum when she was little (not enough to leave a mark) and it might sound contradictary but I dont agree with it. I have also shouted in the past and I know when u do it, it makes u feel like the worst person in the world but as my daughter has got older I have realised that I dont need to do that, I'm not trying to judge in anyway or tell you what to do, I'm trying to let u know that u r not the only mother out there that does this, I have tried the "supernanny" approaches (naughty step, time out etc) and it just gets us both upset.
Now, I reason with her, I try to explain to her why I dont like what shes done etc and because we are close and have such a strong bond maybe it works better for us then alot of other single parents, I also find it important to tell her when I am proud of her, we tell each other that we love each other several times a day (not just from routine, but because we mean it), I have seen parents with their children and they are quick to point out the bad but rarely comment on the good.
I dont know whether this has helped u at all, I just wanted u to know that u r not alone and u should give urself some recognition for being the role model for ur son, stuff what ur boyfriends may think about how u discipline him, at the end of the day they might be gone tomorrow but ur son will still be there, needing u.
Take care Becca.x | |
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Javex
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Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 81 | |
| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/6/2009 9:39:29 PM | It is okay to yell at your kids. I wasn't there, but in my humble opinion, the fellow who left probably realized that co-parenting and it's complications was a little beyond his scope. In both cases, we are only human. The banana at the end of this is totally irrelevant but I get such a kick out of it...! | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/6/2009 10:08:33 PM | Hi.. if a guy broke up with you cause you yelled at your son, there must of been more too it and that was just an excuse too break up.
At 4yrs of age your son is still learning and trying too comprehend the fact that mum n dad are not living togather,which must be hard for him. He will try out boundaries and see what he can get away with, as all children do, but consistency when he gets home and instead of yelling at him, ignore he's behaviour and pretend not too notice or let it bother you, or defuse the situation by playing with him, talking, giving him cuddles tickles etc.. he will soon stop and realise that when he gets home from visiting dad, he then gets too have lots of fun with mum.
The more you continue too shout when he gets home from visiting dad the more he will carry this on and in the end not even shouting will have any effect. Keep him entertained n happy and remember he is only 4, and you want him too look forward too coming home to mummy and knowing he isnt going too be yeld at..
we as adults wouldnt like too be yelled at all the time, imagine how a 4yr old must feel. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/6/2009 11:10:11 PM | Hi
I am a single mom but don't advertize on my profile, (I hope that didn't sound like a value judgement, just a choice).
I think yelling is O.K... If you yell you probably grew up with it and if you surprise it you will probably blow up. Anger is a real feeling that is fine to express. That said, I think we should keep it respectful, "your behaviour is__" not "you are a__" and "I feel angry" is a good first thing to yell because it is cathartic and often that is enough of a lead in to telling them what expect from them now. A few of my personal rules, (that I don't always follow);
~ Don't say mean stuff in any tone of voice
~ Don't yell often, its effect will wear off & it may point to anger problems or the child may be having trouble following orders.
~ Yelling is a sign that we are loosing out cool and the kids are winning, they are effectively pissing us off. That is O.K. we don't have to "win", or keep it together all the time, but if we are always yelling they are yanking us around.
A lot of times when I meet parents who don't yell, they also do not discipline at all and can't say the word "no", that is causing behaviour problems. Some people are just really calm and don't get angry no matter what. I am more of a fiery person. If we all parented the same we would have a bland world of creepy calm people. I am just joking I am tired. I would like to have a really calm friend; it's too late for my relatives. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/7/2009 1:53:30 AM | butterflymum,
I was happy to come across your post tonite. I understand about the aftermath you have had to deal with after your son comes home from a weekend away with his Dad.
Regardless of how your ex treats your son when he is with him, you need to enforce the routine and expectations that exist in your house with your son so he is not confused on how to behave when he comes home.
It is such a tough lesson that you need to teach as a parent...but you need to teach your son that there are limitations to his behaviour.
I am glad you posted again..I hope you can seperate the advice and good suggestions of many posters, from those who only offer judgement and ridicule to your questions.
My best advice would be too get some councelling for you and your son.....at least while you and your ex are still trying to learn how to communicate.
Your gonna yell sometimes..your a MOM!...but as a mom you need to learn the right reasons and appropriate times when you can HOLLER!!
*fyi....most of us mom's are still tryin to figure that one out!
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 3/7/2009 6:01:47 AM | Butterflymum, I am also glad that you reposted. If there is a parent that posts on this boards that says I never...... well, I tend not to believe much of what they say after that statement. All parents get frustrated and angry with the behaviour of their children or they are in complete denial of their children. Many if not most of us raise our voice and holler at our children at least once if not more often. Many of us have had to realize that we needed some other ways to parent because of how we feel when we holler at our children.
Transition is hard. I also have an ex that is um....challenging....to deal with and have dealt with and continue to deal with her behavioural issues when she comes back into my custody. I have had to give myself numerous timeouts so I don't react towards her. I get angry and frustrated but my anger is NOT her, it is HIM that I am really angry with because he doesn't see how difficult the transitions can be for HER. Once my anger subsides, I can then act with her in a way that makes a difference for us.
Life for my daugher would be so much easier if Mom and Dad could communicate effectively (which we can't) and could both act in her best interests (not in self-preservation mode which we are both guilty of at times). Reality is what it is and as a Mom I have to find effective ways of helping our daughter re-adjust. She is happy as hell to be back with me but she is rude, controlling and very difficult for a few days. Being patient and firm with her in a non angry way does work wonders for her. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/5/2009 10:37:38 PM | | If people would take time to show your child some love a lot of problems go away...I have a 31/2 year old grandson...He's as bad as ever, but I have noticed the more time I spend with him playing the better he is...I worked with teens in lock up and I was really shock to the answer to this question...Why are you doing what you are doing...No one cares or talks or interact with me...I really truly wished they had spank me or any type punishment...To many people honestly have children and never interact...I agree you have to find what works...Please show then affection any change you get and things will work out...Gene... | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/5/2009 10:51:50 PM | I'm not a parent, but I don't see how yelling at a child will discipline them. Frustration is normal, but you shouldn't show your aggravation to your child.
You might want to read this:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/88235/yelling_at_kids_the_damage_you_dont.html?cat=25 | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/6/2009 12:09:23 AM | Parenting and discipline is not always easy and about being the "good guy" all the time...First of all forgive yourself for not being perfect and yelling at your kid, but try to discontinue this b/c it is definitely not the best method to get his attention...the child will learn to view yelling as normal communication if this happens often ...The thing with discipline is to up front make your rules as clear as possible before dishing out the discipline when the rule is broken....
It is so important to always try to communicate well with your children...they will go out into the world someday and the communication they are taught at home is what they will know and how they will communicate with others...
As far as the fellow that broke up with you...it is quite possible since he does not have children ....that he may not have a clue what it is like to be a single parent and the frustrations involved especially if the other parent is not being a discipliner...however he is certainly serious about not liking the yelling....perhaps it is a wake up call to try to resist yelling at your child....
Forgive yourself for not being perfect...but decide today to try to cut out the yelling... | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/6/2009 12:11:35 AM | | My dad was a big yeller, my ex husband was too. I cannot even express how much I hated it. While they were yelling I was usually thinking how much I hated them. Well, the feeling passed. I don't really hate my dad, but I remember feeling like I did. I don't yell at my kids. I don't want them feeling that way about me. I know it can be frustrating being around little kids all day with no break. Getting them outside and letting them blow off steam in a safe place as often as possible will do you all some good. I saw an interview about parenting one time on tv and the expert was talking about this very thing. She suggested that you turn on a tape recorder and then go about your business, speaking as you normally do. When you hear yourself on the tape, you might be surprized at the way you sound. Do you unthinkingly use put downs, are you sarcastic, are you loud and angry? I think the fact that you posted this question shows that you care about doing the right thing. Good luck to you. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/6/2009 6:56:18 PM | cant believe some of these answers maybe somw dont have kids im raising 2 kids by myself a boy 10 and a girl 6 .sometimes you have to yell they need to know whos boss
thats whats bwrong today these kids are spoiled brats giving them what they want look when my kids are bad or are doing bad in school i yell at them take away what they like the most for a while and that works 90 percent of the time and believe me most of these spoiled brats need a good butt woopin.the way they talk to their parents is rediculous | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/6/2009 7:56:25 PM | 36 gary:
the way they talk to their parents is rediculous
The way they talk to their parents is a mirror of the way they were raised. They learn to talk that way somewhere, you know?
sometimes you have to yell they need to know whos boss
So let me get that straight. You yell because you feel you aren't the boss anymore, is that is? Doesn't that already mean you have lost? Thank about it. If you really would be perceived as the boss, you wouldn't need to yell. Not that being perceived as the boss is any good within a parent-child relationship, as it is damaging for a child's psychological development.
look when my kids are bad or are doing bad in school i yell at them take away what they like the most for a while and that works 90 percent of the time and believe me most of these spoiled brats need a good butt woopin
What seems obvious to me is not that the kids are spoiled, but that the parent has no clue how to parent properly. Get a course. Educate yourself. Learn about parenting. Then you will no longer need the use of power and no longer be in power-struggles with them. Power does not teach anything, with the exception of "i am the boss". And one day, you won't be the boss anymore. Do you know the vast majority of children raised your way end up being violent with their parents when their parents are elderly and they are adult? | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/7/2009 1:40:41 AM | I am rather surprised that you find that yelling works. Like many said before I think it depends on what you define as "works". In my experience it makes me feel crap, like I lost control and I feel like I bullied the kid into doing what I want rather than teaching them about respect etc. I almost never yell these days.
I know your kids is much younger than mine, but i always try to get the kid to put themselves into the other person's shoes (the person their behavour is affecting). It works well with my (pre-)teen girls. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/7/2009 3:17:43 AM | Ack, raising children....it has the capacity to bring us some of the tenderest loving moments we'll ever experience in life ~ and the capacity to bring us to our wits end in frustration. Thank heaven they make them so cute! I think the RockMan once again gets right to the heart of the issue...
If your son was a spouse and police where present it would be considered domestic abuse. Yet some how when it's done to a child we can call it parenting!
It's never easy to take on full responsibility for another human being, especially one whose actions you don't have absolute control over. The thing we need to remember is, we ARE dealing with another human being...an individual with their own thoughts and feelings and opinions. While it's not always appropriate to just allow them to blindly do as they please, we do need to be guiding them with the courtesy and respect we would offer to anyone else. Yes, I said it ~respect~ our children. They need to know that their voice is being heard, regardless of whether we're complying with their wishes at that very moment. They need to know that whether we approve of their actions at any given moment, we approve of them, as human beings, and that their feelings matter.
Just tonight, I was shopping for groceries and I saw a woman with a couple of unruly children running in all directions. Clearly, she was out of patience. She was speaking harshly, yanking one by the arm while simultaneously slapping the other on the back of the head. When another shopper attempted to pass her in the skinny aisle, her entire demeanor changed. She apologized demurely for blocking the aisle, and rushed to get her cart out of the way. I certainly understood her frustration level, but it struck me that we treat total strangers with more courtesy and consideration than we offer our own children, at times. Indeed, if she had grabbed the other shopper by the arm, or slapped the back of his head, she would have been charged with assault, yet somehow, it's an acceptable method of parenting... Can anyone say FUBAR?
It's not always easy, but there are many times a child is acting out, not because it's a matter of life or death if they get their own way, but because they desperately need to be heard, rather than dismissed. Just knowing that you care enough to take the time to understand them (regardess of whether you agree) is sometimes enough to illicit cooperation. Just like any other relationships, respect is a two way street. I'm not implying that our children should be our equals, but they need to know that their feelings will be understood and validated by the people they depend on the most. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:15:00 AM |
Do you know the vast majority of children raised your way end up being violent with their parents when their parents are elderly and they are adult?
Would love to see the study that supports this premise. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:29:12 AM | | Probably it came from his favorite book by Dr Thomas Gordon as he has no personal parenting experience and he believes parenting can be learned from a book by someone who wrote it in 1962 - in other words, one parenting model fits all, he is right, everyone else is wrong and if you parent differently you are a poor parent. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:50:56 AM |
he has no personal parenting experience and he believes parenting can be learned from a book by someone who wrote it in 1962 - in other words, one parenting model fits all,
I am not sure if that is completly accurate. As he posted :
As several of the people who opposed me on this thread earlier pointed out, I do not have a child of my own yet. It is my deepest and most sacred desire and dream that one day, I shall find the proper mom to have several kids with. So far, I haven't found the right person.
However, I do have some first hand experience. I have had several relationships before in which my significant other had a child, and spend some time developing the proper parenting skills. I also shared my apartment for a year with a woman who had a 9 years old, and who was not taking care of her at all. I ended up raising her all this time nearly alone, while her mother was mostly out clubbing, dating, stealing and eventually ending several days in prison while I took care of her child. I have done more for that child in a year than she had done in the 8 previous years. | |
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