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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 5/27/2009 8:39:23 PM |
If you have a child that repeatedly goes for something, after being told over and over not to do that because of the danger, then sometimes taking a firm hold on the child and raising your voice is the only thing that will call the seriousness of the situation to the child's attention. I'd rather have a startled child, with possible hurt feelings, than a dead child.
Although I can perfectly follow your logic with this argument, unfortunately, the child's brain doesn't work that way. At the best outcome, you might be successful at keeping the child from going to that thing when you are around. But when you aren't, all bets are off. Why is that? Because the reason the child goes over and over to the same thing is not because he doesn't pay attention, nor because he isn't taking you seriously enough. The reason the child can repeatedly do this dangerous thing again and again is because during certain phases of brain development, the human brain is not yet able to temper impulses. It is biologically impossible for a child to suddenly stop his impulses until he has developed that capacity in his brain. And that takes a lot of repetitions, learning, and ultimately, some maturation time that simply cannot be accelerated. Once a parent can understand this, it becomes more clear why tactics such as yelling isn't working, and why sometimes, no amount of teaching can work until the child is old enough to even be able to learn. This is why we need baby-proof environments and child-safe environments.
That's in the best case. In the most usual case, however, the scary voice sound, the yelling and so on will cause fright, resentment, fear and anxiety, and will puzzle the young child who simply cannot understand why the interesting shiny thing makes mom suddenly all weird and scary. One of the consequence of fear and anxiety is that it blocks the maturation process of the brain, which on a long term basis, might hinder the child's development and his very capacity at learning why some things are dangerous or how to temper one's impulses. In other words, yelling might actually be totally counterproductive in most cases, hindering the benefit that comes from explaining and teaching the child.
Want to get your child's full attention so that you can teach, but without hindering his development or causing anxiety? Here is how.
- Kneel down until you are at the child's height.
- Make physical contact: touch a shoulder, hold his arms or hands (which is also great to prevent him from touching the harmful object) or hold him in your arms
- Connect with his eyes. Nod a little. Smile.
- Make a gentle quick comment to acknowledge his playful desires and connect, make him feel he is understood and appreciated: "Aww, babe... I see you really would like to play with this shiny knife... it looks all interesting I am sure... "
- Now you have the full attention. You have called upon a child's natural "being taken care by a care provider" natural instinct - the attachment instinct that is wired in our brain - and you will have all of the undivided child attention, without any yelling. Time to tell your lesson, in order to help the brain learn temperance and help it grow and mature. Use the child's name. Repeating one's name often in a soft and gentle loving manner is also a very powerful way to draw attention and call upon the child's natural attachment instincts:
"...Knives are tools we use to cut things, Tommy. We use it to cut the bread, or the meat, it's very useful but it's also sharp and pointy and we don't want to get cut with it, so let's lock it away in the drawer okay sweetheart? Want to show me where I can put it away safely?" (as you remove it away to make the environment a child-safe environment yet again).
Hope this helps. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 5/30/2009 12:41:13 AM | As a parent of three children with the oldest being 16 and the youngest being 3 (which btw..both ages are respectively the new terrible 2's) I have to call some BS on the parents who put forth a parenting model that NEVER includes discipline and yelling.
Don't get me wrong, I usually have to repeat myself three or four times before I "raise my voice" to get my kids attention. Oddly enough I have found my children have selective hearing...if the phrase "ice cream" is mentioned...I get a response instantly! (crazy isn't it?)...however the phrases "clean up your toys" or "put away your laundry" along with "empty the dishwasher" don't seem to generate alot of immediate responses from them?...geez I wonder why that is?
I will tell you what works in my house...reminding my kids which cloud they have landed on...and the contribution they make into our home will largely depend on the privelledges they enjoy as a member....Membership has it's privledges!
Do I yell?...yes often....and I also disconnect the cable and wireless at a whim!...I am just an evil mother! I knew I should have taught them sign language as infants!!.....again..a bad mother... | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 5/31/2009 4:40:47 PM |
I have to call some BS on the parents who put forth a parenting model that NEVER includes discipline and yelling.
Why would it ever have to include yelling if it is never needed in the first place, or if other tools can be used that get the job done without it?
As for discipline, I entirely agree with you. A parenting model without discipline would both yield terrible results and also be damaging to a child's development. However, what I have been discussing on various thread is about not using punishment, which is completely different from not including discipline.
Oddly enough I have found my children have selective hearing...if the phrase "ice cream" is mentioned...I get a response instantly! (crazy isn't it?)...however the phrases "clean up your toys" or "put away your laundry" along with "empty the dishwasher" don't seem to generate alot of immediate responses from them?...geez I wonder why that is?
Lisbeth, I understand what you mean - it is difficult to be heard when you are saying something that the other person doesn't want to hear. It's a normal human reaction : your kids don't want to hear when you ask them to help with chores, for instance. I have the same problem here on this thread with some posters : hearing that yelling might be damaging for kids is not something that some parents are ready to hear. I get that.
Don't get me wrong, I usually have to repeat myself three or four times before I "raise my voice" to get my kids attention.
It's a circle. The more you yell, the more the kids learn to tune it out. This leads them to listen to you even less next time there are chores to do. You need to change your strategy - break the cycle. I offered, if you read on the other post above, an alternate and efficient way to get your kid's full attention. But i have been told to be too vague with my explanations. Sometimes, I concentrate too much on what not to do rather than what to do. So, let me ask you: could you provide us with a clear and define example of a situation where your kids would require you to yell before they listen to you? Then I'll offer a concrete, real alternate solution, so you can try it and tell us how it worked or didn't work. How is that? | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/2/2009 12:57:04 AM | Lisbeth, I understand what you mean - it is difficult to be heard when you are saying something that the other person doesn't want to hear. It's a normal human reaction : your kids don't want to hear when you ask them to help with chores, for instance. ~CS~
^^^don't have too...you just did in your last post! | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/2/2009 1:41:28 AM | When I was a kid I actually enjoyed watching my parents yell in frustration. I knew I had the power when they yelled, they were the ones losing control. The last thing I'd do to a frequently yelling parent is start listening to them, nor should they be shown respect. Today I feel the same way. The occasional raised voice may be called for in emergency situations, but in day to day routine there's just no need for it. Assuming the kid's ears work, if you find yourself having to yell then your kids simply aren't respecting you.
I admit I do yell at him when he is naughty and doesn't listen but I don't see a problem with this. I think it is better than hitting. Yelling and hitting - are those the only two options in the world? Come, now.
What works for me is giving consequences. If they don't do chore A then they won't get to do fun things X, Y, or Z. If she is doing something annoying then if she does it again she gets (insert consequence here). If she doesn't listen then she gets a time-out for not respecting her parent for 1 minute/her age, and if she wants to whine about it she gets an extra minute. Never in any of this is there any reason to yell. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/2/2009 1:54:48 AM | Well yellling and screaming at a child is EMOTIONAL abuse. I raised 3 sons by myself, never yelled at them. When they did something wrong, I told them ONE time do not do that again. If they repeated that bad bahavior they got a paddle on the bottom.
They all 3 grew up to be good respectable men.
I know it is harder for you with his Daddy not disciplining him at all. Just remember this, all the time they were growing up my sons told me I HATE YO.
But Thanksgiving 2008, while at my middle sons house, and him and I both knew he was dying at only 35 years of age, he huged me so hard,and said I love you mon,and you were a GREAT mother,and I respect you so much.
Now he is gone, I can not talk to him ever again. Do I regrat spanking his little bottom making him behave NO. He made me so proud of him, what he died from was complications of Gulf War syncrom. After he was exposed to nerve gas at only 17 years of age in the Army.
Do not let your son saying bad things to you,and defending his daddy diswade you from doing what is best for your son. Trust me he will respect you,and dispise his daddy for not caring enough to teach him right from wrong. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/2/2009 2:15:33 AM | STOP YELLING.....Get down at his level and talk in a very stern voice and let him /her know what they did was wrong.Time out chairs worked great for me.Right in the corner she went when she was bad.Mind you I heard alot of curse words while she was there as she rocked back and forth...lol.But she was there for a purpose and I made my point even if she had to be there for an hour.
For some reason as young kids....treats worked well also.If we were meant to go to the park that day and the nite before she was bad...it was taken away.I never ever laid a hand on my daughter but learned alternative ways punishing her.It works with some but you have to stick with it...HEck I went so far as to shutting off the power to the downstairs when she was a teen .....lol.... | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/3/2009 4:39:41 AM | | hi...i am a single mom of 3 teenage boys...my 13 and 15 yr olds are doing great!!! honorroll students who follow rules and show respect to me as their parent...my 17 yr old is another story completely...was expelled from school...has been arrested 5 times...just slammed out of the house this morning after screaming/cussing at me because he had a summer school form for me to sign and was upset because i wanted to read what i was signing...i use time-outs and take away privileges as punishment..i've tried very hard not to yell...i didn't spank...try to instead explain the rationale for rules i set...i will have to admit though that after my son began screaming and cussing this morning, it became war!@! at this point in my boys' ages i'm not sure what the right answer is....should i have done more to make my kids fear me and give me the respect i deserve??? have i been too easy going with my kids??? my oldest is 6' tall and completely hateful, disrespectful toward me and toward other authority figures..we've been in counselling...no help....what to do now??????????????? | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/3/2009 11:53:13 AM | All of your ideas are very good but, from a parent who knows, very few if any work on a child who has a ADHD/ODD diagnosis. Yes. My youngest son has both. Among other issues. After all of the yelling, which was at that time (and sometimes now) still needed, he is now a pretty decent young man.
When a person (child or adult) has ADD or ADHD, it sometimes takes raising the voice and/or yelling just to keep their attention to what you say. At 2 years old right into around 12 years old, I considerd myself lucky if my son even heard a complete sentence that I spoke, never mind remembered it later. Yes, I even tried counseling. That did not work for him either. And the meds that were prescribed just worsened his other issues.
Even without meds, he's a much more attentative person now and is glad about my persistance with him because, as he put it, "I would probably not have lived to graduate high school."
Though everyone here has good ideas, they do not all work with every child. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/3/2009 2:56:35 PM | pinklora,
The way you describe your 13 and 15 years old son, and they way you describe your 17 years old, it might be possible that you act in loving / accepting ways toward your 13 and 15 y.o. and in unloving / rejecting ways toward your 17 years old. So if we do some perspective thinking here and try to put ourselves in his shoes, what would we see? Could it be that he feels like it's unfair, that his parents loves him less than his siblings? Could it be that each time you use time outs and take away privileges, he compares and feels his self esteem and motivation drop one notch lower? I don't know if you perceive the possible downward spiral it can create.
War will only bring out the fighter and the survivor in your son, leading him to more violence, more screams, more prison, more pain, more resentment and so on.
More fear is NOT what you need right now. What you need is to reverse the spiral's spin.
If you want to have any chance of arranging things before it's too late (and it's getting very late, because after 18 he gets arrested and treated as an adult by law) then you will need to find a way to reconnect and re-establish a deep, unique bond between you and him - a private bound outside the appreciation or relationship you have with his siblings.
It's a long road.
Here is an example at how you can start this healing process.
When he curses and screams at you, stop reacting. Don't switch to emotional reaction, try to detach from your own emotion and instead, try to be empathic. Make sure to take a warming stance (don't stand if he is sitting, for instance), lock with his eyes, make a nod, take a deep breath to calm down, make a hint of a sad but sincere smile and say :
"Whoaaa.... you seem to be really mad at me right now. "
And let him talk. Let him tell you EVERYTHING he feels about you, no matter how negative it is. And each time he tells you something, try to understand how HE feels. Tell him how you think he must feel right now in your own words, so he can realize you REALLY try to understand him. Try not to pass any judgment, only listening and warmth and understanding. Let your emotional shield down. Once he is done telling you all this, you will be able to see if his own emotional shield is cracking. He might be crying at that point, and you might be, too, if you haven't done that in a long time. When you get there, don't hold it back, just end up hugging each other. Now it's the time to tell him:
"I love you. I will always love you. I don't care what you did before, what you studied or not, how you talk to me when you are angry, it doesn't change anything about how I feel: I love you, it pains me to see how hurt you are sometimes, and I want the best for you. I love you."
This is how the cycle can be broken.
If you need further assistance, feel free to msg me privately. Good luck. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/3/2009 8:29:48 PM | Well I have been one of those one's that yell at their kids to. I have a 9 year old & a 6 year old. I am a single mother & dad is all about play time even when we were together. I am more structured, in order for things to get done like homework, baths, sports events & many more things that me & the children do in life. He would give them candy & I would be the one holding their hand while they had the tooth pulled from eating to much candy.
I know I've kinda got off the subject, but it is very hard to raise children & nobody can tell you how to raise yours. For my son when he was that age I could talk to him & he would behave. I would just tell him that I was not happy when he acted up & what I expected of him & for the most part it worked. But now my daughter she was difficult I tried everything even spanking her well nothing worked but to send her to time out & then before she could get up I would tell her why she was there & that it was not tolerated.
Now that they are getting older & being able to really express themselves & becoming the people they are going to be. It is getting harder but they do listen when you really just talk to them.
I never thought that my children really heard everything that I said but I was amazed when my 9 yr. old son wrote me something for mothers day this year & this is what is said.
I love my mommy
mom took me to the hospitle (hospital)
mom pushes me in sports
mom wants me to go to colage ( college)
mom wants me to get a job
mom wants me to get good grades
mom tells me be carfull (careful)
mom tells me to not smoke
mom tells me right from wrong
mom help with my homework
mom cleans the house
mom goes to work
mom feeds me
mom loves me
mom cares for my safty (saftey)
I love my mommy
So you might not think that what you are saying is getting through at that moment but it is.
you are doing a good job & just try your best.
My advise to you is just comunicate with your child. He is listening & does understand what is expected of him.
What I do when my children are not listening & are really getting on my nerves is send them to their room to think about what they have done set a timer for them when it goes off they can come out & tell me how they can fix or change the way they were behaving & at any time during their time out period if they even say my name I add more time. One time my kids spent 2 hours in their room it was peaceful but now they know. When they are in there they do not say a word. It gives them a chance to really think of how to change the situation that got them in there in the 1st place.
good luck | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/4/2009 11:19:53 AM |
Sidenote: The only thing more annoying that provides even less results is counting! Please don't start that stupid practice of "I am going to count to 3"......I just want to applaud the parent for being willing to look like an idiot!/
Lol yes. to be fair to them they are trying, and consistency is certainly a bedrock of parenting.
I have some friends that used this method. They ar good parents and teir child is good un too.
Obviously you can only suggest alternatives, but often as not people are sick of hearing alternatives.
Nothing worse than seeing sad kids about with inept parents.
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/4/2009 1:21:05 PM | | All I know is, I wish I had it as easy as kids now a days do.....people our age and older really knew what a punishment was. People basically 20 and under can even begin to comprehend what a true punishment is. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/4/2009 1:53:02 PM | A swift smack on the butt would do the little brat some good!
Yelling just creates a hostile environment, but is sometimes necessary and in moderation, won't create that kind of environment.
If you can't do it.. then time outs, chair time, quiet time in the corner, whatever you want to call it.
I had to do a combination of everything with my son.
He hates when I raise my voice, he hates when I tell him I don't trust him (which he is currently working on getting my trust back), he knows when he is about to get his butt smacked and he hates when I make him sit facing he wall. Counting isn't working at well now that he is 10, but taking away movies and video games does.
Be warned, whatever you do, your child will emulate and will repeat at school when he gets there oh.. and they will tell the teacher.
Basically, find what works for your child and do it.
As long as you are not beating or abusing your child.
To hell with what others think! | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/4/2009 8:35:54 PM | I am from the old school. Mom used to make me go outside and get my own switch and it had better not be a rotten one. One or two or more licks if needed will definitely straighten out your problem. You may be against that discipiline type but believe me it works and it won't kill him. "Spare the rod and spoil the child." Either you can correct him as he grows up or the prison system will. Its up to you. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/5/2009 11:26:00 PM | I discipline my child harshly. With spanking and the raising of my voice. Dont get me wrong I do not beat my child with a wire a hanger or anything like that. But I do think it is neccesary these days to have serious discipline. Teenagers these days have no control over there actions and what they do. I am saying this at a twenty year old woman who just recently kinda well grew up. I do not want my child turning out like all these stupid disgusting men I see these days who are disrespectful and STUPID!!!! So I am going to disipline my child harshly and not just stick him in a DAMN CORNER. I know my child will turn out to be a good man. Because I will make sure I instill all of his necessary life lessaons. I believe the only way to do that is to use REAL discipline. For all you **** parents who "discipline" your child by putting them in a corner and saying no in a nice voice have fun with your lovely influence on society child. One of those juvenile dilnquents.
EVERY PERSON NEEDS TO HAVE REALITY SMACKED INTO THEM SOMETIMES AND SOMETIMES THATS THE ONLY WAY! THINK ABOUT IT!
and yes i got BEAT as a child | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/6/2009 7:45:13 PM | I can not believe I'm wading into this fray.... IN CANADA
1. Emotional Abuse - includes yelling, spurning, name calling etc.
- yelling - or any loud interaction that causes a "startle reflex" causes an increase in cortisol in the brain. In children, ongoing regular exposure to high "shots" of cortisol cause brain damage, the symptoms of which mimic ADD, and CAP (central auditory processing disorder)
2. Physical Abuse - according to the criminal code of canada, you can only spank a child over the age of 2 and under the age of 12 yrs, on the buttocks, with an open palm over clothes using reasonable force as an immediate corrective measure. If you are "angry" even this act can be deemed assault as in anger or any hightened emotional state, your ability to ascertain 'reasonable' force could be impaired. The legislations (section...uhm...52??? I believe) is pretty blunt.
ANY physical contact outside of these parameters can result in a charge of level 1 assault. Should you use a stick, slipper, belt etc, it would be deemed level 2 assault (with a weapon).
NOTE: in cases where child protection becomes involved, while police require a 'conviction', agencies look at the LIKELIHOOD that an event occured, or the RISK that it could occur and cause harm to a child.
There's been talk of good books on parenting... I recommend
12 Keys of Discipline
Children are from Heaven
Giving the Love that Heals
for weblinks, I'm a huge fan of Elaine Gibson....her works is well written and easy to understand/implement. She has lots of strategies for working with challenging children.
I work with LOTS and LOTS of parents. I see lots and lots of children. Each child and parental situation is unique and being openminded and creative and seeking advice, and ideas from other parents will give all parents the strategies to succeed. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/6/2009 9:11:23 PM | | I have yelled at my girl exactly once and felt like a complete jerk afterwards, even though I knew at the time it was the only way she would hear me and respond. We were walking to the library about six months ago, and there was still a little ice on the sidewalks. She yanked her hand free of mine and RAN into the road. There were several cars coming and I bellowed at her while running toward her "DON'T MOVE YOUNG LADY!!" I snatched her up and raced back to the sidewalk, sat her down on the grass and yelled at top volume "Don't you ever EVER let go of my hand like that again! DANGEROUS. You could have been smushed by that car!!!" Her eyes were huge, my heart was pounding, we were both in tears, and I felt like crap for a week afterwards. Do I believe that was abuse? Not really. If I yelled at her all the time, for every little thing, and just because I felt like it, that would be abuse. But to emphasize that something is dangerous and have her remember that it is dangerous even now is not. She holds my hand tightly in parking lots, on sidewalks and says to me "I hold your hand so I won't get hurt by a car!" She didn't end up traumatized, but she learned a good lesson. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/6/2009 9:33:26 PM |
I discipline my child harshly. With spanking and the raising of my voice. Dont get me wrong I do not beat my child with a wire a hanger or anything like that. But I do think it is neccesary these days to have serious discipline. Teenagers these days have no control over there actions and what they do. I am saying this at a twenty year old woman who just recently kinda well grew up. I do not want my child turning out like all these stupid disgusting men I see these days who are disrespectful and STUPID!!!! So I am going to disipline my child harshly and not just stick him in a DAMN CORNER. I know my child will turn out to be a good man. Because I will make sure I instill all of his necessary life lessaons. I believe the only way to do that is to use REAL discipline. For all you **** parents who "discipline" your child by putting them in a corner and saying no in a nice voice have fun with your lovely influence on society child. One of those juvenile dilnquents.
EVERY PERSON NEEDS TO HAVE REALITY SMACKED INTO THEM SOMETIMES AND SOMETIMES THATS THE ONLY WAY! THINK ABOUT IT!
and yes i got BEAT as a child
Statistics don't lie. Teen parents are more apt to hit their children than older parents. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/6/2009 10:02:31 PM | Babies born to teenagers are at risk for neglect and abuse because their young mothers are uncertain about their roles and may be frustrated by the constant demands of caretaking.
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/when_children_have_children
Children of teenage mothers had higher relative risks (RRs) of hospital admissions for violent as well as unintentional injuries; age adjusted RRs of 2.7 (95% CI 1.2 to 6.1) and 1.6 (1.4 to 1.8), respectively, for children of mothers under 18 years of age and 2.5 (1.6 to 3.8) and 1.5 (1.4 to 1.6) of mothers aged 18–19 are compared with those with mothers aged at least 32 at the birth of the child. When the models were adjusted to socioeconomic variables and indicators of parental substance misuse and psychiatric illness the risk decreased slightly but remained well above that of children with older mothers. In addition, children of teenage mothers had an increased risk of death attributable to violent injuries (RR 6.7 (2.6 to 16.0), as well as to unintentional injuries (RR 3.5 (2.0 to 6.1).
http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1732862
This 20-year longitudinal study showed that the young adult offspring of teen mothers are at risk for a range of adverse outcomes including early school leaving, unemployment, early parenthood, and violent offending. We tested how much the effect of teen childbearing on offspring outcomes could be accounted for by social selection (in which a woman's characteristics that make her an inadequate parent also make her likely to bear children in her teens) versus social influence (in which the consequences of becoming a teen mother also bring harm to her children, apart from any characteristics of her own). The results provided support for both mechanisms. Across outcomes, maternal characteristics and family circumstances together accounted for approximately 39% of the effect of teen childbearing on offspring outcomes. Consistent with a social-selection hypothesis, maternal characteristics accounted for approximately 18% of the effect of teen childbearing on offspring outcomes; consistent with a social-influence hypothesis, family circumstances accounted for 21% of the teen childbearing effect after controlling for maternal characteristics. These results suggest that public policy initiatives should be targeted not only at delaying childbearing in the population but at supporting individual at-risk mothers and their children.
http://journals.cambridge.org/action/displayAbstract?fromPage=online&aid=74003 | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 6/6/2009 10:36:46 PM | ANY physical contact outside of these parameters can result in a charge of level 1 assault.
Oh but I wish that were true........it is rarely enforced in Canada for first time offenses. I have a daughter whose father at the age of 3 thought it was appropriate to hold her between his legs, bend her over his knee, hold her down with one hand and slap her bum (clothes on) 16 times leaving a hand bruise on her buttocks and a thumb bruise on her lower spine.
He was investigated by CAS (file recently closed). He was talked to by the police but was NOT charged. His access was restored in full because he agreed to take a parenting class. He never took the parenting class but he managed to smooze the hell out of the CAS worker and convince her that it was a one-time occurence.
Our daughter was traumatized by the incident and so was I quite frankly and did not act quickly enough to ensure he could NEVER do it again. To this day, he feels he did NOTHING criminal and therefore nothing wrong so I try to work with him as best I can praying he does not ever do such a thing again but fully expecting it to happen.
Strange how you can punch another adult and be thrown in jail and charged with assault but you can bruise a child and receive a slap on the wrist by those who are entrusted by our society to protect the welfare of children and society as a whole (CAS and the Police).
I learned alot by that experience. I learned never to trust CAS to do their damn job and that I couldn't count on the police to do their job and enforce the law. I trust myself and the lawyer who has a retainer and stands by in case their is another such incidence.
The studies show that abusers don't usually stop abusing without intervention and anger management or other psychiatric treatment. They will continue to be abusive. So why then, can a parent who physically abuses their children get off with a slap on the hand? Aren't children more vulnerable than adults?
I've been a parent for over 15 years and there were times when I wanted to physically assault my child and cause damage but I never acted on those impulses because I KNOW that it is wrong. My filter works....his failed once and is more likely to fail again and it will be a child who suffers. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/3/2009 7:07:11 PM | Dear Friends,
Yelling, to say nothing of hitting, increases production of adrenocorticosteroids, as well as elevates norepinephrine.. If a physician were to use any regent so risky, he would face sanctions.
Most competent medical authorities since about the nineteen sixties or so proscribe punishment or any other adrenergic stimulus as a means of establishing discipline. Pop psychologists and and memories of grandpa's belt are no substitute for reasoned decisions about developmental goals and protocols.
All good wishes,
CdC | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/3/2009 8:35:48 PM | | I yelled at my 3 yr old yesterday. We went to the grocery store and he wanted to return the cart to the designated cart area in the parking lot. Well after I helped him return the cart, he JETTED across the parking lot while a car was driving towards us. I yelled at him to STOP, then I ran to him and picked him up. Some woman was looking at me funny but I could have cared less. My son was in danger and you bet your a** I was gonna get his attention so he wouldnt get run over. I then proceeded to carry him back to the car which he absolutely HATES but he knows that he can walk while holding my hand or he can be held if he doesnt listen. As far as yelling on a regular basis goes? No, I dont think it's effective parenting. If you're yelling, it means you have lost control of the situation and children are smart lil cookies; they will know that they have gained control and will be naughty to get your attention, even though it's bad attention. Time outs, privilege revoking, and positive reinforcement are the best ways to effectively discipline. Yelling should only be used for dangerous situations. If you feel as though you are getting angry and your voice starts rising, take a time out to collect yourself. Go outside for a few minutes, take a breather, and then go back in and discipline. Dont worry though, ALL of us parents have yelled at our kids at some point. Nobody's perfect and we all have gotten a bit too angry at one point or another. What makes us good parents is learning from our mistakes and trying to do better in the future.. Good Luck!! | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/3/2009 9:17:24 PM |
If a husband and wife are having an argument and they are yelling, I know of no law enforcement who would charge them with domestic violence LOL
The things people actually believe on these forums...
That is because adults can walk away from the person yelling, They do not have to sit there and listen to it. On the other hand, children are a captive audience, literally.
"Spare the rod and spoil the child." Either you can correct him as he grows up or the prison system will. Its up to you.
That same "book" makes it mandatory to kill your children if they talk back to you, too.
I discipline my child harshly. With spanking and the raising of my voice. Dont get me wrong I do not beat my child with a wire a hanger or anything like that. But I do think it is neccesary these days to have serious discipline. Teenagers these days have no control over there actions and what they do. I am saying this at a twenty year old woman who just recently kinda well grew up. I do not want my child turning out like all these stupid disgusting men I see these days who are disrespectful and STUPID!!!! So I am going to disipline my child harshly and not just stick him in a DAMN CORNER. I know my child will turn out to be a good man. Because I will make sure I instill all of his necessary life lessaons. I believe the only way to do that is to use REAL discipline. For all you **** parents who "discipline" your child by putting them in a corner and saying no in a nice voice have fun with your lovely influence on society child. One of those juvenile dilnquents.
EVERY PERSON NEEDS TO HAVE REALITY SMACKED INTO THEM SOMETIMES AND SOMETIMES THATS THE ONLY WAY! THINK ABOUT IT!
and yes i got BEAT as a child
Unfortunately this is a common* trait among teen mothers.
Please note common DOES NOT MEAN all or every. | |
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