| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:44:57 PM | | I think that many parents don't do it though m church because they lack the patience to communicate effectively with their younger children. I have a four year old and honestly getting her to communicate is at times very trying....lol....with all the ums and ahs...and the easy distractions, it takes her a while to get it out and can be quite frustrating at times to be honest. Most of the time, I have the patience but there are times when I just want her to comply. I usually use my stern "mommy voice" (not yelling but deadly serious) along with my serious "mommy face" and she gets the message quickly. I will occasionally hand out an ultimatum if either of the two above didn't work...something I don't like to do but there are times.....lol.... | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/7/2009 6:50:30 PM |
One of the things I love about my G/F is that she took a course on communication... as did I (different courses) but anyway one of the things that we do very well is communicate... yet we don't teach this sort of thing as a course to parents... and we really should...
Actually, we do teach this sort of things to the parents.
It's the very topic that is taught through the Parent Effectiveness Training, the workshop I am working on facilitating as a family life educator.
It would make life so much easier if we could do something similar when raising a child... less confusion and precise instructions... and less mixups leading to upsets...
Yes. These concept and many more are taught during this parenting workshop. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/7/2009 7:29:38 PM | Superwoman, you are correct in that we often parent as we were parented. I was raised by a father who was a yeller and a mother who seldom raised her voice - although her punishments were often much lengthier than my father's, and therefore quite frequently less appreciated.
However, I am reminded of a day when my oldest son (who is also a yeller) was 3 or 4 years of age. He and I were battling - I believe over the task of picking up his toys. We had been yelling at each other for several minutes when he turned and placing both hands on his hips yelled, "Why are you yelling at me?"
I, who was very frustrated by this time, yelled back, "Because you aren't listening to me!"
He smiled and shook his head and replied, "Well it sure isn't because I can't hear you. I just don't want to listen. That's all."
Fortunately, I did learn from my parents that it is always appropriate to laugh at yourself and to dish out plenty of hugs. That's exactly what I did - burst into laughter and pulled him into a crushing hug - only promising to let him go when he promised that if I stopped yelling he would start listening!
Thank god laughter and hugs also work!  | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/7/2009 10:07:01 PM |
Actually, we do teach this sort of things to the parents.
It's the very topic that is taught through the Parent Effectiveness Training, the workshop I am working on facilitating as a family life educator.
Hmmm Maybe there is hope for the world afterall....
I used to find it weird that if you get a dog, classes are recommended for teaching you and your dog... what they used to call obedience school... but is in fact training the owner... that we didn't have such a thing for parents.... so at least it's being done to a degree now and that's a good thing.... | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/7/2009 10:21:16 PM |
However, I am reminded of a day when my oldest son (who is also a yeller) was 3 or 4 years of age. He and I were battling - I believe over the task of picking up his toys. We had been yelling at each other for several minutes when he turned and placing both hands on his hips yelled, "Why are you yelling at me?"
I, who was very frustrated by this time, yelled back, "Because you aren't listening to me!"
He smiled and shook his head and replied, "Well it sure isn't because I can't hear you. I just don't want to listen. That's all."
I think this is brilliant insight for anyone, especially a 4 year old. He makes an excellent point, and this illustrates why yelling is futile, as well as a bad thing to do to your children. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:07:43 AM | | I think completion of parenting classes should be mandatory before you can take your child home from the hospital or be a parent....might go a long way to educating people about early childhood development......and cut down on the numbers of fvcked up kids. I'm sure I'm not the only mother-to-be that read her way through a mountain of books on parenting when I was expecting my first child...or maybe I'm rare....I don't know but it worked out well for me and for my son. I recently enrolled in a parenting class thinking it might do me some good to get a refresher course but the things they were teaching were not the methods I would be willing to practice regularly...they are last resort methods mainly for me...I prefer to communicate and only use the other tools (timeouts, rewards/bribes, etc... when I am stretched for time or don't have the patience at the moment to "talk" with my children). I did still find the class somewhat useful if only to make me realize I hadn't forgotten as much as I thought I had in the 11 years between my two children. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:18:43 AM |
Hmmm Maybe there is hope for the world afterall....
I used to find it weird that if you get a dog, classes are recommended for teaching you and your dog... what they used to call obedience school... but is in fact training the owner... that we didn't have such a thing for parents.... so at least it's being done to a degree now and that's a good thing....
I wish it was mandatory for every parent and every child educator - or for anyone starting any kind of long term relationship with someone, for that matter. But it's not, and the problem is that the people who would most benefit from these workshop are the least likely to look for them in the first place, hence the need for government funded programs, advertising, etc.
Where can the average person go to take one of these classes?
Local Community centers, school boards, CLSC, YMCA, woman shelters, social aid organizations, psychologists, private counselors, some day care centers, CEGEP, colleges, some universities...
Some of these workshop are also available as DVD / Video and can be presented to other parent by anyone who is willing to purchase the course material (such as Faber & Mazlish "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk") and some like Thomas Gordon's "Parent Effectiveness Training", Dr Marshall "Non Violent communication" or Dr. Neufeld "Hold on to your kid" workshop requires certification in order to be facilitated.
Most of these workshop also are available through books, MP3 audio material and/or DVD and conferences.
Note that, as Itsall pointed out, not every parenting courses focus on communication skills for parents, so choosing a parenting course can be quite challenging in itself. For those who are in Montreal, I will offer one of these workshop probably around next September, and I know of at least two other facilitator who will also offer this course in the next months. Those interested to know more can contact me privately for me information. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/8/2009 12:26:10 AM | Thanks. Do you ever get south of the border?
I would like to take classes in the areas we've discussed here, but also I'd like to learn more ways to help my child be successful in school. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/8/2009 1:04:46 AM | Futureshock, the Parent Effectiveness Training is offered in the US.
You can find information about it on the Gordon Institute website, here: http://www.gordontraining.com/
The Faber & Mazlish workshop is also offered in different areas, some of which are in US. It's difficult to get a list, because it's not a certified program, but you can already find some of the area it is offered to on this list :
http://www.fabermazlish.com/upcoming.htm
Find Neufeld's speaking schedules for his classes and conferences here: http://www.gordonneufeld.com/schedule2009.php
Alfie Kohn's parenting lectures & workshop list can be found here: http://www.alfiekohn.org/schedule.php
I haven't found a list of Barabara Coloroso's conferences or workshop - but you can watch some of her great advices and conferences on youtube. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/8/2009 11:13:20 AM | | Volume doesn't increase clarity, understanding or change behavior. If anything a smaller softer voice that requires attention to hear is more effective. The more important question is why is the child not being attentive. Often inattention is a learned behavior, are there lots of distractions..is the tv on all the time, do you read to the child, have quiet time with him/her, is the child tired, not getting enough sleep. You may want to see a doc, the child may be showing signs of autism or some medical condition like deafness, failing a medical condition try parenting class. Does the child listen to other adults. Most likely it's not the childs fault, look in a mirror and review how the child is being treated, what sort of behavior is being reinforced. Does the child get rewarded for being quite after making loads of noise, or when he/she does listen, if so you may be training the child not to listen and then to listen in order to get the reward. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/9/2009 10:00:12 PM | that's a good answer!
i'm not a parant but i am the same as the child in your situation, i'm 19.. i come from a broken home myself and i have behavioural problems, from the ages of 9-16 my mother would shout and scream at me over anythin i did wrong, no matter how big or small..
as you can well immagine, a hormoanal teenager, being shouted at is something we learn to ignore.. we make fun of it in our heads and behind your backs then we go and do the same thing again.. so we have learnt nothing!
Take this for instance, i have an 11 year old brother, he, like me has behavioural problems.
my mother bought him an xbox 360 and games to keep him occupied because he can't be trusted out in the street... a form of prevention.. if your child is a problem when unsupervised try to create some form of prevention to keep them out of trouble and occupy their bored minds at the same time.
adding on to that, my 11 year old brother, one day decides to get in a mood with his xbox and snaps a game up, games costing £40.. not very cheap.. so what does my mother do? she loses it and screams at him for 5 minutes... after which he carried on playing almost as if she had not said a word! now, what would have been more effective? SCREAMING at him... or removing the rest of his games until he realises what he has done and appologises on his own accord?... as stated above... it's all about prevention. if you yell.. you will be ignored.. i know you will because even at this age.. i still ignore my mother when she shouts!
shouting constantly only leads to rebellious behaviour.. guaranteed!
Try finding some way of prevention.. things can then only be done once and lessons will be learned? pretty simple really. that's my essay over, hope you find something in there helpful.
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/9/2009 10:23:41 PM |
i have an 11 year old brother, he, like me has behavioural problems.
my mother bought him an xbox 360 and games to keep him occupied because he can't be trusted out in the street... a form of prevention.. if your child is a problem when unsupervised try to create some form of prevention to keep them out of trouble and occupy their bored minds at the same time.
adding on to that, my 11 year old brother, one day decides to get in a mood with his xbox and snaps a game up, games costing £40
Screaming at him or punishing him by taking games away might not even work. He needs help to understand why he gets so angry that he destroys expensive property. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/9/2009 10:25:36 PM | | yeah, but the concequences of his actions are his games are removed.. giving him time to think about what he has done, and in that time he will realise.. if he does it again, the games will be removed again.. obviously there would be a time limit on the second time it happens.. if it happens again at all. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/9/2009 10:48:49 PM |
yeah, but the concequences of his actions are his games are removed.. giving him time to think about what he has done, and in that time he will realise.. if he does it again, the games will be removed again.. obviously there would be a time limit on the second time it happens.. if it happens again at all.
I agree that might work on a normal child, but it will only make things worse and cause more frustration in a child who cannot control his moods and impulses. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/9/2009 10:55:53 PM | I wanted to address the comments about silence being a more effective tool than screaming.
It just made me think of the lack of communication I have in my relationship right now, which is the reason for our repeating break-ups (we're workin' on it!!).
Silence can be abusive emotionally, just as the yelling and screaming is, and even more frustrating.
Healthy communication with a child is very important, especially when they are toddlers and preschoolers. They are just learning about right and wrong, and need everything explained to them with patience and rationality.
Patience, communication and compromise are the most important parts of all our relationships. Work, friendships, romantic and it should be used with our children as well. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:00:32 PM | | I know this isn't what you are talking about, but I used to get frustrated when my child wouldn't talk to me, until she explained that when she is silent it is because she doesn't know the right words to express herself. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:09:50 PM |
I know this isn't what you are talking about, but I used to get frustrated when my child wouldn't talk to me, until she explained that when she is silent it is because she doesn't know the right words to express herself.
But it seems like you communicated with her effectively to get to the bottom of the silence.
My dad used to do the silence thing. I called it "Dad's Cold Shoulder". I would cry because I would never know what I did to make him so mad at me that he didn't even care enough to talk to me. I can't even remember what I hated worse, the screaming and yelling that would be over in 5 minutes, or the time spent agonizing over what he was so mad at me for and wondering if he still loved me. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:33:00 PM |
My dad used to do the silence thing. I called it "Dad's Cold Shoulder". I would cry because I would never know what I did to make him so mad at me that he didn't even care enough to talk to me. I can't even remember what I hated worse, the screaming and yelling that would be over in 5 minutes, or the time spent agonizing over what he was so mad at me for and wondering if he still loved me.
That is so cruel. I just want to pick up little you and give your inner child a hug. | |
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| Discipline - Is yelling at your children wrong?
Posted: 7/9/2009 11:33:26 PM | well futureshock, i was just stating how the young person feels, it's not the point of the thing that has been broken being expensive.. its the fact of trying to find a calm prevention to each problem which araises.. there is no need for a parant to shout.. evidently as stated by other commenters.. if there is a case of danger and the parant needs the childs attention then yes shout, it's the fastest way.. but dicipline wise.. there is always a calm prevention.. thats what i was trying to say, i was just using the example of the thing being taken away as one method of prevention.. the moral to it is.. don't show anger or frustration because the child will only retalliate with more unruley behaviour once they know they can make you lose it.. i know this is true.. if parants sat and talked to their children.. asking them their point of view.. asking how they want to be treated and setting guidelines in order to recieve what they want... dont you think that will "prevent" most behaviour problems? obviously there are going to be times when the child is upset or angry him/herself and cause a problem, but try understand that no child is an angel.. im sure if all you parants spoke to your own parants you will find that you were the same at that age.. anger and upset are natural emotions which need to dealt with delicately in order to progress.. you as parants need to work out the best way to communicate with your child.. wether it be taking them to the beach/park and playing for a while before talking to them or simply give them a cuddle and assure them that whatever it is making them behave the way they are can be solved.
all children are different ofcourse.. but parants have bonds with their children stronger than any other emotional bond.. you can do it if you are patient and persistant enough. | |
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