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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 5:59:06 PM | First of all.. congratulations for being a survivor. My mother was diagnosed when she was about your age and she's now about 7 yrs clean and clear.
I don't think you should post it in your profile. I don't think you should hide it.. I mean, unless you are using prosthetics, it will probably be noticable when you meet someone the first time.
However.. posting it will automatically eliminate the shallow people. You don't need them in your life.
Breasts are not the only thing that identifies a woman as being a woman. I think having a conversation is kind of a tricky thing. When to do it. Too soon and you freak someone out. Too late and you feel like you are hiding something or they feel like you aren't being honest.
Good luck!! | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/23/2009 6:15:51 PM | I vote for not posting it also.
Would it be any different if you met a man who was interested in you on the street? Would you tell him right then and there about it?
I say, if you go on a second date, you can mention it then or if they ask about it.
Then you know they are interested in you and feel comfortable telling them about it. | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/24/2009 10:58:19 AM | First, I'd like to say "Bravo" to those women who responded who also made it as a Survivor of this terrible disease. To the woman who lost her husband to Cancer,(meaning he left you) . I feel that is far worse than the disease itself. How awful. I was alone when it happened so didn't have any expectations from others. You certainly did have the right to expect your husband to support you. I've often wondered about that, how many women had to deal with the breast loss along with their spouse.
I am not ashamed of who I am now. I am Proud that I made it to the other end. Having no breasts does not bother me in the least. My point: God gave women breasts to feed their children, I'm way done with that, so I don't need them anymore. I'd rather have my eye sight and my hearing for example.
I appreciate all of the opinions and advise. Ultimately, by posting a forum, I took it out of my hands. I forgot that all of this would be posted on my profile. I had been talking with a couple of fellows that were of interest. As of last night they are now 'Gone". BUT, better to know about how shallow they are now then later. That is why I tend to want to put it on my profile ((I did have it on my profile but on the advise from a male friend, removed it), If the guys read it up front, they have a chance/know whether they can handle it when they message me/or I message them. Right? What a waste of time to chat, get to know some one for them to exit stage left when they find out. A waste of my time and theirs.
I would have liked to hear from more men on the topic of when "they" feel it would be appropriate to be told. I do wear a mastectomy bra with silicone replacements when I date so the men don't know unless it gets to a point of "intimate". I don't wear it all of the time. It is heavy. lol I hated wearing a bra when I had to, now I don't have to and I love that part. I haven't decided about reconstruction yet, they won't do it yet.
I WOULD LIKE THIS DISCUSSION TO CONTINUE: FOR SURVIVORS: How did you handle this part of dating and intimacy? FOR MEN: What is your point of view? Would you want to read it on a profile? Or be told later on into the dating process.
To the woman who said, "would you tell a guy you met randomly"? Good point. Hell no, I wouldn't tell him until I thought the relationship might progress to a more serious level. I see your point here! C.J. 
PS: Point of interest, I was trying to respond to replies last night, but POF will only allow me to "Post" after 10 other posts (other than mine). I'm not sure how that gets to be a discussion. I have to try to fit what everyone had to say in ONE post. | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:37:49 AM | Hi OP,
Firstly its great to know you are well and happy,that is the most important thing.
As for putting this on your profile,i think not,you have come through this terrible illness and as you move forward and start meeting men again,such a personal issue like this has to treated sensitively but only with people who care about you and you care about too.
Having no breasts would make no difference to me at all,you are an attractive lady with lots to offer some lucky man and any man with integrity will love you for the person you are,i have no doubt about that.
To someone who genuinely loves you,your condition will make no difference to him at all and so it shouldnt.very best wishes for the future.
TI | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/24/2009 5:05:09 PM | Well, to be honest, I've sort of screwed this up. I was dating a guy...the first guy after I got out of treatment and surgery and blah, blah, blah...this past summer (not a fish...a "regular" guy.)
A certain level of intimacy was established and first base had been stood on long enough, so...second base, here we come.
In retrospect...isn't hind sight always 20/20?...I should have discussed my situation over dinner...something like that.
It is very difficult to "screw up your courage" to broach a subject like this. For me, it's along the lines of, "By the way, I'm also an axe murderer."
So, "Miss Tactful" ...at the critical moment...blurted out, "I'm very interesting naked."
He seemed very happy (at the thought of the naked part.) Until...
The day after, he came by my house and apologized.
It was quite stunning.
I see this individual from time to time...Podunk, MS is a very small place. He always seems astonished to see that I am still alive.
Frankly, my dear, he was absolutely horrified.
So, it is an issue for me.
Based on this one experience, I'd say that broaching the subject over dinner is a much better strategy than the heat of the moment...it really blew the mood. REALLY.
I have been assured by my men friends (I work in a male-dominated profession) that it would not be an issue for them. A few of them volunteered the information...in very kind, caring sorts of moments.
The (happily) married women run around yapping that their husbands don't care...so, it sort of follows that there must be men out there who can find ways to cope.
One of my online friends reported that her husband insists that she wears her prosthetics when they have sex. Some have reported that they (by choice) wear a little tank top, etc.
One of the ladies said she deals with the lack of feeling by encouraging her husband to use more pressure (nerves are cut during mastectomies = "Mrs. Doubtfire")
I've never been a terribly self-conscious sort of person.
However, I would be lying if I didn't admit to serious misgivings when it comes to showing a man the "footballs" (typical breast scarring associated with delayed reconstruction) and the hip-to-hip scars that go with it.
In some ways, I want to have little cards printed...saying something like, "My breasts are not the ones I was born with." Add a little diagram. "Everybody doesn't die."
Oh, well.
I'm moving on.
Maybe, I will do better the second time around.
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/24/2009 5:10:40 PM | This is such a great answer!
I had a mastectomy almost 3 years ago. I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer, then 7 months later *I* was diagnosed with breast cancer. Had the mastectomy, chemo, radiation and all that. Trying to get back into the dating scene after losing my spouse and my cancer was a double whammy I guess. Ack, sorry OP, I didn't mean to hijack your thread!
I have the same dilemma about when to tell men. Although I've only had a couple of dates, I am of the thought that I want to know right away whether or not they will bolt. My friends all tell me to wait, but to me that almost seems dishonest.
Maybe someday I'll be more comfortable and feel better about myself, but until then I guess I'll keep on just doing what feels right at the time. Like others have said, do what you feel is right. | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/24/2009 5:25:13 PM | Bravo! I don't think this has anything to do with how you or me feel about ourselves. It's a matter of timing. Like the post above yours, bad timing. I wouldn't wait that long. I know by posting it on my profile I might not be giving some guy a chance to get to know me first. But I like to treat people how I would like to be treated. If a man has/had prostrate cancer and it was going to effect our sex life, I would want the time/ability to allow myself to think that over and see if it was something that I could deal with. Some people can deal and care more about the personality, some people are visual (like the post above yours) and some people are more sexual. It doesn't make it right or wrong. Just life.
It's all about perspective, isn't it"?  | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 2/24/2009 11:19:25 PM |
FOR MEN: What is your point of view? Would you want to read it on a profile? Or be told later on into the dating process.
Ideally, over a beer....
To be quite honest, I don't know which....
I can see positives and negatives to both.... I'm leaning towards, later on in the dating profile... as I could see missing out on a great person by just clicking "Next" instead of getting to know the person....
Putting it in your profile might save you a lot of heartache, as there are a lot of really insensitive guys out there....who might be hurtful if they were to be told later... and you'd weed out a lot of that type easier.... | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating The secret is out!
Posted: 2/26/2009 5:11:35 PM | I think that people looking at the profile see only the last 5 posts.If this is correct, then you can make this drop from your profile, if you wish.
Getting back to your original question,I think the men who would avoid you because of the mastectomy are not the men you need to meet. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/26/2009 7:30:43 PM | | I also have had a Mastecomy. I have had no problems with dating. I started out putting it in my profile and read on here, not to. So by the time I get to know someone, its not a big deal. Now, I just need the hair to grow faster...lol | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/27/2009 8:58:59 PM | Congrats on surviving BC  (edit: all of you)
all it takes is one special guy &if you are proud of who you are and not ashamed, do what fits you best!!
gl!! | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/28/2009 8:10:28 AM | Luv, I agree with the majority about not posting on your profile.
I'm also a survivor, but got lucky and had a lumpectomy. It's still an issue, due to scarring, and the difference in the sizes of the breasts. I do keep a pic posted with me in my bandanna. I find this eliminates the shallow, and fuels conversation for those not so shallow. I, too, want my hair to grow FASTER!!!! lol At least you can't look at me now and tell something is up with the really short hair.
Like another lady here, the hubby left while I was bald and going through chemo. I found that much more devastating than the actual cancer, surgeries and chemo.
KUDOS to all us strong women with the BALLS to keep moving forward!!!!  | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/28/2009 9:10:10 AM | | Meeting and connecting with someone anonymously from a site where we post picture and statistics about ourselves is difficult under the best of circumstances. I won't define what are the best of circumstances. Meeting someone live and in person works best. Where do similarly minded people find eachother. Apparently none of us have the right answer because here we all are. The whole nature of this process lends itself to pickiness about personal characteristics and attributes, however unfair that might be. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/28/2009 9:36:58 AM | Hi CJ. You know, I just think you are beautiful. Your pictures tell who you are. Lovely.
That said, it's up to you; whatever you are comfortable with doing. It's a personal choice and really, has nothing to do with the reader of your profile.  | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/28/2009 10:39:23 AM |
KUDOS to all us strong women with the BALLS to keep moving forward!!!!
Wait a minute !! A woman with no breasts....no problem at all..none.
A woman with BALLS ??? OK, now i have issues ! | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/28/2009 12:20:44 PM | | I think guys generally go by appearance a LOT. I wouldn't mention it in my profile, I would bring it up only if the meet/date went well, or even a few days if you see a potential relationship with the guy. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/28/2009 8:59:59 PM |
Wait a minute !! A woman with no breasts....no problem at all..none.
A woman with BALLS ??? OK, now i have issues !
Come one Slade!! Ya know what I meant.... lol | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 2/28/2009 9:40:25 PM | I think it's great you're being honest, but I don't think it matters either way whether you mention the fact ahead of time, or later. It might be better later because at least 50% of the guys you meet you won't see again and they probably won't make it in your pants anyway.
They're just breasts. Maybe you had an attachment to yours, but they're gone, and with them your life is saved and you're cancer free and able to continue living your life. I have a friend who had a double mastectomy and I've always thought if that happened to me... they're just boobs, and I could easily get rid of them to save myself. Not to mention freedom from bras! OMG how awesome. I have a scar down the middle of my chest from heart surgery... I mention it sometimes, but if someone is going to flip out over a freakin' scar they aren't worth my time or getting in my pants. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 3/1/2009 7:14:34 AM | One would think that...however, I cared much more about the originals after they were gone than I did when I had them.
It is very natural for people to grieve and be self-conscious about their altered body image. Many women go through a "frankenstein" phase. Mutilation is a big deal.
As for men...it's like with dogs...they smell fear.
This is an issue that breastless (and reconstructed) women are inclined to worry about when it comes to dating.
Lack of confidence. Lack of trust in our bodies (betrayed us with the cancer) and now the body is not the one we "know" and we don't have a trusted partner who went through it with us.
Even the women who are in loving long term relationships have anxiety about their bodies...and the men in their lives spend time...saying the words that are meant to (and do) comfort.
The anxiety is not connected to a light switch...not something we are able to flip on and off at will.
Any man connected to a survivor is ultimately going to have to spend some time assuring her that he finds her attractive. That's a heavy demand for a new relationship.
Fish Man says..."oh, I got the regular normal hurdles AND I've got to cope with breast cancer, too?" Yes. Because it never goes away. It is always going to be part of my story.
I find that pretty bras help. Time helps.
Whereas I am not my breasts, they are an important part of me. They signify femininity both socially and personally.
They are viewed as sexual. Post a picture of a nippled breast, and it will be censored.
It is unusual. That means that I have to take time and care to explain it to people.
This is a burden that I carry with me. It's part of my baggage. It is obvious to the naked eye...and it will have to be communicated to any man who sees me naked.
http://www.mdanderson.org/images/C03.F3b.jpg
My similar scars are a symbol of trauma. Breast cancer diagnosis and treatment was exceedingly traumatic...and it went on forever. I've spent the last three years of my life recovering and trying to rebuild my life and my body (7 surgeries).
I'm sure it would have been traumatic if it was a terrible axe accident, as well. No one would be surprised if I was traumatized by my terrible axe accident. Must have shaved my head with it after I passed out.
It is not something that I can ignore or be callous about.
I can make black jokes.
But, underneath it all, there is something very real.
I cannot show you my body without telling you about breast cancer. Like my father before me (he was a Vet), I have gotten to the place where I don't want to talk about the war anymore.
I want to forget. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 3/1/2009 8:22:26 AM |
Come one Slade!! Ya know what I meant.... lol
Ya i do....but the door was SO wide open. | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 3/1/2009 9:11:12 AM | Luv2Laugh3,
I want 2 say u have an outstanding heart!!! I want 2 commend u 4 wanting 2 b honest & bold, so that nothing is "hidden." However, I do want 2 say that this is NO ONE'S BIZNESS!!! The general public should not know something so private. However, if a dude is really digging u, then, there is a place and a time to gently tell him.
On my profile, I have stated that I have 4 beautiful children. However, I did not state that my oldest daughter who would b 5 yrs old, passed away when she was 22 months old. (Of course, I have made mention of it in, I believe, 2 posts.) When guyz chat with me, I usually will tell them. I, too, do not want 2 leave nothing hidden. However, our personal biz isn't everyone else's.
Honestly, if I were u, I WOULD NOT make mention of it, UNTIL quite sometime. In any potential relationship, u have 2 let the glue dry or it will unravel. If someone luvs u, they will luv 2 4 who U R!!! The last thing u want is some immature boyz 2 say or do hateful mean things...& some little boyz will.
I am looking 4 the ONE that stands out above the FRAY. I desire 2 find one in a million, since I am one in a million.
U R 1 IN A MILLION 2, AND I WANT U 2 FIND 1 IN A MILLION. DO NOT JUST SETTLE 4 SOMEONE WHO IS OKAY....
U DESERVE THE BEST...U HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT...U NEED A MAN WHO IS STRONG ENOUGH 2 B UR MAN...
Goodluck 2 u, C.J.!!! Congratulations on being a cancer survivor!
~Sacred78 | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 3/2/2009 9:48:06 PM | I don't think it is necessary to put this on a profile anymore than a man should put on his profile that he has ED or premature ejaculation. When the relationship is getting to the point where you expect to become intimate with someone, I would think that a conversation would have been had where you commented on the fact that you are a cancer survivor. I would think that other conversations would be held where you would also discuss your your treatment and the fact that you had a double mastectomy would have been brought up.
If you develop a relationship with a man, it is not just with his penis. The same ghoes for you. Your breast are not the only thing he is interested in. It is all of you. | |
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| Mastectomy and Dating
Posted: 3/4/2009 3:58:41 PM | Hello from the Big Apple. This is Docmpg29 signing in by saying what a wonderful,upbeat,courageous,beautiful woman you are.
From my point of view, I can only tell you that I underwent bladder and prostate surgery in Feb,2007. I had retired from federal law enforcement in Jan,2006. Six months later,there was blood in my urine. I never had a problem like this ever. Maybe it was from Agent Orange in Vietnam when I was there in 67-68. Maybe it was from the jet fumes, having worked at an airport. Who knows. I'll never know for sure.
One thing I do know. As a man,it is hard to accept the fact that I cannot be as intimate with someone as I once was. I had been with someone for a long time. While I was recuperating, she suddenly got very sick. Needed a liver transplant, and died during the surgery. I was devastated, and am still alone almost two years later.
I guess I never truly understood or maybe never realized that cancer or other serious illnesses can hit at a moments notice. How much your life changes. But, it doesn't have to. I try to tell myself this everyday. Still, it has been very very hard to connect with anyone, even without mentioning my bout with cancer.
Fortunately, I am recovering nicely,but, am very self-conscious about how to deal with the issue should I meet someone. I almost forgot, I had one date whom I told about my cancer, and she was very accepting of it. The only problem is that through a mutual friend, she knew my ex-wife, and felt uncomfortable seeing me again. Oh well, you win some and lose some.
I can only tell you that you look and sound like a beautiful person. If all we measured women by was boobs and butts, no relationship would survive. What ever happened to loyalty,loving someone for what they stand for, their heart and soul. I would have stuck with my significant other through thick and thin, and I believe she would have for me. Where is the commitment?
Sorry you don't live in the New York area. I definitely would have liked to have met you face to face,share laughter and tears. But, I am a friend who you can contact on POF anytime.
I have not posted my cancer on my profile,but, I'm sure it will be read here. I feel that telling someone face to facebefore things might get serious works for me. There are no set rules.Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you and may you be blessed everyday of your life. Keep trying. The world can't be full of only shallow,callous people can it? | |
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| Mastecomy and Dating
Posted: 3/15/2009 7:00:36 AM | It matters to you............ Whatever your health issue, it fears that person in going into a new relationship.
Yes it's the person that really matters when dating not whether they have a health issue or past medical history.
But for you your confidence will be a rollarcoaster ride of emotions, and in a new relationship, some men can't deal with that side of it rather than matter of concern.
Has it not been mentioned about reconstruction, which will give you back your confindence.
E-mail me if you like! x | |
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