drmjr
| | Joined: 2/18/2009
Msg: 26 | |
| | Post-rejection friendshipPage 2 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) |
Why you'd find it offensive that someone thought you were friendship material is beyond me. If you can't be friends with a woman because you like her too much - then it's your choice to accept such a friendship. If you don't then tell her you don't wish to and why (yeah tell her why - big deal, lose your ego). Making her out to be the bad guy because the attraction wasn't there thru no fault of hers is sort of - well sour grapes.
No, she's not the bad guy, but how do I become the bad guy by refusing the friendship? I am offended by feeling invalidated, like she's on the mountaintop and I'm in the sewer. | |
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drmjr
| | Joined: 2/18/2009
Msg: 27 | |
| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 2/26/2009 5:49:05 PM |
Using "friendship" to further your own romantic goals is wrong. She has been honest with you, you have to decide whether or not you can be just her friend, without holding out hope for romance...or if it's better for you to say goodbye all together.
Just because you have romantic intentions towards someone does not mean she must reciprocate, or feel badly about not feeling the same way.
Sorry I didn't make it clear earlier. I meant that I'm not a relationship-oriented person, but rather task-oriented. When I talked about friendship, I wasn't just talking about with crushes, but even with members of my own gender (especially when it's single guys my own age I have nothing in common with except being single - we don't have common interests, personalities clash, etc).
And no, she doesn't have to feel bad about not feeling the same way. But should I feel guilty if I don't want the friendship? | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 2/26/2009 7:14:28 PM |
No, she's not the bad guy, but how do I become the bad guy by refusing the friendship? I am offended by feeling invalidated, like she's on the mountaintop and I'm in the sewer.
Did you explain why you didn't want to accept the friendship, or did you use the tactic that you're not low enough to take it? That could explain the reaction. | |
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drmjr
| | Joined: 2/18/2009
Msg: 29 | |
| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 2/26/2009 7:32:23 PM |
Did you explain why you didn't want to accept the friendship, or did you use the tactic that you're not low enough to take it? That could explain the reaction.
My particular situations are history anyway, and my original intention was to see if others have been through what I have been through and felt what I felt. In the last situation I was in, I just decided to withdraw from the person instead of leading her on and making her think everything was OK. That was 2 years ago now. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 2/28/2009 1:31:16 PM |
Trying to be friends with a female that you desire ..... is self destructive.
I agree. The same could be said about being friends with a man you desire...also self destructive unfortunately. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 2/28/2009 3:59:15 PM | My particular situations are history anyway, and my original intention was to see if others have been through what I have been through and felt what I felt. In the last situation I was in, I just decided to withdraw from the person instead of leading her on and making her think everything was OK. That was 2 years ago now.
Fair enough. I agree that if you are interested in more and cannot get around that then friendship isn't going to work for you. I just don't think it should be a situation where you think someone isn't attracted to you on purpose or offers friendship to bust balls. They are just in a place where they don't see you in any other way, but can still like you as a person and think you are fun to hang out with.
If I like a guy and he's not into me I can actually move on from it and flip the switch because I know it's not personal to me, I know not all can do that, but I do tend to think from where I am at and forget that, so when I offer friendship it's cause I assume they can just shrug and get past it since it's not personal to them.
It's up to someone who can't do this to admit they can't and say no - and explain why. It's not that big a deal. | |
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drmjr
| | Joined: 2/18/2009
Msg: 32 | |
| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 2/28/2009 4:07:22 PM | | Just like romantic relationships must be mutual, non-romantic friendships also must be mutual, even with your own gender. If it's not mutual, but only one-sided, then it's not a friendship. It can't be a one-way street. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 3/1/2009 9:20:28 AM | I once had a crush on a hottie, she liked me as a friend only and that was totally cool with me. We used to go for lunches, dinners, see bands you name it. Even thou I did desire her I kept it to myself. She was dating and getting hurt often and I was her shoulder to cry on. After spending a weekend hanging out together she had developed new feelings for me and talked to me about seeing each other as BF & GF.
I told her that what we had was so awesome! and I'd really hate to lose that if things didnt work out romantically so I declined. (She stopped being my friend!) Just kiddin
If she is worth loving then love her in anyway you can. (my 2 centz)
Billy | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 3/4/2009 6:42:13 PM | | You need to go into self-protective mode. Tell her you might consider being friends, in the future, but you not before at least 6 months have passed. Hopefully, after 6 months, you will have moved on with your life, perhaps you'll be dating someone new, and wonder why you ever considered the idea! | |
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drmjr
| | Joined: 2/18/2009
Msg: 35 | |
| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 3/4/2009 7:30:23 PM |
You need to go into self-protective mode. Tell her you might consider being friends, in the future, but you not before at least 6 months have passed. Hopefully, after 6 months, you will have moved on with your life, perhaps you'll be dating someone new, and wonder why you ever considered the idea!
Right - I'm not saying that person and I can never, ever be friends, but it's not time to be instant friends yet. Real friendships take time. I've had people try to rush me into friendships with my own gender as well - I have never understood their impatience. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 3/6/2009 8:42:56 PM | Well, I'm new to this, but I really feel that I have to 'add my salt to that soup'.
People deal different with their feelings. I don't have a problem with being 'friendly only' online...but if I were to meet a guy in person and click way more with him than he with me, I would only torture myself being near him and not have more...
So, why torture myself? Can't help being who I am? And, no: you are not obligated to stay on as a friend...not if you have those feelings. If she cares about you, she should let you go altogether so that you can meet that lover who will be your best friend! | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 3/6/2009 10:00:04 PM | | When I ask a guy to be friends like that. It's because there is no chemistry. But your sweet and nice. And want to keep you around. It's really not a bad thing. Some times it takes time for something to grow. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 3/8/2009 2:57:12 PM | | for me i already have more friends than i have time to spend with....a fact i'm reminded of quite often....and am not on the hunt for new ones. so for me if a woman wants to be friends because i don't look good enough for her or don't have enough money or don't have a big enough****then she can go pack sand! | |
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drmjr
| | Joined: 2/18/2009
Msg: 40 | |
| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 3/8/2009 7:59:32 PM |
for me i already have more friends than i have time to spend with....a fact i'm reminded of quite often....and am not on the hunt for new ones. so for me if a woman wants to be friends because i don't look good enough for her or don't have enough money or don't have a big enough****then she can go pack sand!
Now you're talking business! Have a chair! | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/12/2009 2:08:37 PM | My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?
She doesn't.
Key word: "deserve", works both ways.
All, or nothing, love and war.
Let the river flow | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/12/2009 4:43:12 PM | | I agree with the OP. I'm going through that myself. Having a hard time reconciling the fact he doesn't want me, yet flirts with me. I hate it. It hurts and I feel stupid for still having feelings for this person. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/12/2009 8:02:54 PM |
Why not wish her well (and mean it) and go on your way. I don't think trying to be friends with her would be a good idea but ... not for your reasons.
Trying to be friends with a female that you desire ..... is self destructive
Bang on Ron.
Been there, done that and it's never been a good outcome. Mostly it's that they weren't even sincere in staying friends and we've parted ways not long after anyway. Some friends huh? | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/13/2009 7:18:41 PM | This means, for example, if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?
This thread is right on. Should be recycled often, one of the best.
Textbook wisdom 4 the ages, read it and learn o wussbag men of America.
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/13/2009 7:38:39 PM | | So..are you saying...well...how do you chose you friends anyway....if you dont have a crush on them...then they qualify....or..what does qualify your friendship....and i would imagine...rejection must really suck...for you that is... | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/13/2009 7:51:49 PM | I had a wonderful girlfriend once.
She broke up with me.
YET for a year continued to press the point home that she wanted my friendship because according to her " she never met anyone like, who had such great qualities ".
Needless to say i felt EXACTLY like the OP, not out of bitterness or anger rather from a curiosity that INDEED if i wasn't good enough to be with her, then what on earth makes me so wonderful to have as a friend?
Is it to hear about how the new boyfriend is having sex with her?
Is it because she wants to sit around a campfire and tell spooky ghost stories?
Or could it be that we'll both be wearing fluffy bunny slippers and have a slumber party with iron chastity belts on?
No not angry or bitter, but seriously after a year of me saying no to her, i caved in on christmas and said yes i would be JUST her friend.
Mind you as a platonic friend i asked to have coffee so we could start developing a sincere friendship and she FREAKED, made excuses not to have coffee, and i completely got over being friends with her seeing that she wasn't sincere, perhaps she wanted and insurance policy or closure but we never did get to have coffee and soon after i changed my number and moved on.
I have never stayed friends with ex's, it either hurts too much or it just isn't worth the effort. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/14/2009 6:40:33 AM | Tell her to get a dog.
I've read somewhere that men suffer a lot more than women after a breakup. I firmly believe in the ladder theory (www.laddertheory.com) as far as friend vs lover. All benefits accrue to the woman in a post-rejection "friendship", and there is nothing but more pain and humiliation for the man-friend.
Guys: It's a colossal destructive waste of time. And you're guaranteed to feel like a stupid fool afterward.
Once it's over, it's over. Don't ever go back to the same restaurant that tried to poison you. | |
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leos56
| | Joined: 11/5/2009
Msg: 48 | |
| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/18/2009 7:45:38 PM | | Same thing happened to me. Meat another guy but lied for 2 weeks about it. If i hadnt asked her she would of never told. Said she didnt want to hurt me but knew if i didnt work out with other guy would lie to me and suck me in again. |Said she still wanted to be freinds but told her to take a hike. If you are this cruel and heartless and dishonest dont want anything to do with you. Remember what comes around goes around. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/18/2009 11:12:05 PM | Has anyone besides me ever had trouble with post-rejection "friendship"? This means, for example, if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?
Your stance is pretty selfish, in my opinion. Nobody can control how they feel towards someone. If she doesn't like you in the same way you like her, you should respect it, really. If the reason that you don't want to be her friend is because she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, then you were never a friend to begin with.
Actually, I was quite surprised. Your picture wasn't taken with the best camera, and I was estimating your age to be in the 20's but then I saw your age when I clicked on your profile. I guess some people keep their immaturity longer than others.
Personally, when it comes to my case, the only people who I no longer have contact with after asking out are those who have contact by their choice, for whatever reason suits them, but I have never held it against any girl, if she didn't feel the same way about me that I have about her. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 11/20/2009 6:25:09 PM | I have been close friends for years with men only to have them disappear for good
when they fall in love with a woman long term.
I now know that a man will not really be my "friend" if there is a love interest
in his life. I suppose the same could be said for me, that I will not have time
for male friends if I spend all my time with a boyfriend. | |
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