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| | Post-rejection friendshipPage 4 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) |
But if I get rejected by somebody, the last thing I want to hear from them is about their "new man", so why sign up for that torture? Hence the reason I wouldn't want to date a man in the first place if I couldn't think of him as a good friend otherwise.
If someone is your good friend, you genuinely want them to be happy, even if it's not with you. Sure, it stings for a while, but you learn to adapt and appreciate. You realize it's not a personal slight or insult, it's just the way it goes.
If a man and I can make each other laugh just by facial expressions and inside jokes, well .. we're pals for life, and that makes dating far more exciting in my book. If dating doesn't work out, we revert to friendship after a short time of healing and distance.
But then, that's just me. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/19/2009 5:26:21 PM | Has anyone besides me ever had trouble with post-rejection "friendship"? This means, for example, if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?
Your stance is in the wrong mindset.
It's not about who deserves what, it's about the fact that she has no attraction to you (which no one is to blame for) but likes you as a person. It's not an insult that someone enjoys you as a person if they don't want to sleep with you. I can personally stay friends with a guy who's not interested in me in the same way I am him - some people CAN do that and get past it.
If you can't be friends with someone you have interest in, then tell her exactly that. You can't stay friends with her as you will always want more...so you will have to decline her offer. She's not asking you to be her friend to hurt you on purpose, she either thinks you are adult enough to be able to handle it (or be straight about it if you can't), or she means "friendship" as "non romantically oriented". | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/21/2009 9:03:04 PM |
"Hence the reason I wouldn't want to date a man in the first place if I couldn't think of him as a good friend otherwise."
That's why for some men, this stuff is a catch-22. IMHO, there's nothing better than to have a friendship blossom into something romantic, because you already have a foundation. But that's also why rejection from somebody who already knows and LIKES you stings that much more than a blind date, or a stranger in the club. Your friend has already seen you at your best, and knows all you have to offer.
"If someone is your good friend, you genuinely want them to be happy, even if it's not with you. Sure, it stings for a while, but you learn to adapt and appreciate. You realize it's not a personal slight or insult, it's just the way it goes. "
I certainly want all my friends to be happy, but I disagree with you when you say it's not "personal". Of course it's personal. There's nothing more personal than trying to start a romantic relationship with somebody. Yeah, be mature in handling rejection because it's not the end of the world, but we actually agree on the "distance and healing" stuff. I just think KEEPING one's distance is the healthiest way to go.
But, again...that's not even what the OP was talking about. She was talking about why 25 strange men she met on the internet didn't want to be "friends" after she rejected them.
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/21/2009 10:05:28 PM | There is no right or wrong answer accept what makes you feel comfort and peace. Look we all know you are a grown up who would like to be her friend. But you have pain in your heart. It is very difficult and maybe impossible, and certainly not fair to your soul, to try to be friends with someone you are deeply in love with. If you can do this then...maybe it wasn't love. However, love is a two way street and you really cannot be in love, deep meaningful, shared love unless both people participate. Otherwise, it is something less. Not to say it is meaningless, or does not hurt, it just cannot be allowed to continue. Once you know the other person does not feel the same way you have to make a very personal decision about continuing to see that person.
Do what is right for your sanity.
Hope this helps you
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:21:32 AM |
Hence the reason I wouldn't want to date a man in the first place if I couldn't think of him as a good friend otherwise.
If someone is your good friend, you genuinely want them to be happy, even if it's not with you. Sure, it stings for a while, but you learn to adapt and appreciate. You realize it's not a personal slight or insult, it's just the way it goes.
I'd like for all my friends to be happy. It's just that I'd rather not hear about her dates when down deep I want to be that guy. The "Friendship" usually is offered as a consolation prize of sorts.
Someone brought this up in a similar thread in the "Dating Experiences" forum, that it's not best to try to seek friends from the same pool you look for dates in. Are there exceptions to the rule? Certainly, but most times the "let's just be friends" comment is a nice way of saying "I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole, you mutant tree frog you". | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:41:17 AM |
I'd like for all my friends to be happy. It's just that I'd rather not hear about her dates when down deep I want to be that guy. The "Friendship" usually is viewed by the guy it's being offered to as a consolation prize of sorts.
There, I fixed it. How you feel about the offer isn't necessarily the purpose of the offer. At least be honest about it. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 8:06:31 AM |
There, I fixed it. How you feel about the offer isn't necessarily the purpose of the offer. At least be honest about it.
Fair enough, I can concede to that. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 8:20:25 AM | I can't speak for anyone else, but personally, I don't consider any of my friends 'wimpy' or 'insignificant'... They all add value to my life, and are very important to me. There are many of my friends I would have no interest in dating, and many of those people would also have no interest in dating me, because there are too many incompatibilities that would cause conflict in an intimate relationship, but have little or no impact on a friendship.
I think the problem lies in the way you choose to percieve the lack of interest in a dating relationship. Who says it's a matter of not being 'good enough' or 'deserving enough'? Why choose to look at it that way? No matter how fabulous that square peg is, it's still not going to fit comfortably into that round hole....
If someone thinks enough of you to offer you their friendship, why not appreciate that? Friends add so many different facets into our lives.
True story... I have a neighbor who I have been friends with for years. When my ex and I split, he really wanted to date, but I knew he wasn't for me, so we continued our friendship, albeit slightly strained from time to time. Over the course of a year or so, we did lots of things together as friends, often including other friends in the mix... As it happened, I fell completely in love with someone this friend had introduced me to, and became engaged last month... He, meanwhile developed a relationship with another of my friends, who I had introduced him to... he just asked me a few days ago if I would go ring shopping with him, so he could pick out an engagement ring for her, as he's simply crazy for her, and plans to propose after the holidays... You just never know what those freindships could end up bringing into your life.... | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 8:38:09 AM |
If someone thinks enough of you to offer you their friendship, why not appreciate that? Friends add so many different facets into our lives.
I'm sure there are those who when they say they want to be friends, they actually mean it and not using it as a way of rejecting someone as a possible romantic interest. Though most times it's used in that fashion and not genuinely.
Also, just because you're offering up that friendship, doesn't mean it has to be accepted. Just as you've got the right to refuse him as a romantic interest, he's got the same right to refuse your friendship.
It doesn't make you bad for offering it up, nor does it make him bad for refusing it. I just feel it'd be easier if it was your goal to be friends from the start and not because you didn't find him attractive, etc. Just my $0.02. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 11:35:39 AM |
I disagree with you when you say it's not "personal". Of course it's personal. I should clarify my emphasis is on the word "slight", not "personal". Obviously it's personal, but I mean it's not necessarily intended to insult: it's just a matter of chemistry/attraction or the lack of it. That's not a controllable thing, so the unreciprocal interest is not meant as a "personal slight" as if to say it was a deliberate put-down.
Maintaining distance is up to the individual, of course, who can't shift gears and consider that the person he likes so much is someone he could still know, even if not romantically.
Taking it as a snub is a mistake, I believe.
But, again...that's not even what the OP was talking about. She was talking about why 25 strange men she met on the internet didn't want to be "friends" after she rejected them. It still comes down to this: many people assume a lack of chemistry is somehow a 'decision', and the disappointed one has to reject back the only way they have left ~ "I don't think you're worth my friendship". | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 11:49:01 AM | An addition point that comes to mind is this:
if I've met a man who in many respects could be very special to me, but that presently I'm not ready to take it beyond friends, say I tell him this and he takes it as an insult.
Does he not realize that I'm saying "I would like to see you, but I'm just not at the same place romantically, tho' I want to see where this can go." .. he thinks I'm lying, putting him down, etc .. when what I'm saying is "can we just get to know each other better first?"
.. OR he believes I'm just after free meals and presents.
THAT, to me, is an INSULT. He doesn't know me: he's just concluding (to soothe his ego) that I'm a user and a tease. This has happened and it forever perplexes me.
If he rejects me for wanting a friendship right away, it makes me think he's in a hurry to have sex, because he says 'no' to building a strong familiar foundation first.
It feels to me like he refuses to trust the situation to turn out well, and so he bails.
It's a risk both ways!
I mentioned in an earlier comment that if it's a case where I'm honestly not interested in a romance, but I like him as a person otherwise, it baffles me that he thinks I'm insulting him.
I would never even suggest being friends with anyone I didn't like, so I'm left shaking my head and being somewhat grateful I learned he's not able to meet me on that level. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 12:10:56 PM |
I mentioned in an earlier comment that if it's a case where I'm honestly not interested in a romance, but I like him as a person otherwise, it baffles me that he thinks I'm insulting him.
I would never even suggest being friends with anyone I didn't like, so I'm left shaking my head and being somewhat grateful I learned he's not able to meet me on that level.
I understand and you sound like you genuinely mean that, however that's not always the case when the person says "let's just be friends" as a response to a guy taking an interest in you. It's usually a way of letting down the person gently and rejecting them without being overt about it.
To me it's not about sex, it's just that I'm looking for a relationship and if you say no to that I have to respect that, but in turn you have to respect my choice as well.
Also, would you prefer a guy say yes to that offer when he didn't mean it? I've heard many women talk about guys who say they want to be friends only in the hopes of "she'll come around and see I'm right for her".
It's not that he can't do that, it's just from his perspective, why should he? Suppose he already has more than his lion's share of platonic friends, and is looking for something more. I'd say I'm like that myself, I've got enough in my circle of friends and I'm looking for something more.
If all your seeking is just friendship, it'd be easier to state that outright so there's no miscommunication. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 12:18:24 PM | ^^^Can't a man just say that they can't remain friends when they have romantic interest because it's difficult to switch gears or watch someone they are into date other people? It's better than claiming she doesn't "deserve" your friendship, or that she's trying to make you take second place in an invisible contest she's not conducting. Sounds defensive...people who aren't attracted to us don't plan it that way, nor do we plan to be unattractive to everyone we encounter.
Since no one's at fault, why pout or become defensive about it? It's slightly personal, but it ain't THAT big a deal. People are unmatched for romance a million times a day.
ProdigalSon I wasn't addressing you personally with the whole post, I was asking the men (and whatever women have gone through that's similar) in general. | |
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Posted: 12/22/2009 12:21:36 PM | Sure they can say that, hell I did when I was given that chance a short while ago. I'd rather not put her or myself under false pretenses.
Who's pouting or getting defensive? You mean me? There's no feelings of malice or hatred, just that I know what I want.
You're quite right, no one is at fault, don't recall saying anyone was. Hell it might even be 2 million times a day,lol.
I'm just partaking in the discussion. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 12:38:25 PM | I was friends with a guy once for four years and never told him how I felt about him.
I was talked into revealing my feelings for him... and unfortunately it turned into a total disaster. We had three serious fights in three weeks. He blamed me for everthing.
What's really sad is, we had a lot of the same friends, and SUDDENLY, here he was having NOTHING to do with me whatsover... after years of having all kinds of kind, loving, supportive things to say about me, around them.
So now, I no longer had the good friend whom I loved so much... and I don't have even basic friendship with him anymore either. I tell ya what, **THAT** did ** HURT**.
If he was able to be a friend for so long, and I was just fine as such... then why am I now a person he won't have anything to do with, on any level. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 12:45:15 PM |
I was talked into revealing my feelings for him... and unfortunately it turned into a total disaster. We had three serious fights in three weeks. He blamed me for everthing.
Sorry to hear that, but are you sure there wasn't more to it than that? I mean, sounds like a quite drastic change. Did he have a bad temper?
I ask that because getting into fights all the time and blaming you for everything sounds like it was issues he had under the surface, which had nothing to do with the friendship, at least I think so. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 12:55:58 PM | ProdigalSon81;
I'm totally in agreement with you.
My point is, very simply, when someone isn't attracted, to not take it as an insult when friendship is offered: whether or not it's sincere, it's still a nicer way to go about refusing a relationship.
It's not a matter of being insulted, that's all I'm trying to say.
It doesn't mean anyone should obligate themselves at all. Nobody should act against their own truth.
I just noticed so many people taking 'friend' as a put-down, and I was stating another angle. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/22/2009 9:05:10 PM |
My point is, very simply, when someone isn't attracted, to not take it as an insult when friendship is offered: whether or not it's sincere, it's still a nicer way to go about refusing a relationship.
I agree with you, Key. It is a "nicer" way to go about it, and when it's sincere, it's certainly not a 'bad" thing. But just like ProdigalSon81 is saying, if you're a normal guy who's been even half-way social and interested in women, you're probably heard the "LJBF"(Let's Just Be Friends) line since you've hit puberty...and certainly enough times where it became a cliche. I'm sure there are PLENTY of threads on POF about LJBF, and Friendzones, and such if you don't believe me. It becomes a boiler-plate line used for rejection whether she considers that man unattractive, unsavory, unsuitable, downright ugly or just not her type.
Since most women never give a real reason for the rejection (and they're not obligated to, IMHO), the guy is left clueless as to why, and the assumptions begin, especially if there's a social circle where people run into each other alot. The good thing about women friends as a guy is that you get to hear the REAL reasons for many of their rejections as a third party observer, and trust me...I understand the need for euphemisms and cliches. Many Male Egos would be devastated if women really told what they found unappealing about them.
The problem I have, Key is not that I take "friend" as a put down. It's that the word "friend" becomes devalued. There are MALE acquaintences that I've known for years that I wouldn't consider "friends." I have alumni, ex-classmates/teammates, co-workers, clients, customers etc. that I wouldn't consider "friends." I know them and can carry a polite, civil conversation with them, but that's not my definition of friendship.
I have a few great female friends for life, whom I love and cherish. We act as "life cheerleaders" for each other, and can sound off to each other on a variety of things. There's absolutely nothing we can't talk about. We're totally relaxed around one another, with no competition or pretention. We hang out like cousins.
We've met each other's families, and I showed enough respect to their husbands and boyfriends, to the point where there's an open couch or guest bed for me whenever I'm in the area. It's safe, comfortable, affectionate and positive, but NONE of these friendships blossomed out of a rejection-line.
Do I find these women attractive? Absolutely. No honest, heterosexual man is going say he never thinks about sex when he sees an attractive woman.
But I think when you get to know somebody long enough, you begin to see past the superficial and to know her as a person. Then it doesn't matter. They're great people, I have love for them, and they love me back.
One might argue, "Why can't you get to know a person who rejects you like that?"
I'm not saying it's impossible, but I AM saying that takes an investment of time (I've known my women friends for 20+ years) and emotion to be in situations that will probably be awkward at best, for something that you didn't set your heart on becoming.
In other words, I'm perfectly fine being just acquainted with women who have rejected me in the past. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/23/2009 10:01:01 AM | "Sorry to hear that, but are you sure there wasn't more to it than that? I mean, sounds like a quite drastic change. Did he have a bad temper?
I ask that because getting into fights all the time and blaming you for everything sounds like it was issues he had under the surface, which had nothing to do with the friendship, at least I think so. "
Good question! I had thought something more was wrong, but I couldn't get him to talk to me about it. He just totally closed down on me. He did have MS for the last year, so I don't know if it just made him more emotional, or what. I think he was worried about impotence and pleasing me. Tried to reassure him, but he seemed very focused on the sex issue. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/24/2009 9:24:32 AM | I don't care after a breakup if the guy gets a new girlfriend, I expect that to happen.
Also, since the men know that there is no chance for sex or a relationship
they are no longer on their best behavior. They seem to transform from
sweet wonderful men into callous uncaring jerks since there is nothing
in it for them except friendship and no hope for more.
Making me extra glad that it's over with them.
If one ever kept being a sweet wonderful person after a breakup I would
perhaps think I made a mistake by breaking up but that hasn't happened. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/24/2009 3:25:22 PM |
Also, since the men know that there is no chance for sex or a relationship
they are no longer on their best behavior. They seem to transform from
sweet wonderful men into callous uncaring jerks since there is nothing
in it for them except friendship and no hope for more.
Making me extra glad that it's over with them.
I'm sure there are some who are like this, however with most cases not everyone is like that.
They could very well be acting like that for different reasons, perhaps they have other factors at play than just him not getting sex from you anymore. Perhaps the break up wasn't amicable. Maybe he's just a temperamental person.
If the break up was on good terms, I don't mind being acquaintances but all buddy-buddy and hanging out and stuff, I don't think so. Seems too awkward to me. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/25/2009 6:53:33 PM | Hi amboyance,
No, these guys aren't guys that I have rejected. At least, I don't know that I have. I don't pretend to have a romantic interest if I don't. Besides, I genuinely like most people. Guys are great as friends. I can relate to it feeling easier to be friends with men if they are already attached, but then there is sometimes the flip-side that their significant other could potentially misread a genuine friendship. I usually am respectful of that and don't have that problem. Possibly, because my friends know that I rarely date,. lol However, if I am in a relationship, it just happens naturally and I really don't talk much about it even with my girlfriends. Why would they care unless I was with someone who really treated me badly. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 12/25/2009 11:18:34 PM | You teach people how to treat you. If you dont want to be pining away from the "friendzone" as she is getting porked by other guys.. dont.
Besides.. do you really think ANY woman will want to become your new sexual/love interest while YOU are still crying over the one that got away? Man up dude. DTB the old one and free yourself from your self-imposed misery. Save your friendship energy and time for your buddies. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 7/5/2010 9:14:46 AM | Terilyn59:
"No, these guys aren't guys that I have rejected."
Then I completely understand how it works well for you.
" I can relate to it feeling easier to be friends with men if they are already attached, but then there is sometimes the flip-side that their significant other could potentially misread a genuine friendship. I usually am respectful of that and don't have that problem."
We're on the same page. For me, the qualities that I like and admire in my close friends are the same as the ones I look for in a relationship. The difference is attraction. That's why it's easier for me to be friends with women I find attractive when they're already attached because there's no "what if" factor. If you're respectful and have a set of morals on you, you'll never have an issue with it. The relationship can always remain positive and life-affirming as long as you want it to be.
It's a totally different thing when you're rejected by a woman, IMHO, because it's based upon a NEGATIVE. For whatever reason, she is NOT into you that way. Doesn't really matter the reason. Romantic relationships are goal-oriented for the most part, and you didn't acheive the goal you set out for.
What I still don't understand, and haven't heard an HONEST answer from women about, is WHY you'd want to be close friends with a man you've rejected? I mean, if the guy was quiet, shy or kept his mouth shut about his attraction, then it's on him, but what do you get out of, besides ego-stroke, hanging around pining, rejected guys? | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 7/5/2010 10:08:52 AM | ^^^With me (if I offer friendship that is) it's that everything but attraction is there. I get along with the guy or share his sense of humor or we have a common interest - I just don't find him physically attractive for the most part. To me that's not a black and white thing.
However if a guy is unable to be friends with me because he is attracted and can't get around that then I also understand. I can stay friends with a guy who's not mutually attracted to me, but I'm wired differently I guess so that's fine. The only thing that irks me is a guy who either accepts friendship with a motive of future involvement or takes a tantrum over the offer as if I were asking for him to remove a limb.
Saying straight out to a woman that you'd rather not stay friends her because it's upsetting with the ongoing attraction isn't the end of the world. Don't look at it like she's doing it to get one over on you or get anything from you because you didn't end up dating her. It's kind of immature. Just respectfully decline the offer. | |
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