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| | Post-rejection friendshipPage 5 of 6 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) | | WIP, I agree with your post--as usual. I typically meet based on common interests. So there is a friend/activity-partner aspect at the start. After a bit of time 'hanging out', because I'm later corrected that no 'dating' occurred; I will then realize I've been walled into the friend zone. Then I basically have to have it end, on good terms...but can't be near her. First, I don't want to hear about some other dude. And also, we may have had similar interests and seemed like we were great friends/activity partners; but the activity had been changed. What I mean is, when there is a woman interested in a similar activity and I have 'future hope' interest....I will tame down the activity, but actually have more fun. If there is no 'future hope', then I don't choose women as friends. Most of my activities/hobbies are outdoors related, and I have not met a woman that can partake on the same level--so I am forced to 'cut them loose'. Example is I can have more fun going on a 5 mile hike with a potential gf than a 30 mile hike with friends; but I would prefer a 30 mile, fast hike with trail running over a 5 mile leisurely hike with a female friend. It's a cost benefit analysis. So I know it must seem like I'm guilty of what you mention at the end, but really it's not the case. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 7/5/2010 8:31:34 PM | WIP writes:
"With me (if I offer friendship that is) it's that everything but attraction is there. I get along with the guy or share his sense of humor or we have a common interest - I just don't find him physically attractive for the most part. "
Now that's an honest answer, and is probably what many women really think about the men they let down easy. It's also the reason, IMHO, most men don't want to hear the REAL reason why you're rejecting them. They might guess, assume or catch a clue...but again, most women never straight up tell them, and depending on what kind of guy he is...with good reason. Safety is concern in some situations.
Moreover, I'd also wager that if a woman wants to keep a guy she rejects romantically as a friend, she's gonna use a few euphemisms like "no chemistry", or "you're just not my type". I don't know of too many men, (or women) for that matter could take a hot cup of "I just don't find you physically attractive" and hop straight into best-buddy BFF land. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 7/21/2010 2:11:31 AM | Post break up friendship can only really work on one side. The side that does the break up, in my opinion. I've seen this with my friends, and they only get upset with the ex starts seeing other people.
I have seen one couple get back together, but it wasnt easy at the start. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/28/2010 6:08:04 AM |
Has anyone besides me ever had trouble with post-rejection "friendship"? This means, for example, if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?
YEP fully agree :) | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/28/2010 9:19:59 AM |
Post break up friendship can only really work on one side. The side that does the break up, in my opinion. I've seen this with my friends, and they only get upset with the ex starts seeing other people.
I have seen one couple get back together, but it wasnt easy at the start.
I thought this was about initial rejection, not someone you used to date. If it's someone you don't know, I don't see how it would bother you who they date. It's not like you have a history to get past. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/28/2010 1:46:44 PM |
Has anyone besides me ever had trouble with post-rejection "friendship"? This means, for example, if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?
If the whole friendship idea does not appeal to you, forgettabowit! It's really the simple. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 2:30:46 AM | I'll probably get slammed for this, but I think that many times a woman's friendships are more cherished and deeper than many men's friendships. It's not meant to be a negative thing to be asked to be a woman's friend. It's really actually quite a compliment that she wants you in her life. For example, if I am a close friend of another woman, that means a LOT to me, and that friendship is nurtured and maintained by both sides even if or when that woman gets married. I think it's much more difficult to maintain a close friendship with a man when he gets married. I think some men even have trouble maintaining their guy friendships when they are married. So it's even harder if you are a single woman and your guy friend is married. In general, friendships mean a lot to most women. It's not about deserving to be a boyfriend. Two people are either a match or not, and that romantic match is an extremely rare thing (and you only get to have one). I can understand if someone has difficulty putting their romantic feelings aside for someone, and that's a perfectly valid reason to stay away. But it makes just as much sense to me that someone I like enough to consider being a boyfriend is likely to be someone I like enough to want to be in my life, and for me to have a friendship with, especially if I don't have those troublesome romantic feelings in the way. When I'm on the other side, and have those feelings, the friendship to me is worth putting some effort into putting those feelings aside. I could still be crushing on someone, and reach a level of acceptance that allows me to have a meaningful platonic friendship with them.
I'm going through something right now - I am more hurt by the fact that my ex is not ready to be friends (yet). I miss his company, and admit I would probably still have romantic feelings for him if we spent time together, but to me, I'm willing to put up with that. Of course him deciding that I wasn't the right match for him did hurt, but I find it more rejecting that he doesn't even want me in his life as a friend. I would much rather be asked to be his friend, than to be purposely avoided, even though I was the rejected one, and I still desire him. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 7:26:48 AM |
I can understand if someone has difficulty putting their romantic feelings aside for someone, and that's a perfectly valid reason to stay away. But it makes just as much sense to me that someone I like enough to consider being a boyfriend is likely to be someone I like enough to want to be in my life, and for me to have a friendship with, especially if I don't have those troublesome romantic feelings in the way. When I'm on the other side, and have those feelings, the friendship to me is worth putting some effort into putting those feelings aside. I could still be crushing on someone, and reach a level of acceptance that allows me to have a meaningful platonic friendship with them.
That's really it, DG - how important friendship is to the respective party. Sometimes friendship is a better offer, but I guess some will never see it that way. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 10:07:10 AM |
if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?
I dunno if i'd use the word "deserve"... makes it sound like she'd be doing you a favor to date you.
But i do agree about getting out of dodge if she isn't interested. It would just seem too weird hanging around after rejection like as if you're holding onto a chance in disguise of "friendship".
...or you can word it like this : "If we wanted friendship I'd purposely & specifically go look for "friendship". Not accept it as a consolation 4th place prize"
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 10:49:39 AM |
"It's not meant to be a negative thing to be asked to be a woman's friend. It's really actually quite a compliment that she wants you in her life. "
Yes and no. As I've written in another thread, for a man in this situation, he has to build a positive relationship (friendship) out of a negative foundation (rejection.)
Whereas, it's easier for a woman to appreciate a man asking her out because it's a flattery commentary on her attractiveness, whether she accepts the offer or not.
"It's not about deserving to be a boyfriend. Two people are either a match or not, and that romantic match is an extremely rare thing (and you only get to have one). "
Maybe as you get older, and more set in what you're looking for. When you're younger? I can't imagine the sex and dating going on in high school, college and throughout my twenties being described as an "extremely rare thing." People were hooking up left and right, save for the fundamentalist religious folks. Now, that wasn't EVERYBODY, of course, and I'll accept that people have different concepts and values on dating, relationships and sex, but if you look any of the "How many sexual partners?" threads on this site, you may have a second thought or two on this one.
"When I'm on the other side, and have those feelings, the friendship to me is worth putting some effort into putting those feelings aside. I could still be crushing on someone, and reach a level of acceptance that allows me to have a meaningful platonic friendship with them. "
I'm with WIP on this one. "Meaningful" is the key word. What does "meaningful" mean to you, and do you REALLY want to hang out with a guy you're crushing on, while he's with somebody else, or having to explain to a guy YOU'RE with that you want to hang out with a guy your still crushing on?
I don't know about all of that.
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 12:02:33 PM |
and do you REALLY want to hang out with a guy you're crushing on, while he's with somebody else, or having to explain to a guy YOU'RE with that you want to hang out with a guy your still crushing on?
I don't know about all of that.
See, I agree with this. I don't see the point of entering a friendship that revolves around punishing yourself on top of being rejected.. then having the person that rejected you have their new mate question you and lay the foundation to a whole new rejection to add to the first rejection. it's a triple curse.
Some people just need to know when to bow out and not accept the friendship either. It doesn't make you a bad person... it makes you wise to the headaches that lay ahead when you stick around.
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 1:46:06 PM | At this point in my life, I pretty much have the friends I need as far as real life, if I meet new ones great, but if I find myself attracted to a woman and the feeling are not reciprocated, then I just move on down the road. No harm, no foul. Just as she realy owes me nothing as far as a reason, I have no commitment to hang around. I see no reason to hate on her, if paths cross, always cordial, but all the I love you like a brother crap is for some other sap.
It sems like the general concesus is, alot of women want the rejected to stay in there life in some demeanial capacity. For no other reason than to bath in their admiration from time to time. All this crap that it is an honor for the woman to want the guy in her life because she values the "Friendship" oh so much, even more so than a relationship, as posted above, is bull as well. I would think in a true relationship, you would be best friends. Duh.
It is a solid conviction of mine, let the guy getting the goodies be her BFF. Let him fill the voids in time when her SO doesn't want to be with her, listen to the sob stories, fix her car, house, etc.
Not to say I have no female friends, well I would say more aquiantances, becaused the are not people I would call up to hang with, but rather bump into from time to time.
I have read a lot of profiles that say they have a lot of male friends, what they really have are a lot of guys waiting for their shot. Another reason why any man worth his weight in salt will not want to hang around, he knows what's up, even if she is oblivious to the fact. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 1:59:24 PM | I'm with WIP on this one. "Meaningful" is the key word. What does "meaningful" mean to you, and do you REALLY want to hang out with a guy you're crushing on, while he's with somebody else, or having to explain to a guy YOU'RE with that you want to hang out with a guy your still crushing on?
I don't know why you're with me on this since it's not what my point was. I'd stay friends with a guy who wasn't interested in me - there's a time after an actual relationship where staying friends isn't the best especially for the person who got broken up with, but once you're past that there's no reason you can't shelve all that and maintain a friendship with someone who you care about, admire, respect and get along with otherwise.
But we're talking about an offer of friendship after expressing interest in a person you've not dated and have no history with. In that case I can easily get past attraction and retain friendship if someone makes a good friend, that is. It's easy enough to shift focus. Someone who's not into me isn't my type anyway, so there's no downside or loss to that. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 2:21:53 PM |
"I don't know why you're with me on this since it's not what my point was. I'd stay friends with a guy who wasn't interested in me - there's a time after an actual relationship where staying friends isn't the best especially for the person who got broken up with, but once you're past that there's no reason you can't shelve all that and maintain a friendship with someone who you care about, admire, respect and get along with otherwise.
But we're talking about an offer of friendship after expressing interest in a person you've not dated and have no history with. In that case I can easily get past attraction and retain friendship if someone makes a good friend, that is. It's easy enough to shift focus. Someone who's not into me isn't my type anyway, so there's no downside or loss to that."
That's my point, WIP. What IS a "good friend" to somebody? I think people are walking around with different definitions of friendship. I don't know what it is about some of the posters here, but some folks seem to view actual friendships like "Facebook in 3D" or something.
There's a limit to how many TRUE friends you can have, because there's only so much time available to devote to them. Acquaintances? No problem. Congenial co-workers, classmates, neighbors, gym partners, etc? All good. TRUE friends? I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that even you maintain a TRUE friendship with every guy who's ever hit on you, even if you "care about, admire, respect and get along with him otherwise."
The kicker line for me in your post however...
"Someone who's not into me isn't my type anyway, so there's no downside or loss to that."
Could you explain that one to me a little further? | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 2:33:23 PM |
That's my point, WIP. What IS a "good friend" to somebody? I think people are walking around with different definitions of friendship. I don't know what it is about some of the posters here, but some folks seem to view actual friendships like "Facebook in 3D" or something.
There's a limit to how many TRUE friends you can have, because there's only so much time available to devote to them. Acquaintances? No problem. Congenial co-workers, classmates, neighbors, gym partners, etc? All good. TRUE friends?
Maybe not true friends in the sense of you'll know for 40 years, but people who are interesting and worth knowing beyond your romantic attraction.
I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that even you maintain a TRUE friendship with every guy who's ever hit on you, even if you "care about, admire, respect and get along with him otherwise."
Actually I was talking about a guy I was interested in offering ME friendship, and saying that if he was someone I considered worth being friends with, that would be more important than him not being mutually attracted. HOWEVER, if I was getting to know a guy that I decided I wasn't THAT into or didn't want to date seriously - I have offered friendship based on us hanging out together and getting along great or having fun hanging out. He's of course free to decline that offer, just as I would decline a friendship offered to me if I felt I didn't want to accept.
The kicker line for me in your post however...
That means that if I have interest in a guy and discover it's not mutual then it's a wash because a requirement for me to date someone is mutual attraction. I can't consider a guy who's not into me, so there's no loss or reason to hang onto that. Therefore if he offers friendship I can switch gears, see him as just a friend and look elsewhere without a lot of drama because he's not attracted to me. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 4:40:28 PM |
Has anyone besides me ever had trouble with post-rejection "friendship"? This means, for example, if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?
Depends how long you went out with someone, what the relationship was like and why you broke up. I'm still friends with my ex. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 8/29/2010 7:00:42 PM | | Just because someone doesn't want to be with you don't make them a bad person. Either you have feelings of friendship for her or not. It's a person by person thing and you usually need some time to go by after the rejection. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 11:06:56 AM | | If you're not getting a piece, you're basically a member of her fan club. This territory is reserved for morons and herbs. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 11:47:53 AM | | So any woman that does not end up as your gf is not worthy of being your friend? If you dated someone and broke up and now they want to relegate you to the category of friend that is one thing but, to say that any woman that does not deem you worthy of dating is not deemd worthy of filling any other role in your life is a bit of the wall wouldn't you say? | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 12:02:56 PM |
So any woman that does not end up as your gf is not worthy of being your friend? If you dated someone and broke up and now they want to relegate you to the category of friend that is one thing but, to say that any woman that does not deem you worthy of dating is not deemd worthy of filling any other role in your life is a bit of the wall wouldn't you say? Because what man doesn't enjoy being friends with a woman who deems him 'not worthy' of dating? 'hello my lady...thou which has deemed me most unfit for romance....how can I be of service to you today my lady?' *nuts = missing* | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 4:33:22 PM |
So any woman that does not end up as your gf is not worthy of being your friend?
More like "if a man wanted friendship from that woman, he would ask specifically for friendship"
If a man wanted more and she says no... why the hell accept friendship if thats not what he came here for?
Thats like ordering pizza and having the pizza delivery person show up to your door with no pizza and say "...but i DO have some awesome breathmints with me.. it's just as good. doesn't everyone love breathmints?"
we didn't order breathmints!
*slams door*
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 7:01:14 PM | So, there is no woman on this planet you would hang out with just as a friend because all women fall into three categories, the ones you ask out and they say yes who are thn seen as your gf'who you won't be friends with if you break up (which I get) , those you ask out who say no to you who are now and forever after off the potential friends list because they did not have the good sense to deem you worthy of dating, and any woman that you might want to ask out because you have a romantic interest in them that you THINK might not want to go out with you, because if she does not seem interested in you as a bf then she must just want to use you?
You do realize what you are you implying here right? That the only women you have any use for are those that will date you, and by date you what I mean and what you probably mean is f**k you because I doubt you want to be friends with women that go out with you and don't end up in bed with you because those women just used you too.
I might be reading this wrong but, if I am reading it right I don't think being friends with women is going to be much of an issue anyway. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 7:04:41 PM |
Thats like ordering pizza and having the pizza delivery person show up to your door with no pizza and say "...but i DO have some awesome breathmints with me.. it's just as good. doesn't everyone love breathmints?"
we didn't order breathmints!
This is why making your own pizza instead of trying to get it somewhere else avoids any issues. You can eat it when you want, you don't have to share, and you know what you're getting. | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 10:02:43 PM | This whole issue was resolved in the following clip from "When Harry Met Sally"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFWGOKuFyjk | |
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| Post-rejection friendship
Posted: 9/21/2010 10:18:39 PM |
Has anyone besides me ever had trouble with post-rejection "friendship"? This means, for example, if you're a guy and you have a crush on a woman, then she starts dating someone else, but still wants your friendship. My stance is if I don't deserve to be her boyfriend, then why does she deserve to be my friend?
"Just friends" is usually code speak for "When I get into my next relationship, you're going to be the person I go to when I vent my frustrations" or "I think I can keep you around, have you make me feel good; but I can give you less.". Either prospect isn't very nice.
The only exception is when the breakup is due to an external complication, like a move someone had to do to follow a particular career choice. Things like that happen sometimes, and not being friends after that can be a little... harsh. | |
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