| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/2/2009 8:29:40 AM | The hardest part for me to reconcile after a 17 year marriage ended was that there would always be some things that I would never understand. When I finally accepted that I wouldn't have all the answers, then I moved on easier. Of course, going to college taking a plethora of psych classes helped me learn and heal also. I guess everyone don't have that opportunity, but that was my vice. Some drown their sorrows in booze/drugs, bouncing from relationship to relationship, I buried myself in a text book and didn't come out until I was better and edcuated. So it was two-fold for me.
One program that helped me more than anything was a 10-12 weekly meeting called Divorce Care. Meetings are usually held in churches. They aren't facilitated by the churches but churches allow them to hold meetings there. it's an opportunity to meet with others going through the same things you are and helps you learn how to deal with the grieving process. I believe the website is www.divorcecare.com. Those helped me immensly.
Good Luck | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/2/2009 2:02:02 PM | Dear Op,
My heart goes out to you brother man. I was married for nearly 4 years and we were together 6 and a half. We have a wonderful son. I've spent my time building a positive support group. I spent a lot of time in my grief inspite of having some really good people around me. One things I know is that my Son loves me very much and I spend as much time as I can with him.
It is a complete rebuild of your life and what you worked hard for. Realize that it was really for the kids, and you still have a lot to look forward to with them. I found the church was indespensable. As strong spiritually as I was, I never felt so far from the Lord, but I keep praying every day man. As the days and weeks have passed I've felt that connection, and that void begin to fill.
Take that time to yourself now. Do what you liked. Meet new people. Most of all, know that your kids will be adults soon and thier your best friends!
Take care Op Man! | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/2/2009 2:30:52 PM | This has got to be a really hard thing but like several other people have said, you get through it by changing what you can... your own perception, your activities, your attitude about it. Concentrate on you and keep things as positive as you can. Plus surround yourself with positive support; not people who take your side over hers (taking sides is negative, period, no matter what side) but people who help you focus on you, regardless of what is going on with her.
Another thing that I think trips a lot of people up is thinking like this;
feel so much for you because this is so hard when someone we are with for so long changes how they are.
When people get married as children (yes, 18 is still a child, a child who feels grown up but is still on the edge of childhood), they lose the chance to develop their adult personality independently. Those couples become some kind of composite of what they actually want to be, what the other person allows them to be (or what they think the other one wants them to be), and who they have to be for the spouse and/or kids they committed a lifetime too! WOW! Huge commitment for anyone younger than about 25! People don't "change". It's just that neither one of you ever had an adult relationship before you got married. Couples like this meet as children and then they just grow up together. How can one change, when one never got to decide what they were in the first place? But eventually they just finally mature enough to decide that they want to be the person they should've been without all the encumbrances. You've got to let them do it. They were cheated of the early adult years when most of us figure all that stuff out and eventually we all have to go through that discovery phase. And it's what ends a lot of marriages. Maybe you'll be together in the end, maybe you won't, but you've both got to get through this period first. Whatever happens, you'll likely have a better relationship on the backside for having respected the fact that you both need time to discover yourselves without the other one.
Concentrate on yourself and be brave enough to help your own teenage children get things in a little bit better order than you did! Maybe you can help them avoid making the same mistake. | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/15/2009 12:38:25 AM | I recently went through the same exact thing. My marriage lasted for 17 years. I agree with most of whats been said so far but there's no easy answer for this. People can give you all the advice in the world and it's not going to change the fact that you want what you had and what you felt back. You have to understand though that she's changed now. She's not the same person you were with for all of those years. She's changed but you haven't. That's the tough part.
Take it from me the best thing you can do is to limit your contact with her and, as many people have already stated, you should start doing things that make you happy. Try to make friends with as many people as you can. It will help keep your mind off of her. Exercise is another thing that helps. It will make you feel better about yourself and will give you something to occupy your time.
I've felt the pain you're going through and wouldn't wish that on anyone. Don't allow yourself to dwell on the issue. Keep your mind and body as busy as possible. That's the only thing that's worked for me.
Good luck to you and remember. You're in control of your own happiness and your own future. Life will continue to knock you down but just keep getting up and keep swinging and eventually you'll get through the hard times and life will be good again. It's hard to see it now but believe in yourself and you'll be fine. | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/15/2009 10:23:09 PM | Hi there, I was with my husband for 19 yrs. a total of 22yrs. he was a abuser, it took me 19yrs to finally have enough. I was scared to death to get the divorce, but new I had to0. I have had 4 kids with him. Now we had tried many years to make it work. And each time it was a failure. It hurt everytime we broke up, not only us but our kids. When I divorced there father they where mad at me? couldn't figure that out,. Cause they would watch me get beat from him. Well the kids are still with me and I have all the responsibity of them. He doesn't have much to do with them, yes he pays alimony and child support. Oh I didn't work when my kids were small. Because my husband made good money. But I did have a full time job that was being a wife and mother. I have been divorced for 4 yrs now. It has been very hard on my kids and me. There father has a new life, with the most wonderful women...omg get real..she hasn't seen the real him yet..but if she can change him more power to her. Bottom line I had to do what I had to do. As hard as it was, and I am alone now. But I am ok with that, I have devoted my time to my kids and if someone comes along and can handle a women with baggage then good for them. And if not then, oh well. I'm still here, being a mom. Which I will always be. So I would say to you ,that you need to think hard before you try and go on that ride again with your ex. I know your pain and I still love my ex-husband, but know that we will never be toghether again. Time will heal all wounds so take time for yourself. And good luck, and take care | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/16/2009 4:34:10 AM | | yes I understand exactly what your saying.I'm in the same situation and I don't like it I think we need to step back give ourselve so space.we have to support ourselves now and not them.she's keeping you on a emotional hook. cut the line I did | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/16/2009 4:53:17 AM | ... are you saying she did not get enough in the divorce so she is coming back for more... are you getting played? no not a bit.... you are just being used as a supplementary source of income....
try not fixing the car. sending that little extra "the kids need". she how much your loved then... | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/16/2009 6:32:21 AM | | As a woman on the dating scene, I see these guys all the time, freshly divorced after 18+ yrs, new on the dating scene, totally in the dark as to how to act, dress, what to do with themselves. I've listened to countless stories of how she left him, cheated on him,didn't want to be married anymore, ruined his life, took his money and home, etc. I agree with someone else who posted a reply. You either had your head in the sand as to what was going on in the marriage for YEARS , didn't care, didn't want to listen to her, didn't see the signs or else you , were, indeed, married to a woman from hell. I think the woman from hell comes from the woman who is taken for granted and emotionally ignored for yrs. If she was cheating , you' d have seen the signs. Its EASIER to see the signs with someone you know well and have been with for yrs. Anything new they do is noticeable. So...it could just be possible, you saw what was unravelling and chose to let it go. At any rate, the next time around, be proactive, keep that relationship alive and happy and first and foremost, communicate. You don't ever need to get in a situation like this again. | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/16/2009 8:04:10 AM | To the OP .You can do bad all by yourself it just took you longer to find out .
Since she wanted to be independent of you let her find her own way to the repair shop to fix her car .
Yes keep the number and give it to your lawyer for future reference. | |
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| I'm over it already
Posted: 3/22/2009 1:41:45 PM | I just wanted to tell you I am sorry you are going through all this. I have been single for a year now and it has taken me most of that past year to move on and work through all the heartache. I was with my ex for 6 years... I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to get over someone after 18 years! One of the great things that has come out of this is I am a more independant , stronger person. I have met a few new friends along the way that I greatly appreciate. I am smiling again , enjoying more time with my children and pretty content with my new life. The hardest part was breaking old routines and finding new interests to fill my time. I wish you luck ... it does get better!!  | |
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| I'm over it already
Posted: 3/22/2009 2:37:35 PM | look about halfway down your body.....maybe a bit further depending on how tall you are. that empty space? that is where your balls used to be. apparently you lost them somewhere and need to hunt them down.
for the sake of men everywhere stop being a wussy. she decided to leave. if you fix her car for her somebody needs to smack you upside the head for being an idiot. | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/22/2009 2:59:41 PM | | i think your so right mine left for another guy after 13 years of marriage so i give her no money ignore her ,let the judge decide ,i put her to school to be a court reporter and she met this lame ass in her school real masculine huh lol well any way ive been around the world three times and one thing ive found out woman are infinity they will never run out. | |
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| I'm over it already
Posted: 3/22/2009 3:04:56 PM | You need to give yourself time to heal, it's almost like a death of a spouse when a marriage ends, especially when you didn't realize it was heading that way.
She wanted space... give her that space, let her be self sufficient and that includes her having to pay to have her car repaired. In one of your posts you said she only worked for about 2yrs or something like that. Do you honestly believe she's not cutting the cord because she wants to be back with you....or because she feels a real attachment to your wallet?
I mean I am a woman but I had a ex husband sort of like that and that is all he was after just like I think your ex is.
I know it is really hard to imagine being able to move on but you will, every day will get easier and one day you will go, dang it didn't bother me at all today, and that day will grow into a week etc. Do things that keep you busy and your mind occupied and quite frankly get you tired enough to sleep at night. If there is something you always wanted to do, now is the time to do it. If you have family and friends around, let them help you but in a constructive way, as in not constantly bringing up the subject but have them willing to listen when you need to vent or talk. | |
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| how to cope with 18 years then divorce
Posted: 3/22/2009 4:02:05 PM | | I know exactly how you are feeling. I was married for 26 years. Then last summer I found out my hubby had been seeing a girl from work who is 15 years younger than him. We went to marriage counselling and found out he was still seeing her all through the counselling. He left to go to her and I have been trying to pull my life together since last Sept. It's really hard. I just decided that it was time to make or find a new life. I joined different clubs, made new friends. Anything to take my mind off of it for awhile. I know it's tough and it hurts, but it will get better. It is for me. Now is the time to put yourself first and take care of yourself. Each day will get easier. Good luck. | |
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