| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 3:44:29 PM | | This is an excellant question I think it is both easy and hard work. Easy in a sense sometimes you just know that you will do whatever it takes. Hard in that one truly has to accept someones virtues and discrepancys because we all have them. So to come to an understanding about truly accepting another person you have to have done some of the work already or it wont work TIMING IS EVERYTHING | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 3:44:49 PM | | ...but here's the thing...should it be considered work to compromise, be considerate and make time for another person?....shouldn't those just be things that come easily to you if you are any kind of decent individual? If it becomes work, then I'd think you'd have to have some form of character flaw that, again, you should work on yourself before being in any relationship. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:12:40 PM | These threads always always surprise me. I envy those people who can relate to others, even those they love, so effortlessly.
For me? It was work, not compability, not luck, not chemistry, magic, voodoo or fate, but work that enabled me to dance so well with him.
And it really is like dancing. Think of two spectacular athletes/artists who work together. First they have the schematic,
"two grand jetes, a pirouette stage left" etc.
That translates to, "touch me like this, look at me like that, speak to me in this way" in our world.
Now, we rehearse, we put on our rattiest tights and smelliest old lady sweater and go out in front of a mirror and practice. We suck don't we? Oh my god. You are too short. When you lift me up you look like a midget and me like a cow, cut the lift. Does the midget have to go home and ruminate on "I'm a fvckin midget, what made me think I was a ballet dancer?" and the cow have to go home and ruminate on "I'm a damned cow, yogurt and dry toast for two weeks for me!"
YES. But they have drive, commitment, they are compelled to dance. So they show up the next day in their rattiest tights, the sweater even smellier and do it again. Now we're getting to know the choreography. Now we get to express ourselves a little bit. That c0ck of the head, the smile when I caught you from the pirouette? Beautiful! Put it in the schematic. The scene builds. The choreography becomes more complex. It becomes infused with the personality of the dancers, and starts to move away from fantasy of the choreographer.
Now we finally get to go on stage. We know the scene, we've made it our own, it's ours now, not the choreographer's, be he or she a third party or one of the dancers. The pressure is on, it's make it or break it. The energy, the excitement of the risk taken feeds the dance even more. The jumps are higher, the turns more precise, we're listening intently to the music because the steps themselves are second nature, we own them. Now we get to do them to the music. We get to dance.
Yay!
It's two months, five months, eight months later. I drop to my knees in front of him, "Please, if you could just allow me to dance with you tonight?" We go out to dance.
I respond to him with a pirouette. He catches me. I c0ck my head and look to him and smile. Beautiful.
Over time we had material we could infuse any interaction with. Over time our repertoire got so full it was like a cheap Chinese restaurant menu. He knew he could pull combinations from column A or column B and put them together a new way. I got to submit to those combinations. And I remembered to let him catch me, c0ck my head and smile. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:20:36 PM | ^^^^
:  I do understand what you are getting at, however, would it not have been a much easier and smoother (less hard or less effort) learning experience for both had they learned how to dance on their own before learning to dance with each other?...which is pretty much what I was getting at in my post before yours. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:23:43 PM | | That's just it. It's not about learning how to dance, it's about learning how to dance with them, specifically. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:38:37 PM |
...but here's the thing...should it be considered work to compromise, be considerate and make time for another person?....shouldn't those just be things that come easily to you if you are any kind of decent individual? If it becomes work, then I'd think you'd have to have some form of character flaw that, again, you should work on yourself before being in any relationship.
If we were all perfect all the time, then that might be true. But being flawed humans, there are days it is going to be work to do those things. Other days it will be no problem. I don't think its a character flaw to admit some days you could not be in the mood to compromise, etc. Those are the days it will take work. Some days it will be you, others it will be the other person. Both parties have to be willing to put in the effort on those days. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:40:52 PM | | No. It requires communication, understanding and compassion. But hard work? Not so much. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:50:06 PM | Again, I do see what you're getting at, tuezdaye, I truly do. What I'm getting at, however, is that you have to have an understanding of human nature (the dance) before you stumble into it by not knowing your own capabilities to interact with someone else. It's been said that it is work to compromise, be considerate and make time for another person. I don't see that as work - I see that as being a person who knows ahead of time they are easily capable of those things. If you haven't grown as a person who is easily capable of those things, that's where problems start to arise and where it becomes work in a relationship. Too many people don't know how to interact in relationships, largely because of selfishness and that's where the emphasis on work (on self) comes into play...before entering a relationship. Otherwise you won't ever learn to dance with anyone and will constantly and painfully be stepping on toes and tripping over your own feet while you figure it out. Granted, practice can bring you closer to perfection (your example of the dance with another), as the saying goes, but wouldn't life be a whole lot better for people if they worked on themselves a bit more before figuring they had to work so hard at a relationship and screwing both parties up so much in the process? I could be over-simplifying things but then maybe it's my age as well, having learned about myself and paying attention to human nature all these years. Some people seem to be born with this understanding, some learn it over time and some will just never get it (and I'm not referring to anyone in particular who has posted - just people in general).
^^^^ what carolann0308 said in neatly simplified terms.
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 4:56:52 PM |
It's like baking a cake -- it's work in a sense that it involves you getting off your butt and doing stuff, but it's also fun, creative and ultimately rewarding
Yes, and then again, some people want their cake and to eat it too!  | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:03:47 PM | excellent post karma1160 msg. 25
it becomes work when the timing isn't right. both parties need to be ready for a serious commitment. period. but life has it that people with the potential to be great partners connect just to find out that one still needs a little freedom or isn't quite over an old lover, etc.....the list goes on.
it would be nice if everyone did their inner homework and therefore knew when they were truly ready for a commitment. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:05:14 PM | | No it's not just you. That's a good answer! Love should just come naturally. When it becomes work somethings not right., | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:06:14 PM | This is an excellant question I think it is both easy and hard work. Easy in a sense sometimes you just know that you will do whatever it takes. Hard in that one truly has to accept someones virtues and discrepancys because we all have them. So to come to an understanding about truly accepting another person you have to have done some of the work already or it wont work TIMING IS EVERYTHING Every relationship you're involved in family, friendship, romance is hard work at times. In order for it to last and grow, you have to put the effort into it. There will be bumpy roads that you'll need to work hard to right. It's life, so yes, in my opinion love is hard work. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:06:55 PM | When we "work", it implies that we are doing something because we HAVE to. When we put out "effort", it implies that we WANT to
Well said!!
Work is what you do for the means of survival. If you happen to enjoy the hell out of it, it'll never feel like "work". So it is with love. If you enjoy the effort you make so that your love will survive, it'll never feel like work, or at least not often enough to make you ask questions like this one.
Cindy O | |
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| Maybe its just me...
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:14:17 PM | ...but I'm thinking a forum made up of people who either are looking for a relationship because their last one failed, or who have questions about their current relationship (why won't he this...why does she that) aren't really an authority on how easy relationships are or should be.
Insofar as the question itself....I think someone said it best in drawing the comparison between "work" and "effort".
I've never heard of a relation...my own or anyone else's...that didn't require "effort". effort to get to know the person...even as they continue to evolve and change. Effort to try to please and satisfy them...not out of obligation, but because that is what you wish to do. Effort to put aside your own wants / needs / desires when required so that comprimise can be struck.
Frankly, I cannot imagine a relationship that would not require effort, unless the other person were an android designed to do nothing but comply with my wishes, and acquiesce to my will.
Doesn't sound particular interesting or fun. I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with such a person... | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:23:00 PM | | No, love should not be "hard work." Love should have a certain synergy to it, almost like a constant flow. It should be natural. Occasionally, any relationship will hit a roadbump. Some hard work might be required in that case to get over the road bump. But, only in that case. The rest of the time the love you have for each other should pump energy and satisfaction into both of you, as easily as drinking a cup of water. | |
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| Maybe its just me...
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:26:59 PM | ^^^^
To continue with the dance analogy; there's days when you've got 'flu, every single bit of you feels like it's been on the underside of a stampede, and despite your love of dance you haven't one more molecule of energy left over. It takes a lot of work to prop yourself upright and paste a smile on your face. Then again, if you can't even manage that, your partner needs to switch into 'supportive' mode.
I don't think anybody thinks that relationships require work or effort all the time but I don't think any truly valuable relationship can function completely without effort. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:33:12 PM | I think it can be hard work or can seem like hard work. Whether or not it actually is hard work is immaterial. If it feels like it then it is.
Some people take to relationships and others struggle with them once they get beyond the 'pink cloud' stage. Some people live in the now and some have their feet planted firmly in their tomorrow or next year etc. A lot will rest upon the background a person has come from. Their upbringing (good, bad or indifferent) will also come into play. How could it not ? As well, the economics of the situation will come into it. The stage of life both parties are at, their general state of health, mental and physical, will also play a major part. Their expectations of each other and what they are prepared to put up with. Or not. Their insecurities, hopes, fears, past traumas will all surface, sooner or later. Usually later and on the down slope of the matter.
Yeah, we all read daily of the importance of communication but how many actually do that? Leaving aside the nitty gritty realities of everyday living, how many sit down and say this is what I want and that is what I want and what I DON'T want is this and what I DON'T want is that? How many people actually KNOW what they want ? Or don't want? Aside from vague and general notions.
And how many people are simply prepared to settle for what they get ? | |
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| Maybe its just me...
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:35:18 PM | Yes I believe love is hard work.. because the beloved is not always lovable. I loved my ex with all my heart.. and I am amazed at how much I put up with because I did love him..hahahaha.. Now days a guy pulls what my ex pulled?? he is outa here on his keister!!!
Loving, truely loving someone requires sacrifice.. holding your tongue when you want to blast them, holding their head while they puke their guts out in the toliet when you are barely holding it together yourself, listening when you want to just tell them what is on your mind, ..
And anyone who thinks love is easy doesn't in my book understand what real love is.
Love also has to be nourished and fed.. so when the bad times come there is enough love in the love bank to get you through it. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:39:41 PM | I think what we mean it takes lot of work to make love work.
I may add to this that when we love our partner...we dont see it as work, as a load. It comes natural as you say. It is only when we see our partner doesn't respond to all our care and love, when keeping up with the relationship starts to feel like an unwanted load.
That just my opinion.
So I agree with you...if both parts are compatible it shouldn't feel like work at all!!! | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:41:25 PM | If its work ,DONT want it allready have job.Someone please define LOVE. | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:45:52 PM | Love is not hard work but good relationships take work. Theer is no such thing as happily ever after. | |
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| Maybe its just me...
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:47:12 PM |
...but I'm thinking a forum made up of people who either are looking for a relationship because their last one failed, ....... aren't really an authority on how easy relationships are or should be
And I'm thinking there are people who visit these forums who are single because their longtime spouse or partner died. And I suspect that many of us from that camp, are not in relationships now because we KNOW what love feels like and aren't willing to settle for the counterfeit stuff that seems to be so abundant these days.
And no one here is claiming to be an 'authority', we are simply voicing our individual opinions and experiences.
Of course, any kind of sucessful interaction with another human being, be it a romantic relationship, a close friendship, dealing with coworkers, family members, children all require effort. But "effort" and "work" are not necessarily interchangeable words. Of course love requires effort, but if it feels like "hard work", maybe it isn't really love.
Cindy O | |
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| Is love hard work?
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:50:55 PM |
Again, I do see what you're getting at, tuezdaye, I truly do.
And I get what you're saying too.
But you see, I'm one of those flawed people who had to learn the dance by stepping on toes and tripping over my own feet.
It was painful, and hard, and more work than I ever could have imagined.
I wasn't being snide when I said I envied those who could relate so effortlessly. I really do envy them.
Some people know how to love, innately. I learned it. | |
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| Maybe its just me...
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:52:00 PM | | ...and to add to Cindy O's comment, a lot of us are in fulfilling relationships, whether married or not and get a kick out of the forums for whatever reason. | |
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| Maybe its just me...
Posted: 2/25/2009 5:58:07 PM | | Ditto............................................... | |
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