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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 3/31/2009 2:19:03 PM | Let's trivialize this discussion for a moment, just to see what happens, as one would in a laboratory.
If 50+ and single is completely unacceptable to a fair amount of folks here, how about age 49. Is that okay? Hmmm, maybe not. 48? 45? How about 40? 39? What desirabilities do each age have as we attempt (in vain, in my opinion) to find that magic age where there is a complete shutoff of being a good new mate for someone. Is there a mathematical formula we could apply? Or, maybe we should just judge singles on a case by case basis. I opt for the latter, instead of applying some arbitrary number. Is anyone following my logic here? Still, you might yet convince me that a 49 year old single person is great relatonship material, but just let that same person travel around the sun one more time, and --poof- they lose all their desirability as to being a potential mate. Maybe it's a matter of astrology. 
As I have mentioned in my case, I have a good reason for being single at this age. I did it because I did not want to ruin a woman's life with my past difficulites. That shows character, self-sacrifice (whether ill-advises or not.) If a woman could not comprehend my own particular situation, in light of my singleness, there is no use in even knowing her as an acquaintence, let alone as a friend.
Because of my own decades long suffering and recovery, I can be extraordinarily empathetic if you have a problem. I don't take people or things for granted; I'm thankful for any good that comes my way, no matter how imperfect in might be. I'm extremely patient, and sensitive to the needs of others around me. Yet, by the definition of some, I do not qualify as being a good mate. My only vice is discussion boards, and of that, mostly political ones, from which I have developed bad habits of going for the jugular. I'm passionate about ideals, in theory. There are many reasons why I should not be alive today, except for my tolerance of suffering and fanatical drive to survive and get a whole lot better. I've been the route, and I've met some wondeful people along the way. I has a serious relationship with a woman, who tragically died. She suffered from the same thing I did. You can imagine how sad experience that was for me. I loved her despite her health problems.
And some would say, I'm not good material for being a mate. Sigh. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:06:19 PM | I won't even bother with your idiotic attempt at humor by messing around with 50, 49, 48, etc. Everybody will pick their OWN age to see as a "red flag".
As I have mentioned in my case, I have a good reason for being single at this age. I did it because I did not want to ruin a woman's life with my past difficulites. That shows character, self-sacrifice (whether ill-advises or not.) If a woman could not comprehend my own particular situation, in light of my singleness, there is no use in even knowing her as an acquaintence, let alone as a friend.
Perhaps you ruined that lady's life by FORCING her out of yours (past difficulties or not) ??? Did you ever ask her ?
Because of my own decades long suffering and recovery, I can be extraordinarily empathetic if you have a problem. I don't take people or things for granted; I'm thankful for any good that comes my way, no matter how imperfect in might be. I'm extremely patient, and sensitive to the needs of others around me. Yet, by the definition of some, I do not qualify as being a good mate.
You simply REFUSE to recognize that I (and others) have said there are EXCEPTIONS to every "rule". Perhaps YOU are such an exception ? Yet you CONTINUE to argue that "they" think you do not qualify as a good mate. 
If a woman could not comprehend my own particular situation, in light of my singleness, there is no use in even knowing her as an acquaintence, let alone as a friend.
So if SHE likes Skippy peanut butter and YOU like Peter Pan, she can't be an acquaintance OR a friend ???
My only vice is discussion boards, and of that, mostly political ones, from which I have developed bad habits of going for the jugular.
If you argue a point on other discussion boards and refuse to accept/read ANYTHING from the "opposition" (as you so clearly do HERE) I imagine it's YOUR "jugular" that's pouring out blood. You just don't realize it. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 3/31/2009 3:28:01 PM | First of all your posts would be far easier to read if you broke it down into paragraphs and began sentences with capital letters - but whatever.
You know, you said that previous post was your last so I didn't even bother with you. But now that you choose to speak up again,,,,,,,,,
Oh Legacypgmr I think your lady friend is wrong on people over fifty. as far as commitment I am more committed than a lot of young people I know. you have to be when you work 15 to 20 hours a day seven days a week.
Firstly, committing to WORK and committing to another PERSON are so clearly 2 different things that point really doesn't justify an answer (although I guess I just DID )
Secondly, as I've said before that is a general rule about people AROUND 50 (better funny Face ) and of course there ARE exceptions. Perhaps as FunnyFace believes himself to be an exception you are one also ?
Thirdly, you can think she's wrong all you like but she has credentials worldwide and you believe YOU are right and SHE is wrong. Fine. Whatever.
you took and made light of the comment of being judged well is that not what was being done by enszygirl about guys over 50 and never married, no kids when she said red flag
And yes, she was RIGHT - what's your point ?
We don't ask for anyones point of view on what we are looking for in life nor do we care for thier opinions.
Fine, then don't post on a subject if you don't want anybody to discuss what you post. You can give YOUR opinion on something but if somebody has a different opinion THEY are "judging" ??? You MUST be kidding. This is a DISCUSSION board, no ? You don't want your opinion "judged"/questioned/debated/whatever, the answer is simple - don't POST one.
We ("never marrieds") look at people that divorce as people not to trust as they can not abide by vows that they have taken.
Fine. That's YOUR prerogative. I personally have no problem with that. Perhaps others do. So why do YOU have a problem with someone "disqualifying" a "never married" ??? Isn't that a little bit hypocritical ?
As for the rest of your post I fell asleep somewhere in the middle - not quite sure WHAT point you were trying to make regarding never married and 50, but whatever.
Yup - you, Levi, and FunnyFace - 3 peas in a pod. Sure hope if a lady's interested in any of you she checks out your forum posts. 
Take care. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 3/31/2009 8:52:06 PM |
We ("never marrieds") look at people that divorce as people not to trust as they can not abide by vows that they have taken.
So we should trust "never marrieds" because they never even tried to have any kind of meaningful relationship for fear of failure? After all, "never marrieds" have never abided by any vows either. They never even made any kind of attempt much less worked, day to day, struggling to make it through. This is what I don't get.
Sure, some people have broken their vows. Why? Well, you'd have to ask them and figure out whether or not they had good enough reason. Then again, it can be said that "never marrieds" are simply selfish and demanding people for whom nothing is ever good enough so THAT is why they never married. Or, that they are too screwed up and unable to get over past issues to learn to relate to another person. Or, that they have such low self esteem that no one could ever compensate enough so they just sit in their little pool of self-pity and blame the whole world for not loving them when they can't even love themselves. Or, that they are cowards who would rather hide and judge rather than get out there and risk the pain of being a fulfilled human being. Is that fair? Hardly, although it is true in some cases.
Honestly, if you have never been involved in a long term, emotionally, physically, intellectually, economically, spiritually, socially intimate relationship EVER, then you really have no place at all judging the whys and wherefores of how these things don't work out. You are simply basing your opinions on ignorance and fantasy. This is the reason some people never marry. Ironically, this is also the reason some people do get married (me included.) | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 4/1/2009 7:09:40 AM | ok no problem here:
First yeah I know I forget to paragraph but I have always done it an for that I know I am wrong. (S)ee I even did the same during the time I was in school. (N)o biggie to me.
Second: See I do consider it a commitment for work since my hobbies are being a designer and creator of miniatures. This also takes dedication as well. My commitment is to the people I make my miniatures for I refuse to give anything but the best I can possibly give to them. Is that not what one does when they commit to another person for marriage. At least to me that is what I would consider it . Give my mate the utmost best I could give to her not only physically, mentally, but all around in everything I can give to her. When I work I do the same for my employer even tho at times I don't agree with the program. It is still 100% commitment to the contract I agreed to.
Third: Now for the comment of enszygirl. See not all guys over 50, never married, and no kids means a red flag. If it was so with every guy then yes I would agree by no means but it is not. Now if I said anything that offended her I apologize to her.
Fourth: I am not going to address each and everything I said doesn't matter to me. My point to this is why should we have to judge someone for something that may not have been something that could not have been different in thier lives. We don't know but we should at least give them the chance by getting to know them and letting them explain. Now this does not apply to everyone and I am not foolish or dumb enough to think otherwise.
I do have one thing I think I will address tho. I personally have no problem with someone that has divorced for any reason. I personally lived with a lady that had been divorced four times. After a while I found out why and it didn't exactly fit her description of how or why they ended and I found out first hand. So even tho one may ask they may never know the complete story. My whole point is that if there is a red flag on someone that is single, never married and no kids. Then by no means does it not seem that should not be the same to someone that has divorced. I personally don't care what one has done in thier past. Just as long as they prove to me it is different from that point on between us. I am also not foolish enough to think that will always be the case.
Now to Nola:
Let me say this first okay. My point about the vows was that it is how one wants to look at things and you proved it to me with your description of how a never married could be. I am not saying all never marrieds look at someone that breaks thier vows as I had mentioned. I just thought that if a person makes a vow or commitment then why not be damn sure on that before hand. I just refused to make the step because of a couple of situations that had happened to me. I also had not found someone that I felt good enough about to trust making that step. Those that I did find and think there may be a chance proved to me otherwise. I have found the one I will make that step with but I will always have that one little spark in the back of my mind telling me to beware. Now there I may be wrong but with years and knowing how things have been before it happens to us all.
Now I will also say I refused to just settle for just anyone. I would have rather lived single for my entire life than to just settle with someone. I had to be sure I loved the lady and trusted her completely. I refuse to not be completely and totally into what steps I take when I make a promise like a wedding vow. I also know I have to throw out the one speck of doubt that remains and I know I can do that. See that is not a promise to anyone but one person and that is to myself. As I had said before I would rather die before breaking a promise to anyone especially to me.
Now let me say this I am sorry that I didn't fully explain myself and most likely I still haven't but thats fine. I have found what I am looking for and I do intend to make the step. We do intend to make the best of it and just be into each other. So people have fun and keep on with what ever you do. take care.
Moundpuppy | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 4/1/2009 1:43:51 PM |
I do consider it a commitment for work.... I refuse to give anything but the best I can possibly give to them..... Is that not what one does when they commit to another person for marriage.... It is still 100% commitment to the contract I agreed to.
Yes and no. Commitment to work has many things in common with a commitment to a marriage, but it's no where near as inclusive (and invasive.) In a marriage, you are committed 24/7, FOREVER. With a job, you put in your hours, then you are free to do what you want. In marriage, someone is there, underfoot, in your business ALL THE TIME. There is very little individual freedom, except in very mature and communicative relationships.
This is a key sticking point with people who have "red flags" about never-been-marrieds. Just as applying for a job for which you have no experience, so too a relationship. "Most" people feel more comfortable with someone who has practical experience rather than a perception.
I just thought that if a person makes a vow or commitment then why not be damn sure on that before hand. Do you think that people who have divorced did not do that? That's a common misconception. "Why get married if you didn't plan on sticking with it?" Well, pretty much everybody goes into marriage completely 100% convinced that they will live happily ever after, forever. However, since none of us have a crystal ball and can read the future, it's impossible to predict what might happen 10, 15, 20 years down the road. You don't know how you and your partner will evolve. You don't know what challenges and hardships you'll face that will challenge your perspectives. I also had not found someone that I felt good enough about to trust making that step. Those that I did find and think there may be a chance proved to me otherwise. I have found the one I will make that step with but I will always have that one little spark in the back of my mind telling me to beware. Now there I may be wrong but with years and knowing how things have been before it happens to us all. You have experienced things which cause you to be extremely cautious, maybe even to the point of being unrealistic. There is no way to "know for sure" that anything will work out. There are always some tiny sparks of doubt because humans are not perfect and behavior cannot ever be completely predictable. Waiting for thing to be "just right" may be the single most prevalent reason why people never marry. Some people just aren't comfortable going into a situation without guarantees. On the other hand, there are people who just jump into any old thing on a whim to satisfy immediate needs without thinking about the long term ramifications. Now I will also say I refused to just settle for just anyone. I would have rather lived single for my entire life than to just settle with someone. I had to be sure I loved the lady and trusted her completely. I refuse to not be completely and totally into what steps I take when I make a promise like a wedding vow. This is good, but it depends on what you call "settling." If you just needed companionship and were willing to overlook a bunch of red flags, then that would be "settling." But, waiting for everything to align and be perfect with the guarantee of "happily ever after" is unrealistic. You have to love yourself and trust your own judgment before you expect to love and trust another. Everyone is completely and totally into their promises, but not everything goes according to plan. And, that's OK. Fear of failure is not a good enough reason to avoid having deep, meaningful, long term relationships. Learning how to work around problems and challenges is what a real relationship is about. If someone has never, ever, done that, then it is a valid concern for people who would like to have a relationship with someone who can do the work, not just dream the dream. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 4/1/2009 1:50:03 PM | This thread is really enlightening, and disheartening. I never realized such negative attitudes about never married people were so prevalent. I work with a woman who is 26 years old. She got married about a year and a half ago. Six months ago she and her husband spilt and she is now in the process of a divorce. Her marriage was shorter than both of my living together relationships. That makes here a better risk, for the rest of her life, than a never married person? A one year marriage? I have been told by men that some women have told them they want to get married just so they can say they've been married. A woman friend, who's been married for 30+ years, and who is one of those people everyone spills their guts to, told me she think "a lot of people" who get married compromise heavily just so they can be married. Many people get married because they are pregnant, because it is 'time,' i.e., they've reached a certain age, because they are relocated for a job and decide to take their SO with them and it's easier if you're legal; I have a close female friend who married essentially because she was nearing 30 and she had moved to a new town for a job and was lonely. Her boyfriend kept presuring her, so she married him. She has pretty much regretted for years, but she is hanging on trying to make the best of it. People get married for a lot of reasons, and not always for the higher level, admirable, magnificently romantic reasons that are so often mentioned in this thread. At the same time, people who haven't married are also in that situation for many reasons; there is as much diversity in the reason for those who haven't married as those who have--which is also clearly evidenced by the posts in this thread. Two things come to mind: one is that the percentage of never marrieds is very small, making us a minority, and thus less accepted amongst the general p0pulace for being different, less accepted and less understood. Also, I truly believe there is currently a higher percentage of never married people at this time than ever before, and that is because society has changed since the 1960's and there has been less pressure to marry, less reason to. Also, one other point: statistics show that among women, those who are more highly educated are less likely to marry...whatever that means...maybe too busy with careers, or more circumspect about marriage, don't know.
I have no desire to talk someone into considering me for any reason. I have no problem considering a never married man, or a divorced man. I do have reservations about a man who has married and divorced multiple times. That can be considered my personal preference, as it is the personal preference of those who have reservations about never married people. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 4/1/2009 5:30:56 PM | ismene2, girlfriend! How you been, woman?
A number of years ago, I was dating a guy who was divorced. No problem. We were spending a slow afternoon in the usual way. It was at the end of that "time of the month" and there was a little "leakage." He totally freaked. I said, dang, you were married, weren't you? This must have happened before with your wife. How long were you married?
His answer: three months. Three whole months! Wow! I guess this automatically makes him more desirable on the dating scene than a never married guy. Turns out, he told me, that he got her pregnant and they got married, only to get divorced three months later. Oh yeah, she had the papers served on him after she had the baby. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 4/1/2009 6:13:32 PM | I second the welcome back, dear Ismene!!
To Nola, as I have said in each and every thread I've come across in which someone either questions why someone has never married or said they would never date a "single, never married," I was in one commonlaw relationship years ago that lasted 9 years. Another one lasted for 3 years. In each of these live-in relationships we were connected physically, spiritually, financially, and virtually every other way a married couple is. In the one case we didn't marry because he didn't want to take that step, and in the other case we did get engaged but never made it to the altar due to issues of abuse.
Though we weren't married on paper, the first man and I considered ourselves to be married.
Another poster said the only reason they would hesitate to date a "never married" is if he still lived with his mother. At my age, I would also hesitate to do so, unless of course he was living with her so that he could take care of her and not to take advantage of her loving nature to get free room and board. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 4/1/2009 9:27:48 PM |
I personally lived with a lady that had been divorced four times. After a while I found out why and it didn't exactly fit her description of how or why they ended and I found out first hand. So even tho one may ask they may never know the complete story.
My whole point is that if there is a red flag on someone that is single, never married and no kids. Then by no means does it not seem that should not be the same to someone that has divorced.
Can somebody please decode this for me ?
The women he lived with who had been divorced four times had 'issues.' She had personality/behavior problems. The reason for her divorces as because of those issues, but she had told him another or other reasons for her divorces. She lied about how and why her marriages failed. If it is a red flag that someone has not been married or had kids, then it should also be a red flag that someone has been married 4 times.
I am 'decoding' --this post is just a restatement of someone else's. However, I do agree about the married 4 times...that's a red flag for me. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 4/2/2009 9:42:12 PM | | It continues to amaze me how easy women apparently think it is for a man to just "get married" in this life. We have to take the initative, beg you to have something to do with us and deal with rejection time and again. The whole courting process is really quite degrading to men, who like women would love to be actively desired, approached and pursued if women would only do it. To the women I ask: Would you really like to have our role? | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 4/3/2009 10:35:52 AM |
It continues to amaze me how easy women apparently think it is for a man to just "get married" in this life. We have to take the initative, beg you to have something to do with us and deal with rejection time and again. The whole courting process is really quite degrading to men, who like women would love to be actively desired, approached and pursued if women would only do it. To the women I ask: Would you really like to have our role?
Then there's the case of "Justkaren2" who told us (on a different thread) how she contacted a guy (first) and the guy told her it made her look "desperate" 
On your profile you SAY you're "Just looking for a nice lady to email a bit back and forth, maybe meet for lunch if we get along. I like animals, sports, reading non-fiction, movies, tennis, short trips, etc. I'm a reasonable person and easy going."
Perhaps the reality isn't quite the same ???
The fact is that, for the last 30 years or so, unless your next door neighbor was the Una-bomber, or you're a Michael J Pollard look-alike trying to date Elle MacPherson, or you make $20K per year and are trying to date Paris Hilton, you SHOULD have found more than a few ladies of the type you're (apparently) looking for. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 4/3/2009 1:03:30 PM |
It continues to amaze me how easy women apparently think it is for a man to just "get married" in this life. We have to take the initative, beg you to have something to do with us and deal with rejection Do you think it's easier for a woman to get married? If nobody asks:"Will you marry me"??
The whole courting process is really quite degrading to men, who like women would love to be actively desired, approached and pursued if women would only do it. with the right woman it supposed to be fun....because she'll worth it
To the women I ask: Would you really like to have our role? it would be easier if it were socially accepted...I would have been married at least 10 times | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 10/27/2009 3:38:51 PM | "Never mind the fact that those who married and divorced were unable to sustain a commitment. If they were able to make and sustain a comittment then they would not have divorced. "
That's a disturbing lot of assumption and judgment going on there. We have no way of knowing what efforts were made to save a marriage, what difficulties were insurmountable, what situations led to what painful outcomes. "narrow minded" indeed. Unless you've walked the mile... | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 10/27/2009 4:49:24 PM | | I never could understand why women think there is something wrong with a 50+ man that has never married. I myself have never married so I guess despite the fact that I have a lot of friends and acquaintances, am well liked by most people , am successful in business and always have two dogs, there must be something wrong with me. Well the fact is I have met lots of attractive women and have had some sitting right at my dining room table. I can meet someone anytime I like so I really do not care if some nut job thinks men over 50 that have never been married are flawed. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 10/27/2009 5:00:01 PM | >>> "never marrieds" are simply selfish and demanding people for whom nothing is ever good enough so THAT is why they never married
Maybe "never married" is because of belief in the sanctity... shouldn't the divorced be more worried than the "never married"?
Before you condemn the "never married" crowd, look to yourself to wonder why the married has turned awry | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 10/27/2009 5:36:28 PM |
Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Geesh...don't you know that "misery loves company"!
How can a woman who's been married and miserable for years possibly relate to a man who has never been married or suffered the consequences.... | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:41:09 PM | | Wow , people, either never married or divorced, are very defensive and aggressive on this topic. Makes me wonder why all the anger and defense???? For me it is merely preference. Chose your poison?? (only kidding). I find some never married men to be a little inept when it comes to intimacy and compromising.....but I can also say the same about some men who were married for 25 years unhappily and clueless. For me it all depends on the person, their ability to be comfortable with themselves, ability to be intimate and to understand that a relationship is a partnership and last but not least.....they need to drop the baggage and stop using it as an excuse. | |
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| Women question a man over 50 and not been married?
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:14:05 PM |
"Never mind the fact that those who married and divorced were unable to sustain a commitment. If they were able to make and sustain a comittment then they would not have divorced. "
That's a disturbing lot of assumption and judgment going on there. We have no way of knowing what efforts were made to save a marriage, what difficulties were insurmountable, what situations led to what painful outcomes. "narrow minded" indeed. Unless you've walked the mile...
Yup, it was me who wrote those words a few months ago and yanno what - they are still as true today as they were then. It's really ironic how so many of the separated, divorced, and widowed can make assumptions, judgments and very often nasty and cutting remarks about the never marrieds and why they have chosen to never marry but you, as as divorced woman, seem take issue when a never married points out something you find distainful. Frankly, Scarlet, I don't really give a rat's patootie what efforts were made to save the marriage or what difficulties were insurmountable or what situations led to what painful outcomes - you see, some of the separated, divorced and widowed very often don't give a second thought to the reasoning behind why never marrieds have never married either so as the saying goes .... what's good for one side is good for the other side.
Perhaps you might want to read up on a few more of the threads on this topic and you will see just how many assumptions and judgments have been made by some of the separated, divorced, and widowed about the never marrieds . Let me assure you they are cutting, nasty and very hurtful. About those shoes that you think I need to walk in.....hmmmmm, maybe you might want to try walking in the shoes that never marrieds walk in. With the some of the attitudes expressed in these fora, it often isn't a pretty sight.
Okay, now back to regularly scheduled programming..... | |
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