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Posted: 3/1/2009 9:08:17 PM | This is just weird,,,,
I know you say you dont think she would have cheated on you, but you might want to think again. No woman in her right mind is going to do this UNLESS there is something HUGE to hide, like you aren't the baby's father.
And trust me, just when you think you know someone, something like this happens and you find out that they just aren't the person you thought they were. Hence, the reason I am single right now :-)
Hope it all works out. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 12:11:07 AM | I do know that there is always that slight possibility. At this point I will run the course thinking and believing that this child is mine.
The last thing I would want for this boy is to think that I didn't want him or that he was a mistake not even for a second.
If he is mine and I wasn't given the opportunity to be involved, I would at least want him to know that I did anything and everything that I could possibly do within my powers.
I am ready to accept the absolute worst, but will hope for the best. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 6:06:34 AM | OP, if your post is accurate, you dont know this woman at all...you only think you do.
If you never saw any of this coming, then you have been bamboozled, big time.
I would let her know sooner rather than later that you are aware of this child and intend to excercise your parental rights. What if she intends to do something really dumb, like sell the baby? If you dont act right away, she may well get away with it(or whatver her diabolical plan is) before you can get a court order...legal systems work slow, you dont have time on your side.
Good luck! | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 9:25:50 AM | Well, before assuming or trying to assume responsibility for the baby, I would definately consider the poster's suggestion that the baby isn't yours. Look into going to court and getting a court ordered paternity test. Then, if he is yours, go for what you want. Whether it is custody, just visitation, whatever. Get it rolling now so that she can't nail you for back child support in the future. Just make sure the baby is really yours before getting hit or agreeing to pay child support or anything.
Good luck | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 1:50:37 PM | Hey, let her know you know. If its is your baby, there is nothing more rewarding than parenting.
As for the other part, the her not telling you, leaving you and etc, I'll tell you (and other men in this situation) my emotions went haywire when I was pregnant. At one point I even believed that I hated my boy's father, at another point I was certain of abortion, adoption, totally blew all relationships in my life out of proportion in uncertain directions etc. In short my thought process was messed up, and my usual diplomacy left me. Just keep that in mind when you talk to her. There is much research into postpartum depression, but there is a depression (exactly like my irrational behavior) that comes with the onset of pregnancy. After the birth, she may be more sensible. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 4:04:22 PM | | Okay, so once it is confirmed that he is my son, would I be an ***hole to seek primary custody or would it be more benifitial to him, to allow her to have primary custody. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 4:14:42 PM | | You wouldn't be an a**hole, if this child is yours, you'd have as much right to primary custody as she would. Unless she is seen as an unfit mom, the best you could probably expect is joint. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 4:20:14 PM |
Okay, so once it is confirmed that he is my son, would I be an ***hole to seek primary custody or would it be more benifitial to him, to allow her to have primary custody.
Go for shared custody right across the board. You can get a custody agreement written up at the Family Justice Centre for nothing.
With shared, you can get 50-50 custody timewise and you won't have to pay CS if your two incomes are close.
Make sure about paternity, but if it's yours, you have as much rights to as much time with the kid as she does.
Good luck..
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 4:39:57 PM | | Not yours ... Thats what i would say ... Watch your ass .. If you do get back with her get a test.. Trust me ... Its alot easyer to cut it off now... Then to live 2 or 3 year then find out that your not the daddy and some other guy is... | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 4:40:55 PM | I would approach this situation with kindness. Talk to her. Explain that you want to be involved.
Make sure their is a paternity test. Maybe this could be done at the hospital right after the birth. Do this to ensure the child is yours; you simply want to make sure because you will be paying child support.
If all civility fails, I suggest you hire legal counsel.
In the meantime, congratulations Daddy! | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 5:10:31 PM | | I do not believe this story. First, it is unclear how you got a copy of ultra-sound. Second, a person who responsibly prepares herself to a pragnancy as you indicated is not going to look for abortion options within 24 hours after the pregnancy test cam e positive. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 6:09:42 PM | Hooked and Happy as well as several others gave you very good advice. Approach her about being civil and file a paternity suit, which you can do before the child is born although they will wait until the birth to do the DNA test. I would do it now, courts take time and you do not want to miss the first days of this life if you are the father.
DO NOT tell this woman that someone violated her medical privacy by giving you a copy of the sonogram no matter how you managed that one.
As far as custody, why would you seek primary custody rather than joint? Do you believe she is an incompetent parent? Have you started doing all of the reading necessary for the baby and have a plan prepared for how you could share custody if she breast-feeds? You have a lot of ducks to get in a row before you decide how you should proceed. Regardless, one area you need to educate yourself is child custody in your state. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 6:29:59 PM | Okay, so once it is confirmed that he is my son, would I be an ***hole to seek primary custody or would it be more benifitial to him, to allow her to have primary custody.
More than anything, you need to do some research...there are tons of studies on the affects of different custodial arrangements on babies and children.
Personally, I think an newborn needs a stable atmosphere and continuous contact with both parents so he can form a secure attachment.
One of my best friends split up with his girlfriend prior to the baby being born, and they made their own custodial agreement. She had primary custody for the 1st two years of the baby's life (then they had 50/50 split), but he had visitation every day. Every day after work, he'd go pick her up from the mother's house and eventually they became friends again and he ended up spending a lot of evenings at the mother's home.
On the weekends, he'd take the baby all day Saturday.
It worked really well for them...their son always slept in the same bed, never went more than a day without both parents, and neither parent spent much less time with the child than they would have had they still been living together.
Obviously, that may not work for you, but I really encourage you to try to make things work with the mother for the sake of your son, and do your best to protect your son, no matter what. Be creative! | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/2/2009 6:39:52 PM | OP, I would say there's a chance the baby does not belong to you.
You currently have no relationship with her now but I would let her know that you are aware of her pregnancy and keep your mouth shut and let her talk.
Listen to what she has to say as she might say things that you don't expect at all. God only knows what the real situation is.
Nonetheless, if it goes bad and she tells you it's not your baby, she may be telling you the truth but if you have any doubt, then pursue the matter through the court system.
Only you and her know the timeline on when you guys were having sex and when the sex ended.
Last, write down and keep some kind of journal as to your communication with her. The more you write down, the better you'll be able to keep your information straight.
Really, this is pretty much a mystery, so proceed very cautiously and don't piss her off because she'll cut all communication with you and make it hard for you from that point onward.
Best wishes to you. I hope you get to the truth of this whether you're the father or not. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/6/2009 3:16:10 PM | So my lawyer has informed me that there is not a whole lot that can be done until the birth of the child. Under family law legislation in British Columbia, until the birth the "child" is not considered a "child" until it is born. Therefore I have no rights until the birth.
To obtain an injunction against her to prevent her from fleeing of leaving the jurisdiction I will need to file through the Supreme Court in order to act prior to the birth.
There is also the option of waiting until the birth, then can file through the Provincial Court which apparently is easier, and less time consuming.
In order to get a paternity test, my ex will have to consent or I can file for a maintenance proceeding against myself.
Just a little bit of information if anyone else finds themselves in a similar position (which I hope that no one ever does). | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/6/2009 5:35:26 PM |
In order to get a paternity test, my ex will have to consent or I can file for a maintenance proceeding against myself.
What does THAT mean?
That phrase seems a bit dicy to me. Make sure you check out all the implications on that one.
What bothers me is that if you start a legal proceeding against yourself, you are (may be?) opening up a legal loop-hole for her to come back on you if you are NOT the father...
... make sure you get all the necessary info from your lawyer.
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Posted: 3/6/2009 6:29:01 PM | To OP, I swear some people are so self centered they don't care who they hurt or kill. She may be caring the baby in her body but it is a living person and should have the same rights to life that you or I have. Granted there are always chances of complications and a baby might need to be aborted but there is no excuse for any mother to kill there own child. But it is not enough for people to give there baby up for adoption because all they can think about is them selves and how there baby is some where out in the world.
We live in a sad world. and it makes me sad to think about it. | |
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Javex
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Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 43 | |
| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/6/2009 9:28:45 PM | Okay, everybody take a valium.
Lets go with what we know. Because she is 7 1/2 months, the probability of flight risk to the UK is reduced, because in a couple of weeks they won't let her on the plane. Even if she did get to the UK, they are sympathetic towards Canadian laws. So set this concern aside.
There are number of theories about her behaviour, but that's all they are, theories. Set that stuff aside too.
When the baby is born in Canada, most likely BC, your rights as a potential father kick in and you can insist on a paternity test. You will probably have an answer in 8-10 weeks one way or the other.
The key is to a. getting the paternity test, and b. paying for it. Try, try, try to work things out with the mother to agree to this. If this does not work you are going to need a lawyer. You are also going to have to pay for this test.
Make the appointment now to see if you qualify for Legal Aid. Maybe even a fundraiser is in order.
When that baby is born, everything changes. Believe me when I tell you that you will move heaven and earth for that baby when he looks at you and you hold him. Maybe the mother will change too; she is going to need the support. | |
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| PLANNED PREGNANCY GONE........????
Posted: 3/6/2009 11:24:12 PM | According to my lawyer, there are basically three ways in which a paternity test could be obtained which are as follows:
1. My Ex consents to a Paternity Test.
2. My Ex Files for a Maintenance proceeding to obtain child support.
3. I file for Maintenance against myself (Which I would only be liable for once it is proven that I am the father).
Any of the above would be fine by me. They all provide the same outcome, proof of paternity. Family Maintenance / Child Support is not an issue. I am more than willing to help out in order to provide the best for my son. My only concern is access to my child. I want nothing more than to be a part of his life.
I have been assured that in the event that I am not the father, I am not accountable for maintenance as we were not married, or were we common law. | |
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Posted: 3/6/2009 11:28:20 PM | 3980trip
I am not pro nor am I against abortions. I do believe that every situation is different and needs to be looked at accordingly. | |
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Posted: 3/6/2009 11:55:25 PM | If everything about your original post is above board then, its a little strange.....but what follows makes it stranger still...in fact quite creepy. Smacks of possessiveness. IN my mind she had her reason's for what she did. Non of which involved wanting you as the father. That stands out to me more than anything, it may sound harsh but thats just how I see it.
You found all these things out how, and what makes you think "keeping tabs" on her is your right. It sounds more like she was trying to escape a situation that she didnt want her child in. | |
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Posted: 3/7/2009 12:43:55 AM | mackey,
Once she initially did what she did and said what she said, I gave her the space she needed. She said her mind was made up, and there was nothing I could do or say to change it. For four months, I had no clue of anything, until it was brought to my attention.
I was initially informed that there was the possibility that she was still pregnant from a mutual friend who seen that some ultrasound photos were posted on a networking page (this is where copies were obained - in the top left hand corner was her name) of hers. And for anyone curious, yes it was Facebook.
Of course once this was brought to my attention, I did have to investigate.
For the final straw, another friend of mine who was full term offered to bump into her and spark up some conversation. Now most pregnant women find it easy to talk to other pregnant women. This was where I found out quite a fair bit of information, such as the name and sex as well as the due date. My friend asked my ex about the father, and my ex's response only finalized what I presumed and assumed.
Now put yourself into my shoes, would you not want to know what might be going on? Would you not want to be prepared if there was the possibility that a child of yours was being brought into this world?
I was raised without a father, and it only affected me in the end. I vowed to never do the same.
So if your opinion remains the same, I could only assume what kind of person you are and what actions you would take if the tables were turned.
But thank you for your comment, as it opens my eyes as to what others are like. | |
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Posted: 3/7/2009 1:08:33 AM | | No my opinion has changed after reading your explaination, but seeing as I have seen people in those same circumstances I am always wary, and tend to want a bit more information. Although my original opinion that for some reason she has chosen not to include you still stands. It may have nothing to do with you and may a product of something else, better to find out what that reason is, then you may be able to solve the situation together anyway. Just because Im male doesnt always mean I will take the males side though, without a more fuller picture. The fact that I choose to take the responsiblity of both of my children full time also speaks for itself. | |
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Posted: 3/7/2009 5:29:45 AM | | I am so sorry shorty but it sounds like she was just looking for a sperm donor but did not have the money to go to a sperm bank. You were free and convenient. Get your behind in court and have your paternity and rights established. From the way she handled this situation from the beginning it does not sound like she will be civil no matter how nicely you approach her about being a father to your child. This is your right so don't let her take it away from you. Your child will thank you for being a good dad when he grows up. It is tragic when a child has to make do without a father. | |
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Posted: 3/7/2009 10:11:42 AM | Mackeyjones,
You have my respect for stepping up to the plate with your situation. There are so many others that would do the opposite and gladly wipe their hands clean of all responsibility. | |
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