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| | You have kids….do you let him stay over?Page 2 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) | | I disagree children do not have to get attached so easily if appropriate boundaries are set. It is easy enough to make it clear that someone is not a replacement for daddy and that adults have adult appropriate relationships. my kids grew up with that and are fine we also have an open relationship with regards to them discussing issues of sexuality which come up for them. ops attitude causes more problems than it solves in my opinion and experience. So yes, im with djdaddyjinx and the others so neh neh neh neh neh ..... | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 5:53:37 AM |
There's not enough details given for anyone here to be judgmental about the posters so called friend. Unlikely this thread will accomplish anything other than people feeling validated of their own little opinions.
That's what forums are for. The rules allow only 1 thread on any particular subject so people continue to comment on a thread for years even after the OP leaves POF. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:03:45 AM | | I have always believed that it was not a good idea to have kids see people parading in and out of your bed. It sets a very bad example for our kids. On that note, I must admit that my daughter (16), came home early and caught me (didn't see anything). Needless to say, she was hot and I received the third degree after he left. Because I really believed there was a future for he and I, I was not overly upset. I tried to keep it in perspective. My daughter went so far as calling him nothing more than my "f-u-ck buddy." I was shocked when she said that. She eventually calmed down and I did explain to her that I really thought he and I had a future together. I think she was more embarrassed than anything. No kid likes to think of their parent having sex. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:27:23 AM |
so neh neh neh neh neh .....
Umm okayyy. Yeah mature.NOT! Imagine this is the prevailing attitude of those raising the next generation. No wonder kids are so screwed up. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 6:37:37 AM | | I think the answer depends on alotta factors -- the age of the child, the length of and reason for the other parent's absence, the length and seriousness of the current relationship, how the partner is received by the child, and an individual's own moral standards. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:10:03 AM | | banana anna....im sorry you didnt realise i was joking and was aware that it was clearly playful banter to lighten things up...thats all. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 7:29:10 AM | I actually think you do more damage by trying to hide than being at least open that you have a friend and it happens to be the oppossite sex (well maybe not in every case). Parading them in and out would be wrong but, a gradual introduction isnt such a bad thing either.
Imagine if you thought your kids had no sex life and all of a sudden your walking in to find them romping around the bedroom. I guess it would be a bit of a shock.
I tend to notice, that the parents that happen to be the one that is not in that situation tend to come down hard on those that are, more than a bit selfish, if the shoe was on the other foot, they dont seem to consider how they would feel.
My ex wife and her boyfriend have been living with each other since, my parents asked her to leave their house (he should have been quicker getting out that window), cant say that I kicked her to the curb at least I made sure she had a bed to sleep in. I have not had any real issue's with my kids knowing that they were sleeping together, nor with the fact that they spent every second weekend there, after everything settled down.
My kids have both seen me in that situation as well, it took me a while for them to be introduced into it...
I would say my kids are well adjusted, it seems to me 9 times out of 10 it goes back to parents having a problem with it, usually because of jealousy or other issue's...sleep overs where just that...sleep overs
Id say personally kids have problems when they find out their parent is not being open with them. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:15:56 AM | | I see first hand the insecurities, etc. that my b/f's daughter feels about her mother having moved in with her b/f after 4 months of meeting him. This is a shared custody situation where the daughter is shuffled from one house to the other every second week. Divorce is hard enough for a child to comprehend without confusing their young lives even further with your own relationships with someone else being factored in. Children often deal with the misconception that they somehow are responsible for divorce in the first place...that's just the way kids' minds work. It's my rule that I will not see my b/f during the weeks he has his daughter. Between him working and only getting to see her every second week, as far as I'm concerned, that's his time to spend with her and concentrate on her. I can see if you're planning on living together in a long-term relationship, yes, then things have to be discussed about how the living arrangements will change. However, if you are maintaining strictly a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, don't be so selfish to figure that your child will just have to suck it up that they again have to fragment their life further by sharing their limited time with you with someone else. Not enough thinking goes on in a lot of cases when it comes to how a child must feel - they can't adequately verbalize it. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:28:32 AM | What do kids have to deal with? I mean, beyond the normal scope of life? You think they should be hidden from "life" because of divorce or death? Unfortunately death happens, and divorce, and teasing at school, and studying for tests, and deciding if your shoes are cool enough the list goes on but it's part of life. I do not, for the life of me, understand (unless you have a revolving door) why people think that kids can't handle their parents having a boyfriend or girlfriend who might, on occasion stay over. Like I said... the bedroom shouldn't have a revolving door on it... and as parents I know it's our job to put them first... and the good ones do. But we are also to teach them life lessons. That includes that sometimes divorce, a very shitty thing, doesn't mean that life ends as we know it. And if you find someone who is so great that you want to share more.... when the time is right, then so be it. Who are you to assume that adds unnecessary grief? Give the kids some credit. They're not cripples, they're learning about life and love and all the in between stuff.
I'm just sayin' | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 8:29:13 AM | OK Big Daddy Jinx, but you don't have children.
Let's say you always have HEALTHY adult relationships. If you are a single parent for 10-15 years that can be a lot of healthy people in and out of your bed.
I prefer my home to be rated PG. We can laugh at fart jokes but that is as bawdy as it gets. | |
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Rush™
| | Joined: 2/17/2009
Msg: 36 | |
| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 9:05:58 AM |
I guess Im odd ball out........
I don't see anything wrong with a "lover" coming over after the children are in bed....and leaving before they wake. If I trust someone well enough to have sex with them, surely I trust them enough in my home......after all " your body is your temple"
Say if you are in a commited relationship for example, I don't see anything wrong with letting your SO spends nights at your home. Or if the relationship isn't serious, but the two you of have just been dating. If you think you can trust that person, then I don't think it would do the kids any harm.
I'm not referring to some random guy you met in a bar. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 9:18:13 AM | | If you hide it, you give the signal that what you are doing is wrong. And there's nothing wrong with having a relationship. Now if all you are doing is sleeping around is one thing, but hiding how two adults interact with one another in front of children is in my book a better role model. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 10:32:43 AM | Seeing that the OP doesn't have any children under 18 at home, it seems she was just weighing in on her friend's arrangement, which is all well and good if the friend asked her opinion. But from the disapproving tone of her post, I'm guessing its yet another case of someone trying to impose their sense of right and wrong on others, and there's the rub. She says that its the friend's love that is sleeping over, not a bunch of random guys that she is just shacking up with here and there. Unless the child's welfare is in direct and immediate danger, its simply not her business.
I can only speak to my own personal experiences where this subject is concerned, both as a one time single father, and as someone who has both dated and been involved in long term relationships with single moms. As far as my son, both when I had him for weekends when he was younger, and when he lived with me for a few years as a teen, there was only one time when any woman slept over at our home while he was there. Although on two occasions I did move in with someone, once when he was 3 and again when he was 10, and he of course was with me there on the weekends. Prior to that I sat him down and discussed it with him, at what I felt was his level of understanding for his age. Of course before moving in with my GF when he was 10, we had family sleepovers at both her house (she had 2 little ones) and my apartment, to see how blending our families would go for everyone.
I've known women I've been involved with that have had older teenagers (15-18) and have discussed first with mom and then the teens themselves about me staying overnight. In that case I've even asked them if they minded and sought their permission, since its their home, and letting them know their opinion matters too. I've never encountered anything except grateful appreciation from mom and teens for dealing with what can be a delicate subject directly and honestly.
As far as me staying with a GF, I would never stay with someone who had small children if it was only an idle dalliance, nor would I ever sneak in and out while the kids were asleep. If it were serious however, we would discuss it ahead of time, first amongst ourselves but then with the kids too (again, at a level of understanding their age permits), after they had met me, spent time with me and knew who I was. I think its far more damaging for a child to wake up in the middle of the night and find a man in their home or in mom's bed unexpectedly than for them to know who that person is and that he will be there certain nights.
As I learned from being a father, kids are not only very impressionable, but wonderfully adaptable too, much more so than adults, and more than adults give them credit for either. Mixed families are a reality today; its also a reality that sometimes mixed families and relationships don't work out and adults move on, and in that case, the kids will move on too and survive just fine, no matter how much you miss them. When they see mom or dad happy in a stable, loving relationship, they'll get used to it and will be happy too, at least from what I've seen in my experiences. What's most important is to keep their sense of trust intact. I've always said that I don't think its necessarily a parent's job to make sure a child has a happy childhood, and certainly not to shield them from the world. Rather its to make sure they grow up seeing the world as it really is, and are capable of functioning in that world as reasonably happy, well-adjusted and productive adults.
As Dennis Miller used to say, "Of course that's just my opinion, I could be wrong." | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 10:44:44 AM |
If you hide it, you give the signal that what you are doing is wrong.
Only if you hide it badly.
If it 's really hidden, you send no signal at all. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 11:35:25 AM | Most of the time I agree with BDJ, but I don't think anyone can know what they will do until they have kids.
I have a daughter in high school and I definitely don't want her thinking that it's okay to engage in premarital sex. I know I did it. I know that may be contradictory, but I have to do what I think is best for her now.
It would be so easy to sleep with a woman with my kids in the next room. I've been tempted before, but I do think it's best if you try to set some kind of example for the kids. When she's an adult, I will see things differently. I want her to believe that sex should be with someone you love and want to be with the rest of your life.
If you have people sleeping over when they're young, you lose the ability to tell them it's wrong for them to do it. That may not matter when they're 20, 25, or even 30, but it sure does matter when they're 15, 16, and 17 years old. I talk to my kids all the time about the danger of having sex too young and how it can ruin your life and your chance to experience the world. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 11:58:42 AM | If he is more than a new aquaintence..yes and the son has met the man.
I would hope she only does this with someone she dates for a longtime..
Kids hearts can be broken easily too...
they get attached and get hurt when you break up. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 12:00:39 PM | | I have 2 boys, 16&13..but I only have them 50% of the time, (joint custody) I dont let anyone sleep Im my bed if they are at home. I have plenty of time to do that when they are not there. Hell I dont even introduce them to anyone unless I know its going to be a long term thing..I dont parade a bunch of men through their lives | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 12:28:58 PM | Happily Ever Maybe I think you also put my thoughts on paper in a very cogent and reasonable way with examples and thank you for the whole talking it over with the kids thing. Very considerate but also smart in terms of easing through the transition to the point that everyone is comfortable with things.
That may not matter when they're 20, 25, or even 30, but it sure does matter when they're 15, 16, and 17 years old. I talk to my kids all the time about the danger of having sex too young and how it can ruin your life and your chance to experience the world.
This is the biggest load of hog wash. There are many behaviors that parents/adults are allowed that kids don't. I have a beer or a daiquiri every once in a while, my kids don't think that this gives them carte blanche to drink.
I have been very honest with my kids about my past and I am honest with them about the life I lead now. I waited until I was 18 and I was still not emotionally ready for sex and my kids know that. My daughter thinks that premarital sex is wrong period. She doesn't think badly of others' choices but she believes this is right for her.
I have taught my boys that they should also be old enough to deal with the emotions that go along with sex and go beyond waiting for a girl to say no to really knowing that they want to do it and not because they are afraid the guy will dump them or even to make him happy when she doesn't really want to become intimate yet.
My kids also know that I was absolutely appalled when my stepson lived with us. He was 16 and many of his friends parents allowed the boyfriend or girlfriend to spend the night. That is ludicrous. My kids know how I feel about the way they should conduct themselves but this is ultimately their decision. They are not going to refrain from having sex because I tell them not to. By treating them like thinking human beings, giving them information and acknowledging that this is a decision only they can make for themselves but I want to make sure they are safe emotionally as well as physically, my kids have no desire to run out and get laid at the first opportunity.
Most people here are not discussing casual relationships or parading multiple partners through the bedroom and coincidentally, my son is home with a broken collar bone and I just asked him if he would think he could just run around having sex because he knew I was actually having sex and he said, well duh, no.
Reread Happily's post, kids are much more sophisticated than most people give them credit for and I think the only way a kid would get the impression that it was okay for them as a kid to have sex at a young age would be the case that there are multiple partners and mom or dad is running around bedding everyone in sight because they are having some delusional 60s flashback. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 12:34:16 PM | I think it is situation specific as well as there is a double standard between fathers having their lover over versus mothers. Also a casual lover and someone you are in a relationship with is different.
I think people would more look down on a mother having her lover/bf over versus a man raising his child having his gf/lover over...heck, some people might view it as a good thing to have a female presence in the home.
My bf has a 5 yr old child and initially I didnt really stay over on the days he had his son but then as we became more serious, I did. We don't have sex and carry on though. I babysit his son and I get a long with him and he finds it important for me to be around him.
I think it really depends on the situation for it to be appropriate and there is also an imbalance as I can say that if I was the one with a child maybe due to society's influence on what is proper for women...I wouldn't do it.But not b/c society frowns on things necessarily means they are wrong. You can uniquely conduct your personal affairs in ways appropriate and healthy for you and your family IMO. You can find ways to make it work.
But always put your child's safety first....and be aware...set boundaries. But even biological parents can harm kids so in general be mindful and responsible. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 12:48:46 PM | | It depends largely on the age of the child too. I'm thinking that a 16 or 17 year old has much more stability than a 6 or 10 year old when it comes to how male/female relationshps work because they've started to deal with some of them on their own. It also depends on how long you have been separated and/or divorced from their biological parent. Regardless, unless you're actually contemplating living with the b/f or g/f and it's definitely headed that direction, where's this huge need to sleep with them while your children are present? If you can't find any other more discreet method of getting your rocks of, you're forcing your children to accept the situation, no matter how "nice a talk" you have with them. Hogwash can be thrown in either direction. Let's not forget, too, kids will give you the answers they know you want to hear. If it's not that big of a deal to have these occasional sleepovers with the person you are dating, then why aren't you living with or married to the peson you're sleeping with? Given the scenario of I can do this that and the other thing because I'm an adult but you can't, does this also mean that you can get fall down drunk in front of them, smoke pot in front of them, etc., just because you're the parent? When it comes to kids, practice what you preach or practice what you do away from them. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 1:04:53 PM | We don't have sex and carry on though
I hope you mean in front of them, married or single (without someone else in there) my kids know they dont open the door without knocking first...unless the house is on fire. Its called having your "own space". | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 1:08:49 PM | | It is up to each parent to decide how they want to deal with this. For me having a date spend the night is a good thing and it has never bothered my kids. I don't know why it would. I am glad my kids and I do not have a problem with this as some one that has the kids 24 and 7 for months at a time without the ex taking them. Some "church ladies" have probles with this, but lucky for me I am not a chuch lady. Now if you don't want to have men sleep over when your kids are home don't, but coming from some one with kids that has done it I know there are no bad effects. Adults have date that might sleep over is normal, grow up. Now a sexualy frustated parent that can cause more unnecessary grief lol. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 2:14:22 PM | I wouldn't bring a string of guys I was dating home to even meet my kids, much less spend the night. I'd sooner just have sex in the car.
However, there is one man in my life who comes over, has dinner with us, sometimes stays over, bring donuts in the morning, goes on our family vacations, brings groceries, goes to family events, etc.
I knew him for four months before I invited him over for pizza and a movie with the kids. We weren't dating exclusively, but I was feeling like I wanted another adult around sometimes and it wasn't fair to my kids, especially my oldest, to have to fulfill that need in my life. I realized I was treating her like the other adult in the house, which isn't fair.
Even though I wasn't ready for a long term love interest, I knew we would always be friends, because he had remained good friends with other women he has dated and would still move their furniture or watch their dog, or anything he could to help a friend. We had a talk about me still dating others if I felt like it, and he said he understood that I wasn't ready to settle down, he can't expect me to be emotionally ready for a relationship just because he is, when he has had more than three years since his last long term relationship and I just got out of a twelve year marriage with three kids! But he still wanted to be the "man" in my life when I needed one and knew my expectations were that he would be consistent and stay friends.
I'm really glad I allowed him into our life. The kids really needed to see that men don't always act like children and treat me like crap! It was important to me to model a healthy relationship between adults.
Because he works really early in the morning, after a couple months of coming over for dinner, TV shows, bringing groceries and tucking the kids in, it was just accepted that he was too tired to drive home and he would leave early in the morning. We cuddle when we watch TV, so it's not so outrageous to accept that we fall asleep together, too.
We just take one day at a time, and have been for over a year. I think I chose wisely in finding the kind of person who wanted to fulfill the role of being a man in my life, but doesn't need to "own" me in order to enjoy our time together. I don't know where it will go or for how long, but the kids have told me that they like being around ME more when he's around!! So that should tell you something!
I think that when you bring someone into the lives of your children, you should have a stable relationship---not a starter relationship or, lets see how this goes.... You should have known them long enough to know what their character is like, and have evidence of how they have handled past relationships. I know I don't want to be someone's wife or girlfriend right now, but I managed to find a something that is stable. I think that's the key. I'm hot and cold, still have issues to work out before really wanting a real relationship again, but I was smart enough to chose someone who is stable and isn't going to be an ass in front of my kids, or piss me off so much that I have to tell mykids that he's not going to be around anymore, or go mental if things don't work out the way he envisioned.... | |
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| Here...
Posted: 3/3/2009 2:46:46 PM |
Granted, I don't have kids presently, but that aside, I still don't fathom the obtuse logic going on here.
...I'll try to explain.
Most people...if they were honest...would admit that the threshold of trust and familiarity with someone who you find attractive before you sleep with them is fairly low.
Most people...if they have sense...would say the threshold for introducing someone to your children as "trusted" is pretty high.
Now, children...being children...aren't able to parse the difference between "mommy trusts this man enough to make her holla...frankly because mommy REALLY needs to do some hollering" and "mommy actually TRUSTS this man, so you should feel comfortable around him"
Bringing someone into your home to a child implies TRUST. A child doesn't have the discernment to understand sometimes, as adults, we take known and calculated risks...like when we are horny and need to get laid...risk that we would not impose on a child.
Personally, as a guy, I consider this EXTREMELY red flag behavior. I have never had what I would consider a "positive" relationship with a woman who either made mention that she had done this in the past...or presented me with the opportunity. Indeed, if I find out about it BEFORE we start knocking boots...we don't knock boots.
IMHO...an emotionally mature, responsible and well balanced woman would not do this. Again...RED FLAG.
I used to feel there was no need to bring people you date around kids until there have been discussions about blending families and marriage. That even if you have been dating someone for MONTHS...there is no need to introduce that person into your children's lives. Accordingly, no one i have ever dated has met my son. What benefit would there be?
That said, my son is 6. And my last GF...mother two teenage girls...explain that with older children, at some point you have to make an introduction so that your children don't feel that part of your life is being hidden from them. And so...after...6 months maybe...of us dating, I met her kids...and over time developed a relationship with them.
I never, ever, EVER slept in that house with those kids however, and never would. And she never suggested I should. | |
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| You have kids….do you let him stay over?
Posted: 3/3/2009 2:57:23 PM | No he is whatever you're wanton a mind feverently imagines.
He should give you wide berth.
We are not all bad, and time should be taken to work out which ilk we belong too.
additionally people have there own lives to lead, lose the spanner...or choose wisely.
sighs
(but in the same ilk if your hitting on everything that moves or >3 dates per annum then this slipper wearer advises nae too
wicked shoe theory and lampost theorem hold true for the many.
Tooters of to await doughnut day
for those who know me that be Wednesdays
(god bless ye maam) | |
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