| Fun One Liners
Posted: 2/26/2006 10:07:35 AM | My wife said she wanted to go on vacation, n try something new... i said try the kitchen
If I want anymore B.S outta you I'll scrap it off your teeth.
Cheers.  | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 2/26/2006 11:01:59 PM | I've found most of these ones over the last couple of years and been saving them in Word. I wrote many of them, posted them to many sites and i am delighted to see some of the ones i've written posted on this thread.
Enjoy
Out of my mind right now…feel free to leave a message.
Forget the "ugly stick"...That guy fell out of the "UGLY TREE"...and hit every branch on the way down.
I intend to live forever…So far so good
Damn right I’m good in bed…I can sleep for hours
I love rainbows I love rain I love you and um... I forgot the rest, but I think you’re hot
Friends don’t let friends drink and take home ugly chicks!
Lower the lid, ladies present...a wet behind is most unpleasant!
If guys had periods, they'd be bragging about the size of their pad!!!
I’m planning for the future. I bought two cases of beer instead of one
If the grass looks greener on the other side, water your grass!
Does anyone know another word for thesaurus?
Dyslexics of the world...UNTIE!
The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is, however, twice as large as it needs to be
48.9% of statistics are made up on the spot.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.
I would like to say a few words: Potatoes, echo, watermelon, lawnmower, eggbeater, chicken, elephant, yoga and bl*wj*b… Naw, I’m gonna hold on to that one.
I was wondering why the Frisbee kept getting bigger...Then it hit me!
In my own little world…Itz ok…they know me here.
There's more to life than just sitting in an uncomfortable chair in front of the computer all day. Go out and buy a nice comfortable chair.
Fact: You have just read this sentence
TRYING TO FIND OUT HOW TO TURN THIS STUPID CAPS LOCK OFF!!!
There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to bang a fish?
And the best for last(I didn't write them I just like em):
Curing A.D.D. is as easy as 1,2…Wow…look…a bird!!!
Any woman, who thinks that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, flunked Sex-Ed!
Whew...done.
Chris. | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 2/27/2006 1:42:41 AM | | If they put teflon on pans so nothing sticks to your pans, what holds on the teflon ? | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 2/27/2006 2:54:58 AM | this is a bit dirty but...."there is no such thing as rape, only surprise sex."
"I've gone to find myself, if I get back before I return, keep me here."
"if there is such a thing as heaven on earth it'd be in your arms"
last ones' a little cheesy but oh well | |
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Geves
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Joined: 6/5/2005
Msg: 230 | |
| Fun One Liners
Posted: 2/28/2006 12:17:11 AM | It's my world ****, you just live here.
got some other interesting ones, but i don't know if they would be appreaciated on here. | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 2/28/2006 5:48:16 AM | Here's my motto...
It only offends those it pertains to,
so if your offended I know I don't want to hang out with you.
Now call your proctologist back, he found your head. | |
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Geves
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Joined: 6/5/2005
Msg: 232 | |
| Fun One Liners
Posted: 3/7/2006 10:17:10 PM | | it takes 44 muscles to frown and 4 to reach across and **** slap the mother****er | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 4/20/2006 8:58:33 AM | My brother used to tell me this one:
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left. | |
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Suga13
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Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 234 | |
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| funny one liners
Posted: 4/21/2006 10:28:51 AM | | family members are like ***holes everybody has one | |
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| funny one liners
Posted: 4/21/2006 2:31:49 PM | I was such an ugly baby...
...that my mom never breast fed me,
she told me that she only liked me as a friend.
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 4/21/2006 6:08:31 PM | ive gone to find myself, if i should happen to stop by, keep me here until i ve returned
thoughts for 2006
Number 10 - Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see
him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down
the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying
in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It
pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred
dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with mad cow disease is located
among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got
a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are
located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge
of Immigration and Homeland Security. | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/4/2006 8:54:58 PM | To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at em?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/5/2006 12:45:44 AM | | .....What does a chair fart sound like?,.... get uhff meh. | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/6/2006 2:27:25 AM | | If I wanted your opinion I would give it to you. | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/7/2006 1:34:23 PM | | "Oh - I'm sick of being so healthy!" - Homer Simpson | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/7/2006 2:10:53 PM | | If it's threatening me, I'll throw a rock at it and kill it. | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/8/2006 2:41:04 PM | My Karma ran over your dogma
Good cowgirls keep their calves together
In my opinion a horse is the animal to have. 1100lbs of solid muscle, power, grace, and sweat between your legs - its something you just can't find in a man
Girls should not marry basketball players, they dribble before they shoot
Foolish man gives wife grand piano, wise man gives wife upright organ
He who farts in church sits in his own pew
Life is sexually transmitted | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/8/2006 7:14:25 PM | | American, Canadian, and a Newfie walk into a bar. Bartender turns to them and asks, what is this? Some kind of joke?? | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/8/2006 8:07:28 PM | | what do you do if your boyfriends stumbling in the backyard????????shoot em again. | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/8/2006 9:52:27 PM | Rape is no laughing matter..... unless you are raping a clown
I was once walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me...... didn't hear it. - Steven Wright
Urinals are 50% universal
Beer is not bought , it is only rented for a short time.
Don't take this one seriously but..... What do you do if the kitchen light burns out?, screw it let her cook in the dark.
Ok i know I will catch shat for the last one but it is not meant in any way seriously. | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/8/2006 11:03:59 PM | | You know why Cow Girls are bow-legged..................because Cow Boys don't take off their hats when they eat ! | |
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/8/2006 11:27:50 PM | Here is what you say to virgin when she sneezes.............."Goes In Tight" !
The three two letter words that denote small are.............."Is It In" !
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane !
If your girlfriend starts smoking.....................slow the heck down and use dome lubricant !
I tired doing "Coke" once and the ice cubes got stuck in my nose !
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding !
Never, never go to a doctor, who's office plants have died !
You know why they call it "PMS"..............because "Mad Cow Disease" was alredy taken !
What's a diaphragm..........................................a trampoline for****eads !
Pinocchio found out he was made of wood......................when his hands caught fire !
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods, so she ran up to him, knocked him flat on his back.............sat on his face, and yelled,..........."Lie To Me....Lie To Me" !
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball............................she gagged !
Okay, here is the difference between "oooooh" and "aaaaaaaaaaaaah....about three inches !
How do make five pounds of fat look good.....................put a nipple on it !
Guys you want to clear out a men's restroom like a rocket, walk in and say...."Nice**** !
I used to be a lifeguard here in Florida, .........but some little Blue Kid got me fired !
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it..................I said "Implants" !
Save The Whales............................................collect the whole set !
Well that's it for now folks.............catch my next show on 9/15/06. Keep in mind Jesus loves you,...............it's everyone else that thinks you're an A S S !........
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| Fun One Liners
Posted: 9/9/2006 10:45:22 PM | Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. 
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. 
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Im not a tease just a reminder of what you can't have. 
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.. :
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Wiliams. | |
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