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 johninsd
Joined: 3/2/2009
Msg: 224
What does Friends First really mean?Page 10 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

So when does the friends end and the "maybe more" start? I just think it unnecessarily complicates it because subconsciously the "maybe more" is hanging around in the back of your grey matter....haha.


I believe you are absolutely correct! You have to not be thinking about the "...or more" to really start a friendship.


I like to keep it simple, my profile states looking for friends and the text profile doesn't indicate anything else or different. Reason being I'm open to getting to know someone as a friend...PERIOD. If you have some subconscious "well what if" then it screws up just getting to know someone as you would a friend.


Yup. You do run the "risk" of potentially good people passing you by if you only have the "Friend" box checked, not dating or relationships or whatnot. But you already know that!

This is why I sometimes like to do random events, like from meetup or something... you're meeting people who enjoy camping or astronomy or cooking or whatever, instead of specifically looking to date. That's a much better way to find "friends first"!
 SanctumErased
Joined: 3/10/2010
Msg: 225
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/14/2010 7:09:51 PM
Men being friends with a female without any attraction is almost unheard of. For a female it's pretty easy. A guy will always be attracted to a female one way or another, despite what the title is. I'm not saying this as an absolute, of course there are guys who want girls just to be friends, but honestly, if we're going by a dating site. Just squash the saying friends first, 99.9% of the time he's not here for a friend. Can't have your cake and eat it too, unless you're a damn good baker and you know your stuff.
Friends first is lame way to get to know someone, it'll always cause confusion, and you'll always second guess your thoughts and actions. I'm sorry but that's just the way it is. If you're already entering a place and expecting it to go this way, why tell him it has to go the other way first? I don't recall being able to go two ways in a one way street. Just saying.
But this thread will go on till the end of time because it basically boils down to people and their opinions, either way I'm taking the side of the "No, friends first doesn't make sense" Side.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 226
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/14/2010 7:36:53 PM
"Yup. You do run the "risk" of potentially good people passing you by if you only have the "Friend" box checked, not dating or relationships or whatnot. But you already know that!"

I run the risk when I throw a leg out of bed in the morning...take a shower...make coffee!! Yes, I do know that and firmly believe in fate (okay well something else, it's my faith...won't go there, that's another thread).

I'm sure you've heard that hindsight is always 20/20, I can't say for every single situation but for so many, I understood after. I couldn't see at the time, but it all made sense and fell into place. That's why I trust that there is always a reason for everything that happens, whether I see the why or not. My car overheated, drove to the mechanics, called my work....heard later there was a huge wreck on the bridge. I would have otherwise been driving there, about that time. Sure you've heard similar stories. It could be that I wouldn't have BEEN there or in the wreck, just saying.

(Almost..haha) anyone and everyone IS potentially "good". I don't bank on potential, otherwise I'd be trading on the stock market (ehh...well Dow is GREAT right now!) but I think you get my drift. Potentially good for me, passing me by..if it's a risk, I'll take that one.

SNAP! Thanks, another topic for AAG!
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 227
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/14/2010 8:42:56 PM
Bucs!

I have not read the entire thread, but I'm just saying that "friends first" is a safety precaution to see that you and the other person actually like and respect each other before taking the plunge. It's kind of like sticking your toe into the water to check the temperature of if anything predatory is out to get you.

It's really simple given the state of the world, which I shan't go into.
 Zuglo
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 228
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/15/2010 3:39:26 AM
I believe you are absolutely correct! You have to not be thinking about the "...or more" to really start a friendship.

I agree...That's why I just can't understand why can't I hang out with Sally if I enjoy her company, and worry that she might start thinking "more"?
And if she does, lets' talk..An innocent gift, gesture, comment could turn things into "more"?..Hm...I don't get it..
Potentially good for me? Well, maybe, but guess we'll never know since she passed me by. It's OK, and that's the risk I'll take as well.
But it's not really a risk taking, more likely we weren't on a same page from the beginning, meaning she read my profile, and since there is no mentioning soul mate, life partner, my better half, so she passed on it.

can be totally great and enjoyable to enjoy someone's company without having to wonder what their hidden agenda is.

Yes, I would like that too..Would like that very much..Guess you try to be as clear as possible in your profile, in your emails, on the phone, at the meet, but sometimes Sally still thinks "more" after awhile, just becasue she met your kids, or family,or spending "too much" time together..

Um..what is AAG?
 Zuglo
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 229
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/15/2010 4:13:39 AM
If you don't want to be a couple, guy or girl, it is your responsibility to factor in what things mean

Really? OK..Well, to me a steak dinner is a steak dinner!
Now I have to worry about what that means? Gees..
I am not going to think anything into it.
Now if it's a candle light dinner, with soft romantic music in a back round, dimmed light, yeah, that would make me wonder.
And it's not about who's fault it is, but if she does anything for me knowing that what I am not looking for, sort of trying to trick me into something, or trying to amp thing up, without me knowing? Well, I don't know what to call that?
What gives her a right? It's like she says, Zuglo I'll never move in with you, and I say, OK, I understand, but just saying that your furniture would look good in my living room. OK, that might not be the best example, but I hope it does make sense.
Bottom line is, she tells me I am making streak tonight, wanna came over, to me it will mean just that. A steak dinner!
Not going to put on a tux, and she will be in her sweats..So, no romantic BS..
She throws in a BJ? It just makes it a great night!
Sometimes women makes a move, and she just wants some company, becasue the BJ won't be the end of things, and she knows it.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 230
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/15/2010 9:07:03 AM

Really? OK..Well, to me a steak dinner is a steak dinner! Now I have to worry about what that means? Gees..

March 14th is Steak & BJ Day -- a guy's Valentine's Day! THAT was what I was referring to in my post. :) So yes, you have to bear that in mind, if you want to have a set "distance". Over time, either party is fully capable and will move things closer or possibly further away.

Now if it's a candle light dinner, with soft romantic music in a back round, dimmed light, yeah, that would make me wonder.

Yes... her preparing Steak & BJ Day for you would actually probably send a stronger signal than that, but both should make you wonder about bringing things closer if that's something you wish to avoid. You can't have your steak & (have her) eat it too! ;)

if she does anything for me knowing that what I am not looking for, sort of trying to trick me into something, or trying to amp thing up, without me knowing? Well, I don't know what to call that?

Oh, I'm not saying a guy or girl can't do a few things that amp things up in THEIR mind, sure. My point is that you're responsible for connecting the dots that are being layed out if you wish to prevent getting more serious. If you aren't paying attention, then yeah, that's your fault -- you rolled with it. They can only "hide" amping things up by downplaying a gift, a particular type of seemingly significant outing... but some of those things you can't downplay too much... or if they could, done too many times, then yeah, you have to recognize that. You don't have to be an analyst -- it's obvious if you merely pay attention.

It's like she says, Zuglo I'll never move in with you, and I say, OK, I understand, but just saying that your furniture would look good in my living room.

That would sound like you want her to move in with you. If she ends up moving in with you, she changed her mind. Pretty simple, right?

she tells me I am making streak tonight, wanna came over, to me it will mean just that. A steak dinner!

I could see if you were clueless about March 14th being Steak & BJ day and didn't get the hint with all the winks... set up a steak dinner at your place, and went down on yours while you ate the food version she cooked... then I could would say no, that's not your fault for taking it SO far. HOWEVER, still, doing all that says a lot. Not just what a mere 'friend' would do, or even a F-buddy would do. It is a couples-type-thang by default. And if you knew it was Steak & BJ day, that'd definitely be your responsibility for going with amping things up. Again, it is a dinner she's making; a sexy-couple holiday, and not just a "BJ day" for any people at the bar in the parking lot -- a couples holiday.

Not going to put on a tux, and she will be in her sweats..So, no romantic BS..

True, those things would be obvious signs. But one of the original things I said, many couples never had a candle-lit dinner, romantic music in the background, big-time formal dates... so they're not required to BE a couple.

You do have to put 2-and-2 together and realize what's happening. You can't say, "Well, I told her I don't want to be a couple..." and then as time rolls on down the road just refer to that, and roll with things that couples do. That's my point.

And if I'm in a situation where I don't want to be a couple -- sure, a BJ is one thing. Having her even cook me a steak dinner, for a one-on-one dinner date at someone's place? I wouldn't want to go down that route, even if it wasn't Steak & BJ Day, if we were not platonic and didn't want to amp things up. Avoid what couples do -- blatant romantic accessories are just one type of thing indicating couple-oriented stuff -- not the benchmark to decide "yay" or "nay" to whether 2 people are a couple or not.
 Zuglo
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 231
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/16/2010 4:44:40 AM

I could see if you were clueless about March 14th being Steak & BJ day

Yes, I admit I never heard of it..
Well, there is always next year..Marking my calendar..



That would sound like you want her to move in with you. If she ends up moving in with you, she changed her mind. Pretty simple, right?

Hm..I guess it wasn't a greatest example..Lemme try it again..
We were talking about faults..Kind of..Anyway, what I was trying to say is, if she tell me Zuglo I like you, but I don't think about moving in with you, and I say OK, I understand . But then a few days later I start mentioning how good her furniture would look in my living room, it would show her that I didn't take her saying she doesn't think about moving in together seriously, right?
So, even tho we enjoy hanging out, meet families, etc, it's my fault to think there is something more going on, becasue she clearly told me with her comment that there isn't. So, I have a choice to make. Continue, or decide I want to be with someone who wants more, and break thing up with her.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 232
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/16/2010 12:20:24 PM

Yes, I admit I never heard of it.. Well, there is always next year..Marking my calendar..

Yes you should -- it's a great day. You could only be so lucky for a gal to want to service you in both dimensions like that -- and if she is, she's certainly not a "friend" -- more like wanting to be (if not already) a girlfriend -- so caution in partaking, if you don't want that!

if she tell me Zuglo I like you, but I don't think about moving in with you, and I say OK, I understand.

That directly implies you hinted/asked her about moving in -- you were the one coming off as wanting it to her, and she having to say no, due to that delivery and you ending it with "Okay, I understand"... But that's just her words -- she may or may not really feel that way, but that can't be read by one-liners...

But then a few days later I start mentioning how good her furniture would look in my living room, it would show her that I didn't take her saying she doesn't think about moving in together seriously, right?

Either you're trying to convince her, regardless of how willing or unwilling she really seems to be underneath it all... OR yes, you're convinced she is actually willing to move in but "trying to be cool", and you're just nudging it along, knowing she would like to move in.

So, even tho we enjoy hanging out, meet families, etc, it's my fault to think there is something more going on, becasue she clearly told me with her comment that there isn't.

Yeah, if it's on an obvious scale. Hanging out alone, no. Hanging out a ton, yes. Getting to the family, definitely yes. You'd be responsible for going along with it when it's on a more obvious scale like that. Take someone's words as a grain of salt.

For instance, another analogy: You have a girlfriend. She tells you she is totally committed to you, loves you, etc. But she ends up difting off... always busy... seen at the bars hanging out with some dude... actions (or obvious lack thereof) speak louder than one's words.

Same goes the opposite way. Some people play it "cool, laid back, nothing serious". But if they whip out a tux & set up romantic dinners, want you to meet their family, or want to hang out 4 times a week -- uuhh, they do want something serious.

Another analogy: Girl who says she wants a "nice guy", but ends up going for the "bad boy". What someone thinks is best and wants on paper, may not be what they actually DO desire and end up gravitating toward, right? A girl can say one thing because it's what she thinks is good to want, but ends up wanting something different. Same goes for this situation -- she can act like she's cool and just wants to be lightly casually dating at best, but the actions can end up being more serious than that -- which trumps any lines verbally written in the sand!

And my point is, you have to be aware of where things are going -- not just "Hey, this is fun, I'm comfortable," without being responsible for going along with anything that goes down couplehood alley!

So, I have a choice to make. Continue, or decide I want to be with someone who wants more, and break thing up with her.

OR, if you two are allegedly not Dating, you can be distant for a while to kick it off... don't see her for a week. Be busy. And then, turn down any offers of family meetings or stuff on that level. Just keep things low-key. If she wants more, she wants to date you. If it's uncomfortable for her, then yeah, you'll have to part ways entirely, as far as 'romance' in some sense goes.
 Zuglo
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 233
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/17/2010 6:30:10 AM
OK, I am not going to repeat myself, we are obviously see things differently..
I don't do hinting, and don't take hints well either.
I don't play it cool, and take responsibility for something I didn't do.

You'd be responsible for going along with it when it's on a more obvious scale like that.

What if it's not obvious to me? What if I just take it as she likes me as a friend too?
If to HER things going down couplehood alley, and she confused about it, she should talk to me.
Again..Romantic dinner, candles, yes, those hints I would get..Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, is just that! Meeting family kids, once again, shouldn't mean nothing!
Here is what I stopped doing..I used to held my friend hand..Any friend..Female..
Than I learned, that it's a ..um..couples thing..Hm..To me I was just holding her hand, really didn't think nothing of it.

But that's just her words -- she may or may not really feel that way, but that can't be read by one-liners...

Well, if she doesn't feel that way, why is she saying it than?? And why can't it be read by one-liners..Her telling me that sound pretty clear to me..A clear NO..

OR yes, you're convinced she is actually willing to move in but "trying to be cool", and you're just nudging it along, knowing she would like to move in.

Sigh..why did I used that example??..No she really doesn't want to move in!!
Forget "trying to be cool"..
But it is my fault to think she does! And it's my fault to continue if I want her to move in, because she told me she wont. If I bomb her with dinners, trying to convince her, but she won't budge, it is my fault to think something MORE is going to happen.

A girl can say one thing because it's what she thinks is good to want, but ends up wanting something different. Same goes for this situation -- she can act like she's cool and just wants to be lightly casually dating at best, but the actions can end up being more serious than that -- which trumps any lines verbally written in the sand!

Well, I guess I should clarify, that me being 44, I prefer someone between 38-54, so by that time all the acting cool, saying one thing, wanting something different, should stop. And it did happened, so I can't say I am a victim, or something.
We talked, and we decided we are not on a same page, she wanted more, we parted, that was it. It's not that hard. I actually liked that about her. She listened, she didn't hear what she wanted to her, she didn't think Oh this guy just trying to be all mysterious, I'll show him..LOL

And my point is, you have to be aware of where things are going -- not just "Hey, this is fun, I'm comfortable," without being responsible for going along with anything that goes down couplehood alley!

OK, it's kind of like kidnapping me!!..LOL..I clearly stating from the beginning that I don't want to go down couplehood alley, and she takes me there?
Call me naive, but maybe I am not aware we are heading that way?
Again..Steak, candles-Yes..Anything else-Not really..
An this is the biggest thing here...As I read the forums, I realize sometimes the last name is a big step..The address..A kiss means a world..I spell that right this time..LOL..
Meeting kids, family, oh yes, we are a couple alright!!
Time for ring shopping!!
Like I said in the begining I am not going to repeat myself.
 SamuelPepys
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 234
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/17/2010 8:45:42 AM
To me, friends first is on most occasions, a cop out from women telling men indirectly that they don't fancy them. There will be occasions where people have started sexual relationships slowly from a position of friendship as you hear people saying "Oh I wasn't that struck by him/her at the start but after I got to know them better, I guess the attraction just grew". I think these are more the exception than the rule though.

I think most of the time if a woman tells a man "can we be friends first?" It's the end for him as far as a relationship is concerned. In my experience, if ever a woman has mentioned the dreaded "friend" word early on, it not only meant "no" to a possible relationship but also that she didn't want to be friends either! To be honest, a lot of women who say this to men would be quite happy to never see them again. It's a classic case of women saying one thing and meaning another. I dare say men do the same thing too.

I new a woman once who was single at the time, telling me about the last three guy's she dated. She said "With the next one I meet, it's going to be friends first". So what did she do? The next guy she met was "boyfriend material" on or right after the first date and the so-called "friends first" thing went completely out of the window! This woman had never been "friends first" with any guy where she thought there was potential for a relationship and that wasn't going to change.

In a way, the friends first thing depends upon whether people believe attraction is instant or whether it can grow. People probably fall into one category or another about this but sometimes both. I've seen some online profiles of women who say "The spark is either there or it's not". A man might feel that "the spark" is not there about a woman he is not physically attracted to at all. It again depends upon how judgemental people are based on first impressions.

I would say that people who are very fussy, strongly believe in the "instant chemistry" theory. I'd say it was more likely that women think this way than men. Although I could be wrong as there would be many more single people in the world if women didn't give more guy's a chance at getting to know them over a longer period of time.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 235
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/17/2010 11:42:46 AM

I don't do hinting, and don't take hints well either. I don't play it cool, and take responsibility for something I didn't do.

Cool... I am in the same boat with you there. 100%, and I hope you haven't assumed I'd think otherwise!

What if it's not obvious to me? What if I just take it as she likes me as a friend too? If to HER things going down couplehood alley, and she confused about it, she should talk to me.

If it SHOULD be obvious to anyone, but not you, you still take responsibility. Yes, there are arguable gray-zones, etc., but there's also obvious ones too. For instance, if Bob was dumb enough to think meeting a ga's parentsl he's been seeing but doesn't want to officially date and crashing over there in the parents guest room with her wasn't in the same couple-hood direction as romantic-dinner setups if not more, then he's more of a fool or in self-denial. Doesn't take away from his responsibility in that case, with the exception that you could make the case that he was well-meaning, but that's a -separate- issue.

Again..Romantic dinner, candles, yes, those hints I would get..Meatloaf and mashed potatoes, is just that! Meeting family kids, once again, shouldn't mean nothing!

This is where we disagree. Planned family get-togethers with someone who you're seeing/kinda-seeing amps it up to varying degrees. And also -- setting up a dinner without candles doesn't mean it's empty of "being together". If it becomes routine, you're meshing lives. I would say the candles or any set-up romantic atmosphere would make a particular thing more of an event, yeah. But if you find yourself coming over to her place twice a week after work for that, then cuddling on the couch, having sex -- then going home or occasionally crashing there -- that's entering couplehood. Routine is what sets things in, even completely void of romantic pre-sets. That's what I'll say one would be responsible FOR knowing about if they don't.

Call me naive, but maybe I am not aware we are heading that way? Again..Steak, candles-Yes..Anything else-Not really..

LOL - I will call you naive.... :) To say that you're not going down the road toward couplehood just because there weren't any notable romantic pre-sets is naive. I'm not saying doing ANYTHING means you're going down couplehood lane... I'm just saying it doesn't take a blatantly romantic event to do so at all.

Meeting kids, family, oh yes, we are a couple alright!!

That by itself in particular situations, not necessarily. Same goes with A romantic outing (first dates can be like that). If you have something established between you two, say on a casual we're not bf-gf level, if you do start to mesh lives or make big steps like meeting the family, yeah -- it amps it up.

You just gotta accept the fact that when you're with a gal, and you're both cool about not being bf-gf and keeping it on the emotional DL, it's not going to stay the same way forever most likely, thus be aware of where it's moving. It can expand and/or contract over time. You don't need to split hairs, but I think you're classifying some pretty obvious things as splitting hairs when they're not and just only look to blatantly romantic events, hence our disagreement.

In reference to not knowing the obvious in the girl-guy world, it reminds of me times where I tell someone "YES! She likes you!" when they think she doesn't like them, despite her calling him all the time, calling him honey and having kissed before... and the guy defending his skepticism by saying "But she never TOLD me she likes me! And that times we kissed, we were both drinking! I heard she finds Bob cute..."

We disagree on what is proposed as obvious events or routines that move a guy & gal from casual into the direction of less casual or more serious.
 SamuelPepys
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 236
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/21/2010 5:41:28 PM
You talk a lot of sense man! I hope other people read what you have to say.
 Dave37043
Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 237
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/21/2010 6:49:17 PM
I think that in the "real world" phrases like "let's be friends" is generally code speak for "I'm not romantically interested in you." I think that in the "POF universe" the phrase "friends first" is more a result of the incredibly bad behavior of some of the men on this site. Men who take it for granted that a first meeting is a guaranteed "hook-up", and can get pretty rude if that doesn't happen.

I would suggest that if your intentions are sincere, don't worry about the phrase "friends first". Assume that on your first date (which with online dating is really usually a FIRST MEETING) you are probably not going to have sex. I would say that the man should pay, I am old fashioned and believe that if a man asks a woman out he should pay. (I know not everyone agrees with me on this) Should there be "hand holding hugging or kissing"? I think it would be obvious if there is a "spark" or attraction. If there is, proceed with what feels comfortable and natural and pay attention to how she responds. It's not rocket science! lol.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 238
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/22/2010 2:01:12 AM

I think that in the "POF universe" the phrase "friends first" is more a result of the incredibly bad behavior of some of the men on this site.

Not "bad", but yes, I know where you're coming from and I agree in that sense. One should realize that women are much more discreet about men when it comes to wanting to just fool around, though -- and although it may be a 5:1 ratio on a site like this, guys to girls, in the singles society as a whole, it's closer to even (women have more options; illusion of more wholesome when picky). In the end, both guys and girls use "friends" to mean no-commitment.

I would say that the man should pay, I am old fashioned and believe that if a man asks a woman out he should pay.

Both aren't the same, tho -- and what exactly do you mean by old-fashioned? And what does it justify? Anything because something's old fashioned? There's just as much BS as there is good things to refer to as far as tradition-in-general is concerned. :) Anyway, that aside..

If a guy asks a woman out, YES, he should expect to pay. I don't think there's room for debate on that. If things lean toward him being the one instigating things yet not asking out, I don't think it's a rule per se, but he should expect to pay. I am against rules on it -- but at the same time, for a guy to succeed, he needs to live with silly cultural games when it comes to many things (that included).

If they're FRIENDS FIRST THOUGH -- sorry, guy no pay for girl! If someone wants to truly be friends and nothing more, you don't pay any more than you'd pay for your buddy's wife on an outing. Mine as well force someone into coming to grips with their hypocrisy if they want to play the "friends" game but still want free paid-for outings, right? Some may say "well, it's to test things out" -- no no no. Once a guy puts himself in a position to be a contestant to prove-himself, he's going to be dealing with something he does not need to be in (unless it's an ex and he DOES need to prove himself to her).
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 239
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History
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/24/2010 9:03:20 PM

I think that in the "real world" phrases like "let's be friends" is generally code speak for "I'm not romantically interested in you." I think that in the "POF universe" the phrase "friends first" is more a result of the incredibly bad behavior of some of the men on this site. Men who take it for granted that a first meeting is a guaranteed "hook-up", and can get pretty rude if that doesn't happen.


Not so in my case, it's not the same for every woman. I've had the occasional overly aggressive, hands all over the place but it's rare, I usually am able to suss that out during an email or phone chat. I think many women want to get to know the guy and for me, it's very uncomfortable when he's trying to put his hand on my leg...ugh. It doesn't mean I don't "fancy" him or not, there's plenty of time for that, I'd like to determine if it's someone I may like or not, or if we're compatible.
 Zuglo
Joined: 5/12/2005
Msg: 240
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/25/2010 5:31:20 AM
^^^^Well, there you go..Plain and simple..That's what it means to me too..
Forget zones, signs, codes, and all that BS..Let's be friends, and we'll see.
If during the phone conversation, I sense that she is on a serious husband hunt, I really don't see a reason to meet her, because IMO she is not interested to be friends first.
Same with a guy who tries to steal a kiss, or behaving bad.
I could be wrong, but don't think he is interested in friendship. Maybe some different friendship..LOL
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 241
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/25/2010 11:00:49 AM

Forget zones, signs, codes, and all that BS..Let's be friends, and we'll see.

But you don't forget about labels. :) Calling it "friends first" is putting a clear, loud label stamped right on things... one that says something very clearly, and unfortunately at the same time, knowledge that it could to SOME extent, mean something else to some people, but there's always a fuzziness to it at BEST.

Instead, that's why I say "Hang Out" is best -- you're not trying to be JUST friends (at first). In fact, you're not trying to define things -- you're just letting them know that you don't like doing formal dates or anything to kick things off. Regardless whether one's husband hunting, relationship hunting, wanting to play the formal dating game, wanting to take it laid-back w/ no expectations, or a weirdo in the wrong place being on a dating site to find a platonic pal ... for all cases, you are going to develop a friendship.

Friends First = Just Friends (at first). I want nothing more than just being friends on any emotional level. Some people (above poster) means being platonic physically (not necessarily emotionally) for an indefinite period of time, but even that's unnecessarily complicating things, IMO. Many guys will walk away just like they'd walk from a husband-hunter, but in that case thinking "I dont want to deal with someone who's got issues with flirting, a little kino, and a goodnight kiss if things flow well. I don't want to play guessing games about attraction, if she's the type who wants to be exactly the same way as if they're out with a cousin, and wants to play the LABELING GAME of 'friends' and is comfortable with that."

I could be wrong, but don't think he is interested in friendship. Maybe some different friendship..LOL

Yeah, you can't fully blame guys for making moves on a gal when meeting from a dating site, unless you blatantly told them you're not interested in them beforehand but oddly decided to meet up anyway. Even then, you should expect it. However, I will say that a guy should be blamed for making notably stronger moves than what the woman has explained she's comfortable with. Ex: If she says she likes to take it slow when it comes to the dating scene and her persona toward him matches that when meeting, he shouldn't try kissing her there in public or do blatant sexually-oriented touching.
 sosdd
Joined: 12/14/2009
Msg: 242
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/25/2010 10:31:32 PM
In my case I feel I have said, we have become friends on line, we should meet or visa versa. I am saying meet but, yeah, have gotten to know a few so they were dates.

I guess friends first really is something different to each person.
 Scivore
Joined: 3/27/2010
Msg: 243
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What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/27/2010 7:15:32 PM
Back in the day, people would go out on a few "dates" in order to decide whether they like someone enough to "sleep together." My fellow Gen Xers killed dating; now people "hang out" in groups and "hook up" a few times in order to decide whether they like someone enough to go out for dinner and a show together.

When a woman says that she wants to be "friends first," I take it to mean that she's coming out of the backwards modern culture, thinks that dating is something that people do after they're already having sex, and wants to do things the old-fashioned way now. I avoid them, since we don't even speak the same language.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 244
What does Friends First really mean?
Posted: 4/27/2010 10:29:32 PM

I guess friends first really is something different to each person.

Unfortunately, the phrase speaks for itself. If the two words combined didn't clearly indicate something by itself, that'd be one thing. But it does speak clearly -- it's only people's "own personal use" that causes issues. The post below (and right above this one) points to people assuming it means just hooking up -- and that's the thing -- you'll find people who are just looking to hook up (first) and more wholesome times who are scared of confrontation on the level of being more than just friends.

Like a couple profiles I say the other day that goes with "friends first": "Looking for friends or maybe more".

So for those who stubbornly think that "friends first" does not say platonic first, that second phrase makes it more clear. Be friends, and more than friends may be a possibility (at what point, who knows).

Then there's others who use the word "friends" to mean anything from a buddy they hang out with at BW3 to a gal they're porking and casually dating (no commitment; not a couple). I disagree with that, as by the rationale that "hey, they ARE a friend tho!", you could refer to your girlfriend as your friend, too. "Friend" by itself as the defining label between 2 people means nothing more than a friendship. "Dating" by itself as the defining label between 2 people means they routinely engage in spending time together on a 'romantic' (more than friends) level.

They're not a "friend"? They're not someone you'd say you're "dating"? Don't use a label then, or try to label the situation -- why stick to labels? Use a short description like people do about any situation anyway: "we're kinda seeing each other", "we're hanging out, getting to know each other", or in what you're looking for, "i like to take things slow", etc. A label that doesn't describe it accurately only confuses things! :)
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