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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 10:50:12 AM | "O/P I'm sure if you weren't so far away, you wouldn't be spending your Friday nights alone... "
Awww....made my day!! Why is it all the good ones are in Canada! | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 12:17:58 PM |
The difference is that a woman wants everything from one man and a man wants one thing from every woman.
So that's where I've gone wrong all these years...here I was looking for one thing (or is that my everything) from one man when I should have been looking to every man (or at least many men) for that one thing which in reality is everything. Doh.
Just having a bit of fun with these difference between men and women threads that drive me nuts, but I will seriously consider that little piece of wisdom before this old thing completely runs out of everything;) 
JMO | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 2:29:12 PM |
Does he LOVE me? (how many times have we seen that thread?)
Will he be there for me? (will I have his emotional support and protection?)
Can I trust him with my heart? (Is he available and open to love and be loved?)
If this is what a woman is concerned with in a relationship, then something must be wrong with me, because those are the questions that concern me, too. Okay, well the first one isn't, but it's close; I want to know, "Does she LIKE me?" I don't give a crap about whether or not she loves me. Yeah, I want sex and playfulness, too, but those are part and parcel in a romantic relationship with the three questions listed above.
Be this as it may, I think every person, man or woman, has certain personal defining values that affect what he or she is really looking for in the opposite sex. For someone who has to be in control, a lover who makes him or her feel powerful will be the magic. For someone who has a servant's heart, a lover who makes them feel important will be the magic. For someone who is brainy, a sweetheart who makes him or her feel smart will be the magic. Etc. Of course, most people have multiple defining values, so, to be realistic, a lover who plays to those various values accordingly will be the magic that person needs. | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 3:01:13 PM |
So that's where I've gone wrong all these years...here I was looking for one thing (or is that my everything) from one man when I should have been looking to every man (or at least many men) for that one thing which in reality is everything. Doh.
I'm pretty confused now.
MEN - want sex. WOMEN - resources and genes (for making the species perpetual)
Isn't that what we're each SUPPOSED to want? No one gives a thought to what men and women ACTUALLY want.. sometimes not even the men and women themselves.
The most important needs for women are:
- Affection
- Conversation
- Honesty and Openness
- Financial Support and
- Family Commitment
Odd.. I've got no interest in the last 2. And I'm on the fence about the second one. And where the hell is sexual fulfillment on the woman's needs? Are you seriously thinking that women don't need it?
Whereas men's needs are:
- Sexual Fulfillment
- Recreational Companionship
- Admiration and
- Domestic Support
I must be REALLY REALLY lucky because most of the adult males I know would laugh their a$$es off at the last one and possibly even the second to last one. Or else they'd picture some raving loon chasing them around fawning over who utterly brilliant they are. Men aren't babies. They can fulfill their own domestic needs.
Given that just about every second woman's profile says, "Must not have messaged users looking for sex or intimate encounters"... makes me wonder what sex really is.
I think I have that on my profile.. I forget now, however, I do not want to meet someone ONLY looking to polish his knob. If I were looking to polish my own knob (so to speak), different story.. block lifted. But the story would still include the detail that I love sex.
As far as I'm concerned, we're ALL looking for sex (except for those here only to grace these forums), but we're looking for love.. or the makings of it, anyway. Somewhere to start and someone to start with. | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 3:14:53 PM | ...I think every person, man or woman, has certain personal defining values that affect what he or she is really looking for in the opposite sex. For someone who has to be in control, a lover who makes him or her feel powerful will be the magic. For someone who has a servant's heart, a lover who makes them feel important will be the magic. For someone who is brainy, a sweetheart who makes him or her feel smart will be the magic. Etc. Of course, most people have multiple defining values, so, to be realistic, a lover who plays to those various values accordingly will be the magic that person needs."
HB, that's an interesting perspective - well said. | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 5:13:11 PM |
Guys are looking for ACTIONS.
He wants a sex partner. (obvious)
He wants a woman who will play with him. (share his hobbies and interests.)
And he appreciates what a woman will do for him. (cleaning, cooking, taking care of him)
Ladies are looking for EMOTIONS.
Does he LOVE me? (how many times have we seen that thread?)
Will he be there for me? (will I have his emotional support and protection?)
Can I trust him with my heart? (Is he available and open to love and be loved?
It's when reading things like this that I stand firm in my belief in knowing just how LITTLE women know men, despite their claims, and how much more SUPREME they claim to be in their emotional needs verses a man.....and how much they've constantly been their own demise in getting what they claim to want.......
Somebody needs to go back to the drawing board.....stop assuming......and start ASKING....... You would be surprised as to why you haven't had much luck........
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 5:17:52 PM |
HB, that's an interesting perspective - well said.
Ditto Sweetest ...HB well said!
I think since most people having “multiple defining values” is why finding that one person is hard. The more multiples the more possible out comes.
Actually, at ANY age, I'll take what I can get without having to jump through hoops
aaahhh...maybe you have to go through the hoops, even if you hit your head on the way! LOL | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 5:52:41 PM |
aaahhh...maybe you have to go through the hoops, even if you hit your head on the way! LOL
Funny, I was at a store the other day and a man was buying his boy a HULA HOOP! I so wanted to say that I used to do that as a kid! Not only that, the kid was trying it out right there in the store. I soooo wanted to ask if I could give it a whirl. In fact, I think I'll go back and buy one!
(Nancy, I'm joining this cross-thread thing goin' on, I affixed my toilet seat today, all by myself).  | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 6:08:05 PM | Korky, Korky, Korky....I'm in the mood to reply!
"It's when reading things like this that I stand firm in my belief in knowing just how LITTLE women know men"
I have never, and will never, claimed to be a fountain of knowledge about men. That doesn't stop me from being fascinated by them and how they think. As I said in my OP, these are just some thoughts...not carved in stone, just thoughts. They are formed from the men I've had contact with. It is a sample not broad enough to be any defining information. It really was just my thoughts and only applied to the initial couple of dates. My interest was in hearing...and learning, from others experiences.
"and how much more SUPREME they claim to be in their emotional needs verses a man"
I don't think women are more supreme in their emotional needs. Far from it! In the same way I don't think guys are the only ones who want a satisfying sex life. Far from it! I would, however, be willing to bet that most guys on a first date are not sitting there asking themselves if their "emotional needs" are going to be met by the woman acrossed the table. (And remember, in my OP, that was what I was talking about...the initial couple of dates.)
"You would be surprised as to why you haven't had much luck........"
See, there's that assuming you were talking about! I never said I "haven't had much luck". My comment about being alone on a Friday night was just a joke, a little humor at my own expense. I've actually had alot of fun since joining POF. I've met some very nice men and seem to have avoided lots of the pitfalls of online dating.
Because of that, this next part may surprise you. I just wanted to say THANK YOU! You always give solid advice and I've learned alot from your posts. You've earned my respect which is why I wanted to reply. I didn't want you to think all your efforts were in vain! | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 6:14:01 PM | It's when reading things like this that I stand firm in my belief in knowing just how LITTLE women know men, despite their claims, and how much more SUPREME they claim to be in their emotional needs verses a man.....and how much they've constantly been their own demise in getting what they claim to want.......
This is really funny to me.  Because *I* thought the OPie was male. *YOU* thougth the OPie was female. But we both disagreed w/the OPie. And Korky, I'm not sure if you are male or female either LOL (I'm thinking male though)
I disagree w/the OPie's list as well for various reasons, mostly b/c my needs are different.
And I want to add something in to the discussion. I think our needs/wants change depending on where we are in our life. Or even sometimes they change depending on the last relationship we were in. If our last partner was clingy, we will want someone less clingy. IF our last partner showed little emotion, then we want someone with more.
I can say for myself, when I first became separated, the last thing I wanted was to feel serious about anyone. I wanted sex and lots of it. NOT like an intimate encounter. I don't sleep around. It's just that a nice FWB suited me quite well.
Now that I have passed the one year mark, I still want lots of sex, duh, but I am seeking more than that. I am ready for companionship. I am at the point where I want someoen to spend time with, recreational time, with our kids and with each other. I'm still not seeking serious or forever or love. HEy if it happens that's great but I can't make that a goal. I'm not ready.
There are men and women on POF who truly are looking for a mate. Someone to marry and love. I'm not one of them. I'd be really happy with a guy I have great chemistry with, really good times with, great sex, etc. Romantic feelings, but not a goal of marriage.
So I really think to generalize what we want by our gender is so offbase. Plus, while I don't discount some gender differences, personality differences are even stronger. Our relationship types are strong influences too. Are you a nurturer? A doer? A taker, a giver? Are you in a place in your life where you don't want your partner to be integrated into all of it (ie. not go to church with you, not meet your kids, not be around your friends), but just basically be with you for sex or one-on-one time? Or are you in a plce in your life where you want your guy/girl to be part of it all...
I think this is what I want, today, in no particular order:
Companionship (time together, shared activities, shared recreation)
Sex
Friendship
Romantic attraction/chemistry/butterflies
Emotional support (to and from)
Caring
So do I appear female or male in what I want? Hmmm...I don't see housekeeping chores OR financial support on the list. LOL I take care of those on my own.
And, even more importantly, what *I* want in a guy is for him to have a list that mirrors my own. I want a guy who wants those things too. It's not enough for me to want it. I want to be with a guy who WANTS to spend time with me. Who gets excited just thinking about seeing me. Who feels butterflies when he sees me, not just gets a hard-on. I want a guy who has his own life and his own time...but who occasionally wants to share his life and time with me. Who wants to teach me about his interests, as well as learn about mine... but who also has his own set of friends that he spends time with so that he's not dependent on me. A guy who has a set of balls so he is independent and strong and opinionated...and who enjoys sharing those opinions with me. Who is strong and independent enough to support my emotional needs...but sensitive enough to let me support his emotional needs.
Does such a guy exist? Hmmm... Maybe. I dont' know yet. Lemme get back to you on that one. 
K
ETA: Now I see OPie is female. LOL Guess I just don't think like all females...we are all different. OMG! I'm shocked...we aren't all mirror images of each other!!!!!! | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 6:14:51 PM |
(Nancy, I'm joining this cross-thread thing goin' on, I affixed my toilet seat today, all by myself)
LOL, your doing much better than you thought, the toilet thing was on this thread, only I spelled toilet incorrect. (some things never change) I did have to go back and check, I loose track, that darn cross-thread thing is so easy to do. Congradulations, 
I always try to fix what ever I can, I figure the worst that can happen is I break it more...the best would be I fixed it.
Kinda the SAME way most men figure!!
Funny I was thinking of getting myself a "weighted" Hula Hoop! It is good for a stomach workout, they have them at the gym, only I don't use them there, don't wanna keep the whole gym laughing. | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 6:37:11 PM | I just asked my mongrel man: alpha male crossed with an intellectual/adventurer/homemaker....what he was looking for.
His words...You!
What I was looking for? Him... | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 6:41:49 PM | | You know JimTash, I had to peak at your profile to see where a man like you is coming from. This forum needs to be attached to your profile so that future victims can see what kind of moron they could be potentially wasting their time on a date with. | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 6:47:29 PM |
This is really funny to me. Because *I* thought the OPie was male. *YOU* thougth the OPie was female. But we both disagreed w/the OPie. And Korky, I'm not sure if you are male or female either LOL (I'm thinking male though)
O.K. this is getting confusing, Korky is male (looked at his file), OP is Female.....
BTW - OP I applaud you on your open mind ness to the answers you received on this thread.
You truly listened to not only to the people who agreed with you, but also the ones that disagreed, and then thanked them!
Also great thread you started.
I just asked my mongrel man: alpha male crossed with an intellectual/adventurer/homemaker....what he was looking for.
His words...You!
What I was looking for? Him...
Daisy that was funny and sweet.... | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 6:49:33 PM | My dog Taz ate the cheetos he loves them will even do tricks for them the empty bag is probably stuffed underneath his bed. lol
Cheetos have comfort value plus they go snap crackle when you eat them I love food that makes noise.  | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/22/2009 6:55:14 PM | For myself (female):
1) Compatibility: do our lives mesh well together (hobbies, interests, lifestyle's)
2) Security: Is he mature and responsible or am I going to feel like his Mother?
3) Connection: Do we have that spark that makes us more than just friends?
4) Communication: is it fluent or do I end up second guessing everything?
As for men, I think the OP probably nailed it on the head, but what do I know... I spent my Friday night alone too! | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/23/2009 9:08:09 AM |
Guys are looking for ACTIONS.
He wants a sex partner. (obvious)
He wants a woman who will play with him. (share his hobbies and interests.)
And he appreciates what a woman will do for him. (cleaning, cooking, taking care of him)
I find this list interesting. I heard a brief video clip produced by a man who sells books to women on relationships. This was his theory on what men want.
If a man finds your predominant characteristic to be caring (all the things women do for a man like cleaning, cooking, taking care of him) he will appreciate it but when he thinks of you, you will remind him of his mother, and he will not want a relationship.
If a man finds your predominant characteristic to be you are playful, (and do all the fun things with him like share his hobbies and interests) he will view you as a buddy,
someone to do things with like one of the guys, and he will not want a relationship with you.
If a man finds your predominant characteristic to be sensual and sexy, he will be more than willing to fvck you , but this puts you in the category of good enough to sleep with but not good enough for a relationship.
Now if you present yourself as equally caring, and playful and sexy, and the man is able to see all three things in you, THEN and only then will he seriously consider you as relationship material.
This was not my theory, I am just sharing what one of the "relationship experts" had to say.
This seems to over lap somewhat what a male friend of mine said to me recently.
He said there was an old greek expression about how a woman can get a man to love her. She does this by taking care of his Belly (caring), his C0ck (sex) and his Wallet.
A bit of overlap here but two out of three is not bad.
As a woman, I want a friend (playmate), a companion, and a lover. I want a meeting of the heart, and soul, and mind and spirit, AND the body. Nothing less will do. | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/23/2009 10:57:44 AM | Widowed mom,
I liked what you wrote and while in theory the expert makes sense... but really what he/she is suggesting is impossible to achieve if we have to find some magical balance b/t the three.
I mean, most of us who want relationships prolly do try to be/give all 3, but somehow still things don't work out. So I'm gonna guess we don't succeed very often.
Still, it's a good list. I want a man who is caring, playful, and sexy. And I want to care for him, play with him, and have sex with him.
(of course by care I"m not actually defining it as cleaning, cooking, etc... more emotional kinds of support)
And, let me add, that a lot of men *don't* want all 3 of those things. I know, I've "dated" more than 1 of them. And, um, I"m using the word "date" very, very loosely. I've met, irl and on POF, too many guys who want just a buddy/friend, or just someone to have sex with. I'm sure as heck not finding many who want a meeting of the heart, soul, mind, and spirit. My golly...that would be awesome! Heck, I'm not even finding guys who want *one* of those.
And by finding I don't mean guys who live far away. LOL I know the guys are out there but I haven't had much luck finding them locally.
maybe...maybe. I'm still trying. I've met someone recently and time will tell. I'm trying hard to be optimistic but sometimes it's hard. You meet them and they seem great and you're just wondering when they'll tell you they aren't looking for a relationship. THey aren't emotionally available. They don't want to be exclusive. They want to date around. OR whatever... It ends up translating to "but let's have sex while I wait for Ms. Perfect to come along and you aren't her."
LOL sorry the cynicism creeps thru the cracks sometimes. | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/23/2009 1:20:04 PM |
I'm sure as heck not finding many who want a meeting of the heart, soul, mind, and spirit. My golly...that would be awesome!
Kayliecat, having found this in my husband, I know men like this are out there. I am just optimistic enough to believe that I will find it again.
The sexual connection is easy enough to find, its the other components that are more difficult. That is why at this age I have no interest in casual sex. I have to have some indication that the man I am dealing with desires the same things as I before even considering adding sex to the equation.
They don't want to be exclusive. They want to date around. OR whatever... It ends up translating to "but let's have sex while I wait for Ms. Perfect to come along and you aren't her."
We women gained nothing with our sexual liberation. It just gave many men what they have wanted all along, sex without commitment. Sex without caring, and emotional attachment leaves me cold. I have no interest in letting a man use my body as a means of masturbation. If I had a sexual relationship with a man who was waiting for Ms. Right to come along that is exactly what it would be. Thanks, but no thanks. I will stick with my vibrator. That way I know I will still respect myself in the morning. | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/23/2009 2:15:59 PM | Sweet Whistlin' Geronimo...
Would you people just stop with all the fancy talk,pretending like you care what the other sex supposedly wants in a relationship? There's only one simple rule, when it comes to what men want, vs what women want:
WOMEN RULE, MEN DROOL!!!
There, now don't you all feel better?
Arlo | |
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| Differences in what men and women look for....
Posted: 3/23/2009 2:32:30 PM | Bernta
You are a breath of fresh air!
How well you put the entire 'mating dance'!
Would but should the issues be so forthright and crystal clear.
Unfortunate that not everyone wants the relationship for long term caring, only for instant gratification, some for problem solving, some for instant sex.
Desperation can play a role.
Certainly, maturity is the big Kahuna here!
I'll be looking for your posts, you have a clear way of sifting through fog!
lol
Great thread! | |
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